To say portrayals of motherhood have become too negative?

[Mushroo]

Im coming to the end of my maternity leave, and it has been the best year of my life. Yes there have been hard days (and less sleep!), but overall, it’s the most content I’ve ever been. I love my LO so much, I feel like I have a real purpose and I look forward to everyday with her. It’s really been a blessing.

Now I’m not naive enough to think that it will stay like this, but so far, having a baby is by far the most rewarding and best thing I’ve ever done.

However, I very nearly didn’t have her! I’m a classic ‘high achiever’ - top uni, grad scheme, great job. All I’ve heard for years is how hard babies are, how you’ll never sleep again, it’ll ruin your body / life / freedom / career. Lots of blogs and tv shows about the relentlessness of parenting. No one really seemed to have anything positive to say.

For years and years I was terrified and even though I thought I wanted kids I kept delaying as it seemed there were limited positives to the early years.

Even when pregnant I thought I’d made a mistake as the rhetoric that your life is over is so strong and I was dreading a year off work with a screaming baby. I saw it as something to get through and then I would hopefully enjoy having an older child.

I actually now wish I’d had babies earlier and can’t believe I nearly didn’t have her. (Of course, if I hadn’t, I’m sure I’d have still had a great life!)

I know my experience isn’t universal and I’m extremely lucky, and lots of people do struggle, but AIBU to say that more people should talk about how great having children is? I spent years just hearing the negatives, and actually, for me, it’s been amazing and that never really gets spoken about?

I know a lot of people will say that the positives are inherently obvious, but for me they weren’t and I’ve been really surprised.

It probably helped I went in with very low expectations, and the negative / realistic portrayal are super important as it’s definitely not easy, but we shouldn’t hide away the positives?

I could have written this.
I have never felt that "urge" to become a mother or felt particularly maternal, I live in a different country from all my niblings so interactions woth children have been limited and sometimes felt awkward.
All I saw online and heard from people was how hard it was nothing about the joys. When pregnant it was endless just you wait until x negative thing. I was nervous.
I had my son 6 months ago and my life and heart has never been fuller.
Sure some things are hard and I'm sure some ages will be harder and I've also been blessed with a relatively easy, though very velcro, baby which I know has made it easier.

I understand where you’re coming from but I’d say I’ve heard both sides. The first year of my child’s life was the happiest I’d ever felt in some ways and I absolutely loved being on Mat leave (despite being in an awful relationship that ended very soon after baby turned 1).

Dont get me wrong there were some really hard parts but the natural maternal instinct just seemed to flip a switch and I was loved up with my baby 🥰.

I think a lot is driven by social media of course. There seems to be two polarised types of "infuencer". The Perfect Mummy and the Slummy Mummy are both equally unrealistic and, in their own way, damaging.
Of course genuine, ordinary life isn't particularly entertaining so people tend to present extremes, but it does seem to have become "cool" to moan about your children and about parenting.
Of course parenting can be hard at times. I've got 3, all of whom seemed to view sleep as some kind of optional extra til they were school age and two with significant medical conditions. I've juggled motherhood with a demanding job, with a lot of antisocial hours and no family except DH for support. I know it can be exhausting and I can imagine that it would have been a lot harder without a decent income, but overall I've found parenting a very positive experience and I'm proud of the awesome young adults they've become.
It's not wrong for people to express their feelings but I think it's becoming more taboo to say positive things about parenthood than negative ones. In reality for most of us there are ups and downs but I think there's a greater tendency to share the downs than the ups on forums which gives an unbalanced picture. And nobody talks about the plateaus where things are just ticking a long and not particularly good or bad at all, so you'd be forgiven for thinking most people's lives were a never ending roller coaster. I don't think that's true, but ordinary days don't make particularly engaging social media posts do they?

I think there is a lot of negativity about being a parent from colleagues at work but I think it's just because people like to vent.

Also, the good bits are so lovely but you do sound insane talking to people about that side. The negatives can be quite funny as part of work 'banter' but it would be a bit weird to talk about how many hours you stare at photos of your little one while they were asleep 😅

Other parents will get it but my young childfree colleagues would think I've gone completely soft if they knew!

I agree with you in that ALL the narrative around me has been about the negatives. Especially people over 50 have nothing good to say about small kids. Maybe that generation had kids young, had no idea what to expect and BOOM their whole life was turned upside down. My mum was absolutely traumatised by having me at 21! My boss told me "congratulations, you know your life is over now right?"

And no, motherhood is not valued anymore. It's all about careers, travel, "health". I'm also a high achiever, in a pretty well paid senior job, and about half the women in my firm congratulated me about my pregnancy then went on to say "I'm never having kids". OK, who the fuck even asked you?

Reading this has made me realise how I must live in an echo chamber as my experience is totally the opposite! I am a bad mum for wanting to work etc.

So so interesting to see how opinions and perceptions vary!

I think that is it. It is so easy to talk about the negatives. They are tangible and, often, quantifiable...I only had x amount of sleep, they vomited x times, they cried for x long, and so they act like the points of comparison with others.

But you can't quantify joy, contentment or peace. To explain it truthfully or accurately you'd have to get into poetry or something and who wants to hear that at work by the water cooler?

I think that is it. It is so easy to talk about the negatives.

I think there is a fear of sounding smug if speaking too positively, perhaps a British trait?! I know I always feel the need to ground any enthusiasm to appear humble...that classic "I love your dress"
"Oh thanks it's only Primark" kind of thing!

Especially people over 50 have nothing good to say about small kids.

I noticed that when my DC were young - but what I think it is after observation over years is the age parents kids have finally moved out so they are empty nesters to when grandkids come along when views flip again.

Obviously as parenthood gets later than may migrate later ages as well - but I noticed a pattern and noticed flip when their grandchildren came along - if they did.

Source?

OP nobody should be a parent if their maternal drive is weak enough to be put off by other people's stories. It's a risk, you can't get around that.
Of course a balanced view is best but if I had to pick I'd say overwhelming negativity is better than overwhelming positivity (the latter of which has been the status quo). Being pleasantly surprised is great, the other way around, not so much.

The other thing is that people's experiences are factual. The high costs of childcare, little support for mothers etc aren't just about feelings.

I don't see what benefits the 'positive' stories really have beyond disappointing people if it doesn't happen.

Perhaps I'm risk averse but DH and I are ND, family inheritance and it's always been a hell of a battle. No easy kids in the family! But I still want to do it, the urge is so strong. If I'm not put off I don't see why anybody else would be, the benefits are obvious!

*Sorry coconut accidentally tagged and can't remove

@Desecratedcoconut

This is true.
And also sometimes the appropriate thing is to respond in a similar vein if people share their worries. I bumped into an ex colleague a few weeks ago, who I haven't seen for ages. She was telling me about some quite significant issues she's having with her teenage son. When she asked after mine my response was very much skewed to my DS's negative characteristics and the "teenagers are little shits, hang on in there, you're not alone" message. I was hardly going to reel off a long list of positives about my DS and his recent achievements was I - that would have been horribly unkind in the circumstances.

And no, motherhood is not valued anymore.

Sorry but as a childless woman this is just complete bollocks. I’d love to know who you think are all the childless women over 40 being hailed as aspirational and more valuable than women who are mothers by the media. I was out for tea recently with four female friends who have children and they were tactful but I could feel the pity. There’s a vast difference between people acknowledging that motherhood can be hard, and people at large suggesting that it’s better not to be a mother. The former is true yes, the latter is complete nonsense. The underlying assumption that motherhood is more valuable than a childless life hits me daily in a million different ways. Motherhood is valued.

Baby years and toddler years were amazing cute cuddly all they wanted was mum i knew where they were.
Loved every bit of it.
It was bloody hard work as a single mum but wouldnt change it.
Teen years i would love to have skipped.
I had more sleepless nights when they were teens than what i did when they were babies.
There is good bad ups downs but thats the job.
They are both adults now at 19 and 21.
Im 38 this year and have fallen in love with silence peace and quiet and an empty home at last.
But they have become the most amazing young men now my work is done...

So many generalisations! I am 53 and have nothing against young kids. I am glad I had my two. You have misconceptions about my ‘generation’. I qualified as a doctor at 23 and had my kids in my early 30s. Like many of my peers. I had the career and then juggled it with babies. It’s worked out and I am glad I had them.

I don’t dislike kids at all. But I am delighted that so many young women are feeling confident enough to say no. To seek other paths that are right for them. That’s as it should be and I am happy there are other choices for women.

No woman needs patronising looks and pity for deciding not to have kids. Kids are great if you want them. But there is more than one way to live a life. Being a mother is not the only way.

@Harara I guess women just can't get it right? And obviously my experience will be influenced by the people around me.

My two BEST friends are childless and absolutely do not want any. Ever. They're late 30s so i doubt they have time to change their minds. They're married so relationship not an issue. The head of my firm is a woman who doesn't understand why we need maternity leave (she's a seriously terrible person though). My previous boss was also a childless woman in her 50s (so no chance for changing her mind) although I don't know her personal views on it, she wasn't vocal either way. Maybe I need to get out of corporate law 🤔

@Harara I think we all notice negativity which affects us more than that which doesn't. I had my children relatively late, and when I was child free I was definitely aware of the attitudes that you describe and probably felt that mothers were viewed as superior. But then when I had children I certainly noticed big changes in the way people treated me in the workplace and also a tendency to become "X's Mum" rather than an individual in some aspects of my personal life. I think that prejudice against mothers and against women who don't have children are both very real things.

I've enjoyed parenting but it definitely hasn't been easy. My kids mean the world to me and my husband but it's exhausting doing all you can for these small humans!

I felt like you after having one ... then I had another and it's just so much harder to have two. I tried going back to work but the juggle is really hard! I originally wanted three but feel like I wouldn't cope well with another thrown into the mix - emotionally, physically and financially.

I'm now a SAHM except for a few months when I do consultancy. My youngest is 3 and still suffers with reflux which occasionally affects her sleep. We're in a much better, enjoyable place now but my gosh, the first three years were tough especially coming through the Covid period.

She's going to school in Sept 2025 and selfishly, I'd like to keep her home with me for longer! But I know that she enjoys preschool and will thrive in school, like my eldest. I'm looking forward to gaining a little bit of the old me back.

I'm glad that parenting and the realities of it are now being discussed throughout social media as it isn't all a bed of roses. I think having money makes the world of difference when parenting as it reduces stress (nappies, milk, food, childcare all cost a lot of money! work hours / politics / load make the juggle hard etc) and opens up lots of things to do. During maternity leave I did lots of classes as well as playing in the park, going for coffee etc. I'm not sure I would have had such a great time if I'd been counting the pennies (I say this as someone brought up in poverty/ on FSM so no judgement either way here)?

I'm not sure anyone is hiding the positives rather than making it more acceptable to be realistic about parenting - the highs and the lows.

I think it's daft when people let others influence big life decisions. So unlike yourself people struggling didn't stop me from wanting to be a mum. That was their experience, all kids are different and all individuals are in terms of family set up and how we cope with stress and lack of sleep. I didn't go into it thinking it would be easy or all sunshine and rainbows either.

My 3rd has been my easiest baby despite her horrendous reflux. I was a lot more relaxed this time around and she had no choice but to slot in to her older siblings routines. I've also learnt as I've gone along not to sweat the small stuff and have enough confidence in my parenting to know when help was needed with regards to her reflux and not getting fobbed off. With my first it was grueling in the early days, I cared a lot more about what other people thought too.

I find it annoying when people say shockhorror they found parenting a newborn hard because they assumed it would be easy. Why on earth would you assume that your parenting journey would be the same as anyone else's? Surely a bit of common sense should be employed.

I couldn't disagree with you more,

Throwing out the "importance of family" line is so boring.
I have zero doubts about my decision not to have children. I'm not a family person and family relationships (outside of my parents) aren't particularly important to me. i had an amazing upbringing but i don't have much to do with my brothers now - we have nothing in common to talk about unless its about our parents.

I couldn't imagine much worse, aside from ill health, than giving up everything i have and do just to have a child "just in case i miss out"

I had a very strong maternal instinct so it wouldn’t have mattered to me what anybody said about ‘motherhood’ I was going to be a mother regardless.

Two things:

Motherhood is a marathon not a sprint and you're barely around the first corner.

SEN, PTSD from birth, birth injuries, PND, lack of support, and on and on. Some babies are easy and some are very hard. Your experience is great but it isn't more real than mine of having no more than two hours sleep in a row for two years with my baby.

I didn't really have expectations of motherhood before I had my DDs. I was the first of my friends and of my generation in my family to have children, so my experience was pretty limited!

I found the first few years quite hard overall, but with moments of real joy which helped pull me through the tougher times.

Each year, as our DDs get older, I think "Now this is my favourite age!", so I seem to be enjoying it more and more. They are 15 and 17 now, and I think we are very lucky to have such wonderful young ladies in our lives and I feel proud to be their Mum and excited about their futures.

I know it's not fashionable to say these days, but for me, motherhood has been (and continues to be) the most fulfilling thing I have ever done.

I find it annoying when people say shockhorror they found parenting a newborn hard because they assumed it would be easy. Why on earth would you assume that your parenting journey would be the same as anyone else's? Surely a bit of common sense should be employed.

I always thought that was the difference between intellectually knowing and living it.

You are aware babies need night feeds and may not sleep and then you have to actually do it and perhaps be up next day doing normal routines.

You know you may get sick when kids are young - more likely too - then you have to deal with reality of being ill in charge of baby/toddlers or they get sick a lot and then have worry about work/time off.

This.