Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

[LilacsLife]

I have a few questions actually and I am hoping to cover them on this one thread! I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon (we have been doing it where I’m staying basically full time, so he did express to me that he thinks it would just be best I move in and can then officially split things 50/50). He has a dog and cat and has told me I absolutely don’t need to contribute money towards them, but that he then wants to be able to stick to his schedules with things, he is quite strict with stuff like bedtime and when he goes to bed and does walks and stuff, simply so the dog stays in a routine (he lives in a flat so there’s a few walks for a toilet break) and there’s one before bed, so he has set bedtimes for set shifts and things. It feels quite a lot (we are late 20s, I will add) and we are obviously child-free atm so don’t really want so much structure, I’ve said like can we just relax on that and he says if we do, the dog’s behaviour can be unpredictable with being too hyper or having accidents (if routines aren’t followed) I love his pets and do want them to become mine too and for me to be able to have an equal say in stuff and I said if I can, I’ll of course then contribute to half the costs of them, he says he admits it might be hard to do that as he has had his dog 7 years and knows what’s best for him and would find it hard for me to now come in with a bunch of different ideas and change things up, which is why he says he would never expect me to pay for them. What’s the general opinion on this anyway? Do people split pet costs if they move in with partners that have pets? Like, I have no idea what is even acceptable with that, regardless of this specific situation. I admit I am quite lazy and around full time work I don’t want to be setting my alarm if I’m on a late shift and having to work until the late evening but he will usually still have his bedtime of about midnight and get up at 8! I personally like to relax in bed most the morning until I’m due to get up for work or maybe get up an hour before to do some jobs, I don’t want to be up and out with the dog at 8am, he says I don’t have to be out with the dog but he thinks it’s going to be hard if he is going to bed at say midnight or even 8pm for early shifts (we both do shift work, but are usually on the same, it’s specific shifts hence he has his routines) and then I do completely different and I do agree… is this just a case of us not being compatible? It hurts my heart to think that as I love him loads and he actually makes me really happy and I love his dog and cat, I always wanted pets but my parents never allowed (I moved back in with them to save) so I do genuinely really love his, etc. but I am just a lot less structured and as I have admitted before… lazy lol. So does this then not work? He has said he will stick with his routines with his dog/cat (mainly the dog) around his shifts and I am more than welcome to do what I want that works best for me but that he would obviously like it to align with his the best it can but then I feel I have to do what he does vs what I do because of the dog so not much compromise? My friends and other relatives have had dogs and from my understanding it’s never needed to seem so rigid. I don’t know, feeling a bit deflated and have no idea who to ask on what’s fair

I'm another who thinks his comment about splitting the bills might be a hint that as you're there all the time he'd like a contribution whether you move in or not. Do you cover some of the food bills at least if not something towards hot water etc?

Also, your I do it when I feel like it *
is very selfish and you clearly have no regard for the dogs needs.
You've been asked several times if you chip in at his? maybe he's fed up
of a lazy freeloader.

You are right to be wary

As @sandyhappypeople says - it's his way or the highway.

You have to do what 'he' says as he couldn't possibly adapt to you.

His needs and requirements are more important and yes, I get he has pets but there's no give and take here. Just Take on his part.

He is showing you who he is - please listen.

It's only been a year - give it time and therefore wait to move in - time will show you what's best for you both. Best Wishes.

Don’t move in. You’re incompatible. He will be irritated with you being in bed all the time and you will be irritated that he needs structure. I would say you’re the more unusual one. He sounds sensible and you’ll interpret that as boring. You do sound very young. Nothing wrong with that! But resentment can ruin a relationship.

Sounds like you’re not going to be very compatible living together.

On one hand he sounds great and very responsible looking after his pets, but on the other hand, I’m with you…in your twenties why shouldn’t you be having lie-ins and staying up till 3am now and again having wild sex and deep chats and going out with mates, not sticking to a rigid schedule - this is the time in your life when you should be as free as possible!

You aren't compatible - or rather, you can't live in with a dog at this point in your life.

Your boyfriend is right, the dog will not settle properly if you're still up and will therefore want a 2am outing for a wee. The dog will also need to go out in the daytime at set times, not when it suits you, because that's what dog ownership involves.

You can't be all laid back and go with the flow when you live with a dog that needs routine and reliable daily rhythms. Dogs are almost as big a restriction on your time as children.

If you want to enjoy your unfettered, carefree, childfree adulthood, this is not the bloke for you. He has chosen a rigid routine and a pet that needs that sort of structure. Neither of you are making wrong choices, just incomnpatible ones.

He can't compromise because it puts the wellbeing of his dog at risk. So ultimately it's down to you whether you want to fit in with his and his pets' lives or not.

Reading between the lines, I think he wanted you to offer to make a financial contribution for being there so much of the time rather than necessarily moving in. That's fair, it will cost him more having you over frequently.

I'd not rush to move in, OP, without a good long think about how you really want to live.

Oh, and no, they won't become your shared pets. They'll still be his.

If this was a man talking about moving in with a woman and wanting to change everything ,he'd get his arse handed to him on a plate and rightly so . I'm getting a bad feeling from these posts OP. Red flags are flying high and the bf needs to watch out.

On the basis of this, I wouldn't move in just yet, but see whether he'd be interested in looking at moving to a house with a garden in the near future.

You are literally in the prime of your life. Don't even think about moving in with him. He has his life exactly how he wants it. Don't bend and twist yourself into an unnatural shape just to fit in with him.

I think if you were to live with someone more like you you would feel much more relieved and happy. I don't think you'll be happy with this man long-term.

I think he wants things to stay as they are and for you to pay your way instead of sponging off him or stay less. He's paying all the bills while you are laying around in bed and doing your own thing.

Stay away. His dog and cat don't need someone who doesn't care for them utterly disrupting their lives. You can see him elsewhere. You're not contributing anything to their lives (and tbh I include the man in this).

You’re being unreasonable for thinking you can change the dog’s routine or take it out “when you feel like it” and for thinking you can’t have different sleep schedules. If you move in, you’ll have to get on board with the dog’s routine. The dog lived there before you! It sounds like your BF is happy to do most of the dog care anyway, but he isn’t unreasonable to ask that you do the night wee if you’re staying up later or to walk it at set times if you’re home and he isn’t. It is also quite unreasonable to be round at his all the time and not contributing so I see his point!

I have dogs, and my boyfriend moved into my flat (they’re small dogs). He just accepted how we do things and it never occurred to me that he wouldn’t, tbh. We also have different work patterns and I’ve also got chronic fatigue and sometimes need to sleep all day. It’s not an issue, we just get on with our own lives and spent time together when our schedules align and at weekends.

You have some very good advice here @LilacsLife

Your bf is a good responsible dog owner, you would have no respect for him if he wasn't.

You are clearly staying over at his far too much, and he needs you to contribute to the extra costs of this - the extra water for your showers, the extra heating as you are up so much later than him etc.
He also needs to be careful he doesn't become liable for 100% Council Tax as he is probably getting a discount being a single person.
etc. etc. etc.

and yes he would prob prefer to have a dog walker come in to walk the dog during the day as he had arranged, as you say
'he has people come in for the dog during work and if I’m there and he’s at work, I’ve said don’t do that and I’ll of course take the dog out for a walk and I do take him out for the toilet a couple times (the same as what he was paying someone for) and he has said he admits he would like it to be less random (I do it when I feel like it, I’m not setting alarms on my phone etc) but he is ok with that as it’s obviously my choice' - which is really selfish and immature of you btw

and ' he has asked if I’m up until 2am if I can take dog for a quick toilet break before bed as he won’t be properly asleep if I’m up moving about at that time and will naturally need a wee again vs if he was just asleep when he’s asleep and I have said I’m not really prepared to do that at 2am '

' but if we had a garden ' NO do not force him into a house move !!! he does not have a garden and he and the dog are managing fine !

I think one day your bf will be a good parent as he is good with routine and understands responsibilities.

but you and he are a long long long way away from that. and I very much doubt you will be parents together with each other.

'I always wanted pets but my parents never allowed ' I can see why, as your parents realised and knew that pet owning is full of grown up responsibilities.

Personally I would allow my bf to continue being a grown up adult with responsibilities, and I would not be moving in with him - you are at different stages of your lives despite being similar ages.

It doesn't sound like you are very compatible.

I would defintely not move in together. You are already bickering and you don't live there. Plus any suggestion of moving in together for the sake of the bills has disaster written all over it.

This is how it starts, you can only be told you're doing things wrong so many times before you start to believe them, from what you're saying it does sound like he thinks he can wear you down to his 'superior' way of going on.

To be honest you remind me of me when I met my DH, I used to be a night owl who loves my sleep and press my snooze 10 times before getting up for work 20 mins before I had to leave (or I used to be before having a child.. those days are long gone now!), and my DH is still an early riser who only needs about 5-6 hours to be fresh as a daisy, and is also quite rigid about his routine. I moved into his house and we both had our own pets, one thing he has never ever done is tried to make me conform to his schedule, or change me in any way, I lived on my own for 8 years and would never have moved in with him if I thought he would be unhappy with the way I do things, in turn I have never wanted him to change, we both do things in different ways and accept each other for who we are as people. When I used to stay there before we lived together it felt like 'home' and that was all I needed to agree to move in, I've never doubted it or regretted it for a second.

The person you can call home won't want you to change who you are and how you do things, they won't make you feel bad, or question yourself and they certainly won't treat you like a child that needs to be taught the 'right' way to do things, you may have teething problems to work out, but fundamentally they should love you for who you are, not who you could be with the right guidance.

Thank you so much for all the advice, it’s been really helpful

This.

I don’t think you should move in as you sound like two very different people.

I’m a night owl and always have been, I’ve always worked nights or late shifts and go to bed late and get up late. I used to work 50-60 hour weeks but people still thought I was lazy because I was asleep in bed in the afternoon- despite the fact I’d finished work at 8am, walked home, had a shower, relaxed for a few hours and was going to bed at 10-11am.

I had relationships with men who were totally different and worked day shifts and got frustrated because I wouldn’t go to bed at 10pm on my nights off and liked to relax in bed reading from 6pm-7pm before I did a 12 hour night shift.

I did my housework, went to the gym, saw friends and was far more active then these ex boyfriends but we just didn’t have compatible lifestyles.

Most of my friends worked nights so I had an active social life but we were just back to front from everyone else!

When I met my DP over 10 years ago we clicked straight away because he was a night owl, we used to go grocery shopping at 2am and have friends round at midnight. We were in our late 20’s and had responsibilities but no kids so no routine.
Everything was care free and easy and no judgement.

We don’t work nights anymore but both still like to stay up late and get up late, if we didn’t we wouldn’t see each other and I love our late nights together. We also love a good nap and if I ever felt disapproval for that I would not be happy!

If your DP isn’t that bothered about you moving in and seems this judgemental about your lifestyle it won’t work, I imagine he’ll try to change you.
NOW is the time to be lazy if you want kids in future! As long as you are doing the responsible adult stuff too then it’s fine. Who do you have to answer to honestly?

I agree with pp the pets are a red herring, if you are happy together as it is then don’t move in together and give it more time to see if either of you can meet in the middle. If you were both totally crazy about each other then trust me you’d both find a way to make it work.

<I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon>

Darling, do not do this. Stay single and solo. You'd just become a mum to him and his pets.

You're young enough. Take time to find out what you want from life. Follow your own dream, not someone else's.

I can stay in bed but he’s then on a completely different routine to me, he’s going to bed way earlier for the shifts than what I would, I also like to nap after an early but in his world naps aren’t allowed. Don’t get me wrong, he says I can if I really want to but that it’s just ruining our time together and how we function together at home…

I think the dog issue simply highlights the differences between you. I thought he was just a responsible dog owner until I got to the bit I've emphasised above. He's grudging about your nap but sees nothing wrong in going to bed at 8.00. Doesn't that ruin your time together too? Doesn't that affect how you function at home too? He seems to think that compromise is you doing and being exactly what he wants you to do/be.

Personally I think that if two people move in together there does need to be some compromise on both sides. He is making it very clear that he won't, and you don't want to either. However much you love him now, I don't see it being long before the cracks start to show.

Sorry OP, but you don't actually sound ready to be moving in with someone yet. It sounds like you're still enjoying the party life, while your boyfriend appears to have put that lifestyle aside for a more settled home life with his pets. I think in all honesty, that your best bet would be to continue living with your parents and continue saving hard while you're there. You can then see your boyfriend as and when it fits in with his routine, and your lifestyle, and the rest of the time be free to come and go as you like. Being a lot older than you, I recently had a chat with my granddaughter, about how difficult it is to get on the housing ladder these days, and we reached the conclusion that it's not only because house prices have gone mad, but also because so many younger people want to leave home as soon as they find a partner they enjoy being with, to set up home together. This immediately throws you into the life of paying rent and bills, with little, if any room for saving money for a deposit. When I was young, it was still not the 'done thing' to live together before you got married, so once you left education, you got a job, then, if you met someone who you wanted to be with for more than just the odd evening, you got engaged, and started saving up for your first home. All of this was done while still living under Mum & Dad's roof, and while you did pay over some of your earnings for bed and board, you still had plenty left over which you could either spend on going out having a good time, or save to get married and buy a house. Sorry, I know that all sounds a bit long winded, and off topic, but I just think you're not ready to 'settle down' yet, so spend this period of your life having fun and saving your money, it will give you a much better start in life, when you really are ready to settle down to routines, and bill paying , etc., and will also give you more time to find out if your boyfriend really IS the one for you, or just wants someone to help pay the bills!

Absolutely this.

@LilacsLife if you are finding it so stressful before you have even officially moved in, I don't think it's going to get any better.
I think this discussion has revealed the fact that you two are fundamentally different people and not compatible. I am afraid feeling loved up is not enough to make a long term relationship work.
also OP in the nicest possible way, you have a little bit of maturing to do before moving in with anyone.... living with someone requires a lot of compromises and I am not sure you are ready to that. and that's OK. you are only in your 20s, so enjoy your life - growing up/responsibilities will come

I have no opinion about the dog but to be it smells like red flags all round.

• move in with me to share bills..... sorry bur how bloody romantic?! Move in with someone who says I would love for us to live together, I'm so excited about starting our life together... etc.

• he sounds extremely rigid in his way of functioning and one dimensional. This will just get worse and worse with age, including in his outlook of life and the way you communicate & resolve conflict.

I also like to nap after an early but in his world naps aren’t allowed. Don’t get me wrong, he says I can if I really want to but that it’s just ruining our time together and how we function together at home… it’s just so stressful!

This is really controlling behaviour by him. How can he decree naps aren’t allowed?!

Coupled with the 8pm grandad bedtime, it all sounds miserable.

Do not move in with him, he just wants money for bills.