To just not accept "oops" any more?

[PicaK]

Thoughout our marriage my ex always managed to get out of doing the laundry by always not noticing a white item or a hand wash only etc etc.
I ended up doing it all and by the end of our marriage he was just dropping clothes on the floor and refusing to help put them away. So I find laundry quite triggering.
Now he manages to carefully separates his bike gear from normal washing etc but repeatedly puts the kids whites in with a colour wash and every single time is astonished when the colours run.
I finally showed annoyance this week at a brand new white t-shirt being ruined because it was in a colour and he yelled this is why he left me..
At what point do you make a mistake and realise you have to change what you're doing? Or am I being too hard on him?

Make sure they only wear dark colours when they go there🤷🏻‍♀

"You left because I called you out on being a useless dickhead. You look after what you care about, which is you and your stuff. You dont look after what you dont care about, your kids and their stuff"

Tell him you're not going to send clothes with the kids any more apart from the clothes they're wearing when he picks them up.

Send them wearing clothes that will survive any hamfisted washing.

Tell him he needs to buy clothes, underwear, and night wear for the children to wear when they're with him. If he drops them to school any morning, he needs to buy uniforms for them too.

"Different standards" is not ironing or sending them to school in odd socks. It's not destroying their clothes.

Thanks guys. Funnily enough I had said to leave the washing and I'd do it. They'd been on holiday and DD had wanted to take a mix of summer clothes from both houses. And i facilitated that. I even packed her bag. So I guess in some ways he was being nice trying to sort it.
It was just the "shield" lash out response to me being irritated by the lack of care that got to me. The comment hurt.
The kids go back and forth a lot so clothes do creep from one house to the other esp as DD likes to get changed a lot. (SEN and this works for them).
So I end up doing a clothes audit every term and redistributing. It frustrates me I'm doing wife work but otherwise dd loses out.
He used to be the same with toilet rolls. I'd beg him not to put the cardboard roll down the toilet - and every time he would if it ran out on him.
You're right I don't control what he does in his own house. But when someone has lent you some thing you're supposed to take care of it.

He keeps clothes at his house for the dc to wear and you just send them in something you don't mind getting trashed and don't leave any other clothes with him. This is exactly what I did.

I don’t understand how clothes are getting ruined so often. I can count on one hand the times something has run in the wash - it’s certainly not an every day occurrence given most modern fabrics are colour fast.

Buy or tell him about colour catchers.

He put the inner cardboard tube down the loo?
Ive never known any one do that before.
If he sort he’s own sports kit out, then he can sort the whites out. He’s clearly just an arse.
Just send old , dark clothes. Or tell him to send the washing home.

I'm sorry..he put the cardboard roll DOWN THE TOILET? WTAF

He put the inner cardboard of the loo roll DOWN THE TOILET ?

wtaf

And you used to beg him not to?😭

Omgg ....thank fuck this weirdo is an ex

My personal thoughts on it are that if he's doing the washing then he'll do it his way.

But if the kids are wearing white t-shirts bought by their mum and he ruins them through inept washing, that's not OK, surely? So it's not really one of those 'he does it his way, I do it mine' things. He's ruining the kids' possessions that were (I'm assuming) paid for by their mum.

OP - it's annoying but I would just not send them there in clothes that matter.

Perhaps he washes at high temperatures.
I do most things on a 30 or 40.

How old are the children? Can they help manage the washing of their items at their father's. Not saying its ideal or not depending on your view about children doing chores. He is sounding useless but lots of people do washing differently. Also colour catchers, he should buy some.

Don't send any clothes to his unless you're happy for them to get ruined, basically.

You can't control what he does in his house. Stop martyring yourself over someone who doesn't matter anymore.

Personally, I'd be having a word with your DC and telling them that seeing as their dad wrecks their clothes, they're not having their good stuff going to his.

I dunno. My kids are of an age (and both have SEN too BTW) where they are able to put things together themselves now. They see their dad doesn't do things like I do and are quite vocal in their opinions on the matter. I'm not protecting their dad's feelings for them.

It sounds like the laundry is triggering for both of you! It is the kind of thing my ex would get really upset about. I would never have dared do any of his laundry in case I somehow messed it up. Luckily we split up pre-kids. He is a bit sloppy and you are a bit of a laundry tyrant.

OP I get that you don't want your DD to lose out but your ex isn't going to change his behaviour unless you make this his problem. I would buy each of your kids a basic "uniform" from H&M or similar, like a pair of jeans, three t-shirts and a sweatshirt in dark colours and only send your kids to their dad's house in those clothes. Their other clothes, the ones you actually care about, stay at your house. If your DD is unhappy about this, you explain that you don't want her nice clothes to go to her dad's house because he ruins them in the wash. If he wants to take them on holiday he'll need to buy them some new "on holiday with dad" clothes.

Make it really clear to both your ex and your children why you are doing this.

I'd ask him to wash stuff on 30 it won't run and better for environment

Send them in coloured clothes that you're not bothered about.

Why does he put the cardboard roll down the loo? That’s so weird. Does he put it down whole or rip it up?

While this is sensible, the ex obviously is selectively deaf to anything OP asks him to do, so it’s not going to help.

Try not to give it an emotional reaction, just a practical one.

X item of clothing comes back ruined: “A replacement for X item can be purchased from XX for £15. DD is looking forward to picking it up when she’s next at yours.”

Obviously don’t tell DD he’s replacing it until he’s confirmed he has, but if he’s the one who has to run around replacing things all the time, he just might be a bit more careful not to ruin them. If he ignores it, just bask in the knowledge that he’s not being an incompetent arse in your house anymore.

What kind of world are we in where someone finds laundry “triggering”

Just buy dark clothes in a fabric that doesn't leak colour. What kids clothes have you been buying?