To say portrayals of motherhood have become too negative?

[Mushroo]

Im coming to the end of my maternity leave, and it has been the best year of my life. Yes there have been hard days (and less sleep!), but overall, it’s the most content I’ve ever been. I love my LO so much, I feel like I have a real purpose and I look forward to everyday with her. It’s really been a blessing.

Now I’m not naive enough to think that it will stay like this, but so far, having a baby is by far the most rewarding and best thing I’ve ever done.

However, I very nearly didn’t have her! I’m a classic ‘high achiever’ - top uni, grad scheme, great job. All I’ve heard for years is how hard babies are, how you’ll never sleep again, it’ll ruin your body / life / freedom / career. Lots of blogs and tv shows about the relentlessness of parenting. No one really seemed to have anything positive to say.

For years and years I was terrified and even though I thought I wanted kids I kept delaying as it seemed there were limited positives to the early years.

Even when pregnant I thought I’d made a mistake as the rhetoric that your life is over is so strong and I was dreading a year off work with a screaming baby. I saw it as something to get through and then I would hopefully enjoy having an older child.

I actually now wish I’d had babies earlier and can’t believe I nearly didn’t have her. (Of course, if I hadn’t, I’m sure I’d have still had a great life!)

I know my experience isn’t universal and I’m extremely lucky, and lots of people do struggle, but AIBU to say that more people should talk about how great having children is? I spent years just hearing the negatives, and actually, for me, it’s been amazing and that never really gets spoken about?

I know a lot of people will say that the positives are inherently obvious, but for me they weren’t and I’ve been really surprised.

It probably helped I went in with very low expectations, and the negative / realistic portrayal are super important as it’s definitely not easy, but we shouldn’t hide away the positives?

I agree, OP.

I think 20 years ago there was a taboo against discussing the difficulties of motherhood- I can remember the huge fuss that Rachel Cusk's book created because she dared to talk about it honestly (of course women have always discussed it honestly in private). But that book was the start of a sea change in how motherhood is portrayed in the media- now it's almost more taboo to talk about the joy of it and the norm is to present motherhood as a sort of unbearable chaos which is only relieved when the kids are in bed and it's wine o'clock. (Of course, in private women still talk about it honestly, the good and the bad.)

I also think it's interesting that you felt you needed to point out that you're a high achiever, OP- I think there's a sense sometimes (on here as well as in the media) that women who feel fulfilled by motherhood must be a bit thick or lacking in other options. This hasn't been my experience at all, and I always feel that it's part of a fairly misogynistic tendency in society to denigrate work traditionally done by women- if you're fulfilled by motherhood you're an idiot, whereas if you're fulfilled by drafting loan agreements, say, you're obviously highly intelligent.

I think if parents went around saying how wonderful they found it, they’d be called smug and told they’re not helping.

Personally, I enjoy being a mum and I know my partner feels the same about being a dad. As babies and toddlers, I wouldn’t say our children were easy, but we still both really enjoyed that time with them. As they have got older, they have been easy, I don’t know how much of that is down to their personalities, our personalities or our parenting but they’re lovely to be around. My friends have had similar experiences to us.

I know some people genuinely struggle, but I also think some people just like to come out with clichés or try to scare others.

We were realistic about less sleep and were prepared for some changes to our life so it didn’t feel like a negative to us. We also carried on with our lives, travelling and seeing friends etc so we never felt isolated. Obviously there have been hard times but they’re a small minority, and all the positives and happiness our kids have brought us massively outweigh any hard times. For us, having kids had been amazing.

I disagree. Far better for motherhood to under promise and over deliver than for women to be sold an often unrealistic vision of bliss, which, if not forthcoming, leads to disappointment, shock and a feeling they must have failed; unmet expectations often linked with poorer maternal mental health. Tbh I don't even agree with the premis. Outside of parenting sites and straight talking conversations between women, the wider messaging about motherhood remains very idealised imo.

I think there might be an element on FTM syndrome here. I had it myself, so no judgement.

It’s very easy to get to the end of your first year of parenthood and wonder what all the fuss was about because you appear to be excelling.

However, it is important to remember that in reality you’re only 5 minutes into your parenting journey. Beyond the lack of sleep, babies are fairly easy as they do as they’re told and stay put….that doesn’t last forever and looking after 1 child is very different from juggling the needs of multiple.

Having babies is amazing. But you haven't tried to juggle this with work yet. Sickness bugs, nurseries closing, other people looking after your baby. Trying to function a full days work off 2 hours sleep. Appointments. The list is endless. Although it's very amazing and rewarding it's also hard when juggling with other things. Will you be able to always have childcare when there's things you want to go to and so on. People are best going into it not thinking its all dreamy and sweet because thats when they'll find it harder.

@Mushroo I felt similarly to you and I think your last paragraph out having low expectations going in, definitely helped!

I have a few friends who went into pregnancy / having a baby with a sunshine and rainbows attitude and they all struggled hugely. Their expectations were too high I think.

Also, I think it depends on the baby (some are very high needs and I imagine that's a whole different experience) and also some mums just take to it better than others. I didn't really think I was overly maternal, but actually I am hugely maternal - but exclusively for my own children (which is why I had no idea this side of myself existed before having children). The same could work in reverse I imagine. Thinking you're maternal but then feeling less so when you actually have kids. You just don't know until you're actually a mum.

As for are depictions of motherhood too negative? No, I don't think so. I just see mums sharing their experiences and some have better ones than others. I see plenty of 'insta perfect mums' too, so feel like there is another side that's shared. I'm glad I listened to the negative stuff though, it prepared me for a lot and also left me pleasantly surprised when I didn't encounter all of the negatives I'd heard about, or they weren't as bad as I thought.

Meh, I have teens and this is a stage that is awash with depictions of harassed mothers losing their minds with stress and, while I'm sure that they are out there, the idea that this is inevitable doesn't stand up with my own children or that of their friends. They are great fun, kind, chilled out kids.

There was a really good thread about this somewhere on here.

So this misery-washing of motherhood isn't restricted to babies.

I felt a distinct change in my enjoyment of motherhood when I had to try and balance it with working.

Maternity leave is lovely. You can focus solely on one thing. I found it less enjoyable having to focus on a job and a toddler and spreading myself poorly across both.

It's all circumstantial and everyone has different circumstances. Some more favourable which make it more enjoyable.

A sleepless night is no way near as upsetting on mat leave as it is with a 3 year old when you have to leave the house at 7:30 office ready and do a commute, work a full day and come home and do everything you normally did in one whole day between 8pm and 10pm. Enjoy your mat leave but maybe reserve some humility for the 17+ more years of parenting you have to come.

Oh give over we live in a profoundly pro-natalist society (except on mumsnet tbf where posters are constantly berated for having children in anything but the most ideal of circumstances 😆)

This

Luckily l was a SAHM and enjoyed every second of baby years.. l was so distraught when they went to school.
I relished the school holidays..
Both daughters brought me joy every minute of every day.

I find it so strange when people say this. Not one second of exhaustion with a newborn? No illnesses? Not a single cross word? No teenage irritating habits? Joy every minute of every day? I don’t know anyone like this, whether they have kids or not!

In what way do we live in a profoundly pro-natalist society? Compared to which other era or country?

I do find it interesting a lot of the ‘positive’ posts generally online tend to be ‘I love parenting, I love my kids so much’ as if those who have a more negative experience perhaps don’t love their kids as much.

Quite. It’s possible to find motherhood challenging whilst also loving your kids! Those things are not mutually exclusive. I wonder what those people are trying to prove when they have to keep telling the world how much they love their kids.

but now it’s almost as if you sing the praises of motherhood you’ll be branded smug!

That’s exactly what it’s like. You don’t even have to be raving about it. When my first was a couple of months old a friend asked how I was surviving and was it awful. She had a preschooler. I said it was going pretty well thanks and she pulled a face and said ugh. I’d had a traumatic EMCS and years of miscarriages so was anything but smug but apparently it was annoying or offensive I didn’t hate having a baby at the end of all the crapness.

Yes. Parenting my kids as teens was/is the easiest part of parenting for me. They’re good company, have lovely friends, they chat to us about everything and work hard at school/uni. They were/are nothing like the troublesome and moody ‘kevin’ types that is the cliché.

In the sense that having babies is so strongly encouraged and approved of that most people do it , often by default , and not having babies is stigmatised and often ostracising.
I didn’t mean in comparison to other countries or eras, in that sense we are generally less pronatalist I would say.

Give me teens over a newborn any day! My parenting skills definitely suited raising teens over tiny helpless babies! Mine are at university now but I still think the teens were the best for me. Not plain sailing but better than the early years.

I love being a Mum. I have a three year old and am pregnant with my second baby. I love days spent at the park, genuinely. I love making cakes and doing chores with my little boy. I love reading with him. I love talking and playing with him.

What I don’t love:

• desperately trying to breastfeed my baby and getting absolutely no support despite asking all of the right people
• the guilt of sending my child to nursery when I had to return to work after maternity leave
• the seemingly endless judgement/pressure from other Mums/parents/society for returning to work
• the constant worry that I’m not doing enough
• the struggle to keep on top of housework whilst working full time
• the worries about affording childcare
• not having family close by/no help with childcare
• trying to carve out time for myself for fitness and wellbeing

I adore parenting. My little boy is without doubt the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I’m very much looking forward to doing it all again a second time around. I don’t think our culture supports mothers very well however. Most people no longer have the “village” people once did, with lots of stay at home Mums/nans/aunties to rally round. Most of us have no choice but to return to work meaning our children go into childcare very young. It’s all of these additional pressures that make having children difficult for me, not the actual having children.

I have to add, given the choice, I’d not be a SAHM for their entire childhood. I’d have liked to spend the early years at home though and I don’t think that’s an option for a lot of us.

I am similar to you OP - high achieving professional. I put off having kids due to fears about impact on career and lifestyle. I now wish I'd done it sooner (maybe in my late 20s). I think that professional contexts attract a lot of 'type a' perfectionist personalities who find the chaos of parenthood, the undeniable trade-off that has to be made between work/homelife, and fact you have to organise your out of office life around kids for a number of years more challenging. If you're more relaxed, you're more likely to be able to roll with this, but perhaps also less likely to be a high achiever in the first place.

Are you under the impression that we either need or want to have a Unified Narrative of Motherhood in which we all participate?

Some people find it completely lovely. Some people find it completely awful. Some people find it hard but worthwhile. Some people find it easy but boring. All those narratives are out there and people hear and respond to a mixture of them, depending on their own perspective and agenda. One good thing is that saying that you don't enjoy motherhood, or regret your children, or don't want children at all, isn't as tabooed as it used to be. But why should anyone change the way they share their own experience, because of yours? For every you who went "actually, this is fine and lovely!", there's another you who went "this is worse than I thought, I wish I hadn't done it".

You enjoyed every minute of being pregnant, every second of baby years and your children brought you joy every minute of everyday?

This is completely implausible.

Tbh I think representations of motherhood have got more balanced - there's always been the 'hahaha, you'll never sleep again' voices but I think people are talking in about both the positives and negatives more.

That’s great OP, sounds like you got dealt with a good hand.

Some mothers have birth trauma, sone have significant financial stress, unsupportive partners, babies with disabilities/ higher needs, some mothers have pnd, some have to juggle work and parenting from the get- go.

it is not an even playing field

Maternity leave is a lovely bubble. Juggling a career with a baby (and actually more so with an older child) can be hard, but it totally depends on your outlook. I have 3 children and a high pressure career job. It is relentless but wonderful all at the same time. I have absolutely no time for myself but am happy with that. Everyone's experience is different.