To say portrayals of motherhood have become too negative?

[Mushroo]

Im coming to the end of my maternity leave, and it has been the best year of my life. Yes there have been hard days (and less sleep!), but overall, it’s the most content I’ve ever been. I love my LO so much, I feel like I have a real purpose and I look forward to everyday with her. It’s really been a blessing.

Now I’m not naive enough to think that it will stay like this, but so far, having a baby is by far the most rewarding and best thing I’ve ever done.

However, I very nearly didn’t have her! I’m a classic ‘high achiever’ - top uni, grad scheme, great job. All I’ve heard for years is how hard babies are, how you’ll never sleep again, it’ll ruin your body / life / freedom / career. Lots of blogs and tv shows about the relentlessness of parenting. No one really seemed to have anything positive to say.

For years and years I was terrified and even though I thought I wanted kids I kept delaying as it seemed there were limited positives to the early years.

Even when pregnant I thought I’d made a mistake as the rhetoric that your life is over is so strong and I was dreading a year off work with a screaming baby. I saw it as something to get through and then I would hopefully enjoy having an older child.

I actually now wish I’d had babies earlier and can’t believe I nearly didn’t have her. (Of course, if I hadn’t, I’m sure I’d have still had a great life!)

I know my experience isn’t universal and I’m extremely lucky, and lots of people do struggle, but AIBU to say that more people should talk about how great having children is? I spent years just hearing the negatives, and actually, for me, it’s been amazing and that never really gets spoken about?

I know a lot of people will say that the positives are inherently obvious, but for me they weren’t and I’ve been really surprised.

It probably helped I went in with very low expectations, and the negative / realistic portrayal are super important as it’s definitely not easy, but we shouldn’t hide away the positives?

I agree with you. I come from a culture where children are a blessing so I’ve approached parenthood with open arms but there must be a reason why birth rates are low and people are waiting until they are much older. There is a narrative to wait, freeze your eggs, live your life then have children.

I had my first young and was the first in my friendship group, and something I’ve noticed is that most childless people don’t really want to hear about parenthood - I’m pretty open about the ups and down. The odd person does - but I save my parenting chat for parents because I always feel like I’m boring child-free people - and there are other things to talk about.

A few of my friends have become parents over the years and they tend to be surprised at what parenting feels like or that they have joined a “parenting club” where others with kids are more open to talk about etc.

I also know a few people that don’t love parenting very much. I also know childless people who dream of the day they have children with a fairy tale view of it all. There are a spectrum of people but overall I think parenting - particularly motherhood - has “bad press”.

How old are you OP? I had the exact opposite experience. Everyone telling me it would be amazing, best thing ever, life changing, personality altering experience. And when it happened it was fine, DC is amazing and I even enjoy being a parent but I don't love being a mother anywhere near as much as I expected to and it fills me with guilt and sadness. I would have been much better off without all the propaganda on how much I'd love it. I might have been content with enjoying motherhood a normal amount and not feeling like a failure because maternity leave wasn't the best part of my life.

I don't agree that motherhood is being portrayed negatively. I think it is realism. It is not the most "natural thing in the world" and you're going to "love your baby from the moment they are born". For some it will be like that, sure, but that being the message for so long damaged so many women when it wasn't like that for them. It's much better going into thinking it's going to be hard, then being pleasantly surprised when you got an easy baby, than going in thinking you're going to be a natural mother with an instant bond, then finding out nothing you do will make your baby sleep for more than 2 hours for the next 2 years. And OP your baby is still little. You've pretty much been in a bubble for the last year. You have no idea what is ahead of you.

I think it's because if you're struggling in life for whatever reason, having kids on top could feel like too much so you blame motherhood.

I absolutely adore being a mum!

I had mine at 32, 34 and 39 and can honestly say I completely agree with you. My MAT leave (9 m and 2 x 12 months were equally amazing but I was blessed with v easy babies ..

I also broke ALL the MN rules and had parents PIL and siblings round as soon as humanly possible. Handed them over for cuddles (and kisses 😱) on day 1 and could never have too much 'interference' from both sets of parents .. which meant hopping off with DH for the odd weekend to be a couple was a piece of cake.. so did it often from 3 m old .. made the whole thing hugely enjoyable..

Mmm. I'm a "high achiever" too and found maternity leave mind-numbingly awful and working part time for the preschool years (on very little sleep) to be the worst of both worlds.
Now I'm part time and DS is at school I'm having a (comparatively) lovely time. Sometimes 0-5 is just something to get through, especially without nearby family.

I think portrayals of motherhood are now more accurate.

For example, in the past there was little discussion of birth injuries or the risk to the mother's health. Women were just supposed to glow through pregnancy and magically produce a baby like a rabbit out of a hat.

There is more discussion of the mental health risks, depression and psychosis. There is much more discussion about the boredom & loneliness of maternity leave.

And there is much more discussion about the issues related to the deterioration of relationships, about how abuse often starts during or immediately after pregnancy.

OP, I realise you are having a lovely time, and that's good, but I'd say things are pretty accurately portrayed. I had a dream pregnancy, no issues at all, wasn't nauseous once. A medium difficult birth, a very lonely maternity leave and was then 'made redundant' first morning back to work. Then the stress of a tribunal and the collapse of my relationship.

Once I'd got through all of that, found another job, found a flat and a child minder, actually raising DS has been easy, even as a lone mum. He has always been an easy child.

Experiences vary wildly. I think you've just been fortunate.

I agree OP! I found that all I heard was the lack of sleep, the crying, the mess, the cost etc etc. I haven't long finished my maternity leave, but like you, it's the most content I've ever been in my life and I loved every second of it. If I If afford to, I'd have a few years off work until my DC starts school.

I am very lucky in that my DC has been particularly easy - so content, sleeps well etc. But we have had challenging times, obviously.

Good luck with your return to work - make the most of the time you've got left!

I'm not a family person and family relationships (outside of my parents) aren't particularly important to me interesting, I think one of the reason my friends are complacent about children is because they have active engaged parents, I was made an orphan at 20 and so know what not having that safety net is like. Whenever someone on MN has an issue, be it an ex, money, housing etc, people enquire about family. It’s a lonely life without one!

I think the expectations on motherhood have grown rapidly, therefore leading to more widespread negative experiences.

Much harder than night feeds, agree.

I have a similar background. Put it off until I didn't want to risk fertility issues (will be 34 when DD is born). I've basically only heard negstive things- particularly from my DM. It's like you'll love her but you'll not sleep for 5 years and won't be able to function.
Love hearing that you've had such a great experience as I'm so worried about it!

Now this is very interesting. I think I agree. There is even a marked difference from when I was a small child (I'm nearly 30 now) and parenting today. When I was growing up, it was much more normal for a whole summer to be spent playing out in the neighbourhood. Nowadays, it seems that parents (mothers, particularly) are expected to schedule and provide "activities" at all times for their children, or else they're doing it wrong, wasting time, not taking every opportunity to "teach" or entertain their kids. The pressure seems huge.

That's just one example and I think there are many, and across all different aspects of parenthood.

It is much more widely understood nowadays about the effects that different parenting styles can have on children, and how family and household dynamics influence how a child develops and grows emotionally. That is a good thing I think, and hopefully will result in better mental health for future generations, BUT, it's not as if parents are actually always supported to give their kids the very best childhood possible, or even a safe one. This combination creates enormous pressure.

I feel (and I wasn't there, so I could be wrong) that expectations on mothers in the past were less... complex maybe? Undoubtedly women were oppressed more in the past (and we still are), so I don't mean to say things were better or easier overall, but that in terms of motherhood, there were less complex expectations on psychological, emotional, developmental and recreational aspects of child raising. It seemed it was more keep them warm, fed, clothed and happy.

All I ever heard was what hard work it is, how you will never sleep, and similar.
I remember meeting a friend about 8 weeks in who had a baby about the same time as me and we both said it was way easier than people had said.
I now realise the people going on about how hard it is tend to be unhappy with being a mother and mostly regret it. So they resent any work involved.

At eight weeks some poor sods are hitting peak colic and it isn't a reflection of your skill or contentment at being a parent for the long term if you are finding that hard going at the outset. Like I say, my eldest is almost an adult now and I've never had to plumb the depths of patience and serenity I did to continue to soothe a tiny baby in his third hour of crying ever since. And I've found the rest of it, with two further children, a bloody breeze in comparison.

@tattygrl it is not possible to give a child the best childhood ever. Just as it is not possible for me to live the best live ever. I did not try to do that. Just bring them up to be reasonable people and give them some fun times.

Yanbu but I think I only agree because I have a very easy baby. If she wasn’t so easy I’d probably disagree.

Im about 4 months in to my maternity leave and having my baby has definitely brought me a sense of calm and is definitely rewarding. But… I know a lot of it is because I have a baby who sleeps and only cries for food.

Exactly this! Even my own parents were putting me off.

But yes it’s been great (so far!). I had a difficult birth (4 day long induction and emergency c section) and feeding issues (undiagnosed tongue tie for weeks) but despite that rocky start it’s been amazing.

Don’t get me wrong, there have been awful days, but zero regrets and she makes my heart so full. I sit looking at photos of her when she’s asleep 😂 best decision I’ve made.

I feel it's the opposite. DH and I couldn't believe how difficult it was (still is) and that this is not bigger news 😅
I had my first in covid and looked forward to mat with second, going to baby groups and lunches with other mums etc. but Dd2 has been incredibly difficult, and I'm just surviving through the days unable to make plans as she's so unpredictable.

@Mushroo On the contrary, I believe motherhood has been much too glorified, to the detriment of all. Those who enjoy motherhood are perhaps the majority, but we should want to hear honest accounts from women who don’t find motherhood easy, or who were happier before having children, or who don’t enjoy motherhood at all, or perhaps even made a mistake by having children. Because there are many.

I’m surrounded by elderly neighbours. The ones with children and grandchildren all live in different cities and countries to them and see them every couple of months at most. The 85 year old who never married and has no children or living family has a total abundance of local friends who completely rallied around to care for her when she recently had cancer treatment. If anyone is sad and lonely it’s the ones with children. You’re right that it’s never a given.

I know it's not fashionable to say these days, but for me, motherhood has been (and continues to be) the most fulfilling thing I have ever done.

It is fashionable. Literally every celebrity interview about motherhood says exactly this. I’ve also seen it all over MN, despite some claims that MN only reflects the negative side of parenting. I can’t really believe you’re trying to claim this as some kind of subversive take. It’s pretty much the standard thing to say about motherhood, and that’s fine.

All those posters who thought they would have long lazy days while the baby slept - had you looked after babies before your own?
I had a lot to do with babies and children before having my own. I kept getting told it is so much harder when it is your own. While it is true there is more responsibility and you can't quit, you also do not have to negotiate how you look after your child with the actual mother. It felt far more freeing than caring for someone else's child.

I was primarily thinking of the expectation (and necessity) for women to now be everything – career women, home educators, school event volunteerers/spectators, housekeepers … the list goes on. But you’re right, I was just saying to my DH last week how when I was young (mid 30s) there were never all of these extra activities and clubs outside of school. I think I went ballet when I was very little and then took piano from 10, but my mum was a SAHM, and I certainly had stretches of years where me and all my friends did nothing except school and playing in the garden/street.

We also didn’t have homework at primary school and my parents, although they read to me, did not have me read to them. And I can’t can’t the number of school plays, fetes, fundraisers, volunteer days for forest school, reading and school trips I’ve attended (and had to turn down) and my kids are only in yr1. And I work full time too AND have them home from 3:30 twice a week because we can’t afford the the childcare.

It's not an even playing field. Some people have more challenging circumstances than others, from conception to independent adults. Before that if you include the baggage of prior trauma.

I absolutely love my DCs but they've rarely gone down the simplest path. Pregnancies and births were tougher than average. BFing went ok, but they were bottle refusers and one had CMPA and other allergies. Both are dyslexic, and one has other neurodiversities which with our family set-up and lack of wider support has cost my career. There were two years of significant disruption from Covid measures. Health issues some of which are ongoing. Much, much tougher lives are avaliable, but I'm glad that we are in an era when we don't have to gloss over the difficulties and pretend that it's all totally wonderful. Toxic positivity piles additional pressure onto people who don't find it all easy for whatever reason.

I agree with the PPs who say that parenting, and let's face it, it is motherhood is more pressured than ever. People have less experience of young children as family size declines. You can't stick baby in the pram down the garden to cry it out. Discipline/ consequences requires more emotional intelligence than when smacking was widely accepted. Children are directly supervised by parents far more. Educational expectations and skills are far higher. Children are kept younger and more dependent for far longer. I'm not advocating a return to 50 years ago, but there is an emotional cost to that shift of expectations. Meanwhile mothers are expected to maintain careers and financial strength, but expectations of fathers or external influences like employers haven't universally kept up to facilitate that.

It's great when things go well, but people shouldn't have to put up and shut up if it's not.

The analogy of a lovely 1st year on mat leave being like the first 400m of a marathon was spot on. There are different phases that suit different parents and children. RTW can really complicate life. Siblings throw in curveballs. Year 1 out of 18+ is very early to state that others are being too negative about it, because there is a lot of change ahead and there are no guarentees about how that will unfold.