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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For refusing to move in with his previously aggressive dog...

167 replies

sarahmoore2 · 17/04/2024 18:31

long story short - partners dog has 'accidently' attacked and killed a small dog 7 years ago. Apparently it was the smaller dogs fault for being yappy? (Pitbull vs chihuahua)

I have a medium sized dog and I do not feel comfortable putting my dog around the Pitbull. Granted it was a long time ago, however I have recently seen the dog snap at peoples hand for no reason (at big events - maybe over stimulated?) and also snap at another dog over a bone.

Unfortunately it is the size that scares me as they are so powerful, my dog would not stand a chance against him. My partner has said we will keep them separate in the same house forever, but I think that sounds totally stressful, especially as we are at the age were kids are our next step. I just do not want to enter motherhood having to look after a baby and worry about separating 2 dogs. I really love my partner, but he has made it very clear that he is not willing to 'give away his dog' even though his parents have offered to take the dog so I can live comfortably (he will still get to see the dog). I have nobody to take my dog, and have no family nearby therefore I would lose contact with my dog if I rehomed him and do not have the option. We are at the stage now where we either get married and move in together, or break up. I am making multiple sacrifices to be in this relationship already; which is why I feel strongly about him making one. AIBU?

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 18/04/2024 14:17

and isn't the last one already pregnant ?!

@Concannon88
@BMW6

Concannon88 · Today 11:19
BMW6 · Today 10:11

I recognise the OP now. This is the second thread on exactly the same issue. Was told NO overwhelmingly last time.

Why bother with another thread?

Frankly your bf should improve the genetic pool by not having children, and as you're STILL wittering on about this I don't think you should either. You have piss poor judgement and zero common sense. Your poor dog.
Didn't the last one have cats and wasn't already living with him?

fieldsofbutterflies · 18/04/2024 14:20

BMW6 · 18/04/2024 10:11

I recognise the OP now. This is the second thread on exactly the same issue. Was told NO overwhelmingly last time.

Why bother with another thread?

Frankly your bf should improve the genetic pool by not having children, and as you're STILL wittering on about this I don't think you should either. You have piss poor judgement and zero common sense. Your poor dog.

I think the other OP had cats and had moved overseas for her boyfriend.

Concannon88 · 18/04/2024 14:26

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 18/04/2024 14:17

and isn't the last one already pregnant ?!

@Concannon88
@BMW6

Concannon88 · Today 11:19
BMW6 · Today 10:11

I recognise the OP now. This is the second thread on exactly the same issue. Was told NO overwhelmingly last time.

Why bother with another thread?

Frankly your bf should improve the genetic pool by not having children, and as you're STILL wittering on about this I don't think you should either. You have piss poor judgement and zero common sense. Your poor dog.
Didn't the last one have cats and wasn't already living with him?

It does seem massively coincidental

Caroparo52 · 18/04/2024 14:27

Not acceptable that dp has no understanding or respect of your concerns. I would not move in o rmarry a selfish man
It's you or his dog. Give him an ultimatum. Be prepared to accept he chooses the dog. The consequences of a mauling or death of dog or person are unthinkable

Concannon88 · 18/04/2024 14:29

sarahmoore2 · 18/04/2024 01:57

@KidsandKindness thanks for this. I think the worst part about it all is he might even foresee the danger, but is prepared to take the risk to avoid parting with the dog...
& yes to everybody that asked - not in the UK. Unfortunately they are not banned where I am.

@Saintmariesleuth I think its more selfish - that he sees the dog as his responsibility and nothing is going to get in the way of that, which I guess isn't selfish for the dog, but selfish to everyone who will now be in danger from this dog. If he really loved the dog IMO he wouldn't want to even risk him being able to attack another animal. He has even said to me (when I saw him lunge at another dog) that he is a "only dog" and doesn't need to be around other dogs... I replied well that's all great, but what about my dogs? and he says they just won't be around each other.. sigh..

Show quote history

Dogs plural? Thought it was just one dog?

silverbubbles · 18/04/2024 14:35

It is staggering that you are even considering putting your dog through this.
Give your head a wobble and live separately until his dog gets euthanised for biting someone or fo killing another yappy dog that deserved it......

Scarlettpixie · 18/04/2024 14:38

You are not being unreasonable to want to keep your dog and not move in with him and his dog. He is equally not being unreasonable to want to keep his dog, although there are a number of red flags around his judgment i.e. thinking his dog will ‘get used to’ yours. No way would I put my dog in that position.

You are at a stalemate. You can carry on the relationship and live separately or end it. That said it would be difficult to even have overnights if you don’t want your dogs together so I would probably go for the later. His lack of concern for both your dog and potential future children is worrying.

RampantIvy · 18/04/2024 15:42

He is gaslighting you into submission.

There is a reason why this breed of dog is banned here.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 18/04/2024 16:01

' I am making multiple sacrifices to be in this relationship already; '

just what is soooooo wonderful about this guy that you are doing this ?

and are prepared to either risk your dog's life, and that of any children you may have with him

or you rehome your dog - what has your dog done to deserve that ?!!!!

and are prepared to risk the life of any children you may have with him

DaisyChain505 · 18/04/2024 16:11

Not in a million years would I move my beloved dog into a house with another dog that had previously KILLED another dog.

edited to add: this isn’t some small dog that if it did get snappy with your dog you could pick up under your arm to diffuse the situation. You are talking about a powerful unstoppable dog. Do NOT do this.

Original poster
sarahmoore2 · 18/04/2024 16:25

DaisyChain505 · 18/04/2024 16:11

Not in a million years would I move my beloved dog into a house with another dog that had previously KILLED another dog.

edited to add: this isn’t some small dog that if it did get snappy with your dog you could pick up under your arm to diffuse the situation. You are talking about a powerful unstoppable dog. Do NOT do this.

Edited

@DaisyChain505 @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon @RampantIvy @Scarlettpixie thank you everyone for your comments. I am not the previous poster. It’s very hard to have to break up with someone you love over an animal because I can just imagine the next few years of my life wondering what if. It’s even harder when you love someone. However, I just cannot trust this flawed judgement. Is this enough to end a relationship?, because like someone mentioned it’s admirable his commitment. Sigh.

OP posts:
Thistooshallpass. · 18/04/2024 16:33

If I met a man and they said they owned a pitbull that would tell me all
I needed to know about them .

ntmdino · 18/04/2024 16:40

sarahmoore2 · 18/04/2024 16:25

@DaisyChain505 @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon @RampantIvy @Scarlettpixie thank you everyone for your comments. I am not the previous poster. It’s very hard to have to break up with someone you love over an animal because I can just imagine the next few years of my life wondering what if. It’s even harder when you love someone. However, I just cannot trust this flawed judgement. Is this enough to end a relationship?, because like someone mentioned it’s admirable his commitment. Sigh.

Show quote history

Well, you have to realise that sometimes, there's a problem that just can't be solved.

Logically, now that moving in with his dog still there is the line you won't cross, there is no way that you can ever move in until the dog has passed on. You can't live with the dog, but if he was willing to get rid of the dog then you would be forever questioning if any commitment he made would be stuck to.

It would also raise the question of...what if your dog bites, or makes his life difficult? Would you get rid of your dog for him? You'd certainly have a hard time justifying keeping it if he really couldn't stand it, and by that point you've already moved in and he's already got rid of his dog to make you more comfortable. Would the relationship survive that? Do you want to take the risk, given that you'd have a lot more to lose at that point?

My point is...the instant you told him he'd have to get rid of his dog before you'd move in, the relationship was doomed. I'm not making a judgement as to whether you were right or wrong there - this is just the direct outcome in practical terms.

Arlanymor · 18/04/2024 16:40

@sarahmoore2 This is the bit I don't understand: We are at the stage now where we either get married and move in together, or break up

Are those your only options? You can't just carry on dating in the knowledge that once the dog has 'gone to the farm' then you two can be in the same property? Also you can get engaged and not live together. I was engaged for some time before I moved in with my ex-husband. If the reason you want to break up is due to his stubbornness then that's one thing, but then you seem so reluctant. Only you can decide if the situation is enough to break up over. But I definitely wouldn't let my dog live there for a start.

ntmdino · 18/04/2024 16:42

Also, @sarahmoore2 - is it actually a pitbull? ie the banned, illegal breed that requires a certificate of exemption and at least third-party insurance for ownership to be allowed?

Or is it just a bull-breed that looks a bit like a pitbull?

WiddlinDiddlin · 18/04/2024 16:46

His commitment is about the only thing that is admirable - and its a commitment to 'owning this dog' it isn't a commitment to actually looking after this dog properly, meeting this dogs needs appropriately... so not much of a flex really!

I'd be concerned that this is a man who will gaslight you about other events and valid, reasonable concerns you have, given his behaviour with his dog. He isn't going to stop being the person he is, and that is someone who can't see whats in front of his own eyes, and dismisses others reasonable points! So yes, for me that would absolutely be enough to ditch him.

Pinkbonbon · 18/04/2024 16:49

Relationships should not require you to make a ton of sacrifices just to stay in.

But the fact that you have and he can't even make one, is pretty telling.

Relationships should be easy. As easy as breathing. No kids so no real obligations. Should be a walk in the park. Not this drama.

KreedKafer · 18/04/2024 16:59

I can't believe you're even dating a man who doesn't care that his dog killed another dog 'because it was being yappy'. He sounds like an absolutely horrible, nasty, irresponsible prick on every level.

however I have recently seen the dog snap at peoples hand for no reason

The dog isn't 'previously aggressive'. It is still aggressive and your boyfriend apparently still thinks it's OK to take it to events with lots of people. He's an appalling man.

My partner has said we will keep them separate in the same house forever

He's thick as well as a shit dog-owner.

Honestly, do not move in with this man and do not even think about having children with him. He can't even look after dogs properly.

Original poster
sarahmoore2 · 18/04/2024 17:19

ntmdino · 18/04/2024 16:40

Well, you have to realise that sometimes, there's a problem that just can't be solved.

Logically, now that moving in with his dog still there is the line you won't cross, there is no way that you can ever move in until the dog has passed on. You can't live with the dog, but if he was willing to get rid of the dog then you would be forever questioning if any commitment he made would be stuck to.

It would also raise the question of...what if your dog bites, or makes his life difficult? Would you get rid of your dog for him? You'd certainly have a hard time justifying keeping it if he really couldn't stand it, and by that point you've already moved in and he's already got rid of his dog to make you more comfortable. Would the relationship survive that? Do you want to take the risk, given that you'd have a lot more to lose at that point?

My point is...the instant you told him he'd have to get rid of his dog before you'd move in, the relationship was doomed. I'm not making a judgement as to whether you were right or wrong there - this is just the direct outcome in practical terms.

Show quote history

@ntmdino i suppose i would question his commitment if he got rid of the dog, but playing devils advocate right now i am questioning why i dont come before a dog. someone who you want to marry and have children with

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahmoore2 · 18/04/2024 17:21

DaisyChain505 · 18/04/2024 16:11

Not in a million years would I move my beloved dog into a house with another dog that had previously KILLED another dog.

edited to add: this isn’t some small dog that if it did get snappy with your dog you could pick up under your arm to diffuse the situation. You are talking about a powerful unstoppable dog. Do NOT do this.

Edited

@DaisyChain505 i know! I have often said if they do get into a fight and I have to intervene (and i would) then who do you think he is going to bite? me..

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahmoore2 · 18/04/2024 17:22

Scarlettpixie · 18/04/2024 14:38

You are not being unreasonable to want to keep your dog and not move in with him and his dog. He is equally not being unreasonable to want to keep his dog, although there are a number of red flags around his judgment i.e. thinking his dog will ‘get used to’ yours. No way would I put my dog in that position.

You are at a stalemate. You can carry on the relationship and live separately or end it. That said it would be difficult to even have overnights if you don’t want your dogs together so I would probably go for the later. His lack of concern for both your dog and potential future children is worrying.

@Scarlettpixie he just says we dont have kids yet so why would he think about that

OP posts:
tootyflooty · 18/04/2024 17:29

The fact you have posted on here says so much about your lack of maturity. It should be a hard no to moving in together , not constant dialogue back and forth , and for the love of god don't even start thinking about children, neither of you have the maturity or sense of responsibility for this.

Original poster
sarahmoore2 · 18/04/2024 17:33

tootyflooty · 18/04/2024 17:29

The fact you have posted on here says so much about your lack of maturity. It should be a hard no to moving in together , not constant dialogue back and forth , and for the love of god don't even start thinking about children, neither of you have the maturity or sense of responsibility for this.

I don't have maturity yet I refuse to put my dog and future child in danger? I think you'll find the easier option for me would be to move in and live for free and sacrifice everybody's safety - so I would have to agree I think I am being very mature for thinking ahead. Thanks though @tootyflooty

OP posts:
GridlockedKey · 18/04/2024 17:40

I would be too nervous to have kids around that dog.

ntmdino · 18/04/2024 17:40

sarahmoore2 · 18/04/2024 17:19

@ntmdino i suppose i would question his commitment if he got rid of the dog, but playing devils advocate right now i am questioning why i dont come before a dog. someone who you want to marry and have children with

Show quote history

For what it's worth, if it ever came to a choice between my dog and basically anyone else, I'd be choosing the dog.

This is entirely my perspective, and I'm genuinely not making a judgement on you (I realise not everybody sees it like I do), but...the very act of telling me to choose between them and my dog would cancel out any positives they had, because they're not the person I thought they were.