To say portrayals of motherhood have become too negative?

[Mushroo]

Im coming to the end of my maternity leave, and it has been the best year of my life. Yes there have been hard days (and less sleep!), but overall, it’s the most content I’ve ever been. I love my LO so much, I feel like I have a real purpose and I look forward to everyday with her. It’s really been a blessing.

Now I’m not naive enough to think that it will stay like this, but so far, having a baby is by far the most rewarding and best thing I’ve ever done.

However, I very nearly didn’t have her! I’m a classic ‘high achiever’ - top uni, grad scheme, great job. All I’ve heard for years is how hard babies are, how you’ll never sleep again, it’ll ruin your body / life / freedom / career. Lots of blogs and tv shows about the relentlessness of parenting. No one really seemed to have anything positive to say.

For years and years I was terrified and even though I thought I wanted kids I kept delaying as it seemed there were limited positives to the early years.

Even when pregnant I thought I’d made a mistake as the rhetoric that your life is over is so strong and I was dreading a year off work with a screaming baby. I saw it as something to get through and then I would hopefully enjoy having an older child.

I actually now wish I’d had babies earlier and can’t believe I nearly didn’t have her. (Of course, if I hadn’t, I’m sure I’d have still had a great life!)

I know my experience isn’t universal and I’m extremely lucky, and lots of people do struggle, but AIBU to say that more people should talk about how great having children is? I spent years just hearing the negatives, and actually, for me, it’s been amazing and that never really gets spoken about?

I know a lot of people will say that the positives are inherently obvious, but for me they weren’t and I’ve been really surprised.

It probably helped I went in with very low expectations, and the negative / realistic portrayal are super important as it’s definitely not easy, but we shouldn’t hide away the positives?

Yep have the worst flu I think I ever had at the moment and try telling a 20m old why mommy has been in bed for 4 days.

NOT INTERESTED!!

I work in perinatal mental health and I would just like people to be more honest.

"Yes she is lovely and we love her dearly and we are also knackered and feel useless most of the time and I do miss my old life sometimes where I could do what I wanted whenever" It's like you're not allowed to say one side or the other - it can be both!

A bit more realism along with also acknowledging it isn't ALL crap or ALL great would help so many new parents

I think the pendulum has swung a bit. I had mine around the time the "scummy mummies" came to the limelight and I found them very refreshing, I certainly felt a lot of pressure to "enjoy every moment" and didn't feel I could voice my struggles too much, difficult with PND. But equally can see how it's perhaps gone too far the other way now, I was talking to a pregnant colleague yesterday and she was very surprised and apologetic about how she was enjoying pregnancy which seemed a bit of a shame, she has had it drilled into her that it will all be hell, at least she will have a nicer surprise than I did I suppose 😂

I remember being very ill with a cold. My daughter who was two just kept on sitting on me.!

Toddlers and even older kids have absolutely no concept of "this is not the moment".
None whatsoever.
You could be having the worst moment of your life, your best friend could have just died, you could have just lost everything you own, your husband could have left you and your whole world could be upside down and you are crying in a ball on your sofa.
A toddler will still approach you and tell you that you are George and she is Peppa and you are going on a car ride, then have a huge tantrum when you say you're not playing right now.
Their brains have simply not developed empathy. And in some ways that's much harder than the night feeds. And actually, it might be better for you to know that now rather than me telling you it's going to continue to be all bubbles and sunshine.

Telling younger women that they’re not obliged to have kids if they don’t want to isn’t “belittling” family life.

I’m the product of a woman who wasn’t told that it was OK to not have kids. Oddly enough, she didn’t transform into an earth mother who felt indescribable joy and love - she abused and neglected her children.

I’m really happy that we’re not pushing the narrative that she heard when she was young. Women should be able to choose without mums feeling like their choice is a reflection on motherhood.

I think that having a family around you when you are older is defintely one of the things that you need to consider when making the decision about whether or not to have kids.

But I agree wholeheartedly with you. I am delighted for younger women that the "marry prince charming and have his babies" narraitve is not being pushed our way as the only option any more. It's not something I want pushed my daughter's way.

I had a similar childhood expereince to you.

A lot of people seem to encourage mothers to martyr themselves. You don’t have to breastfeed, cosleep, attachment parent, become a stay at home mother, “give” your child siblings, give up your career, your relationship and every vestige of your former self. You can be an incredible mother without doing any of those things and raise a happy and healthy child in the meantime.

@Caravaggiouch just look at the holiday thread going on atm, you'd think taking a 1 week holiday without your kids put you on a par with Karen Matthews given some of the replies. I personally vouched to enjoy motherhood, which means allowing myself to be selfish sometimes. Hopefully my kids will see that and do the same too, I don't want them to think they cease to matter once they are parents.

I think that having a family around you when you are older is defintely one of the things that you need to consider when making the decision about whether or not to have kids.

I find this tricky because having kids isn’t a guarantee of this. It makes it more likely in the sense that it’s always the adult’s adult children that are expected to help out, but in plenty of cases these days the adult kids live miles and miles away and so the parent is in a similar position to the childless adult.

I also think that it’s a really selfish reason to bring kids into the world. Yes, it’s one of a number of factors but if you’re undecided and using that as the tipping factor then… it feels a bit transactional to me.

I have no relationship with my birth family and I’m single AND infertile so I guess I’m resigned to be sad and lonely. But I’m making active plans for my old age and with any luck voluntary euthanasia will be around by the time I get old.

I have to say I found it intensely boring. In the end I hired a nanny and went back to work after 12 weeks.

I also think it's interesting that you felt you needed to point out that you're a high achiever, OP- I think there's a sense sometimes (on here as well as in the media) that women who feel fulfilled by motherhood must be a bit thick or lacking in other options. This hasn't been my experience at all, and I always feel that it's part of a fairly misogynistic tendency in society to denigrate work traditionally done by women- if you're fulfilled by motherhood you're an idiot, whereas if you're fulfilled by drafting loan agreements, say, you're obviously highly intelligent.

This is so true - I've even seen it outright said on here.

I had two Velcro babies - and all three are likely ND - so not easy - struggled in school and needed a lot of support but done well in the end.

I've also been told wait till x age - well eldest is 18 and had for most part been a joy. Now get told oh it's rose tinted glasses you've forgotten what it's like.

I think quote "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" it was bloody hard work lonely and frightening at times but also at same time the best thing I ever did brought so much fun and shear joy into my life and thing I'm probably always going to be most proud of.

It's often little moments - the bonding times - that stick in minds and pure moments of bliss but many posters sneer at as small and insignificant.

It is a gamble though and not for everyone and some women really do hate it all.

I do think there's a lot of shouting down about women who do say they enjoyed it in current media/national narrative - that combined with it getting substantially financially harder it's a wonder anyone has them.

I just don’t really agree that the predominant portrayals of motherhood in our society are negative. Every female celebrity interviewed about motherhood will say it’s the best/most meaningful thing she’s ever done. Childless women in the public eye like Jennifer Aniston get pitied. There are actually very very few women in the public eye who are willing to say in so many words they didn’t want children, or they wanted other things more. I can think of Christina Hendricks and that’s about it. All the coverage of Kate Middleton is very focused on her as a mother, with the implication that it makes her likeable and relatable and valuable in a way that she wouldn’t be if she didn’t have children.

I just meant it's something to consider, in a long list of things to consider.
For me personally, I wanted to create a family that I would be able to enjoy for a long time, not just when they were kids. I want graduations, weddings, births, big family gatherings with all the kids, their partners and grandkids like my MIL had now etc etc.
I'm well aware absolutely none of this is a gaurentee

I'm pleased for you OP - although the journey is just beginning. It sounds like you have been dealt a good hand with an easy baby.

I have found the opposite, everyone told me being a mother was lovely and I heard nothing negative. It hit me like a ton of bricks. 6 years later I'm still not the same 😅 I struggled with it more than I ever imagined.
But my views are skewed as I had post partum psychosis and a difficult baby who turned into a 'spirited' child! Also had little support from partner, my side of grandparents not interested etc. This all adds up to making that first year great or hard.
I echo pp, it'such harder going to work when you have a baby than being on mat leave with one.
However it sounds like you are taking it all in your stride and hopefully things will continue to work out for you.

I feel that the portrayal in the mainstream has swung to the very negative side, yes. I recognise that this is in response to motherhood traditionally and historically being portrayed as the panacea for all women, and the desire to let women (and all parents) speak freely about the reality and how difficult it can be.

However, I do feel it's SO negative now. My wish is that there wasn't such a need to determine whether parenthood is "good" or "bad", and it could be talked about with more nuance and recognition that it's simply part of life, like any other. Parenting encompasses so much that there's no way it can be categorised correctly in such simple terms.

Not sure where your information is coming from but it sounds like a bunch of ignorant sources. That's unfortunate. If it's friends I would get a new friend circle who sees things in a more positive light

Why so rude? Maybe you should look at yourself.

i agree i'm surprised everyday how amazing it is. ive 2 kids 8 and 4.

I agree @Harara. I was on an oncology ward in my early 30s and overheard one of the nurses saying to the others “aw it’s always sadder when they have kids isn’t it?” Cue emphatic agreement.

I do think there’s still a prominent undercurrent that women who’ve had kids are more valuable than those who haven’t.

Another woman to add to your list of positive childfree celebs is Helen Mirren.

I feel the same OP. The negative portrayals really got to me, but I've absolutely loved maternity leave. Slightly dreading balancing work with motherhood but still wouldn't change it for the world.

@fitzwilliamdarcy I think that's said due to the impact on the children rather than the fact the mother's life is inherently worth more. We've all seen enough Disney films to know growing up without a mother is a huge loss to a child. I'm sure my death would be seen as sadder now than it would have been 10+ years ago before I had children, or 10+ years from now when my children are independent adults.

Really good to hear lots of views! It seems very much as though expectations are heavily influenced by people’s exposure to children and their circle of friends.

Our lifestyle pre baby was very much work hard play hard - long hours, lots of holidays, boozy Thursday nights with colleagues, weekends in fancy restaurants and pubs.

I’d never really encountered any babies (first in my immediate family to have one) and lots of my friends are very much of the view that they don’t want kids, and why would you want to ruin your life by doing so. I almost felt a bit odd by wanting to kids - that was going against the grain in my friendship group. (The ones that do have kids don’t bring them to socialise as we always did so in the pub!)

I can see how the opposite might be the case if your friend group is more settled and lots of people are having kids and feel pressure to do the same.

Going back to work and dealing with nursery will definitely be a challenge, but I’m hoping I’ll still enjoy it.

I think I was prompted to post when she was napping this morning and I just felt so happy, and I think back to how I very nearly was put off having her at all!

(the earlier post about being fulfilled by drafting loan agreements made me laugh, as I head back into contract law in a couple of weeks 😩)

Agree it's often extreme views, whereas a lot of people are actually in the middle but maybe their blog isn't as interesting. In my case I enjoyed parenting but had quite a lot of challenges. I've never identified with the mums who are very negative though. I felt like a marathon runner- it's tough but somehow I still like it and want to keep going.

I had the same experience as you OP. High achiever/ high earner and left it as ‘late as possible’ as I thought life would be over. I wonder if it was because my friends/ family perceived that I’d be giving up so much free time/ disposable income/ nights out/ expensive holidays and ‘high flying career’.

Yup, all those things changed but it’s brilliant and I love being a mum, despite the challenges (currently dealing with toddler - from - hell stage!).
All I heard was how awful motherhood was and all the sacrifices I’d make and how I would never be able to do xyz again.

My career hasn’t suffered and I wouldn’t care too much if it had as I’m less bothered about it now, work is a way to support my family.

Im 40 now and I have a few friends who are now thinking about children or struggling to conceive because they were following the narrative of being career focused or ‘free and single’. It’s creating a lot of heartache.