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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for paying child caused damage out of wedding gift money?

473 replies

Toffifee1 · 17/04/2024 13:33

Let me start by saying i will absolutely always offer or even insist to pay for damage that my child (or I, I‘m clumsy) caused. But this one i thought was unnecessary.

My DC accidentally broke a plate - a regular, plain, rented plate, nothing fancy, no family heirloom - at a wedding. I apologised and cleaned it up. I did not offer to replace it because it was just a plate at a wedding venue, i thought those damages were kind of included.

Additional info: I know the groom was trying to safe every penny in advance of the wedding while the bride wanted everything extravagant and chic and the pair asked for money as gifts. The wedding was at an expensive instagram-worthy location(castle) but they saved money on everything regarding the guests like low budget food(not even enough) and few drinks.

The groom asked me to replace the plate in front of all the other guests. I was honestly a bit taken aback as i still had the envelope with enough money to more than cover my meal in my purse.
So i reached into my purse, took the envelope, took one of the two 100£ notes out and handed it to him saying „This should cover it, you can give me the change later.“

So basically everyone including the groom realised that i just reduced his gift money. Was i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Chartreuse45 · 17/04/2024 16:51

Exactly the right thing to do! Spine of steel, consider me in awe of your quick thinking and brilliance.

TipsyKoala · 17/04/2024 16:55

Crunchymum · 17/04/2024 13:45

Why were you gifting someone £200???

That’s what I thought!

SeanBeansMealDeal · 17/04/2024 16:55

I'd have been half tempted to break another plate over his head and tell him to charge me for two Grin

ToxicChristmas · 17/04/2024 16:58

Janetime · 17/04/2024 16:51

Sadly op,you know you’ve messed up when this forum applauds, it only does this the more obnoxious and rude you are. Telling people to fuck off. Calling them names. The worse it is, the more applause there is.

back in the real world though, you were incredibly rude and handled it with a complete lack of grace. It isn’t a race to the bottom. Yes he behaved poorly by asking you to replace it. But sometimes it is better to go high, than try to go lower.

Show quote history

OP didn't swear or rant or tell anyone to fuck off. She offered the groom money to replace the plate. What's rude or obnoxious about that? The groom chose to ask her for money in front of a group of people. If he was subsequently embarrassed about that he only has one person to blame.

TheValueOfEverything · 17/04/2024 17:00

I think OP was giving £200 as guests were asked to pay to attend the wedding to cover their costs in guise of “cash wedding present calculated per head”. OP can you clarify?

Janetime · 17/04/2024 17:00

ToxicChristmas · 17/04/2024 16:58

OP didn't swear or rant or tell anyone to fuck off. She offered the groom money to replace the plate. What's rude or obnoxious about that? The groom chose to ask her for money in front of a group of people. If he was subsequently embarrassed about that he only has one person to blame.

Show quote history

Honestly the faux naivety. . Save us.

betterangels · 17/04/2024 17:01

ToxicChristmas · 17/04/2024 16:58

OP didn't swear or rant or tell anyone to fuck off. She offered the groom money to replace the plate. What's rude or obnoxious about that? The groom chose to ask her for money in front of a group of people. If he was subsequently embarrassed about that he only has one person to blame.

Show quote history

Exactly this. He put himself in that position by being rude to a guest. Should she just have taken it like a 'good woman' or something? No.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/04/2024 17:01

"The groom asked me to replace the plate in front of all the other guests."

That was rude of him. And I can't help but wonder how much he was (not) enjoying his wedding day festivities for the breaking of one plate to be such a priority to him.

I'm intrigued by "low budget food(not even enough)". That's piss-poor catering, which is down to him. Oh, how him memories of his wedding day will keep him warm in old age! Tosser.

I would give him the exact amount for the plate, no more. I would not be gifting the second £100 note to him. Having the reception in a castle I'm going to guess there was nowhere nearby for you to source food from; so his undercatering for his guests would have left you actually hungry (you mentioned "hangry"Grin). Fuck it, I'd keep that £100 as a 'fine'!

ToxicChristmas · 17/04/2024 17:01

Janetime · 17/04/2024 17:00

Honestly the faux naivety. . Save us.

Show quote history

😂 OK.

Original poster
Toffifee1 · 17/04/2024 17:02

Viviennemary · 17/04/2024 16:47

It was rude of them to ask you to pay I think. But doing what you did in front of everyone was mean too. Six of one. Probably end of friendship.

Update.
Groom called. He was told by several people including his mother that he was being a dick and he apologised.
The wedding was yesterday(yes, everyone had to take a vacation day but the venue was cheaper on weekdays) so it must‘ve been pretty important to him.

He was super stressed about the wedding costs and it caused a lot of conflict with his now wife, who organised the wedding and apparently when he skimmed over the contract for renting dishes and other party supplies there was a high (i did not ask for the amount) fee for damages or incomplete return and when he told the wife this could happen she said if someone destroyed something, surely they‘d offer to pay for the damage so it wouldn‘t up the overall costs. The rental company actually told them not to worry about the one plate.
The groom hinted at mental health problems and said he talked to his therapist about the wedding.
So now i do feel like an A*ole but i‘m still unsure about the rest of the money.
He‘s a cousin btw, not a friend.

OP posts:
neverendingcold · 17/04/2024 17:04

Toffifee1 · 17/04/2024 17:02

Update.
Groom called. He was told by several people including his mother that he was being a dick and he apologised.
The wedding was yesterday(yes, everyone had to take a vacation day but the venue was cheaper on weekdays) so it must‘ve been pretty important to him.

He was super stressed about the wedding costs and it caused a lot of conflict with his now wife, who organised the wedding and apparently when he skimmed over the contract for renting dishes and other party supplies there was a high (i did not ask for the amount) fee for damages or incomplete return and when he told the wife this could happen she said if someone destroyed something, surely they‘d offer to pay for the damage so it wouldn‘t up the overall costs. The rental company actually told them not to worry about the one plate.
The groom hinted at mental health problems and said he talked to his therapist about the wedding.
So now i do feel like an A*ole but i‘m still unsure about the rest of the money.
He‘s a cousin btw, not a friend.

Show quote history

Ah just send him the money and a plate

AnxiousRabbit · 17/04/2024 17:04

A £100 note?*
Not sure this happened

*ETA - not about the existence of £100notes but it still seems implausible. You hardly ever see a £50 note

aviatorsrus · 17/04/2024 17:07

Please RTFT!! This has been addressed so many times @AnxiousRabbit

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/04/2024 17:07

AnxiousRabbit · 17/04/2024 17:04

A £100 note?*
Not sure this happened

*ETA - not about the existence of £100notes but it still seems implausible. You hardly ever see a £50 note

Edited

Why?

AIBU for paying child caused damage out of wedding gift money?
AIBU for paying child caused damage out of wedding gift money?
AIBU for paying child caused damage out of wedding gift money?
Original poster
Toffifee1 · 17/04/2024 17:07

TheValueOfEverything · 17/04/2024 17:00

I think OP was giving £200 as guests were asked to pay to attend the wedding to cover their costs in guise of “cash wedding present calculated per head”. OP can you clarify?

They asked for cash instead of gifts, no amount was named but as a family of 2 adults, a baby in arms and a small child i thought £200 was on the generous side.

OP posts:
neverendingcold · 17/04/2024 17:08

AnxiousRabbit · 17/04/2024 17:04

A £100 note?*
Not sure this happened

*ETA - not about the existence of £100notes but it still seems implausible. You hardly ever see a £50 note

Edited

For a wedding you might go to the bank and ask specifically for them

ToxicChristmas · 17/04/2024 17:09

Toffifee1 · 17/04/2024 17:02

Update.
Groom called. He was told by several people including his mother that he was being a dick and he apologised.
The wedding was yesterday(yes, everyone had to take a vacation day but the venue was cheaper on weekdays) so it must‘ve been pretty important to him.

He was super stressed about the wedding costs and it caused a lot of conflict with his now wife, who organised the wedding and apparently when he skimmed over the contract for renting dishes and other party supplies there was a high (i did not ask for the amount) fee for damages or incomplete return and when he told the wife this could happen she said if someone destroyed something, surely they‘d offer to pay for the damage so it wouldn‘t up the overall costs. The rental company actually told them not to worry about the one plate.
The groom hinted at mental health problems and said he talked to his therapist about the wedding.
So now i do feel like an A*ole but i‘m still unsure about the rest of the money.
He‘s a cousin btw, not a friend.

Show quote history

That's great. He WAS being a dick. We all are sometimes, especially when stressed out and he acknowledged it and apologised. I feel sorry for him regarding the wedding/marriage as he sounds unhappy, but that's his issue to deal with and hopefully it all works out OK.
I don't think you were an arsehole at all and clearly other guests didn't either. Send your gift (if you haven't already), wish them well and forget about it.

Crumpleton · 17/04/2024 17:10

NeverEnoughPants · 17/04/2024 13:56

I also want to know if you got your change!

I'd of given him the 100 note and told him to keep the change for their wedding gift...

The other 100 note would have stayed firmly in my purse.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/04/2024 17:11

neverendingcold · 17/04/2024 17:08

For a wedding you might go to the bank and ask specifically for them

Show quote history

exactly. Decades ago I worked for a bank, we had one customer who would come in at the beginning of December every year and order three £100 notes to give to his grandchildren as their Christmas present. We didn't hold them normally, but they could be ordered from Head Office.

betterangels · 17/04/2024 17:12

Send the rest of the money if you'll feel better doing so. But you weren't an arsehole.

BirtyDird · 17/04/2024 17:14

£200 is generous and more than adequate, he's only your cousin.

I'm glad he's apologised. They have clearly booked a wedding out of thier means.

pimplebum · 17/04/2024 17:16

I would check with the venue how much they charge for broken plates

If nothing , I make sure everyone knows he " scammed " you

Send an email to the parents and the bride " concerned " that you had not paid enough and didn't want the poor wee couple to be out of pocket

V v Bad form to charge guests for broken plates !

honeyrider · 17/04/2024 17:16

You weren't the asshole, he was and he had no problem demanding payment for the plate in front of others who also think he was an asshole. He didn't care about embarrassing you in front of others so I wouldn't worry about you turning it back on him.

2024istheyearforme · 17/04/2024 17:17

Omg I wish I had been there 😂😂😂