To say portrayals of motherhood have become too negative?

[Mushroo]

Im coming to the end of my maternity leave, and it has been the best year of my life. Yes there have been hard days (and less sleep!), but overall, it’s the most content I’ve ever been. I love my LO so much, I feel like I have a real purpose and I look forward to everyday with her. It’s really been a blessing.

Now I’m not naive enough to think that it will stay like this, but so far, having a baby is by far the most rewarding and best thing I’ve ever done.

However, I very nearly didn’t have her! I’m a classic ‘high achiever’ - top uni, grad scheme, great job. All I’ve heard for years is how hard babies are, how you’ll never sleep again, it’ll ruin your body / life / freedom / career. Lots of blogs and tv shows about the relentlessness of parenting. No one really seemed to have anything positive to say.

For years and years I was terrified and even though I thought I wanted kids I kept delaying as it seemed there were limited positives to the early years.

Even when pregnant I thought I’d made a mistake as the rhetoric that your life is over is so strong and I was dreading a year off work with a screaming baby. I saw it as something to get through and then I would hopefully enjoy having an older child.

I actually now wish I’d had babies earlier and can’t believe I nearly didn’t have her. (Of course, if I hadn’t, I’m sure I’d have still had a great life!)

I know my experience isn’t universal and I’m extremely lucky, and lots of people do struggle, but AIBU to say that more people should talk about how great having children is? I spent years just hearing the negatives, and actually, for me, it’s been amazing and that never really gets spoken about?

I know a lot of people will say that the positives are inherently obvious, but for me they weren’t and I’ve been really surprised.

It probably helped I went in with very low expectations, and the negative / realistic portrayal are super important as it’s definitely not easy, but we shouldn’t hide away the positives?

It's like a runner saying ' I don't know why people say marathons are difficult,I've ran the first 400m and Its been easy so far'

You, and the op, put it off because you are also perfectionists! You felt like you needed to be in control and parenthood would rob you of that. You can’t blame other people for this. You both latched on to the messaging that made sense for you. There are other motherhood narratives out there but you weren’t predisposed to pay attention to them.

Yes, particularly on MN! Having a baby is a nightmare of exhaustion, toddlers are a nightmare of tantrums, teens (especially girls) are a nightmare, full stop.

I never found any of it a nightmare - of course babies and toddlers can be very tiring, not to mention worrying when they’re ill, but they do usually bring a lot of joy, too.

And our teen dds were never difficult or obnoxious.

I do realise that mothers who dont* have much in the way of problems are a lot less likely to post, but I do think MN can give a very skewed view.

My youngest is a teen, oldest an adult. I’ve found it easy and enjoyable and maybe OP will too.

I hate these sort of ‘just you wait’ comments. I did have that from a relative of mine, like he couldn’t wait for it to all go wrong. It hasn’t. I feel for people who find it hard for any reason, but not everyone does.

So true!!

My maternity leave was defo the best year of my life, I also wished I had done it sooner.

I’m career focused too, worked very long hours in my career, worked super hard (16 hour days) lots of travel etc, I wonder if this made maternity leave feel so great?

are you having more? Sadly I couldn’t (too old)

Quite, my kids are young adults and I agree with OP too.

MN is where I finally encountered people being honest about how motherhood is far from a bed of roses. I'm grateful to those people for helping me decide to remain child-free.

I couldn’t have children. I’m grateful to those people for helping me see that I could still have a great life without them.

I am very much in agreement with the OP - motherhood can be wonderful. I have loved all of it ( eldest nearly 30)

I agree about the low expectations, I spent the early months wondering when the awfulness was going to kick in, the stuff I kept being told about, my life being ruined, etc. it never did. And I was a single mum from day 1.

I do think though, that some women dont enjoy motherhood, and if has to be your top priority if you are doing it, and to have a top priority in your life that you don't like must be very hard. And being unwanted is the worst possible thing for a child.

I feel like crying when I read posts on MN from separated parents who want less time with their children, and the other parent to do more. It is very sad indeed.

Just because you don't enjoy motherhood doesn't mean you don't want your child.

no, but there is a correlation. And there are posts on here every day from separated parents who want to be with their child for less time, and want the other parent to have the child more

I feel like you went in expecting the worst so it's been easier to take the lows and enjoy the highs. But I will say, you gave a small baby and haven't gone back to work yet so your feelings may change when you return to work or have another. You may have it plain sailing but you may not (I hope you do). I would think about who projected the negative image to you, was it mother's in the thick of a couple of kids trying to juggle full time job, no support and sheer mum guilt? I mostly had people say positive things about motherhood but with a realistic spin, but noone could have prepared me for PND, juggling childcare, sick kids and fighting over who will have to stay off work, pick ups, feeling like your work is suffering, etc. For so long we have been expected to have it all, full time job, kids, manage the home and I think there are so many many burnt out people that that's where the negativity comes from. I'm happy people are being more realistic about how life is for most women now because it's us who take the brunt

FWIW i felt exactly the same OP. Loved mat leave, loved babies, loved the whole mum thing which I had not expected - I also though it was a suck it up thing for the sake of having a family that i would aporeciate when older. I even had another the following year.

I am not overly vocal about it, as i know there are a lot of reasons people do not feel this way and I have been lucky.

But you are getting a lot of "just you wait" in here, which i personally hate. I feel like people like saying that from the moment you get pregnant! I'm 7 years in now and I still get it about teens. And yes they may be horrors! Past performance is not an indicator of future and all that. But so far I still love it

I feel like motherhood is completely glamourised and we're all led to believe its our life's purpose. I'm happy for all of the women younger than me who are waking up to the fact that they don't have to have kids and they don't have to settle into a marriage and that our worth is a lot more than we've previously been led to believe.

I wish it had been more acceptable to not follow the one true set path for women back in the day - my mum hated every waking minute of being a mum but still went on to have multiple children because it’s “what you do”.

People who decide not to have kids because it looks, frankly, like a shit time are still interrogated and treated with surprise, so I don’t think it’s true that everyone sees it as relentless negativity. The parents I meet are constantly telling me that I won’t know love or joy unless I do it, that I’ll be incomplete, that it’s the best thing they ever did etc etc etc. Maybe they only do that to the childless and then once you join them they switch the script, I don’t know.

I think the early days are very hard on many mums for a combination of reasons- harder births due to older first time mums, loads of babies exposed to antibiotics during labour or caesarean births means that babies have poor gut health and therefore colic and reflux etc, plus so many people doing it alone without support from extended family.

It must be a totally different experience for people with easy healthy babies and help from their parents. I don't know many people who had that set up though.

I'm happy for all of the women younger than me who are waking up to the fact that they don't have to have kids completely disagree. I think it’s incredibly sad how we have led younger generations to almost belittle family life. I think many (women) will feel it when they get older and realise the importance of family, connection etc. once it’s too late.

yes having children is incredibly hard but the joy and love is indescribable and often gets overlooked

I never considered not having a child but like you all i heard was you'll not sleep/have any you time/holidays etc etc, never got told the lovely side of it.
Perhaps i got very lucky but she slept really well from early on, she's 7 now and i've not had a 'difficult' stage with her, yes there have been tough days but she's an amazing kid and my whole world, i love being with her and she's made my life better. I enjoy being her mum.
We do get adult time as she goes to bed at 7:45 plus we take it in turns to go out with friends for nights out. We go for meals as a couple when she's on a playdate.
Holidays haven't changed at all as she's grown up going for hikes, going to ancient sites etc and enjoys them, we do a mix of those days and pool days. Only change is i now have to look for a hotel with a slide pool 😂
Again i full accept i may have gotten lucky.
I think people need to hear both sides.

I went in to motherhood with realistic expectations, I had lots of experience with babies before that. Motherhood has massively surpassed my expectations. Like you I loved maternity leave- it was the best distinct period of my life so far.

My dd is now a teen and I've continued to love the journey, though again realistic that the teenage years can be very difficult. She was a very easy going child, never a tantrum etc. we have an amazing bond.

I couldn't have any more dc (needed ivf to have my dd), but i made peace with that and in hindsight having an only is a huge blessing and is underrated. I've never lost my identity, my career has flourished, we've had many family adventures etc.

If you love having one dc think very carefully about having more. From what I've witnessed (in hundreds of families) 2 or more is a very different experience.

Actually the desire for children has remained more or less static. More women delay and abstain from motherhood because developing enough resources to make a financially secure environment for children is increasingly hard. It's not a behaviour shift that speaks of empowerment.

I mean I am counting down the days until my two year starts nursery (he has a speech delay so needs it) plus I get some time to myself. It doesn't mean I don't want him though. Just not enjoying it very much at the minute.

This is the part I wished I have known

I loved maternity leave, had a relatively chill baby - even though he didn't sleep. We got out and about every day and had a great time.

Parenting a very active toddler is totally different! Still love him with every fibre of my being but it's bloody tough going some days! x

I think having children with a supportive partner when you have the basics (stable housing, ability to support yourself, ready to put them first, good health and medical care) is a really wonderful life experience. Truly joyful and surprisingly good fun.

However, for lots of women with all that in place, the bump towards the societal expectations/experience of mental load, default parent, the endless wiping and work writing you off after maternity and just fitting in the logistics is bloody hard and horrible. And I'm glad more people speak about it. I found it easy to balance until school started with nursery and flexi work. And I was fairly senior and had earned that flexibility but was surprised at how quickly my husband progressed after children and how I didn't especially as I'm more career focussed.

Plus I know I'm a much better parent at 30 than I would be at 20. It'll be different for others but I'm glad I waited.

one thing that gets to me is the look of almost disgust or pity or “omg you’re such a basic bitch, having a child’ that some women who don’t want and haven’t had children give me.

The "negative" portrayal of motherhood is popular for a reason. The reason being, it was portrayed as magical and amazing for years and years and lots of people are heartily sick of that ideal being shoved down their throats.

Noone talked about the difficult side for fear of being labelled a bad mum, or weak, or unloving. Women were expected to be sweet gentle-natured homemakers in frilly aprons, serving up delicious meals for hardworking husbands.

Now we are starting to talk about the realities without fear of judgement because we know so many are going through the same thing. We know the 1950s model wasn't sustainable and that our grandmothers were popping pills just to get through their days. And if we don't want to go back to that, or at least if we want a choice to not go back to that, we need to keep being real. It's much healthier.

And others being real about their experiences will not change the fact that you are having a postivie experience.