To just not accept "oops" any more?

[PicaK]

Thoughout our marriage my ex always managed to get out of doing the laundry by always not noticing a white item or a hand wash only etc etc.
I ended up doing it all and by the end of our marriage he was just dropping clothes on the floor and refusing to help put them away. So I find laundry quite triggering.
Now he manages to carefully separates his bike gear from normal washing etc but repeatedly puts the kids whites in with a colour wash and every single time is astonished when the colours run.
I finally showed annoyance this week at a brand new white t-shirt being ruined because it was in a colour and he yelled this is why he left me..
At what point do you make a mistake and realise you have to change what you're doing? Or am I being too hard on him?

WTH. And people are justifying this and calling yoy a laundry tyrant. Um. NO. This is controlling. He is a GROWN man and he can EASILY do the laundry if he WANTED to. You were not born with the inate knowledge. It is NOT hard to go 'whites and non whites'. He doesnt even need to seperate lights from darks etc. Its a joke. Plus he should be doing the clothes audit and if not, THANKING you for the extra effort that is not due him that you are doing!! he left you over the laundry - i think not. He said what he said to hurt you. The man is awful and you are a saint. Like many women you are stuck doing extra work for the sake of your kids. Shame he cant see it!

OP this is really simple.

He's an absolute wanker.

She doesn't do any of his though does she, her ex washes the children's clothes and ruins them which is the issue.

Sounds like he did it on purpose so you’d lose your temper and then he could make out you’re a bitch. You say he left you - men often treat their wives with contempt when they want to leave them.

Either way he didn’t really care about you did he? Glad he’s your ex!

I think a lot of you are missing the point

my take on this is he’s doing to get a rise out of you triggering or otherwise. Send them in clothes that you don’t mind being ruined

look how defensive he got when you brought him up on it hence he knows it’s pissing you off

YANBU OP

He needs to replace his DC’s clothes that he ruins in his washing machine.

Of course he can do laundry, if he can separate his precious bike kit.

So what happens with the ruined items, you replace? That's the issue.
If he has ruined something you paid for, he needs to fix it or buy a new one. Bet he will learn then.

Definitely weaponised incompetence. My DP does this too. "Oh, you're so much better at it than me" or "Oh, I always mess it up". Stupid idiots.

"Shame he cant see it!"

Of course he can see it. He is doing it on purpose.

Buy Persil colour washing powder & a colour catcher sheet or eq

Then none of the colours run

Was everything together

But OP doesn't have any issues with colours running when she does the washing.

Basic mistake to make, once. Not repeatedly with a bit of normal care.

If he was a loving dad he would not ruin or damage his children's clothes. Some might be important or have some sentimental value to them.

I'd be tempted to send them in rainbow colours from head to toe 😂. Something he doesn't really want to take them out in. Or "Mum rocks" t shirts or else t-shirts for some really obscure charity. Maybe let the kids loose with scissors and tie-dye on a few old clothes and then send the results to dad?

🤦‍♀️ cardboard roll down the toilet? Even very young children know not to do this…

I mean he’s clearly a useless twat isn’t he. You’re definitely not being too hard on him but you need to stop giving them white T-shirts, or you could try sending him an invoice for the money. I doubt that would go down well though.
In your shoes I would only give coloured items and I wouldn’t let his incompetence affect me. I would thank the lord he’s my ex. I’d be inclined to dress the kids all in one colour. Pretty cute but also highlights his complete incompetence. I’m guessing he doesn’t have to wear shirts for work.
YANBU for being annoyed. Rise above!!!

A lot of truth to this…

He sounds like a dick, and this is a small way that he still has power over you. You need to find a way for him to stop having this power over you, over how you feel, his ability to ruin your mood.

I think, as others have said, this would be sending children to him in clothes that you don't mind getting washed out, such as older t shirts.

You need to find a way to stop caring about this so you can get him out of your head because he isn't going to change.

Thanks for those terms, new to me but curiously relevant to something I'm working on - Police arrests down by 38% over a decade. Potholes and GP appointments may follow a similar pattern.

YANBU to not accept "oops" anymore, but try not to show him that it annoys you as this is what he was probably doing it for. Indifference is best if you can, even if it means putting on an act. Trouble is, you've accepted that it is your role to do the laundry and to fix problems. Time to rethink things: he also has to do menial tasks and if he messes up, it his his problem to fix, not yours. Take a deep breath and a step backwards on this.

When it next happens, calmly hand him the damaged item back saying he needs to get the colour out of it and if he can't do so, to replace the item or DD will be upset.

Also suggest that he gets a box of colour catcher sheets so he stops upsetting them by spoiling the clothes.

Then disengage. You've told him to sort his mess and given helpful advice.

Any nasty comments about "this is why I left you" simply respond with, "it's pathetic that you had to run away from someone wanting you to act like an adult, but I'm glad I don't have to put up with your (strategic) incompetence any more. No longer my problem and you're only upsetting the kids with it now."

In the nicest possible way, I'm trying to say to allow him to carry on doing what he is doing and let the DC get cross with him. Don't try to work around this by only providing certain clothes when the DC go to him (with the exception of important, unreplaceable items) or trying to remove stains or buying him colour catcher sheets. It is no longer your problem to sort.

Kind of off the main topic but years ago when I was on holiday in Spain, I bought some loo role and the inner cardboard tube was flushable! It was so good and kinda disintegrated as soon as it got wet.

As you were.

'This is why I left you' is surely a knee jerk response intended to draw you into a stupid slanging match!
I'm sure it would make me feel furious but at the same time it is so puerile I think it's better to ignore the comment! (Preferably whilst appearing calm and not an a rage even if you are- easier said than done I know!)

You do sound a bit over fussy. These things happen. Don't send any light colours or clothes that need special treatment.

Lazy and seems like an idiot

Ask him if he is weaponising his incompetence.