Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

[LilacsLife]

I have a few questions actually and I am hoping to cover them on this one thread! I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon (we have been doing it where I’m staying basically full time, so he did express to me that he thinks it would just be best I move in and can then officially split things 50/50). He has a dog and cat and has told me I absolutely don’t need to contribute money towards them, but that he then wants to be able to stick to his schedules with things, he is quite strict with stuff like bedtime and when he goes to bed and does walks and stuff, simply so the dog stays in a routine (he lives in a flat so there’s a few walks for a toilet break) and there’s one before bed, so he has set bedtimes for set shifts and things. It feels quite a lot (we are late 20s, I will add) and we are obviously child-free atm so don’t really want so much structure, I’ve said like can we just relax on that and he says if we do, the dog’s behaviour can be unpredictable with being too hyper or having accidents (if routines aren’t followed) I love his pets and do want them to become mine too and for me to be able to have an equal say in stuff and I said if I can, I’ll of course then contribute to half the costs of them, he says he admits it might be hard to do that as he has had his dog 7 years and knows what’s best for him and would find it hard for me to now come in with a bunch of different ideas and change things up, which is why he says he would never expect me to pay for them. What’s the general opinion on this anyway? Do people split pet costs if they move in with partners that have pets? Like, I have no idea what is even acceptable with that, regardless of this specific situation. I admit I am quite lazy and around full time work I don’t want to be setting my alarm if I’m on a late shift and having to work until the late evening but he will usually still have his bedtime of about midnight and get up at 8! I personally like to relax in bed most the morning until I’m due to get up for work or maybe get up an hour before to do some jobs, I don’t want to be up and out with the dog at 8am, he says I don’t have to be out with the dog but he thinks it’s going to be hard if he is going to bed at say midnight or even 8pm for early shifts (we both do shift work, but are usually on the same, it’s specific shifts hence he has his routines) and then I do completely different and I do agree… is this just a case of us not being compatible? It hurts my heart to think that as I love him loads and he actually makes me really happy and I love his dog and cat, I always wanted pets but my parents never allowed (I moved back in with them to save) so I do genuinely really love his, etc. but I am just a lot less structured and as I have admitted before… lazy lol. So does this then not work? He has said he will stick with his routines with his dog/cat (mainly the dog) around his shifts and I am more than welcome to do what I want that works best for me but that he would obviously like it to align with his the best it can but then I feel I have to do what he does vs what I do because of the dog so not much compromise? My friends and other relatives have had dogs and from my understanding it’s never needed to seem so rigid. I don’t know, feeling a bit deflated and have no idea who to ask on what’s fair

I think you're overthinking things a little to be honest, having different schedules and routines isn't anything to worry about.

My DH and I work opposite shifts as we have a child, mine are flexible but his aren't, he has to go to bed at 10:30pm to be up 4:30am, I don't come home till 8:30pm, so we only have a couple of hours together in the evenings, he goes to bed at 10:30pm and I go to bed around 1am, I let the dogs out before I go to bed as they normally stay with me.

You must be experiencing this already with staying there most the time, you shouldn't be trying to force him to go to bed later or be flexible when he knows how much sleep he needs, you just have different bedtimes that's all, and he shouldn't be trying to get you to change your routine, you just have to find a way to fit into each others lives if you want to be together.

The napping thing is a little worrying though, I'd be wary that he's trying to change you to fit his schedule and routine, when really neither of you should want to change each other.

Tbh, it sounds like you’re making an issue out if nothing at all.

I can’t think of anyone I know who has exactly the same routine as their partner, they all just go to bed and get up at the time they need to.

Maybe you should just offer to help with the bills if you are there that often?

I am there loads though, so it was actually him that was a bit more like “if you’re here most the time anyway, it would be good to be able to share the bills” type attitude

Is he actually asking you to move in or pointing out that you being there a lot without any contribution is costing him a lot? Do you split the cost of shopping?

Please don't move in, I think you are wanting different things from your relationship. It doesn't sound like he is as flexible as you, as he has the responsibility of pets, which you don't. He doesn't want you to have any of that responsibility, and his life seems to revolve around his pets. How will things be when you want to go out for an evening and get won't as he needs to walk his dogs, or whatever. It wouldn't work for me, but you really need to thing about it it will work for you in the future.

If I’m on an early shift (leave at 5) I like to go to bed around 11pm as I like to nap when I get home for a few hours. He likes to go to bed at say 8pm and get up at 4 and walk dog first etc. he has people come in for the dog during work and if I’m there and he’s at work, I’ve said don’t do that and I’ll of course take the dog out for a walk and I do take him out for the toilet a couple times (the same as what he was paying someone for) and he has said he admits he would like it to be less random (I do it when I feel like it, I’m not setting alarms on my phone etc) but he is ok with that as it’s obviously my choice. If it’s late shifts it’s him going to bed at 12 and getting up at 8, I prefer to go to bed at around 2:30 and get up later in the morning etc. he doesn’t mind but as I say, barely seeing that much of each other or he’s up waking me up rather early (not intentionally) but I just mean feels we can’t be on the same page if we want to be doing different.

it just feels a lot and like I say, not stress free

I think he sounds like someone who knows who they are and what they want, as well as taking his responsibilities seriously. It's not to say he's not bothered about you, but he has healthy boundaries and voiced them rather than your naivety about structure before children. Some people like structure regardless of responsibilities.

I also would 100000% not want anyone moving in with me paying towards my pets. They are mine

🤨 I mean ... you already know YABU, right?

I would say that it sounds like you are too incompatible in terms of enmeshing your day-to-day lives. Nothing kills love quicker than the petty annoyances of living together! He clearly prefers a schedule and has a strong sense of responsibility around the needs and welfare of his pets. You'd prefer something a lot less structured. He seems to enjoy using his time more productively whilst you enjoy relaxing and lazing around. Neither of you is in the wrong, but it would create a lot of conflict and resentment. Don't do it!

I’m finding the adjustment quite hard! There’s a lot to think about all the time, it doesn’t feel relaxing coming home from work and being in that environment

This is a you problem. Decide if you want to be living with him, pet schedule/existing responsibilities or not.

Finally think you’re in a good relationship and then things like this, that you don’t even think about end up feeling like a problem, but surely they don’t need to be! I feel his pressure of routine is causing the strain

It’s not him, it’s you. ‘His’ routine is to keep his dog (his pre-existing responsibility) in a routine that works. You asked if he could ‘relax on that’ and he told you the dog suffers - and you’ll all suffer - if he ‘relaxes’ the routine. He lives in a flat with a dog - if that dog suddenly needs the toilet in the middle of the night it’s not just opening the back door blearily at 2am. It’s a whole up and out situation. If you’re volunteering then cool, but I don’t think you are…

Is this serious? I actually feel rather sorry for him and his pets. You say it's too much like you're late teens not late twenties. You can't just decide you want a say in someone else's pets lives and routine. You're not the one for him!

I do really appreciate all the insight, it’s really helpful to hear opinions on this as I sit thinking about it a lot

Honestly OP it just sounds as if you're struggling with differing routines. Some people are very routine orientated. He sounds like one of those people. He's worked hard to find something that works for him and the dog and he isn't asking you to be a part of that. Equally you can't be mad at him for wanting to get an early night before an early shift. If he finds he really struggles at work after a later night then he's doing the very reasonable thing of going to bed earlier. Whereas you seem more of a night owl and need a nap after your shift to recover. Which is also totally fine. You're both living entirely for yourselves (though he is also taking on responsibility of pets and adapting to that) so to come together as a night owl and a morning person is going to have it's difficulties.

But saying that, every single thing we do is going to have the potential to be difficult. My ex-fiance (not an ex because of this. An ex because he decided against children) was a happy bouncy chatty guy in the mornings. Meanwhile I needed everyone to leave me the hell alone for half an hour while I drank tea. We got used to it and we managed just fine. In the same way, when I'm poorly I wanna be left alone. When he was poorly he wanted attention. For a while, when I was poorly he was all over me in the same way he wanted and I hated it. Equally when he was poorly I left him alone like I'd want and he hated it. It takes time to work out how to live with someone.

You like to lay in and have long evenings. He likes to get up and go to bed on time for enough sleep before his shift. That'll take some working out for the both of you. But honestly it's really fine.

In terms of the dog, he has built that routine and very much got something that works for him. He knows that dog and knows the consequences of not following the routine. You do not. So take his lead because its his dog.

Also, last point... maybe offer to pay something while you're there. If you're there a lot then it's only fair. Not 50/50 obviously because you've got your own costs. But definitely something.

etc. he has people come in for the dog during work and if I’m there and he’s at work, I’ve said don’t do that and I’ll of course take the dog out for a walk and I do take him out for the toilet a couple times (the same as what he was paying someone for) and he has said he admits he would like it to be less random (I do it when I feel like it, I’m not setting alarms on my phone etc) but he is ok with that as it’s obviously my choice

Oh noooo, that's not on at all! It's not your choice. You don't get to decide when the poor dog goes out. ""When you feel like it" You don't know anything about animals and it shows. Smh.

I'm getting bad vibes here OP, do you live with your parents at the moment or are you younger then him at all?

A word of warning, men who have lived on their own for a while can become very set it their ways, and think their way is the best way and any other way is unacceptable.. especially if you are moving into his house, with his set routines already well established.

While his routine sounds perfectly normal, he does sound like he has a big problem with the way you run your schedule.. he shouldn't be dictating when you 'should' go to bed or what time you 'should' get up or 'how productive' you should be in the morning(!), he shouldn't disapprove of you going for a nap.. so if you are getting side eye and frowny face for any of these things, then it's best not to move in at all.

He sounds like he's trying to 'teach' you how to conform.

The pets thing may be a big red herring.

He sounds great, a responsible pet owner who knows his dogs needs and priorities them. He also has a mature take on bedtimes, looking after his own well-being with exercise too.

living together you’ll likely fall into a pattern. Maybe you’ll have breakfast together after he’s walked the dog first thing?

In my experience, dogs do appreciate a routine but are adaptable. I'm naturally more of an early bird and would be up and about at 7 - 8am. My DH would naturally wake up at lunchtime/early afternoon. I compromise by getting up sometime before 9am and let the dogs out for a morning wee, DH lets them out for a last one about 1- 2am when he goes to bed. This time last year, DH was away for a few months so I was in bed by 11pm and up at 5-6am. The dogs don't really care as long as they get walks/toilet breaks regularly.

I guess it depends whether you feel strongly that you want to be up and to bed at the same time, or whether you are happy for each other to do their own thing. Personally I enjoy being up early on my own with a cuppa and out walking the dogs, but some couples would prefer to be doing everything together on the same schedule.

Yes!!! Part of me then starts thinking the worse and I snap myself out of it telling myself it’s me (and agree with the people saying it’s a me issue and why it’s a me issue) but this is how I feel sometimes, that he thinks he has to “teach” me and that he’s basically trying to get me to conform to this life or he wont be happy with me. Especially when he makes it clear he was also happy alone. I’ve been with my parents a while after I moved out my room share and he was also very quick to constantly tell me how living in your own place is very different and that I wont fully understand if I’ve been with my parents a lot but that he can “help me to understand” type thing which I think is making it all so much worse. I’m not much younger, he’s only 2 years older but I do feel like I haven’t had as much life experience as I have been heavily saving while he has obviously put that money into a much more stereotypical adult lifestyle

Just stay as you are, living separately but offer him some bills money. Decide which days you’ll stay over and commit to when you’ll walk the dog consistently, not when you feel like it. Help that isn’t reliable is no help at all.

See I think the flat with a dog thing is a problem too because he has asked if I’m up until 2am if I can take dog for a quick toilet break before bed as he won’t be properly asleep if I’m up moving about at that time and will naturally need a wee again vs if he was just asleep when he’s asleep and I have said I’m not really prepared to do that at 2am but if we had a garden I’d of course not refuse to open a back door

So he has his routine and you're not allowed yours. Fuck that. I think routine is good but I don't get to dictate when my partner goes to bed. It's very much his way or the highway and he's a bit overbearing. You also sound very stressed. Don't move in.

He's also said he's happy as he is so hardly his way or the highway. People are allowed to set a boundary just as op is allowed to not want it. They don't sound compatible

But honestly, OP, this is entirely reasonable. If you want to stay at his flat and disturb his dog’s routine, then yeah - you probably have to do the final
wee, which involves a walk if it’s a flat.

I live in a house, and my dog is annoyed if I stay up too late. I totally need to let her out at 2am for a ‘final wee’ if that’s when I go to bed. She’ll be restless from 12 onwards, probably. If I go to bed at 11pm that’s her final wee. She adapts to me - dogs do that. So if you want to disturb i I s dog’s routine then get involved. If you don’t, go to bed when your BF does, or don’t stay over.

You do sound lazy, naps, lying in bed until it's time for work, do you not do anything outside of work? exercise? hobbies?

There’s a few issues in your post.

You both have different routines regarding your shift work. He b prefers adhering to certain bedtimes, while you prefer naps. Neither is right or wrong.

It’s good you’re having ‘the money talk’ before moving in, and good he doesn’t expect you to pay the dog. You may not realise how much this all
Costs - insurance, food, Dogwalkers etc

Regarding the dog schedule, sone dogs prefer a routine. Again, he says he’ll take care of this, and you can do as much or little as you like .

Surely you must be aware of his routines after a year.

I anlso also you will be overthinking it a little. If you move in, you will find a rhythm that will work for you both,