Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

[LilacsLife]

I have a few questions actually and I am hoping to cover them on this one thread! I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon (we have been doing it where I’m staying basically full time, so he did express to me that he thinks it would just be best I move in and can then officially split things 50/50). He has a dog and cat and has told me I absolutely don’t need to contribute money towards them, but that he then wants to be able to stick to his schedules with things, he is quite strict with stuff like bedtime and when he goes to bed and does walks and stuff, simply so the dog stays in a routine (he lives in a flat so there’s a few walks for a toilet break) and there’s one before bed, so he has set bedtimes for set shifts and things. It feels quite a lot (we are late 20s, I will add) and we are obviously child-free atm so don’t really want so much structure, I’ve said like can we just relax on that and he says if we do, the dog’s behaviour can be unpredictable with being too hyper or having accidents (if routines aren’t followed) I love his pets and do want them to become mine too and for me to be able to have an equal say in stuff and I said if I can, I’ll of course then contribute to half the costs of them, he says he admits it might be hard to do that as he has had his dog 7 years and knows what’s best for him and would find it hard for me to now come in with a bunch of different ideas and change things up, which is why he says he would never expect me to pay for them. What’s the general opinion on this anyway? Do people split pet costs if they move in with partners that have pets? Like, I have no idea what is even acceptable with that, regardless of this specific situation. I admit I am quite lazy and around full time work I don’t want to be setting my alarm if I’m on a late shift and having to work until the late evening but he will usually still have his bedtime of about midnight and get up at 8! I personally like to relax in bed most the morning until I’m due to get up for work or maybe get up an hour before to do some jobs, I don’t want to be up and out with the dog at 8am, he says I don’t have to be out with the dog but he thinks it’s going to be hard if he is going to bed at say midnight or even 8pm for early shifts (we both do shift work, but are usually on the same, it’s specific shifts hence he has his routines) and then I do completely different and I do agree… is this just a case of us not being compatible? It hurts my heart to think that as I love him loads and he actually makes me really happy and I love his dog and cat, I always wanted pets but my parents never allowed (I moved back in with them to save) so I do genuinely really love his, etc. but I am just a lot less structured and as I have admitted before… lazy lol. So does this then not work? He has said he will stick with his routines with his dog/cat (mainly the dog) around his shifts and I am more than welcome to do what I want that works best for me but that he would obviously like it to align with his the best it can but then I feel I have to do what he does vs what I do because of the dog so not much compromise? My friends and other relatives have had dogs and from my understanding it’s never needed to seem so rigid. I don’t know, feeling a bit deflated and have no idea who to ask on what’s fair

You’re both quite rigid in your thinking, and both seem sure your way is the only right way. You’re fundamentally incompatible I would say, and living together probably would be a disaster.

He has a routine for his animals and that is great. BUT he is not willing to change or adapt any other part of his life for you.

Regardless of what you would like he will not change. It doesnt seem like you are compatible.

I think he would like money for bills, but doesnt actually want you living there.

Personally, I would move on and leave him to his animals, you both want very different things in life.

He sounds rigid, patronising and controlling of you. He has a healthy sleep routine which is unreasonable of you to try to change. I would back off and let him keep his routines with his pets. Living with a dog in a flat sounds miserable, I would wait till he has a house with a garden before living with him. It sounds like you have a good life at your parents and are able to save - it doesn’t sound like it’s worth losing that to live with him right now. Spend less time at his so he doesn’t complain about you costing him money. Pay towards your own food at his. Obviously don’t pay for his pets. Spend quality time with him instead, for example when you both have a day or evening free, do something nice together. Quality over quantity.

You sound a little bit immature, I'm sorry. He is perfectly right with his routine. The dog doesn't have a garden so he needs to be walked for the toilet. If his routine changes after 7 years, that dog's going to be upset. Imagine not being able to have a wee until your owner wakes up?! I feel like you're not ready to move in with someone yet.

I don't think you're ready to move in with him. You seem unwilling to accept his responsibilities towards the dog, and his chosen bedtimes.
These are things you can't impose on someone. He's not asking you to go to sleep when he does, or take the dog out at all? So you going on and on about sharing the cost is a moot point. You are just being asked to accept certain aspects of his domestic routine. If you aren't ok with that I'd say moving in is a bad idea.

Run away OP

I think you are unreasonable! Sorry. The reason is because as previous posters have said he’s being a responsible pet owner and putting effort in to meet a dogs needs.

And I sympathise with you. I love dogs and animals but I don’t currently have the time time to devote to a dog etc.

Imagine that you only had access to a toilet at particular times; you would have to structure your life around that. If you had been waiting all night to go to the toilet, which from 8am-8:15am only, but the toilet was locked and you had no idea when it would open again, you'd get quite anxious, or even wet yourself. This is why the dog needs routines. He doesn't have ready access to a garden for a quick wee, as his owner was not very sensible and made him live in a flat.

You've articulated how his routines around the dog make him very unspontaneous, but I get a sense (?) that you find him a bit dull and inflexible perhaps? Do you find that when you go to his place he has routines, times and places for things that make him seem like an old man? Do you feel like a guest in his home and will this change once you are there? Are you actually actively planning to get married and have kids? Or are you just going to pay half of his mortgage?

You say you love him, but can you actually see yourself living with him? You sound worried about the whole thing, not just the pets.

Fine that he has a routine with his dog, you shouldn't try to change that. But he sounds judgemental about your routine because it's different from his, and he wants you to change it to suit him. That would be a no for me.

This won't work. Just continue to see him but live separately for now.

The dog issue is a red herring to me, he knows what works for him and their routine and that’s fine. However, he’s giving you early warning of some quite controlling behaviour (assuming your replay is accurate) - the move in to pay your 50%; things being ‘not allowed’ and telling you what / when you ‘should’ do things would make be very uneasy. We have a dog, we don’t tiptoe around it or go to bed because it’s her bedtime!

Christ people make having a pet such hard work. I am in Ireland and have a dog and the majority of people I know, the dog pretty much fits in with the peoples lifestyles and certainly don't interfere with human relationships. Most of those who act like the OP's boyfriend are English! Maybe all the dogs in Ireland are miserable and indusciplinrd wretches, pining for the love and structure they don't have and toileting all over their owners houses but I see no evidence of this.

Leave him to sort and pay for his pets. Having a dog in a flat isn’t easy. They aren’t toys.

Agreed

I think you are gaslighting yourself a bit op by calling yourself relaxed

you have a strict routine too (late bed, stay in bed long) it is just a different routine from him

so you just have to see, if you are really laid back and relaxed and all that surely you would just not get stressed about this and do your own thing and see where it leads 🙂

He lives in a flat. He can’t just let it out when it wants to pee. Plus It’s a small space so if the dog isn’t exercised enough I’m guessing it’s a PITA. Most dogs aren’t really suited to flats so yes it’s a lot of work

DH and I work broadly the same hours. We (and the dog) know it’s bed time at 9:30 every day without clock watching, it’s just the time we’re ready for bed. We can do the odd late night but the dog isn’t delighted about it.

At weekends, DH gets up 8 and I get up at 10. I’m a napper, he’s not. We just don’t always have to sleep at exactly the same times (although we do always go to bed together).

Your DP and his dog have a routine they like, they’re not forcing you into it - just asking you to live alongside it and accommodate it. I really don’t see your problem.

So no, you don’t have to find someone on the same work schedule, you just adapt around their schedule… which you don’t seem to want to do.

I’m afraid to say I think you’re incompatible. He’s not being unreasonable with wanting to keep routines etc and yanbu to want a life free from routines and schedules outside of working. Honestly, I can’t see this going well. Yes relationships involve compromise but it sounds like you live very differently and one or both of you would end up being resentful.

Relationships and then marriage are hard enough and require lots of compromise even when there are no doubts and you feel 100% secure in the decision. There are cracks here. They will get bigger.

Apart from the fact that you moving in eases his financial burden, you are expected to play second fiddle to the dog and it's on his terms and you aren't sure about the terns.

Look up @LilacsLife, a big string of bunting is flapping in the morning breeze.

He lives in a flat. He can’t just let it out when it wants to pee. Plus It’s a small space so if the dog isn’t exercised enough I’m guessing it’s a PITA.

Yes, being in a flat means it's more work than if he had a garden but I'm still not convinced that dogs need such a strict regime that can never be altered ever.

I know plenty of people who have dogs in flats or small houses and they don't need anymore exercise than those that live in houses. Yes, they do need extra toilet walks but I don't know a single person who sets alarms during the day to let the dog out - it's really not necessary outside puppyhood.

There's no way I'd want to live with him in that set up. Clearly his pets come first which is as it should be, but I couldn't be doing with such a fixed routine. I don't have a dog, have two cats and they have no impact on my lifestyle.

I don't think you're compatible for living together - maybe not in the long term if your lifestyles and daily routines are so different.

You are polar opposites ,I cannot see it working if I am honest ,he sounds very organised and sensible .What would happen if you had children , they need routine , food for thought .

Do you want kids when you're older? This man sounds like he will be an excellent father, and a much better choice than a man that just wants to laze about in bed all day. If you can't cope with his maturity and sense of responsibility then move on, but there will likely come a time when you appreciate how great he actually is and will regret having ditched someone you really like and care about for being a responsible and kind person.

I also like to nap after an early but in his world naps aren’t allowed. Don’t get me wrong, he says I can if I really want to but that it’s just ruining our time together and how we function together at home

This is a yellow flag. In the context of his generally rigid behaviour, I'd give him a wide berth.

Keeping a dog in a flat is shit anyway. Asking you to let it out at 2am... gtf.

The OP would need to set an alarm because she is saying she’ll take the dog out but just doing it when she feels like it.

I’ve lived in a flat with a dog, I didn’t set an alarm because I didn’t need to, I knew roughly when I was taking it out, being a bit out wasn’t an issue, but you couldn’t just be completely random because the dog will need the toilet.