To just not accept "oops" any more?

[PicaK]

Thoughout our marriage my ex always managed to get out of doing the laundry by always not noticing a white item or a hand wash only etc etc.
I ended up doing it all and by the end of our marriage he was just dropping clothes on the floor and refusing to help put them away. So I find laundry quite triggering.
Now he manages to carefully separates his bike gear from normal washing etc but repeatedly puts the kids whites in with a colour wash and every single time is astonished when the colours run.
I finally showed annoyance this week at a brand new white t-shirt being ruined because it was in a colour and he yelled this is why he left me..
At what point do you make a mistake and realise you have to change what you're doing? Or am I being too hard on him?

The bar's set really low for men isn't it? 🙄
Expecting a sentient adult who manages to wash his own clothes without causing damage to show the same care for his children's clothes is 'controlling'. Ffs. What kind of man deliberately spoils his children's clothes? A prize knob, that's who. And it's obvious it's being done to spite the OP.

Just send them in dark stuff you don’t mind so much getting ruined and minimise the clothes they take there so he can buy them clothes for when they stay with him.

He sounds like a prize wanker though OP. At least he reminds you often you should thank your lucky stars you don’t have to put up with his shit anymore. Well, aside from coparenting but at least you don’t have to live with him.

Teach the children how to do the washing he will make them do it for his clothes aswell at that point tell them bike clothes need a 90 degree wash...

Men get away with this learned helplessness because women don't challenge them on it for fear of being called a nag. They've developed into not learning from anything - relational break up? Oh must be the woman's fault. Someone nearly crashed into them? Must be the other driver and not the fact I was speeding/not indicating properly/up their arse.

Keep holding the men in your life accountable. We do it ourselves and exprct it of other women. Time men grew up too.

Depending on how old your DC is and whether they'd mind, I'd send them in the ruined t-shirt the next few times they go to their dad's.

absolutely not the point of this but colour run remover? what sorcery is this? can you link the brand please? I've never heard of this and need it!

No. It's controlling to keep forcing them to do something you've asked them not to do because you don't want them to. The clothes aren't 'destroyed'. They're a slightly different colour.

Can I hijack to just ask how you wash clothes so the colours run? Is that really a thing? I’m in sole position of responsibility in our house for washing and as a rule I don’t separate whites but I’ve never had colours run. I just didn’t think this was an issue with modern dye techniques / washing machines / detergent?

This logic is baffling.

So it's fine for me to send my DC to school in grey polo shirts, I suppose?

There's no logic, it's a bloke throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks.

My ex has some clothes for the kids to keep there. Which works better as I seemed to get all the dirty washing brought home previously.

I have deep red towels. If I wash them on a standard 40° wash with whites I end up with pink clothing.

Colour run remover fixes mistakes though.

I can see why it's annoying, but when you say 'not accept oops anymore' there is not much point thinking that way as you have no control over it. What you do have control over is choosing clothing which isn't going to colour run. As others have said, most clothing nowadays is colourfast, I often wash dark and light together.

You can buy colour run remover from Amazon/supermarkets - Dylon or Dr Beckman.

It's in a box in the laundry aisle. I think I've used the Dyson version.

She's asked him not to put colours and whites in together.

Since he can't manage this basic task she's asked him not to wash the clothes at all and let her sort it.

He has washed the clothes despite her asking him not to and mixed whites in with colours again.

At this point it looks less like the OP being particularly demanding and more like he's doing this deliberately to continue to piss her off in exactly the same way he pissed her off during their marriage. Like an abusive man who deliberately leaves the toilet covered in shit because he knows how disgusting his partner finds it to have to clean up after him. This is the equivalent of that man coming to his ex's house to pick the kids up and deliberately using the toilet and leaving a mess just to show her that he can still force her to clean up his shit even though they're no longer together and don't live together anymore.

Unfortunately the only way round it for the OP is to only let her children see their dad in clothes she couldn't care less about, and to refuse to let them take any nice clothes on holiday with their dad. And to tell the children why, so that when her daughter is on holiday with her dad wearing old or cheap clothes she doesn't enjoy wearing, she knows it's because her dad deliberately ruins clothes her mum has paid for.

The difference though is that you probably wouldn't ruin clothes in the wash, necessitating buying new ones.

OP, I'd say if he's going to spoil the DCs' clothes, it's on him to organise buying new, and to pay for them.

thanks - i've never seen it before. will look for it at shop.

My current DH can't do laundry to save his life. We have had SO MANY rows about it, so I can feel your rage... No amount of explaining / note making / arguing / tutoring made the blindest bit of difference, and I always got an "Ooops! It's not worth falling out over though...." too. IT'S NOT AN OOPS STOP RUINING MY CLOTHES!!!!

He is now banned from touching mine or the children's clothes, and does all his own laundry, which he's free to ruin. I get that I shouldn't have to do all the children's laundry, but it's a lesser evilism. He does do other rubbish jobs that I hate like the bins though and works 6 days a week, so all in all it probably balances out. My two boys will be able to do laundry properly by the time they leave home though, even if it kills me. There's hope yet for the next generation at least.

Just out of interest, are there any women who are physically incapable of doing laundry?

Quick show of hands?

Btw, could you not leave a few sets of (shit) clothes at their dad's, and have separate for your own house? My cousin did that with her step children, but for different reasons. Seemed to work for them.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/colour-catcher/s?k=colour+catcher

These actually work- DH managed to ruin a few of the kids new clothes which didn't go over well with me so he started buying these - he pays for main shopping end of problem. No idea why it was such an issue all the time but there you go.

Colour run remover is a new one on me though.

You could try giving him some but if its weaponised incompetence won't help I guess. MIL has over 20 years at times insisted on washing some of my clothes - every time ruined them in a different way every time.

Obviously, given the photo, I meant Dylon, not Dyson 🤦🏻‍♀️

😂 literally never heard of anyone doing this! That would be soooo annoying - what a crazy! Suppose we all have our foibles….. but no, thats weird!

but as regards washing - youre going to have to co-parent for many years - so just go for the path of least resistance. Don’t make it an issue, send kids in clothes that are hardy, tell him you don’t mind clothes coming back unwashed but really it’s up to him how he parents the children at his house, including washing. As a child of divorced parents, I think the best you can do for them is be chill about these things, grit your teeth and get on with him… a civil (and where possible friendly) relationship will have such a healthy impact on the kids… avoid these sorts of confrontations. You could chat about it with him, if he is the type to do so calmly, and agree that you both have triggers and should avoid getting into it for the sake of the kids..
personally my kids clothes are stained, dyed and quite a few are holey and I couldn’t care less (nor could they) - they are clean! It’s all to do with personal perception and tolerance….(Except when it’s a loo roll inner down the loo! I’m with you on that one!!😄)

Not sure why you tagged me, @MissScarletInTheBallroom , I agree with you:

At this point it looks less like the OP being particularly demanding and more like he's doing this deliberately to continue to piss her off in exactly the same way he pissed her off during their marriage

Same path of action, whether he's trying to piss her off, abuse her, using strategic incompetence, whatever: it's not a good idea to try to control another adult. You have to control your own behaviour, i.e. your exposure to them, and your response. OP has ideas at her disposal and needs to use them. Only send them in hardy clothes, arrange for him to have clothes that stay at his, get the kids to choose which of their clothes they don't mind being washed with a red sock, etc.