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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel pissed off at DH comment

135 replies

Claphamandeggs · 15/04/2024 17:12

Context is DH and I are on the rocks and have been on/off for just under a year. About to start marriage counselling - so my perspective may be off.

DH never remembers people's birthdays or dates really. I've been at work all day, while looking after 4 year old (inset day at school) at home (didn't book it off) and had to do a million and one things, (haircut for kid, take older one to after school class) - all while pretending to be on it with work and emails

I spotted on FB that it was FIL birthday. I messaged DH at 3pm today saying "Just FYI it's your dads birthday today".

DH got home and said "no much use doing the helpful wife thing on 3pm on the day". He said it a little light-heartend but also not so much. I said "well i thought you could at least send him a message" - he said "well, it's a bit rubbish isn't it, just made me feel bad, if you're going totry to be helpful like that try a couple of days before next time". I said "come on" and he pulled the "only messing about chill out" line.

Would this wind you something silly? I didn't say anything but feel fuming. We are meant to be trying to fix thigns and things like thist just make me feel like pulling the plug. Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:

DanceMove · 15/04/2024 17:14

I'd have punched him. He's actually blaming you for not picking up his slack promptly enough for him to look like an in any way adequate son, like you get nul points for not getting your wifework in two days early.

FakeMiddleton · 15/04/2024 17:15

Jesus, he's well out of order

HOWEVER, why are you being his PA? Not your father, not your problem. Now you know never to bother mentioning this date ever again. Don't take on his mental load - and especially not if DH is going to be an ungrateful prick.

Knittedfairies2 · 15/04/2024 17:15

That's the last time I'd be 'helpful'. Why is it your job to remember his dad's birthday?

MILTOBE · 15/04/2024 17:15

What a prick. Seriously, does he realise how he comes across?

Next time, I wouldn't remind him of anything. Though frankly if I had the money I'd be considering my options.

70sdisco24 · 15/04/2024 17:16

So it’s your fault you reminded him?!

piglet81 · 15/04/2024 17:17

OMG he sounds like a nightmare.

shepherdsangeldelight · 15/04/2024 17:20

I think you need to be clear about boundaries. Either you are responsible for reminding him about important dates (I totally agree that you shouldn't have to be, but I can see that this might be the agreement in some families) in which case you dropped the ball, or it's not your job to remind him, in which case don't.

it is however, not DH's fault that you chose not to take the day off and ended up busy and stressed trying to look after your 4 year old as well.

Greywitch2 · 15/04/2024 17:20

He's a prick. He didn't bother remember his own father's birthday and he's pissed off that you've made him feel bad by reminding him of it - but NOT EARLY ENOUGH?

I think your marriage is done, love. There isn't enough counselling in the world that can fix 'entitled twat syndrome'.

Thedogscollar · 15/04/2024 17:20

That would seriously piss me off.

BaronessBomburst · 15/04/2024 17:21

If that's how he generally speaks to you and treats you, don't bother with the counselling.
You gave him the chance to send a message/ organise something and he was rude, patronising, and blamed you for his ineptitude.
Actually, he clearly doesn't care about his father either or he would have phoned him.

BabySnarkDoDoo · 15/04/2024 17:21

Yeah that's shit of him. Even if he's not the best with dates, technology makes it so easy to set reminders. It's pure laziness on his part and blaming you allows him to avoid taking responsibility.

Floofydawg · 15/04/2024 17:23

Knittedfairies2 · 15/04/2024 17:15

That's the last time I'd be 'helpful'. Why is it your job to remember his dad's birthday?

Yeah, just don't tell him next time. Not your job to do his thinking for him.

BettyShagter · 15/04/2024 17:23

You sent your own message to your FIL though, yes?

Ignore your DP, he's being a prick.

HoHoHoliday · 15/04/2024 17:25

He has presumed you knew about the birthday but only reminded him late in the day? It sounds like you missed out the key detail to him which was that you only realised when you saw it on facebook.

Your message to him could have said something like "Just FYI I've just seen on facebook it's your dad's birthday today, have you got time to call him or shall I call from both of us?"

Equally, his response to you could have been "thanks for flagging that up, I'd completely forgotten it was dad's birthday, I'd better call him, better late than never."

You are both snapping at each other, overreacting, over-sensitively reading more than is there. Hopefully the upcoming counselling will help you both communicate with each other better.

And you could get a shared calendar for remembering people's birthdays and other important events!

Foxblue · 15/04/2024 17:25

It's not your job to remind him of his own father's birthday.
I don't care if he's 'crap at dates' he was texting you off a phone he could set a reminder on.
I don't care if you've always done it so he expects you to do it.
I don't care if he's got undiagnosed adhd and struggles with these things, because it's still not okay to be an arsehole to you about you not doing something that HE SHOULD BE IM CHARGE OF HIMSELF!
How dare he, honestly. What a dick.

YeahComeOnThen · 15/04/2024 17:28

Pull the plug & stick it up his arse!

DanceMove · 15/04/2024 17:28

HoHoHoliday · 15/04/2024 17:25

He has presumed you knew about the birthday but only reminded him late in the day? It sounds like you missed out the key detail to him which was that you only realised when you saw it on facebook.

Your message to him could have said something like "Just FYI I've just seen on facebook it's your dad's birthday today, have you got time to call him or shall I call from both of us?"

Equally, his response to you could have been "thanks for flagging that up, I'd completely forgotten it was dad's birthday, I'd better call him, better late than never."

You are both snapping at each other, overreacting, over-sensitively reading more than is there. Hopefully the upcoming counselling will help you both communicate with each other better.

And you could get a shared calendar for remembering people's birthdays and other important events!

The OP was doing her DH a favour by reminding him. She doesn't need to pussyfoot around explaining that she's only just found out about the birthday in case he blames her (as he did!) for not telling him sooner!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/04/2024 17:28

Being a helpful wife, you could point out that he has a magic tool in his hand that lets him set reminders years in advance. After that, you're done - and any comments about future dates 'That's what you've got a phone for' (shrug).

Maray1967 · 15/04/2024 17:29

Mine would seriously regret it if he said that.

I’ve had to train him not to assume I’m dealing with his side of the family. I’ll sort out the kids’ birthdays (only 2) but adults are his responsibility. I hold him that there will be no more reminders of those. He had the last one last year - cue quick dash into town to sort out his DM’s 80th.

I have reminded him that my DB does our side, not my SIL. I’m well impressed by SIL who sorted that out from the start.

Iloveacurry · 15/04/2024 17:30

He should remember it himself, instead of being passive aggressive with you.

YeahComeOnThen · 15/04/2024 17:30

HoHoHoliday · 15/04/2024 17:25

He has presumed you knew about the birthday but only reminded him late in the day? It sounds like you missed out the key detail to him which was that you only realised when you saw it on facebook.

Your message to him could have said something like "Just FYI I've just seen on facebook it's your dad's birthday today, have you got time to call him or shall I call from both of us?"

Equally, his response to you could have been "thanks for flagging that up, I'd completely forgotten it was dad's birthday, I'd better call him, better late than never."

You are both snapping at each other, overreacting, over-sensitively reading more than is there. Hopefully the upcoming counselling will help you both communicate with each other better.

And you could get a shared calendar for remembering people's birthdays and other important events!

@HoHoHoliday
Equally HE could remember his own Dads Birthday or get organised with his own fucking calendar.

JFC

londonloves · 15/04/2024 17:30

If you don't leave him for this, and all it represents about how he views you, this should at the very least be the absolute LAST TIME EVER that you remind him about anything to do with his family or do a single piece of life admin for him. Fucker. I'd have been furious. I am furiuos on your behalf. And the "helpful wife thing" comment - what a condescending dick.

Janetime · 15/04/2024 17:30

wow, I can see why you’re off, but not the on. What a dickhead.

SabreIsMyFave · 15/04/2024 17:31

What an arsehole. No wonder you're having marriage issues. I know many men do love to blame anyone else but themselves for anything that goes wrong/doesn't go their way (and the wife is often blamed the most for things that are NOT her fault...) But there's no WAY it was your fault. It is his dad not yours. Fecking eejit!

Janetime · 15/04/2024 17:32

HoHoHoliday · 15/04/2024 17:25

He has presumed you knew about the birthday but only reminded him late in the day? It sounds like you missed out the key detail to him which was that you only realised when you saw it on facebook.

Your message to him could have said something like "Just FYI I've just seen on facebook it's your dad's birthday today, have you got time to call him or shall I call from both of us?"

Equally, his response to you could have been "thanks for flagging that up, I'd completely forgotten it was dad's birthday, I'd better call him, better late than never."

You are both snapping at each other, overreacting, over-sensitively reading more than is there. Hopefully the upcoming counselling will help you both communicate with each other better.

And you could get a shared calendar for remembering people's birthdays and other important events!

Wtaf, why should she call him. She’s not a]his secretary. I’m assuming you’re male?

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