To be expected to run around after another's child?

[Blondeandbeautifullol]

Hi, my child has specialist sports coaching outside of school. One of his frenemies parents discovered this and has decided their child should do it too as their child was upset mine got a place on the sports team. They felt if their child had coaching in this particular sports position, their child only needs to compete with mine for a position on the school team. Every Thursday evening, my child goes to this coaching as does her frenemy who is really only doing it because her mother is pushing her to do it - she even said "if you train in a special position you'll be more likely picked ".

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them. The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position, now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back. This child is not always kind to my daughter and I feel the mother has a bloody cheek keep asking. How do I get to be there, watch and collect my child after having declined to drop off, watch and collect hers every week? She said she'd be able to at a push if my child isn't going but her career is very important. I want to say "so you're competing with my child as everything mine does yours has to have with a cherry on top. In the process you expect me to enable this by taking/watching/dropping off yours?" Aibu? How do I make her take responsibility for her own kid when I have to see her at school and my child is on off friends with hers?

What an encouraging little pep talk

I think you obviously hate 'confrontation' of any kind, and maybe are a people pleaser by nature, in which case the easiest way out would be to tell a little lie to say you have to go to an appointment or visit a relative straight after pick up every week, so cannot spare time to drop their child off anymore, say you hope she can arrange alternative childcare.

Or, you could be a bit blunt and just say "I am too busy in the evenings so cannot help you out anymore" - don't offer any more info at this point, but if the mother questions you just be vague in your response, such as; "various things I need to do". If you can text this woman in advance of the next activity it will give her time to make alternative arrangements and will remove the need for you to speak to her in-person if you find that awkward. Good luck!

Di you (or a parent) have to be there while it's going on? You could tell this woman that you need to alternate the drop off/pick up. So one week you do it, next she does (make sure she does the first week). If she doesn't agree say that you can't be responsible for her child and if she should message you while you are there say you have plans and can't bring the girl home.

I think the OP should engage as little as possible with this woman, she is bad news. A firm 'no' to collecting her child and refuse to engage further if she tries to argue back.

And no offers to alternate collection of both children, that works only if both mothers are on friendly terms and the children well behaved. I would not want the OP's DD to be in a car on her own unsupervised with this woman and her child (who we already know has been unkind to the DD).

I marked YABU just because all you needed to say was “I am sorry I can’t commit to that”.

Remove all the competitive/ competition stuff and just say “so sorry I cannot help with that.”

@Blondeandbeautifullol i wouldn’t call you spineless @Onetiredbeing as that’s too harsh but as has been mentioned I genuinely can’t understand why you can’t just say “sorry no that won’t work for us”. Unless you have a massive backlog of favours to her that you haven’t declared then you just need to say no.

Op, I think you need to own your right to decline and stop getting enmeshed by school gate politics.

Also if your DD is naive you should talk to her about frenemies and how to spot one... I talk about all this stuff with my kids, give her some emotional wisdom, then she won't be so naive... If she slowly realises this girl isn't her friend she might think it's down to there being something wrong with her, instead of it being a character flaw of this mini queen bee ... Help her see through the bs.

Just say no I'm sorry I can't pick up nor drop your daughter off anymore. You dont have to give a reason.

Dh has drilled into our girls from primary age that if anyone is consistently unkind to you you bin them ruthlessly. I used to think he was too black and white “be kind” etc but actually he’s spot on. And good practice for future relationships too.

Find something to do after training - shopping, going to McDs etc. Explain you can't take the child home because you're not going straight home. Say this to the Coach as well as the Mum. And yes, you can apologetically say you cannot take this child home. It's not your problem.

I wish I had been given that advice when I was growing up.

Sounds like a workable solution to me OP. You do really need to nip this in the bud now, because this situation will only get harder the longer you leave it. You may also need to speak to your daughter and give her a heads up because if you saying a consistent "No" to his manipulative parent plus saying "No - not available" to the coach the next thing is the mother/daughter will bypass you and go straight to your daughter to get what they want. You need to manage this on her behalf and refer any requests back to you, as the responsible adult, to deal with this on her behalf - as well as yours. 🌹

I've been in a comparable position, dropping of&picking up teenaged daughter from concerts and parties always included a (large!) car filled with her friends. Sometimes I drove around for an hour in the middle of the night seeing all of them safely home. Untill I heard a telephone conversation going like this "I wont drive you, ask mom, she's crazy enough to drive around all evening and all night". That exact moment I told my daughter I would co tinue driving her but not her friends. Not one, not once. My daughter agreed, the friends and their parents ....not so. They never were MY friends anyway.

You're not being unreasonable that's for sure but although I do know how difficult and unpleasant it can be to be confrontational especially when the children are involved, in this instance you're definitely being a bit of a pushover!!🙄I would have NO problem telling the other Mum that you cannot take responsibility for her child and you do not need to give ANY explanation for your action either, let her 'read between the lines' as it sounds like she needs a wake up call in!! Maybe I missed it but I don't know how old the girls are but maybe discuss it with your daughter with regards to her 'friendship' with the other girl?

Don't understand the OP, just say NO

What happened this evening?

Was hoping to hear the OP had taken action. 😕

It makes things a little difficult that your daughter is friends with this child occasionally, as when she is friends she'll probably want you to pick girl up etc
But IMO as girl is not nice to daughter rest of times and mum is only getting her daughter to compete with yours then NO is the obvious answer then block her , she wants her daughter to do activity it's her responsibility to sort her daughter out not yours end of,

So was I. It makes feel sad for the people being used by others, so I keep trying to cheer them on in my head. You can do this! Your family comes first, second and third!

Doesn't always work, but hope springs eternal.

@Blondeandbeautifullol

I demand that you tell us whether you picked up the other brat tonight and dud the usual running around.

🙄

That exact moment I told my daughter I would co tinue driving her but not her friends. Not one, not once. My daughter agreed, the friends and their parents....not so.

I hope they ‘not agreed’ by collecting their own bloody kids! What happened after you stopped ferrying everyone?

OP, why do you feel nervous about saying no?
What can this woman do to you? She may be the queen bee of the school mums but other than a few awkward exchanges and not being "friends" or being part of the "in" crowd anymore, what would you lose?
On the other hand, if you say no, you are longer obliged to put yourself out because she can't be bothered to pick up her kid and you are modelling to your daughter that friendships that are conditional on doing everything the other person wants is not a proper friendship / how to stand up for yourself or be assertive.

Just say no, even if she's text you last minute, tell her you have other engagments after and can't drop her kid home. You have to leave her in the learch to stop her relying on you. She's clearly on purpose asking you lastminute so you feel obliged to say yes. She is taking advantage of your good nature. The only way to deal with people like this is to keep saying no until the get the message.

I don't think the OP is going to come back on here.

Yabu cos you need to grow a set and say no! This woman is taking the piss cos you're allowing her to do so. No one can make us feel anything, we do that all by ourselves and the resentment you've built is all your own. She has every right to have her child on a sports team however its her responsibility to get said child from A to B.