To ask sister to clean up

[Rebellion86]

I know I'm going to sound ungrateful here so please go easy on me 😅.
I work 2 night shifts per week. Same 3 nights on rotation, eg Mon & Thurs, Mon & Saturday, Thurs & Saturday. The Saturday nights I work my kids go to their dad's house. When I work Mon & Thurs night my younger sister stays at mine and mind's kids. Until just before Christmas my mum would stay,but her night shifts have changed to the nights I'm working.
My sister is great and I'm so appreciative of the fact she minds my kids for free. I'd be stuck without her. My issue is the mess she leaves behind. I've no problem with her making food, eating whatever she wants, I always make sure the cupboards are stocked so she can help herself to whatever she wants. She just never cleans up after herself. Sometimes her useless bf comes over too, he's another story, and there's 4 times the mess.

This morning kind of crossed the line. When I leave for work at night there isn't a thing out of place. Not even a cup in the sink. When I come home this morning after a hard night the place was a mess. 4 plates and 4 sets of cutlery lying in the sink. Cups everywhere. Glasses of juice left on living room floor that one of my kids had accidentally knocked over. Juice left then to dry in so a sticky dirty floor. Empty food packages they'd used sitting on the worktop above the bin. Spilt food dried into the top of the oven.
My worktop had to be wiped of spillages straight away or else they soak into it and stain. I've said this to her before, but this morning there was tea and blackcurrant juice spilt on it that wasn't cleaned off and it has now stained the worktop and it will be hard to remove.
Her bf must have stayed last night because when I went into my room it just had that 'man smell'. He leaves before I come home because he knows I'm not fussed on him.

Like I say I know I should be grateful of the free help, and I really am, but is it too much to ask her to clean up after herself or should I just suck it up?

If you confront your sister and have a disagreement, how easily would you find someone to look after your children overnight? How much would it cost you?

It sounds really frustrating, but it may be the best you'll get.

I know that's the thing, she could take it either way, she most likely would clean up after herself, but there's always the chance she'll tell me where to go 🙈 and I'd be screwed.

@Rebellion86

Her bf must have stayed last night because when I went into my room it just had that 'man smell'. He leaves before I come home because he knows I'm not fussed on him.

Do you mean your bedroom? He's sleeping/having sex in your bed? 🤢

All depends what you value the most; the childcare or the mess... you could lose either one.

As for the boyfriend staying; I'd challenge that. It's disrespectful for her to have the bf there especially if you don't like him AND he's a messy arse, but again, you could lose the childcare however you'd have the higher ground on that one as you're in the right. Multiple reasons can be given for not having him stay over let alone sleeping in your bed.

He used to sometimes lie on my couch at night then for a long time stopped coming over because they had a massive row at Christmas in which he said some horrible nasty things to her, we all told her to leave him but after a week she went back so no one in my family speaks to him now. I pass myself with him because I don't want to rock the boat between me and her. I don't think she'd ever have sex in my house, my bed is very creaky so my kids would wake up easily, plus they live in his grans big house with her so they've no need to be at anything here lol,but yes I think he slept in it, sheets were straight into the wash 🤢

I think you’re gonna have to suck it up as she is doing you a favour, however would it be an option to pay her to clean (not just her stuff but a list of jobs)?

Pay her to clean the pots that she and her boyfriend have used to eat OPs food that she buys in for them? Really?!?!

Yes she’s doing you a favour OP but she should still be respectful of your home

Maybe try a casual "do you mind washing up and throwing the rubbish away before I get back if you have time? I'm usually knackered when I get in". If she kicks off then just accept it if the free and convenient childcare is more important.

No, I said a list of jobs, so if OP could agree for her to clean kitchen, bathroom, vac up, mop floors, strip beds etc, it would include some of her own mess of course but it would also make her more mindful of creating more mess.

Could you just say “I don’t mind you having or eating whatever you want whilst you are here but please can you wash pots after yourself as I’m having to tidy up after a night shift and it’s exhausting!” Surely she wouldn’t ignore that, if someone said that to me (although I’d of cleaned after myself anyway) I’d be extra conscious to leave it clean.

Why don't you pay her something? Then you've got more reason to expect her to tidy

She should already be mindful of making a mess in someone else’s home whether she’s doing a favour or not. It seems unfair on OP that the way to sort this would be to have to pay her to clean.

Free overnight childcare!?? Suck it up! Imagine paying someone to do that, you probably couldn't so you'd have to give up your job. You're SO lucky she's doing this twice a week for free.

Its the price of free childcare. I think you said you've asked her before to be more mindful, and it obviously hasn't worked.

Perhaps reach a compromise and say the bf is no longer allowed over because its twice as much washing up YOU have to do when you get home. If she doesn't get the hint then, you either have to live with it or give her the sack.

Well the simple answer is to pay for your own childcare if your not happy with the free care she provides.

I think you need to suck it up, she is doing you a huge favour. I have only had an overnight cm once ( over 10 years ago) and it cost me £150 then.

I don't think I've ever pondered on a mumsnet thread for so long 😂That is a tough one.
I think, after my long deliberation, that you are just going to have to suck it up. I don't really agree that it is actually free childcare because you are providing her with free food in return BUT she is still doing you a favour and you are still making a massive saving that could be making it possible for you to go to work at all so you're going to have to take the rough with the smooth I think.
Especially because if she stops doing it you really are screwed because it's not even just the money.. where the hell else provides overnight care??

Ultimately she's providing free childcare enabling you to work and earn money for your children and doing you a MASSIVE favour. Should she clean up after herself? Well yes, but in this instance I really think that you are benefiting so much from this arrangement that it would be silly of you to rock the boat to be honest.

I think you can try to say something causally/non confrontationally to see if that helps. ‘Hey, dsis would you mind doing me (another) favour and sticking your washing up in the dishwasher so i can quickly pop it on when I get home please?’

if it doesn’t work though you’ll have to suck it up sadly. It is annoying but one of those things with younger siblings!

Is she a messy person in general? If she acts like this in her own home I don't think there's much you can do (besides ban the boyfriend, yuck). If she's super tidy at home it sounds like she's taking advantage of the situation.

Some of the mess will be just hers, but
presumably a lot of the pots are where she is also cooking for your children? I think you are getting free overnight childcare- I think you take the disaster area your looking after your kids creates or you pay for a professional who will the hold professional standards

We had this with my mother in law; I started to dread coming home from work on her days as I knew it’d be chaos but I never really worked up the nerve to say anything as she ultimately was doing us a favour

I love her but she's very lazy 😅. They don't have their own house, they live in his bedroom and his laziness has rubbed off on her. My mum is constantly on at her because she'll do the same in her hoise, use cups plates etc and leave them in the sink for my mum to wash

“She’s very lazy” …looking after your kids one night a week!!! Well you’re very ungrateful.

I see your point OP. Just her mess, I think you could deal with and just do it yourself. However, if she's having her BF round then there is no excuse for you to be cleaning up both of their mess. Tell her you don't mind tidying up odd bits when you get home, but explain that when she's had her BF over, there is too much mess for you to deal with after a night shift so they either clear it up before you come home or he doesn't come over to keep her company. Just because she is providing free childcare, doesn't mean she can use your home as a hotel when her BF is over too.