To be expected to run around after another's child?

[Blondeandbeautifullol]

Hi, my child has specialist sports coaching outside of school. One of his frenemies parents discovered this and has decided their child should do it too as their child was upset mine got a place on the sports team. They felt if their child had coaching in this particular sports position, their child only needs to compete with mine for a position on the school team. Every Thursday evening, my child goes to this coaching as does her frenemy who is really only doing it because her mother is pushing her to do it - she even said "if you train in a special position you'll be more likely picked ".

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them. The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position, now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back. This child is not always kind to my daughter and I feel the mother has a bloody cheek keep asking. How do I get to be there, watch and collect my child after having declined to drop off, watch and collect hers every week? She said she'd be able to at a push if my child isn't going but her career is very important. I want to say "so you're competing with my child as everything mine does yours has to have with a cherry on top. In the process you expect me to enable this by taking/watching/dropping off yours?" Aibu? How do I make her take responsibility for her own kid when I have to see her at school and my child is on off friends with hers?

"Sorry no, can't wait/drop off, got other plans"

I'm hoping the OP will come back with a positive outcome. My thoughts are it's not your responsibility, if the mum doesn't arrive the coach will have to deal with it. You're not abandoning anyone. The mother and daughter will never change, so try and get some distance from them, put your daughter first.

Not everyone is built with the inner confidence of so many on this forum. Some dont like confrontation, or are more timid by nature overall, so while the 'no' is a small word it can be difficult to say to the bullish types as this woman appears to be. I used to be like this, still am a bit but not as bad as I was, life, circumstance and age have made me more forthright. It doesn't make living with the fallout of that 'no' any easier though. Good luck op, wing this womans doormat won't do your self confidence a y good so even a carefully constructed big fat lie of other commitments prohibiting you from being available is the best way to go maybe. Good luck.

I certainly wasn't 'built' with it. I was brought up by a chronic people-pleaser to never say no, to consider myself last out of everyone around me, to believe that if someone needed to be inconvenienced, that person should obviously be me, to think that confident self-prioritisation was the worst possible crime for a woman. I don't think my upbringing was that unusual. But it's your adult responsibility to unravel and unlearn unhelpful beliefs your childhood may have inculcated in you. No one can do it for you, and you don't get a free pass because of your upbringing or 'timidity'.

I was brought up in a similar manner. My role was to make everyone else's life easier. It's a very tough habit to break.

Absolutely, but sometimes it takes a while to build confidence to get to that point of being able to. We all learn and evolve ( well, hopefully positively) as we age so the 46 year old Jenny may respond very differently to the 26 year old Jenny in a similar situation.

I'm still learning and I'm late 50s I look back at things I've done (or not done and should have) and wonder what I was scared of but perspective changes over time too. I was bullied as a minority going to and from school every day on a bus, to survive it was put up with it because to retaliate would have either condemned you and your siblings. The treatment extended to my parents. It was a threatening environment. So I was conditioned into accepting certain treatment. As I grew up comments others got very upset over didn't seem to affect me the same, it was only as I matured that I realised i should have been upset, I shouldn't have accepted it as I was being disrespected and needed to draw different boundaries. It was a steep learning curve. Not everyone is the same.

Oh, I agree. But if you are going to have a satisfying and well-balanced adult life of friendships, relationships, workplace interactions etc, it's completely necessary, however hard it is.

This. Long term solution is to help your daughter see what friends are supposed to be and recognise people who aren't.

There are some good books to help parents help their kids make better friends. Friends Forever / The Unwritten Rules of Friendship / kid confidence. Look them up

This. Why do some people not see this ? sometimes a little white lie is better than being outright combative. She will get the message without bludgeoning it on her head and said silly bit@ch cant bitch about it to everyone if she hasn't actually been nasty.

I totally agree with this.

What happened on Thursday @Blondeandbeautifullol ?

@Shinyandnew1 mine didn't go this week as she'd got a assignment to do and got all fraught. I did message back thought "sorry not going this week" no reply to that. Not even "can I help or everything ok"? No idea if hers went then.

Remember this next time she asks. Just say 'sorry, no can do' and hopefully she won't even ask why.

Remember her lack of care for yours from now on. If the trainer gets a message to take hers home, preempt it by telling her no, sorry I can't.

So she did ask you again this week?

Is she asking to to go to her house, collect her daughter/stay at the club and bring her home again afterwards?

If she messages you about taking her child again, do the same to her by ignoring her back. Tell the coach that you are no longer bringing her or taking her home, and that if she tells them you are she's wrong, because you can't do it anymore!

That was your opportunity to tell her :
Hi CF, I can no longer take/collect mini CF from x activity. You need to make alternative arrangements

Oh, and stop apologising, you have no reason to say sorry!

Further proves she doesn't care about you or your daughter. She's just using you.

Ok so she hasn’t answered. Now you really have got enough information that she doesn’t care about your dd. She’s bullying her in fact. Please do this. Your poor dd doesn’t have a clue what’s happening by the sound of it and it’s your job to teach her how to be a future adult. That means dealing with some uncomfortable situations.

Great now you know how to reply to her in future just do the same and ignore her back.

Why don't you just ask her to take your child every week and when she obs says she can't, then you can take yours in peace.

Of you really don't want to tell her you're not taking her daughter, do this.

How did it go this week?

Please update us OP