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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be expected to run around after another's child?

533 replies

Blondeandbeautifullol · 16/04/2024 16:23

Hi, my child has specialist sports coaching outside of school. One of his frenemies parents discovered this and has decided their child should do it too as their child was upset mine got a place on the sports team. They felt if their child had coaching in this particular sports position, their child only needs to compete with mine for a position on the school team. Every Thursday evening, my child goes to this coaching as does her frenemy who is really only doing it because her mother is pushing her to do it - she even said "if you train in a special position you'll be more likely picked ".

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them. The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position, now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back. This child is not always kind to my daughter and I feel the mother has a bloody cheek keep asking. How do I get to be there, watch and collect my child after having declined to drop off, watch and collect hers every week? She said she'd be able to at a push if my child isn't going but her career is very important. I want to say "so you're competing with my child as everything mine does yours has to have with a cherry on top. In the process you expect me to enable this by taking/watching/dropping off yours?" Aibu? How do I make her take responsibility for her own kid when I have to see her at school and my child is on off friends with hers?

OP posts:
Dorisbonson · 17/04/2024 21:05

Just make sure your car has no room to pick her child up. Carry some empty/lightweight cardboard boxes on the other seats "to help out another friend" and suggest you have to do this every week and cannot change that schedule that requires you so this for your friend. No need for extra details. Tough shit for the other girls mom but she created the situation.

Dorisbonson · 17/04/2024 21:07

Livingtothefull · 17/04/2024 18:55

I agree with this. Confidence in managing piss takers like this woman doesn't come naturally to a lot of us, these skills have to be consciously learned and it is really hard initially.

A couple of things that could help (based on what I have learned as a formerly unassertive person):

You need to advocate for your child, so you are doing your job as a parent in saying 'no' to this. Treat it as you would if handling any unpleasant but necessary task at work.

You ask how you can get her to see reason eg 'How do I make her take responsibility for her own kid', but the reality is you can't because she is not reasonable. So don't engage or discuss it, just tell her how it's going to be.

Don't tell yourself you're 'upset' when what you actually are is angry. Your anger needs to outshout your fear.

If you wait until you feel comfortable asserting yourself you will wait a very long time. Accept that it is going to be uncomfortable even unnatural and that you will probably feel nervous and it may show - and that's OK. Say what you need to say, say it badly if need be but just say it.

Decide what you are going to say (civil and concise is best) and stick to it. Refuse to engage beyond that, if she argues or gets angry just 'It's a shame you feel that way'.

Show quote history

Once you start saying no to people and being known as hard to deal with it comes quite easily and people stop taking the piss.

OhcantthInkofaname · 17/04/2024 21:11

Just say no!

AGoingConcern · 17/04/2024 21:45

This is an opportunity to set an example for your daughter to stop rolling over for bullies and accepting one-way relationships with "frenemies" who just use you when its convenient for them.

Do your best to take all the resentment & anger out of it. Tomorrow evening, text the mother "Hi [mother], I wanted to let you know in advance that we will no longer be able to give [daughter] a ride to or from [activity] on Thursdays. I'll be letting [coach] know today as well so there's no confusion. Have a good week." Then tell the coach (and cc any relavant office people) the same.

If she asks, or if the coach asks, be matter-of-fact about it. "No, as I told [mother], we won't be able to do that anymore." If they press, act a little taken aback "Surely [mother] wasn't relying on me after I so clearly said I would not be doing that. How strange. But as I said..."

minimomma1 · 17/04/2024 21:54

You don't owe this woman any explanation
Don't lie or make up reasons it's none of her business just a firm no
Tell her you've informed the coach of your decision so not to involve him/her by putting pressure on them. I spent many years ferrying my kids to various activities and that me time to discuss the day was precious and comforting especially if your daughter is struggling with peer group dynamics

rebus · 17/04/2024 22:03

AGoingConcern · 17/04/2024 21:45

This is an opportunity to set an example for your daughter to stop rolling over for bullies and accepting one-way relationships with "frenemies" who just use you when its convenient for them.

Do your best to take all the resentment & anger out of it. Tomorrow evening, text the mother "Hi [mother], I wanted to let you know in advance that we will no longer be able to give [daughter] a ride to or from [activity] on Thursdays. I'll be letting [coach] know today as well so there's no confusion. Have a good week." Then tell the coach (and cc any relavant office people) the same.

If she asks, or if the coach asks, be matter-of-fact about it. "No, as I told [mother], we won't be able to do that anymore." If they press, act a little taken aback "Surely [mother] wasn't relying on me after I so clearly said I would not be doing that. How strange. But as I said..."

This is perfect--OP do you feel comfortable trying this?

AppleCrumbleTea · 17/04/2024 22:18

Just tell her in advance you’ve got commitments in the opposite direction immediately before and after so it’s not practical to drive her any more.

Animatic · 17/04/2024 22:20

Blondeandbeautifullol · 16/04/2024 16:23

Hi, my child has specialist sports coaching outside of school. One of his frenemies parents discovered this and has decided their child should do it too as their child was upset mine got a place on the sports team. They felt if their child had coaching in this particular sports position, their child only needs to compete with mine for a position on the school team. Every Thursday evening, my child goes to this coaching as does her frenemy who is really only doing it because her mother is pushing her to do it - she even said "if you train in a special position you'll be more likely picked ".

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them. The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position, now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back. This child is not always kind to my daughter and I feel the mother has a bloody cheek keep asking. How do I get to be there, watch and collect my child after having declined to drop off, watch and collect hers every week? She said she'd be able to at a push if my child isn't going but her career is very important. I want to say "so you're competing with my child as everything mine does yours has to have with a cherry on top. In the process you expect me to enable this by taking/watching/dropping off yours?" Aibu? How do I make her take responsibility for her own kid when I have to see her at school and my child is on off friends with hers?

Just say "I'm afraid I won't be able to drop darling Cecilia as this is inconvenientfor us" no further explanation required.

Havinganamechange · 17/04/2024 22:26

Just say no or don’t reply to the messages. She will soon get the hint.

Josette77 · 17/04/2024 22:27

You're teaching your DD to be a pushover as well.

Say no. It's not convenient.

And teach your DD that she can also say no. Teach her that she doesn't have to be nice to people who aren't nice to her.

Starzinsky · 17/04/2024 22:47

You absolutely don't have to say yes. Just say sorry not convenient for me we have a lot on.

Remagirl · 17/04/2024 22:50

Jesus are you kidding me! Practice saying "no, I'm afraid that doesn't work for us".

Orders76 · 17/04/2024 23:44

Op please tell us how it went!?

You know sometimes Im happy I'm too poor for bullshit.
I can't add round trips for someone else into my petrol.
There's no point in me paying for daughter's classes if. Not enjoying.
Op use practicality for you,!

aloris · 18/04/2024 00:06

AGoingConcern · 17/04/2024 21:45

This is an opportunity to set an example for your daughter to stop rolling over for bullies and accepting one-way relationships with "frenemies" who just use you when its convenient for them.

Do your best to take all the resentment & anger out of it. Tomorrow evening, text the mother "Hi [mother], I wanted to let you know in advance that we will no longer be able to give [daughter] a ride to or from [activity] on Thursdays. I'll be letting [coach] know today as well so there's no confusion. Have a good week." Then tell the coach (and cc any relavant office people) the same.

If she asks, or if the coach asks, be matter-of-fact about it. "No, as I told [mother], we won't be able to do that anymore." If they press, act a little taken aback "Surely [mother] wasn't relying on me after I so clearly said I would not be doing that. How strange. But as I said..."

This is a really good answer.

angelfacecuti75 · 18/04/2024 00:07

I would say no..
And I would tell her why, probably...diplomatically /invent a lie /be firm but fair/come up with bullshit excuses like I am washing my hair /buying a kangaroo (lol) that would put her off.
Hope it helps /made u laugh.

Ger1atricMillennial · 18/04/2024 02:52

Hopefully now you have got it all off your chest. It's a frustrating situation.

The parent is choosing to not pick up her kid. Occasionally in an EMERGENCY (this is key... someone has to be in hospital or arrested) it might be appropriate or if it was arranged prior and there was to-and-fro.

Firstly, this is not personal towards you and your child. When you start saying no consistently, she will find someone else to leech off of.

Secondly, I assure you that if you say no, it will take 3 times and the child will stop going. Either because the parent can't deal with it, or because the club will not put up with her shitty behaviour.

ChellyT · 18/04/2024 02:53

Blondeandbeautifullol · 16/04/2024 16:23

Hi, my child has specialist sports coaching outside of school. One of his frenemies parents discovered this and has decided their child should do it too as their child was upset mine got a place on the sports team. They felt if their child had coaching in this particular sports position, their child only needs to compete with mine for a position on the school team. Every Thursday evening, my child goes to this coaching as does her frenemy who is really only doing it because her mother is pushing her to do it - she even said "if you train in a special position you'll be more likely picked ".

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them. The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position, now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back. This child is not always kind to my daughter and I feel the mother has a bloody cheek keep asking. How do I get to be there, watch and collect my child after having declined to drop off, watch and collect hers every week? She said she'd be able to at a push if my child isn't going but her career is very important. I want to say "so you're competing with my child as everything mine does yours has to have with a cherry on top. In the process you expect me to enable this by taking/watching/dropping off yours?" Aibu? How do I make her take responsibility for her own kid when I have to see her at school and my child is on off friends with hers?

YABU to just say no

YANBU to feel put in a position that you have to say no

Sorry @Blondeandbeautifullol you'll just have to say no

Jack80 · 18/04/2024 06:53

I would say unfortunately I have to go to x on the way there so can't do pick up drop off anymore

Bagwyllydiart · 18/04/2024 07:14

See if you can borrow a 2 seater car for the evening. A subtle way of saying no and fuck you simultaneously.

Bugbabe1970 · 18/04/2024 07:46

Just say no!!

Panpastels · 18/04/2024 08:32

'To be honest I felt pressured into it the last few times and it's really not convenient for me, so you will need to transport your own child to and from the activity'
And let coach know.

Factsareimportantplease · 18/04/2024 08:46

Come on
@Blondeandbeautifullol what did you message to piss taking entitled bully mum?

Pray tell us you aren't going to run daughters enemy around no more!

RecklessGoddess · 18/04/2024 09:55

I honestly can't believe that anyone has actually said you're being unreasonable, the other mum is selfish and seriously taking advantage of you. I would simply tell her you can't do it anymore, because it's interfering or causing too many problems with your own life all the time! If she asks how it's causing problems, just tell her it's personal.

DriftingDora · 18/04/2024 09:59

RecklessGoddess · 18/04/2024 09:55

I honestly can't believe that anyone has actually said you're being unreasonable, the other mum is selfish and seriously taking advantage of you. I would simply tell her you can't do it anymore, because it's interfering or causing too many problems with your own life all the time! If she asks how it's causing problems, just tell her it's personal.

just tell her it's personal.

No, you tell her to mind her own business. No means NO.

Onetiredbeing · 18/04/2024 10:08

Letsseeshallwe · 16/04/2024 16:32

Yabu for entertaining the batshit. People take because they can. Put your DD first.

This. I just can never understand spineless people like you op. So she gives you and order to do it and you jump and do it. How do you even function as an adult and make normal everyday decisions if you can't even say a perfectly reasonable no to this. She's not making you do anything, you are cheating of your own free will to do it and then complaining about her.

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