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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son was filmed using the toilet at school

203 replies

chrissycn · 15/04/2024 19:05

My 18 year old son is in 6th Form at our local high school. Today he was in a toilet cubicle when a gang of boys came into the room, they started kicking the toilet door, breaking the lock. My son held the door shut with his feet so they pushed a mobile phone through a gap and filmed him on the toilet. He reported it and an investigation has begun using school CCTV outside the toilet. They have narrowed down all the boys there at the time and will take their statements and check their phones.

I want to report this to the police but my son is very hesitant and he wants to leave school to deal with it. WWYD? AIBU to go against my son's wishes and report to the police? For full disclosure he is autistic and mentally younger than 18.

OP posts:
medianewbie · 15/04/2024 20:28

anonhop · 15/04/2024 19:40

Police! Frankly, assuming the boys that did this are 16-18, as a member of the public I don't want them to get away with it & enter the world behaving like that.
The police need to have a record of this so that they can protect people. It's actually doing a service to their future colleagues, friends, course mates etc to report this.

Agree they should be on the sex offenders register. And their parents should be mortified.

Agreed. It's also potentially a hate crime. My ASD Ds was surrounded by 3 'friends' at sports day. They pulled his shorts & pants down in front of kids & parents. He'd had an early puberty. Just Awful. Obviously this is even worse as its been recorded. I'm so sorry OP. I'd email School that you expect Police involvement as it's a hate crime.

soupfiend · 15/04/2024 20:29

LeoTheLeopard · 15/04/2024 20:19

No you’re wrong, it is first and foremost a Police/Criminal matter and the school should (a) know that and (b) be supporting.

Schools are not Fiefdoms where the SMT get to allow violent thugs and predators free reign over children, including vulnerable children, because it suits some warped agenda.

OPs son deserves the same response as you would want for your aged mother.

Show quote history

Its first a school issue because OP said her son didnt want to report to police, hence why its in that order. If OPs son wants to report it now, well thats different.

poetryandwine · 15/04/2024 20:30

@medianewbie I am so sorry for your DS. That is distressing beyond words.

Shootingstars999 · 15/04/2024 20:33

Good idea about an alternative toilet.
is there a disabled toilet in school?

WeShallHaveFogByTeatime · 15/04/2024 20:38

A school has no more rights to look at someone's phone or question them than any of us do. We all have citizens rights to arrest and to prevent a crime.
I'd still contact police but it's obvious you don't want to.

BoneshakerBike · 15/04/2024 20:43

Dacadactyl · 15/04/2024 19:37

For those querying OFSTED...they look at safeguarding procedures. Surely in a college they'd want to be aware of incidents so that they can check procedures during next inspection. Also, if many incidents of a similar sort are reported, I believe it can trigger an inspection.

No they dont. No it doesnt trigger an inspection.
It is not a qualifying complaint.
They will just tell you to go back to the school and go through their policy - they let the LA know as well.

Ofsted have said that they have had enough of parents contacting them
https://educationinspection.blog.gov.uk/2023/08/30/more-parental-complaints-dont-mean-more-inspections/

More parental complaints don’t mean more inspections

   This article was originally published by Schools Week. Recently we’ve noticed a rise in the number of complaints we receive from parents. While parents should be able to complain to Ofsted if they’ve gone through their school’s internal process …

https://educationinspection.blog.gov.uk/2023/08/30/more-parental-complaints-dont-mean-more-inspections/

AngryLikeHades · 15/04/2024 20:47

Christ this is absolutely awful behaviour!!!!! I'm annoyed for you. I hope the school respond responsibly.

Original poster
chrissycn · 15/04/2024 20:59

@medianewbie I'm so sorry to hear that your child has been treated in such a similar way, it's bloody heart breaking.

OP posts:
Hoiugvvv · 15/04/2024 21:13

I Hope your boys ok , this is awful report to police definitely x

MoodyMargaret11 · 15/04/2024 21:22

PrincessTeaSet · 15/04/2024 20:10

Did you miss the fact that they filmed him on the toilet? That's much worse than your example and would be very unlikely to have happened in the 70s.

For the OP's son it's not just a group of boys laughing for a few days it's potentially anyone in the world for an indefinite period, if they spread the video online.

Show quote history

No need to take up such a dismissive tone minimizing @PToosher 's traumatic experience. It's not a bloody competition, she was simply sharing a similar experience and who are you to say such crimes didn't happen in the 70's. There may not have been smart phones back then, but the mentality of these arseholes is exactly the same.

Newname71 · 15/04/2024 21:35

I would try and persuade your son to report it to the police. As other PP’s have said school are likely to sweep it under the carpet. Different issue but when DS2 was in college one of his friends had a brother with ASD in the year above. He was bullied on a daily basis, called a retard etc. It was never dealt with. Then one day DS(who has ADHD) exploded and threatened the ringleader. DS got into a whole load of trouble, he’s left there now. The poor lad is still being bullied.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 15/04/2024 21:43

Please report to Police, this is extreme bullying and unlawful intimate recording of a disabled person. I'm not sure of the crime but the Police will advise. Hope you're all OK, how horrible for him. What are the school doing to protect him and others.

UndertheCedartree · 15/04/2024 21:46

Your poor DS. I can't believe things like that are happening at 6th form! I'd not want my DS to go back.

UndertheCedartree · 15/04/2024 21:46

And yes, report to the police.

poetryandwine · 15/04/2024 21:51

OP,

Ofsted guidance says that when they do inspect they will consider all cases open with the Police, children’s services and social care, and the local authority. So in your shoes I would inform Ofsted directly of any case you open ( and any case you close out). I wouldn’t necessarily trust the school to do this for you.

WhatJodiDid · 15/04/2024 21:56

This is first and foremost a school issue, second a police matter if the adult victim wants to report it. I would be surprised if the police do anything with it but that shouldnt stop repoting because there needs to be a record of the report on the perpetrators' PNC

If it happened in the toilets of a shop or offices, it would of course be a police matter. This is no different. And the police should be the first port of call, filming someone in the toilet is a crime.

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/04/2024 22:02

WearyAuldWumman · 15/04/2024 19:55

I agree on both counts.

OP, I'm a retired HoD/Faculty Head (Scottish state secondary). In my experience, the school might do very little. In order to protect your son, you need to go go to the police.

  1. Someone could be disseminating images of your son.

2)Given your son's ASD, this could well constitute a hate crime.

Show quote history

This.

If they are aware your son is autistic it's a hate crime.

Please report to the police.

stayathomer · 15/04/2024 22:04

Your poor son

Gettingonmygoat · 15/04/2024 22:05

Involve the Police, at18 years of age these are adults not children.

Nicole1111 · 15/04/2024 22:11

If he’s being targeted and they don’t do this to everyone, which I’m assuming they don’t, this is a hate crime. If your son wants to avoid the police perhaps give the school a chance to show they are taking it seriously. It won’t hurt though to ask the school how the fact it was a hate crime factors in to their investigation and if they have considered the criminal aspect of the boy’s actions.

Startingagain100 · 15/04/2024 22:11

God this is awful. Sorry OP. Does your son recognise the seriousness of this? How communicative is he?

namemane · 15/04/2024 22:12

You always have the option to report something of this nature or violence directly to the police - whatever the school says. They may say they have done so already - nothing to stop you doing so additionally.

As a teacher I used to tell this to my pupils - ones who thought casual violence/bullying/inappropriate behaviour was 'just messing' that parents had the right to go legal, bypass a school wrist slap/day of exclusion etc.

Some would be smart alecs and tell me that a conviction would be spent after a period of time. Petty shoplifting maybe but not crimes against the person, be they violent or sexual. Records like this are permanent and may have to be disclosed in job applications/rule out some careers.

So do what you think is best for your son - he may not want the immediate fuss and bother - but it may be best for him long term if you take things further.

Hope it all works out ok for him.

RheaRend · 15/04/2024 22:13

poetryandwine · 15/04/2024 20:03

OP, this is awful and I am so sorry for your DS. I am very glad for what you have done so far.

I do think the school’s plans sound rather feeble. For that reason I would give the school a short while to act, and then report to Ofsted if the outcome is not satisfactory. As your DS is 18 I think the decision about going to the police must be his. If you can make him see that by doing so he is helping to prevent further crimes, would that motivate him?

Very best wishes to DS

No this is appalling advice. He is not responsible for the future behaviour of perpetrators. Putting that pressure on him is awful and will harm the victim more.

Castleview6 · 15/04/2024 22:16

BodyKeepingScore · 15/04/2024 19:27

Ofsted? Do you actually know what Ofsteds function is?

Show quote history

Yes. A qualifying complaint to OFSTED for safeguarding can trigger an unannounced inspection to check safeguarding at a school. Even without triggering an inspection the local authority/ MAT/ school will receive notification of the compliant. Safeguarding is the primary area of all inspections.

User1979289 · 15/04/2024 22:17

It's utterly horrendous and also incredibly weird. Imagine being told you child had been involved in bullying a child - that is bad enough but the utterly disgusting nature of filming him in the toilet adds another level that makes it important to report IMO. I am so sorry OP, that is awful.

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