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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be taking step daughter on honeymoon with us?

203 replies

poppy33xx · 17/04/2024 15:48

My DP & I have been together 6 years and are tying the knot this summer. We are having my DSD (11) for an extra 2 week period around the wedding which is lovely as we want her to be involved and she's very excited, we are going dress shopping soon actually, hair & make up trials together. Everything has been lovely, easy planning & stress free. We are having a very low key wedding with around 15 immediate family & friends.

We booked a honeymoon just the two of us for a the day after we drop DSD home to her mums. We go away for 10 days and it won't interfere with contact time with DSD, other than DP's mum picking her up from school the day we land just in case our flight is delayed. We are going to the US. We did choose to splurge on this honeymoon, as we preferred to do this rather than spend big bucks on the wedding. It has meant we haven't been able to afford our usual 7 day all inclusive yearly holiday with DSD, but we are still taking her away this year but to somewhere in the UK (still a week & will still be lots of fun).

Anyways, recently when I've been talking to various people the first question I get asked is 'are the 3 of you going on honeymoon then' or 'aww poor DSD' or 'that's a shame for her' or similar things along the same line. This has taken me a aback as I didn't think it was commonplace for couples to bring their kids on honeymoon? but now I'm questioning everything! As much as I love DSD and get on great with her, I'd quite like some down time and 1 on 1 time with my partner after we get married. He was in agreement and when I bought it up with him he even said to me 'why would we bring DSD'....

I'd like to just add so that I don't sound like a horrid SM, that we include DSD with our lives as much as we can, she has an amazing room at ours, she knows all my family, she's a part of my family as much as my DP's now to be honest. We have always taken her on holiday every year (all abroad) and we have her regularly. In 6 years there really hasn't been any issues at all whatsoever...so I'm not sure why this has got me questioning so much and why part of me feels bad.

What are other's peoples thoughts on this please?

YABU - You should take DSD on honeymoon yes.
YANBU - Fine to go without

OP posts:
IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 17/04/2024 22:24

Doseofreality · 17/04/2024 15:56

I put you are being unreasonable but really it’s her Dad who is, splashing all that cash on a trip to America and she gets a trip in the UK.
She will resent that, even if she doesn’t outwardly show it.

Please tell me you’re joking.

Josette77 · 17/04/2024 22:34

Op honestly this kind of got me teary eyed.

You sound like a wonderful stepmum. 💝 You clearly love your sdd and it sounds like you are all lucky to have each other.

Go and enjoy your honeymoon!!! Bring her back a present and congratulations!!!

NewGirlinClass · 17/04/2024 22:50

It isn't merely a holiday, it is honeymoon. Even though you have been together 6 years you are making a big change to your status.
Legally and spiritually you will be different after the wedding. Take that honeymoon time and absorb the differences and responsibilities and how it will change you.
It ought to change you IMO. Congratulations and Very Best Wishes to you both.

jump8 · 17/04/2024 22:59

Yanbu.
It's a honeymoon and the only one you'll have.

People are
Nosey and ignorant.

She's lucky to still get a holiday this year and to have a sm like you.

Enjoy it.

Redpaisley · 17/04/2024 23:05

poppy33xx · 17/04/2024 16:05

I mean... we are paying jointly though for our honeymoon plus a very large generous gift from my parents??? Not just my DP...so he's deffo not 'splashing the cash'

Show quote history

Please don't feel guilty about splurging money on your honeymoon. You saved from wedding. What if you had a big wedding, would then people have criticise about spending money on wedding and taking dsd on a UK holiday. One year holiday in UK is not such a bad option for your dsd. She is 11, she does not need to travel the world. You can take her to a nice foreign holiday next year. And I don't understand why people in UK dislike their own country so much? You can have a nice holiday in UK too.

Op enjoy your honeymoon, and do not let anyone guilt trip you. You sound like an amazing sm to your dsd. Best is to tell people to mind their business as gently as you can.

Redpaisley · 17/04/2024 23:13

SpaghettiWithaYeti · 17/04/2024 17:32

I'm not remotely saying it should be standard to have foreign holidays. My children love UK holidays.

It's the fact her holiday was changed to prioritise spending on their honeymoon. As a step parent (and a mother of children who have a step parent) I think these kind of things can cause more upset to the child than people realise. It's the message it sends rather than the location per se.

Show quote history

Sometimes kids can also accomodate for their parents. And this is a very rare occasion. Not every kid needs to be raised like Paris Hilton, kids should learn some minor adjustments from time to time. No wonder next generation is full of self love, and self importance, never learnt any giving and minor adjusting for others.

Noseybookworm · 17/04/2024 23:21

Don't let anyone make you feel bad. Go and have a wonderful honeymoon ♥️ your DSD will be fine and probably looking forward to you bringing her back a lovely present!

Yousay55 · 17/04/2024 23:46

I think it’s ok to go away by yourselves for a few nights, but 10 days seems a lot for a parent to be away from their child.

LemonySnickets · 18/04/2024 00:00

As per a PP, I wouldn't take my own kids on a honeymoon!

Cornflakes44 · 18/04/2024 07:04

Doseofreality · 17/04/2024 15:56

I put you are being unreasonable but really it’s her Dad who is, splashing all that cash on a trip to America and she gets a trip in the UK.
She will resent that, even if she doesn’t outwardly show it.

People are allowed to do things for themselves. Life doesn't need to be one long sacrifice for your kids. It's one year, she'll cope.

Noyesnoyes · 18/04/2024 07:07

Yousay55 · 17/04/2024 23:46

I think it’s ok to go away by yourselves for a few nights, but 10 days seems a lot for a parent to be away from their child.

They're with the other parent.... They've been away from the DM for two weeks, didn't seem to be an issue?

familyissues12345 · 18/04/2024 07:24

We had DS (4) come along for half of our honeymoon, but that was because we fancied half of the holiday doing something fun Grin
Wouldn't have thought twice about him not coming though! Honeymoons should be for the newly weds ...

Agix · 18/04/2024 07:32

YANBU

My dad and stepmum took me on their "honeymoon"... but of course it wasn't their honeymoon, it was just a holiday straight after the wedding. We all went to Florida... Disneyworld, Universal Studios etc. Really exciting luxury kids stuff. Was brilliant.

They then went on their actual honeymoon, just the two of them, a couple of months later. It was a smaller holiday than Florida by far but somewhere romantic they wanted to go.

I really appreciate that they did that, but at the time don't think I'd have been upset if they didn't. Looking back I wouldn't find it upsetting if they went on their actual honeymoon first/as the big holiday. It was meaningful and nice that they did, but they didn't have to.

I'd have probably been a bit sad if they went to actual Disneyworld without me as a kid of course 😅 but they probably wouldn't have!

ajlots · 18/04/2024 07:52

Makes me cringe when people take a family holiday after a wedding and call it a honeymoon, it's NOT a honeymoon if there are kids there!! Normally I side with the step kids on these threads but na you're fine, she's 11, she can go abroad next year.

lul1 · 18/04/2024 07:55

To the people saying it's not normal.
We took our kids on honeymoon. It didn't feel right going away without them and we didn't have money for two holidays. We even had two separate rooms.

But a step child is different they usually have another parent they can stay with.

Yes she's missing out on a holiday abroad but she's 11 she should realise things are different this year and uk holidays are great. Mine have only been abroad 3 times and they are early teens so she's lucky.

ajlots · 18/04/2024 07:56

@lul1 you didn't go on honeymoon. You went on holiday.

lul1 · 18/04/2024 08:00

😢

Redpaisley · 18/04/2024 09:32

Agix · 18/04/2024 07:32

YANBU

My dad and stepmum took me on their "honeymoon"... but of course it wasn't their honeymoon, it was just a holiday straight after the wedding. We all went to Florida... Disneyworld, Universal Studios etc. Really exciting luxury kids stuff. Was brilliant.

They then went on their actual honeymoon, just the two of them, a couple of months later. It was a smaller holiday than Florida by far but somewhere romantic they wanted to go.

I really appreciate that they did that, but at the time don't think I'd have been upset if they didn't. Looking back I wouldn't find it upsetting if they went on their actual honeymoon first/as the big holiday. It was meaningful and nice that they did, but they didn't have to.

I'd have probably been a bit sad if they went to actual Disneyworld without me as a kid of course 😅 but they probably wouldn't have!

That was really sweet of them especially your sm. Hope you all have a great relationship.

Redpaisley · 18/04/2024 09:38

Noyesnoyes · 18/04/2024 07:07

They're with the other parent.... They've been away from the DM for two weeks, didn't seem to be an issue?

Show quote history

I wonder if some of these posts are by bitter mothers, who can't see their ex husband having a good time and enjoy personal lives, so find ways to judge even in very reasonable situations and use kids for guilt tripping. These posts sounds like projections of their own lives. It's fairly reasonable to go on a honeymoon for 10 days and skip a day or 2 of childcare after spending 2 weeks with the child and involving her in everything you are doing and the child is not like 1 year old, so father has a right to enjoy a bit of time for himself, especially when this is once or twice in a lifetime opportunity.

MartinsSpareCalculator · 18/04/2024 09:40

I find it weird when people turn their honeymoon into a family holiday so definitely don't think you're unreasonable!

NeedToChangeName · 18/04/2024 09:43

In the distant past, a honeymoon would (for many couples) be their first time away from parents, first time they have sex etc

Nowadays, it's just a holiday

I think it's a real shame for the child to be excluded. It gives her a message about priorities, and not a good one

But the decisions been made, so I hope (genuinely) that she's OK with it and it doesn't cause problems

thepastinsidethepresent · 18/04/2024 10:35

NeedToChangeName · 18/04/2024 09:43

In the distant past, a honeymoon would (for many couples) be their first time away from parents, first time they have sex etc

Nowadays, it's just a holiday

I think it's a real shame for the child to be excluded. It gives her a message about priorities, and not a good one

But the decisions been made, so I hope (genuinely) that she's OK with it and it doesn't cause problems

In what way is it not good to send a message that a honeymoon is for a married couple and no one else?

Original poster
poppy33xx · 18/04/2024 11:02

NeedToChangeName · 18/04/2024 09:43

In the distant past, a honeymoon would (for many couples) be their first time away from parents, first time they have sex etc

Nowadays, it's just a holiday

I think it's a real shame for the child to be excluded. It gives her a message about priorities, and not a good one

But the decisions been made, so I hope (genuinely) that she's OK with it and it doesn't cause problems

Are DP & I not able to prioritise ourselves for 10 days out of the 365 days in the year then?

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 18/04/2024 11:20

poppy33xx · 18/04/2024 11:02

Are DP & I not able to prioritise ourselves for 10 days out of the 365 days in the year then?

Show quote history

Of course you are. It’s not even once in 365 days; it’s once in a lifetime. You’re only going to ever have one honeymoon together.

JudgeJ · 18/04/2024 12:00

It's none of their business.

This is so true but I am constantly amazed on MN of how many arguments etc. are a result of people constantly talking to others about their plans in life! Is it normal to discuss the minutiae of everything with others family, friends etc.? I think I'm probably odd in that I generally don't discuss things with others, I just get on with it!