For refusing to move in with his previously aggressive dog...

[sarahmoore2]

long story short - partners dog has 'accidently' attacked and killed a small dog 7 years ago. Apparently it was the smaller dogs fault for being yappy? (Pitbull vs chihuahua)

I have a medium sized dog and I do not feel comfortable putting my dog around the Pitbull. Granted it was a long time ago, however I have recently seen the dog snap at peoples hand for no reason (at big events - maybe over stimulated?) and also snap at another dog over a bone.

Unfortunately it is the size that scares me as they are so powerful, my dog would not stand a chance against him. My partner has said we will keep them separate in the same house forever, but I think that sounds totally stressful, especially as we are at the age were kids are our next step. I just do not want to enter motherhood having to look after a baby and worry about separating 2 dogs. I really love my partner, but he has made it very clear that he is not willing to 'give away his dog' even though his parents have offered to take the dog so I can live comfortably (he will still get to see the dog). I have nobody to take my dog, and have no family nearby therefore I would lose contact with my dog if I rehomed him and do not have the option. We are at the stage now where we either get married and move in together, or break up. I am making multiple sacrifices to be in this relationship already; which is why I feel strongly about him making one. AIBU?

Dog issue aside, I think you nailed the issue upthread OP when you said that you can't trust his judgement. He is either thick or selfish. Neither option is particularly desirable, and not indicative of a good husband or father.

Even if he changed his mind about the dog tomorrow, you allude to the fact that you are making all the compromises in this relationship. This imbalance will turn in to resentment over time. Are you honestly happy? Do you feel like equal partners or do you feel like you are in a power struggle with him a lot of the time?

is this real? If so, he sounds thick. I would want his genetics in a child of mine.

We have to assume OP is not in the U.K. where pitbulls are banned I guess. There's been no info on this forthcoming from OP despite several questions.

So just here to echo everyone else. Don't move in, don't risk the life of your dog, don't have a baby with him.

I agree with everyone else OP, your boyfriend sounds a bit like a petulant child, who wants it all his own way, and in his own mind manages to make it all sound viable, but that is where a child differs from an adult, because a child doesn't see the dangers, where, by the time you've reached adulthood, you should always be on the lookout for things that are likely to cause danger to you and yours. Your boyfriend doesn't appear to have developed this adult trait, which makes me wonder, even without the dog issue, whether he would be good father material, as if he's not capable or foreseeing danger, you have to ask yourself if he would be the Dad, who wanders off to take a call, while leaving a young child in the bath alone. Or walks a your child along a busy road without holding their hand, as he can't see that they might just step off the pavement into the path of a great big truck. Personally, I would be stepping back from this relationship, as while you could continue to see each other while living separately, would this fulfil how you see your life progressing, ie, do you want to get married, have kids, etc., in which case you're just prolonging the inevitable.

@WiddlinDiddlin you aren't wrong - he GENUINELY thinks that the child/dog will get along, and his dog quote on quote "isn't going to just randomly maul or lunge for my dogs". He really says to me that this issue is in my head, and I am stopping us from moving on with our lives and getting married. He portrays me as creating this problem out of nowhere, and it is really getting to me that I am not being validated.
He thinks that a split household is going to be fine, with zero mistakes made. He would rather take the risk than rehome his dog to his parents so I can move in and be comfortable. He keeps throwing it in my face that the dog is fine around his uncles small dog (just ignores it, doesn't look at it, play, anything)
I need to draw the line but he paints it out to be my issue.

@KidsandKindness thanks for this. I think the worst part about it all is he might even foresee the danger, but is prepared to take the risk to avoid parting with the dog...
& yes to everybody that asked - not in the UK. Unfortunately they are not banned where I am.

@Saintmariesleuth I think its more selfish - that he sees the dog as his responsibility and nothing is going to get in the way of that, which I guess isn't selfish for the dog, but selfish to everyone who will now be in danger from this dog. If he really loved the dog IMO he wouldn't want to even risk him being able to attack another animal. He has even said to me (when I saw him lunge at another dog) that he is a "only dog" and doesn't need to be around other dogs... I replied well that's all great, but what about my dogs? and he says they just won't be around each other.. sigh..

He's delusional both about the risk of having that dog around any child and the behaviour of said child to the dog. He blamed the other dog for getting itself attacked and killed, he's saying the child will be the one expected to behave around the dog, not the dog. If that dog does anything to your child he's going to blame the child and he will never get rid of that dog no matter what it does. There is no way in hell I would have a child while living with this dog.

Leave him.

@VimFuego101 he usually does keep him locked away at home. But he wanted to tell me the dog is fine around people and other dogs. So then I started to ask why he isn’t taking the dog, so he did. Then that happened. He’s still in denial though.
then he started accusing me of “testing the dog and wanting him to react”? When he was telling me he was fine so I wanted to see for myself.

The very fact he thinks this means his dog is fine...

"He keeps throwing it in my face that the dog is fine around his uncles small dog (just ignores it, doesn't look at it, play, anything)"

Shows you how utterly clueless he is about his dog. That is not a dog who is fine with other dogs. That is a dog desperately trying to pretend the other dog is not there because he's scared of conflict, scared of what happens if he curls a lip and says 'fuck off other dog'. It is a massively avoidant display that is the classic behaviour of a dog who is thoroughly uncomfortable with a situation.

This man does not understand his own dog, does not read his dogs behaviour and body language accurately and is downplaying the risks.

FWIW, I have seen situations where a big dog has killed a little dog and it truly was not the big dogs fault (long story short, tiny little yorkie repeatedly allowed to fly out of his garden and yell in the faces of passing dogs. Did it to a big GSD one day, gripped the GSD by his sore ear. Big dog turned, grabbed, shook once and dropped. Dead yorkie. Over in a split second, I was perhaps 15ft behind owner and dog when this happened and saw the whole thing. That dog was soft as butter normally, but everyone has their breaking point and the size difference meant that what with a similar sized dog would have been a 'hand bags at dawn' type affair was deadly to the tiny dog. (Even so, he was never walked without a muzzle again, his owners choice!)

So there are mitigating circumstances to some things, many things in fact... but the bottom line is, responsible dog owners do not ignore these events. They do not repeatedly put their dogs in situations they cannot handle. They do not ignore risks. Your parter IS ignoring risks and he is not doing anything to mitigate them, to help his dog... What ELSE would he behave this way over? Do not move in with him.

Many dogs, especially certain breeds, can be dog aggressive or have a high prey drive and not be aggressive towards humans at all, ever.

However, the fact that this dog is clearly dog aggressive, and is now also snapping at people? I would never, ever trust it anywhere near a newborn baby. One bite. One shake. Game over.

Does he blame you when he is aggressive as well? It's not his dog's fault, it's not his fault. He's lucky that his dog wasn't put down for killing another dog.

Don't move in, take all this as a very clear sign that he's not the man for you

Aggression in dogs isn’t just magically cured. That dog is a ticking timebomb.

TBH he sounds like a scumbag. Any dog that kills another dog or injures a person should be PTS. But killing a dog and snapping at people? I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole let alone move in with him. And I report his dangerous dog to relevant authorities.

You don't trust his judgement, his dog might bite you, his dog might attack your dog, your dog will be stressed regardless, the onus will entirely be on you to keep both dogs apart, you will never be relaxed in your own home. And then this:

He really says to me that this issue is in my head

Jesus Christ, how many more red flags do you need?

Honestly OP with this many red flags I think you’d be mad to continue this relationship. You’re setting yourself, your dog, and any future children up for disaster. Run a mile!

Its always a red flag for me too when an OP is full of ‘he says this’ ‘he says that’. Good for him, but totally irrelevant. Anyone can say anything.

Look at what’s actually happening; what has happened in the past, is reasonably likely to happen in the future, has happened is similar situations, and base your decisions on that.

I often weigh in on these threads from an excessively pro-dog position but this is a no-brainer imo. If he wants to live with his dog like that, fine, but you can't move in with yours & you can't have children around it.

He's being extremely naive if he thinks you can separate dogs in one household for all eternity - you can't. You also can't bring another animal into his dog's space, that's a whole other level of stress for even calm dogs.

He also cannot take the stand of 'I'll just teach it to ignore a baby', like Wtf? The dog hasn't even been around children & the two things have to live in harmony. Kids would have to be off the cards until the dog has lived it's life.

I've nothing against pitbulls, like any dog they can be loving & devoted but it just doesn't sound like your partners pitbull has been raised that way at all. Curious to know if the dog has its tail & ears?

All that said! He's had a companion for 9yrs - you can't expect him to get rid of it so you either wait it out or move on.

Being realistic, the situation is ultimately that the relationship's likely over. If anybody said "It's me or the dog" (which is effectively what you're doing), regardless of the reason or history, I'd be choosing the dog - because the dog is entirely dependent on me and when I got him/her, I made a commitment for their entire life.

That works for both sides, too - I wouldn't want to be with somebody who made me dump my dog, but I also wouldn't want to be with someone who would say "yes"; I'd never trust their ability to stick to their commitments.

Your reasons for doing so are irrelevant (apart from the fact that you can feel right about it) - the practical result is that you're never going to move in together.

Accept that and move on.

I think this relationship just can't progress. You cannot bring a child into this situation. You cannot train a baby not to make loud upsetting noises. You can't really train a toddler not to do annoying things. Not immediately, accidents will happen. It would be a learning process and the consequences of when they get it wrong mean that they would likely suffer terrible injuries or death.

You say you think he totally believes that the dog is his responsibility but he is not responsible as he hasn't been addressing the dog's behaviour. He should be receiving ongoing training from a behaviourist. He should also accept that the dog's death was no accident and entirely his and his dog's fault.

He is gaslighting you about it being in your head, and you being the one with the problem. If he is prepared to gaslight and manipulate you like this over the dog then he will do it over anything that doesn't suit what he wants. It sounds like he already has if you are the one making all the sacrifices to be in the relationship.

You keep referring to it being about your comfort for the dog to go to his parents. It's not your comfort, it's your safety. Comfort devalues it. The fact is, no one is safe around this dog. It snaps at humans and dogs alike and has previously killed. Not a chance in hell I would be near this dog or any man that tried to gaslight me into ignoring my own safety. They are both a danger.

Is this the same irresponsible idiot who you previously posted about? The one who rarely walks the dog, who hasn’t even house-trained it and who you wanted to move in with and get pregnant?
Honestly, if you didn’t listen to the advice given then then I suspect we’re all wasting out time here.
You do whatever you like OP, and just accept full responsibility when it turns disastrous.

You said you are the one making all the sacrifices to stay in the relationship. That on its own would be enough to make me end the relationship even without the dog issue.

I recognise the OP now. This is the second thread on exactly the same issue. Was told NO overwhelmingly last time.

Why bother with another thread?

Frankly your bf should improve the genetic pool by not having children, and as you're STILL wittering on about this I don't think you should either. You have piss poor judgement and zero common sense. Your poor dog.

I recognise the OP now. This is the second thread on exactly the same issue. Was told NO overwhelmingly last time.

I almost hoped it would be the same OP, as at least it means less ridiculous decision makers are out there in the world!

Why on earth get together with someone who owns a pitbull?

He thinks you can keep 2 dogs separate long term in the same house? He thinks you can train a child to leave a dog alone, when he hasn't successfully trained his own aggressive dog?

Wake up, hes a moron

Didn't the last one have cats and wasn't already living with him?