To just not accept "oops" any more?

[PicaK]

Thoughout our marriage my ex always managed to get out of doing the laundry by always not noticing a white item or a hand wash only etc etc.
I ended up doing it all and by the end of our marriage he was just dropping clothes on the floor and refusing to help put them away. So I find laundry quite triggering.
Now he manages to carefully separates his bike gear from normal washing etc but repeatedly puts the kids whites in with a colour wash and every single time is astonished when the colours run.
I finally showed annoyance this week at a brand new white t-shirt being ruined because it was in a colour and he yelled this is why he left me..
At what point do you make a mistake and realise you have to change what you're doing? Or am I being too hard on him?

He is doing it deliberately to upset you.
I agree with others saying just have a basic 3 sets of dark clothes and send them only with those. Anything else he has to buy.
If he cares about your dd's needs he will buy extra clothes and look after them.
Having her clothes ruined isn't meeting her needs, even though you keep replacing them.

These men are not stupid or incompetent. They are manipulative.

He should definitely be replacing what he ruins-there needs to be some impact to him!

What a wanker!

I'd have put his cycling gear through on a boil wash, TBH and said "Ooops!"

Yes. It's impossible for OP to be responsible for his training unless she implements reliable and respected training methods.

WTF. He's allowed to do the washing however he wants. She's not his controller. If he doesn't do it the way she wants, she needs to find a way to make it bearable for herself, not attempt to control his actions via making him understand his responsibilities. He's not a teenager.

No he's not a teenager.

But also doesn't seem to be an adult, let alone a father.

Why wouldn't he want to replace his kids clothes that he has ruined?

I doubt the effect on his children has even crossed his mind. It is all about the effect on OP.

@Italianita

But he's behaving like one

And so OP must behave like his mother? Really, this is the kind of thinking that lands women in the trap of doing everything.

OP isn't going to change him, so she needs to adapt so that his ways don't bother her. Make him not matter. Make his actions not be in control of the situation.

So I guess she needs to not let it affect her.

What would be reasonable is to tell him to fix it, either by washing the stain or buying a new shirt.

@diddl

But also doesn't seem to be an adult, let alone a father

It doesn't matter what he 'seems' to be: his is and adult, he is their father. If he wants to wash all their clothes together, that's his prerogative. If OP wants to keep bothering herself about it, that's her prerogative.

Obviously there is a lot going on here and he sounds like an ass in general based on juts droping laundry at floorm. but does he separate his own laundry and just mixes the kids?

Cause I personally don't do lights, darks, coloured. I do separate based on temperature. So if my ex expected me to do it differently in my house I wouldn't be thrilled. I'm sorry that I don't have any practical solution. Hope you find one!

Why man child? I clearly said "we" do things that way. If I buy something that requires special care, I wash it. He wants to wash his work shirts separately, he does it.

I can't be arsed to read the labels either, we don't have time for that shit! We run 6-7 machines a week with two kids under 3 and full time jobs.

Don’t send anything new or white to his. He’s a prick, but at least he’s a ex

no, it's taking responsibility for your own items. No one here ever tells a woman she's being a "woman child" when special care items of her DH's get washed wrongly by her, they tell her to make him do his own laundry.

You will never, ever get him to change. You are wasting your time and hurting yourself if you pursue any kind of argument with him over the rights and wrongs of this aspect of his personality. You also give him power over you each time that you let him know that his actions have affected you. So just ..don't.

I understand that there are additional needs at play, but you need to make sure there is never a situation where your exH has expensive or important items in his possession. Send the kids with the clothes on their backs. If DD needs certain things for her comfort, that is HIS responsibility to provide for during his contact time. OK, easier said than done when they're your babies and you care more about their wellbeing than this argument with their dad. In which case, if you think he won't step up and meet her needs then you need some clothes that she is happy with that you don't mind being ruined. And these will then be the clothes that she always goes to his house with.

What kind of a moron puts the cardboard loo roll tubes down the loo?!?!

No, I wouldn't accept any "oops".
Life is too short for this crap. He's perfectly capable.
My husband, three decades older, sometimes has an "oops" thingy like this.
However, totally different vibes.
I presume your husband is an adult at "productive" age.
You definitely are not too hard on him.😠

Buy him a box of colour catchers

It's "controlling" to ask someone not to destroy your kids clothes now?

One who is deliberately trying to cause his wife annoyance.

"Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft is a very good book and a useful read for everyone who does not understand this behaviour.
It is free to access online.

He used the cardboard and the put it down the loo!! WTF

YANBU, but it is unlikely to change. How do you think he'd respond to being bought a box of colour catchers if you say DD likes to take clothes from one house to the other I wouldn't like to stop her doing that