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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be taking step daughter on honeymoon with us?

203 replies

poppy33xx · 17/04/2024 15:48

My DP & I have been together 6 years and are tying the knot this summer. We are having my DSD (11) for an extra 2 week period around the wedding which is lovely as we want her to be involved and she's very excited, we are going dress shopping soon actually, hair & make up trials together. Everything has been lovely, easy planning & stress free. We are having a very low key wedding with around 15 immediate family & friends.

We booked a honeymoon just the two of us for a the day after we drop DSD home to her mums. We go away for 10 days and it won't interfere with contact time with DSD, other than DP's mum picking her up from school the day we land just in case our flight is delayed. We are going to the US. We did choose to splurge on this honeymoon, as we preferred to do this rather than spend big bucks on the wedding. It has meant we haven't been able to afford our usual 7 day all inclusive yearly holiday with DSD, but we are still taking her away this year but to somewhere in the UK (still a week & will still be lots of fun).

Anyways, recently when I've been talking to various people the first question I get asked is 'are the 3 of you going on honeymoon then' or 'aww poor DSD' or 'that's a shame for her' or similar things along the same line. This has taken me a aback as I didn't think it was commonplace for couples to bring their kids on honeymoon? but now I'm questioning everything! As much as I love DSD and get on great with her, I'd quite like some down time and 1 on 1 time with my partner after we get married. He was in agreement and when I bought it up with him he even said to me 'why would we bring DSD'....

I'd like to just add so that I don't sound like a horrid SM, that we include DSD with our lives as much as we can, she has an amazing room at ours, she knows all my family, she's a part of my family as much as my DP's now to be honest. We have always taken her on holiday every year (all abroad) and we have her regularly. In 6 years there really hasn't been any issues at all whatsoever...so I'm not sure why this has got me questioning so much and why part of me feels bad.

What are other's peoples thoughts on this please?

YABU - You should take DSD on honeymoon yes.
YANBU - Fine to go without

OP posts:
HRTQueen · 17/04/2024 19:35

Of course YANBU

sounds like you have a lovely relationship and your dsd knows she is loved so won’t feel resentful she will have a lovely time being part of your wedding

Some people love to make mischief

chocmatcha · 17/04/2024 19:36

The honeymoon is for getting loads of sex in before life goes back to normal. Why would your DSD want to be in the vicinity

Duckingella · 17/04/2024 19:41

It's a honeymoon not a family holiday;how weird.

Has anyone considered that the step daughter probably doesn't want to go on a honeymoon with her dad and step mum either.

Lemonyyy · 17/04/2024 19:44

I didn’t take my own daughter on honeymoon! Those people probably just weren’t thinking about what they were saying, you sound like a really lovely stepmum and I hope you have a wonderful time away!

malificent7 · 17/04/2024 19:48

Yanbu...people are weird!

thestepmumspacepodcast · 17/04/2024 20:07

ChampagneBlossom44 · 17/04/2024 19:19

Ignore - just let it go over your head.

before DH & my wedding I was asked if (and why not) I was

having his children walk me down the aisle.
writing vows to especially include them.
buying them a special wedding present.
planning a child friendly honeymoon.
inviting DH’s ex girlfriend, their mum, to show the children we are a big family.

This all being said in front of the children didn’t help matters at all. A few weeks after the wedding (a very quick 15 people affair, no reception but of course the kids were there it goes without saying) the kids who were 8 & 11 at the time & exploded, said they didn’t want to see their dad any more & that they were angry with me because I didn’t do a speech about them, that mummy & nana said weddings were about the kids and we didn’t even get them a bouncy castle. I was flabbagastered, I asked them if mummy did a speech at her wedding a year earlier about their step siblings & it seemed to click for them that what we’d had wasn’t totally unique or out of the ordinary. They are generally really lovely kids.

around 3/4 of the wedding cards we received were written out to ‘bride & groom & SKs’ which seemed so bizarre to me, I’ve had plenty of friends marry after children but I’ve never thought to include the childrens name on the card or gift.

Edited

This made me sad @ChampagneBlossom44

It's so hard - ALL the stepmums I have ever spoken to have wanted to include the children but all families are different and do things in different ways. Also the children might not be comfortable doing those things, some maybe are not even comfortable with their parents re-marrying.

Some stepmums I have heard from have eloped purely to get away from all the stepdrama.... not because they wanted to elope necessarily but because there were too many other people putting too many demands on them.

Of course it can be hard for children seeing their parents re-marry and they deserve to be considered but EVERY SINGLE STEPMUM who has ever spoken to me has had that top of mind - above ANYTHING else to do with their wedding.

So I am sorry that you had all that come your way and I hope it didn't spoil your wedding day for you xxx

Scrunshine · 17/04/2024 20:13

We left DSD and DD with family for our honeymoon. You sound like a lovely thoughtful step mum. Don’t question your decisions for a second

Scrunshine · 17/04/2024 20:17

thestepmumspacepodcast · 17/04/2024 20:07

This made me sad @ChampagneBlossom44

It's so hard - ALL the stepmums I have ever spoken to have wanted to include the children but all families are different and do things in different ways. Also the children might not be comfortable doing those things, some maybe are not even comfortable with their parents re-marrying.

Some stepmums I have heard from have eloped purely to get away from all the stepdrama.... not because they wanted to elope necessarily but because there were too many other people putting too many demands on them.

Of course it can be hard for children seeing their parents re-marry and they deserve to be considered but EVERY SINGLE STEPMUM who has ever spoken to me has had that top of mind - above ANYTHING else to do with their wedding.

So I am sorry that you had all that come your way and I hope it didn't spoil your wedding day for you xxx

Show quote history

I agree with all this. For my DSD is was super important to her that she’s not treated differently from DD (who my husband is the father of) so a big speech about her becoming my family would have been hurtful to her as we have already been a family for a long time and the marriage didn’t make her more a part of the family.

Lwrenn · 17/04/2024 20:34

@poppy33xx hello, of course you're not being unreasonable at all. I just wanted to say have a lovely wedding and honeymoon! You do sound like a lovely stepmum and I wish you and your family a very happy time 💐

Cherrysoup · 17/04/2024 20:44

Totally reasonable not to take her, this is the one holiday for you two alone.

Gonners · 17/04/2024 20:51

Leaving everything else aside (and I am entirely on the YANBU side here), were people also expecting you to share the bridal suite with her? Because few hotels will let an 11-year-old stay in a room on their own, and those that would are perhaps best avoided.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 17/04/2024 20:58

Doseofreality · 17/04/2024 15:56

I put you are being unreasonable but really it’s her Dad who is, splashing all that cash on a trip to America and she gets a trip in the UK.
She will resent that, even if she doesn’t outwardly show it.

Get a grip! My children have enjoyed our UK holidays far more than any we've taken them to abroad!

IwishMaxTheriothadanOnlyfans · 17/04/2024 21:02

I got asked this about my DD when I married DH (not her biological dad). I never for one second entertained the idea of taking her - she was 12 at the time and never expressed any desire/expectation that she would go. People are weird OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2024 21:07

Doseofreality · 17/04/2024 15:56

I put you are being unreasonable but really it’s her Dad who is, splashing all that cash on a trip to America and she gets a trip in the UK.
She will resent that, even if she doesn’t outwardly show it.

For fuck's sake, stop being so ridiculous.

Op ignore this batshittery and anyone else telling you to bring a child on your bloody honeymoon.

ontheflighttosingapore · 17/04/2024 21:10

Kids don't go on honeymoons no matter whose they are

Gingerbee · 17/04/2024 21:12

I can't understand why anyone would want to take a child on honeymoon.
It is the couples time.

JMSA · 17/04/2024 21:13

YANBU.
Enjoy!

JMSA · 17/04/2024 21:15

Doseofreality · 17/04/2024 15:56

I put you are being unreasonable but really it’s her Dad who is, splashing all that cash on a trip to America and she gets a trip in the UK.
She will resent that, even if she doesn’t outwardly show it.

It won't kill her for one year! The world doesn't have to revolve around our children 365.

NeverEnoughPants · 17/04/2024 21:15

ontheflighttosingapore · 17/04/2024 21:10

Kids don't go on honeymoons no matter whose they are

That's not always the case. I know a couple that got married, with seven children between them. They were both widowed. They decided to make the honeymoon a massive family holiday. This was mainly for practical reasons - it's not easy to get someone to look after that many children. It worked for them.

But it's highly unusual. And with one child that has another parent - it would be very odd to bring them along.

Sandpitnotmoshpit · 17/04/2024 21:15

I think people just like to berate step mothers. My honeymoon was cancelled due to covid and I got pregnant just after that happened, so we never went. At some point in a few years time (basically when both my children are old enough to leave for a week with my lovely in laws) I will be going on honeymoon, without my children.

Please don't give this a second thought, unless there are lots of other issues (which you have made it clear there are not). Or unless it's spectacularly mean e.g. she's always wanted to go to Disneyland but has been told no and that's where you are going. So when I go on honeymoon I will choose something that DH and I will love but I know that most 10/8 year olds find dull - basically museums/art galleries/ruins.

If it's something which would be massively fun for kids I would try to do this as a family holiday instead, but basically our holidays now all revolve largely around what is fun for children so this isn't really an issue.

coffeeandcake91 · 17/04/2024 21:34

It's a honeymoon! Kids do not belong on a honeymoon. Those people saying otherwise are weird! Don't let anyone make you feel bad or guilty about not bringing your SD.

CoraPirbright · 17/04/2024 22:06

I think people who say this are ever so slightly jealous of your upcoming honeymoon and are seeking (probably subconsciously) to cast a shadow over it.

anchoviesanchovies · 17/04/2024 22:09

Doseofreality · 17/04/2024 15:56

I put you are being unreasonable but really it’s her Dad who is, splashing all that cash on a trip to America and she gets a trip in the UK.
She will resent that, even if she doesn’t outwardly show it.

You are delusional! It’s their honeymoon, of course she won’t resent it. Utter rubbish.

Rewis · 17/04/2024 22:21

Parents go on holiday without their kids all the time.

Edenmum2 · 17/04/2024 22:23

I wouldn't have even considered bringing my kids or my step kids on my honeymoon. Anyone who would doesn't understand what a honeymoon is