To say portrayals of motherhood have become too negative?

[Mushroo]

Im coming to the end of my maternity leave, and it has been the best year of my life. Yes there have been hard days (and less sleep!), but overall, it’s the most content I’ve ever been. I love my LO so much, I feel like I have a real purpose and I look forward to everyday with her. It’s really been a blessing.

Now I’m not naive enough to think that it will stay like this, but so far, having a baby is by far the most rewarding and best thing I’ve ever done.

However, I very nearly didn’t have her! I’m a classic ‘high achiever’ - top uni, grad scheme, great job. All I’ve heard for years is how hard babies are, how you’ll never sleep again, it’ll ruin your body / life / freedom / career. Lots of blogs and tv shows about the relentlessness of parenting. No one really seemed to have anything positive to say.

For years and years I was terrified and even though I thought I wanted kids I kept delaying as it seemed there were limited positives to the early years.

Even when pregnant I thought I’d made a mistake as the rhetoric that your life is over is so strong and I was dreading a year off work with a screaming baby. I saw it as something to get through and then I would hopefully enjoy having an older child.

I actually now wish I’d had babies earlier and can’t believe I nearly didn’t have her. (Of course, if I hadn’t, I’m sure I’d have still had a great life!)

I know my experience isn’t universal and I’m extremely lucky, and lots of people do struggle, but AIBU to say that more people should talk about how great having children is? I spent years just hearing the negatives, and actually, for me, it’s been amazing and that never really gets spoken about?

I know a lot of people will say that the positives are inherently obvious, but for me they weren’t and I’ve been really surprised.

It probably helped I went in with very low expectations, and the negative / realistic portrayal are super important as it’s definitely not easy, but we shouldn’t hide away the positives?

I feel the opposite. I think in general motherhood to me was portrayed as something inherently natural, you’d have this innate mothering gene and spend days staring at the baby sleeping or feeding. My maternity leave would be spent having lazy hazy summer picnics, or sitting in cafes with other mums staring lovingly at their children.

In reality I found it incredibly boring! I thought I was doing it wrong, or wasn’t a natural mother. I started to enjoy it more when they came up to their first birthday and I went back to work. They’re now 2.5 and I love it, we can chat and play etc.

I really didn’t enjoy the first bit and when I read other’s similar experiences it really helped me and made me feel less abnormal!

I think going in with low expectations is probably sensible. And it sounds like you've had an easy baby (or at least a baby you've found OK to deal with) which as helped. Maybe you'll find another age harder, maybe you've got a lovely even tempered child who will be like that throughout life.

Having children can be very rewarding which is why people keep on doing it. Personally I found my first maternity leave hard work and very isolating, I really enjoyed my second (very easy baby) but found my third harder again (premature baby, health issues) but I now have lovely teenagers and it was definitely worth all the hard work at the beginning.

Who did you hear this from? Before I had DC I heard the negatives from friends but also that it was the best thing they’d ever done; there wasn’t an overly negative portrayal from my view. I didn’t engage with the instagram mum accounts as I didn’t even know about them as someone without kids and I don’t think i would have been interested.
On munsnet there is but that’s because people come on here when they’re struggling and finding it hard so it’s going to be skewed.

I think you need to take a look at who you surround yourself with!

And also, maybe stop believing everything you hear. You sound quite gullible. Had you never spent any time either babies or young children previously?

Glad I read this as someone who’s pregnant now. I do think it’s mostly negative on here. But I suppose like with anything, the ones enjoying it and loving every single second probably aren’t the ones spending large amounts of time on here.

I think people like to share their misery and they over exaggerate their tales to suit their means.

When my friend was pregnant, I shared with her that the natural births I had were fine. Yeah, painful etc but overall fine. No drama, no trauma. The look of relief on her face was immense. All she'd been getting were horror stories and warnings of tears, breach births, emergency sections and wayward midwives.

I understand some women do have traumatic labours but I can't fathom why you'd share the ins & outs with a nervous first-timer. I presume the same goes for how hard it is raising children and all that. Yeah, it's not a walk in the park but for most, it's overall fine. Good days and bad days but rarely hideously traumatic.

By telling people how hard everything is, they're awarding themselves medals for...well, living.

I can absolutely see where you are coming from as I find it quite awkward at times when people are moaning about parenting and I just don’t feel like I can join in as I love parenting. However the first year was utter hell (high needs baby) and most people I know found it much harder than they expected and knowing that others were struggling too was a comfort. I think you have been very lucky to enjoy maternity leave so much which is great.

I do tell people now how amazing parenting is and I provide new parents with comfort if they are struggling.

I thought this read like a sort of politics post encouraging people to have babies because the birth rate is dropping 😂

I’m a SAHM and pregnant with no.3. I love it and always wanted a big family. Like PP, I wasn’t aware of any negativity pre-kids because I didn’t seek out mumfluencers/ mumsnet/ parenting related articles etc.

However, I do think it’s good that people are openly discussing the realities of parenthood because I don’t think it’s for everyone. You only have to look at the threads on here, where people say if they could have their time again, then wouldn’t have had children or had fewer.

I think a lot of the negativity is about showing solidarity and empathy to those who are struggling. Which can only be a good thing.

I think it’s important for people to share their personal experiences, whether they’re negative or positive

I feel with the Internet and " experts" on podcasts and TV and every celebrity is now making programmes as if they are the first women to have children.
I enjoyed every minute of being pregnant. Luckily l was a SAHM and enjoyed every second of baby years.. l was so distraught when they went to school.
I relished the school holidays..
Both daughters brought me joy every minute of every day.
I was very hands on..as they grew older we did crafts and baking and days out..
They are now 40 and 32 and l still cherish them..

I think it's important for new mothers to go into with their eyes open. Better to be pleasantly surprised than unpleasantly.

It’s really great to hear you’ve had such a positive experience on maternity leave and will be lovely for the mums to be out there to read this :)

I think experiences of maternity leave can depend on soooo many factors - emotional intelligence, resilience, how supportive your partner is, whether baby sleeps, birth trauma, your mental health after birth, your financial situation, wider family support, your own upbringing and experiences of being parented (your blueprint in essence), your attachment style, past trauma, housing etc. Not least how easily settled your baby is.

For some people having a child also brings lots of issues up that they weren’t necessarily aware of pre kids. Such as lack of emotional support from their partner, issues from their own childhood etc. which I guess can make mat leave quite isolating and an unhappy time for them.

I felt exactly like you at this stage. High achiever/ put off babies/ very low expectations and loved my maternity leave. I remember saying to a doctor that I thought I was doing something wrong because it was all so easy and enjoyable.

However….. I then had another baby, and the first one was a toddler, then I became a SAHM for a period. The 2 years that followed were amongst the worst years of my life. I find parenting a toddler impossible, and parenting a toddler PLUS baby awful. How I survived it, I do not know. Now my kids are secondary age. The golden time of parenthood for me was definitely the first year with one baby. Since then… not so much. My advice is get those expectations back to low again!

I am like you were OP before children! All I hear are negative portrayals of motherhood. But a couple of my friends have had babies in the past year and all are loving it and had relatively nice labours.

I’m glad that it is socially acceptable to talk about the struggles of parenting but now it’s almost as if you sing the praises of motherhood you’ll be branded smug!

I think it's important to be realistic about the fact that everyone's experience of motherhood is different.

I have had a great experience of motherhood, but I have a husband who pulls his weight, no real money worries, and cheap, high quality childcare. I have a job which is well paid but rarely requires me to work long hours, and if I do have to work late or travel, my husband is there to pick up the slack. My in laws live close by and are also available to help. I recovered well from both births and didn't have postpartum depression.

Even with all that, having kids is hard. The sleep deprivation is hard. The endless laundry is hard. We no longer have the freedom to go out for the evening whenever we want, or go on grown up holidays. Everything kind of revolves around our kids at the moment.

I think you have to really want it. I admire the people I know who have decided that having kids is not for them and have refused to bow to the social pressure to become parents.

For people who have kids because they think it's what they're supposed to do but later regret it, or who struggle financially, or who have no support from either the other parent or the wider family, or who have terrible birth trauma or postpartum depression, I imagine the reality of motherhood is not the same as mine or yours.

I don’t think it’s the smug aspect that bothers people - more the black and white, narrow minded, lack of empathy perspective of “well I don’t understand why people find it so hard”. When there’s so many factors that contribute to how someone copes with having a baby.

I get it @Mushroo - I posted on here not long ago about the positives to having children as I’d got myself spooked by so many memoirs I’d read when I was going through fertility treatment etc. I had some really helpful posts that pointed out that a ‘I had a baby and it was absolutely fine’ book isn’t going to shift many copies and that people who are generally fine aren’t going to be starting mumsnet threads (same as why there are so many posts on here about MILs when in real life I only know a handful of friends who have had problems, massively outnumbered by those with no issues or who’s main issue is their own mother).

It’s easy to say it depends who you surround yourselves with but when you’re one of the first in your group to have a baby that can be difficult. Plus it’s part of the human condition to commiserate/moan together as part of creating shared bonds - turning round and saying actually I’ve really enjoyed my maternity leave etc isn’t always appropriate within the conversation. I think it’s great that the negatives are spoken about more freely and there’s a hopefully a culture of more support and understanding but I think it’s important to acknowledge that everyone has their own experience - positive, ambivalent or negative.

Well, my babies were a colicky, sleepless nightmare but I do agree that the common depictions of motherhood have swung from serene romaticisations of contentment to embittered, overworked husks of resentment.

I actually think it's the opposite - all I heard back in the day was 'it's the best thing you'll ever do', 'it's life-changing in a good way', 'the sleepless nights aren't around for long', 'it will make your relationship even stronger' etc, etc. However, what I saw with my own two eyes was my mum friends worn out, irritable, unhappy, bickering with their partners and ultimately splitting up.

So what I SAW of parenting was anything but 'positive'. MN is where I finally encountered people being honest about how motherhood is far from a bed of roses. I'm grateful to those people for helping me decide to remain child-free.

I'm glad it has been a positive experience for you and many others on the thread.

I've had some lovely moments with my two, really sweet and the hugs are amazing. But the experience of parenting my child with special needs in particular has been gruelling at some points. And he only has mild special needs. I don't think many parents could hand on heart say they enjoy parenting a baby with colic, or find themselves content sitting with them in hospital time after time and having to navigate the NHS system.

Everyone has their own experience, some people do find it negative. There’s nothing wrong with that. Each parent has their own support system, or lack of one, their own financial situation and also you can’t choose what baby/child you get. These things all impact on the parenthood experience.

I do find it interesting a lot of the ‘positive’ posts generally online tend to be ‘I love parenting, I love my kids so much’ as if those who have a more negative experience perhaps don’t love their kids as much.

Love that you've posted this, I feel exactly the same and my baby is 1 on Saturday.
I remember feeling so anxious and sick that I had ruined my life when I was pregnant and there was no going back.
My little girl was definitely not an easy baby (bad reflux, would never sleep in her cot etc.) but this has been the best and most fulfilling time of my life whereas previously I was all about my career. I do think people mostly talk about the negatives to "prepare" you or bond but it did make me feel like a pariah for not finding all the "mummy" stuff boring or mundane and actually enjoying it all.

Its just that the views are always very extreme. Depending on who you ask its either all rainbows and sunshine or absolutely terrible because kids ruin everything.
One of my best friends had her first baby 2 years ago. Mine are 8 and 10 now. She keeps saying how i prepared her perfectly, because when i told her stories half of them were really sweet and funny and about how amazing motherhood is and why. The other half was about the really hard, annoying, boring stuff.
She said there was such a balance and obviously for me the good outweighs the bad a million times, but its important to share both sides. No children are perfect and every family struggles sometimes.