To feel pissed off at DH comment

[Claphamandeggs]

Context is DH and I are on the rocks and have been on/off for just under a year. About to start marriage counselling - so my perspective may be off.

DH never remembers people's birthdays or dates really. I've been at work all day, while looking after 4 year old (inset day at school) at home (didn't book it off) and had to do a million and one things, (haircut for kid, take older one to after school class) - all while pretending to be on it with work and emails

I spotted on FB that it was FIL birthday. I messaged DH at 3pm today saying "Just FYI it's your dads birthday today".

DH got home and said "no much use doing the helpful wife thing on 3pm on the day". He said it a little light-heartend but also not so much. I said "well i thought you could at least send him a message" - he said "well, it's a bit rubbish isn't it, just made me feel bad, if you're going totry to be helpful like that try a couple of days before next time". I said "come on" and he pulled the "only messing about chill out" line.

Would this wind you something silly? I didn't say anything but feel fuming. We are meant to be trying to fix thigns and things like thist just make me feel like pulling the plug. Or am I overreacting?

We haven't booked counselling actually as I said he needs to organise it because I do so much but also because he will be skeptical about the therapist if I find them! And guess what....Still nothing booked despite us agreeing 3 weeks ago we needed to if we were to stand a chance!

That would tell me hhow little he cares. Sorry he's like this.

@betterangels he doesnt want us to split. He was sobbing and sobbing a few weeks back when I said it felt like only option

I thought maybe I was over reacting. Maybe should let comments wash over me a little more. I do let myself get upset when I don't think he's trying to be horrible

Put your counselling money towards a solicitor instead OP.

Don't waste another minute of your life dealing with this shit.

All the energy you're spending on feeling enraged by him, trying to "make it work", wondering if you're right/wrong - it's all wasted.

Use your energy instead to move towards freedom and light. When that burden lifts, your life will start anew.

as he says he finds it upsetting

He's conditioning you to do what he wants.

But he says I need to try to be "less sensitive"

As above. He's training you in what you can and cannot say and do.

Does he ever take responsibility for anything?

Please be careful about the couples counselling. Hopefully, if you do go, your counsellor will be experienced enough to recognise this kind of relationship and help you

My ex used to do all the ‘just messing’ or ‘it was a joke, can’t you take a joke?’ comments if I ever pulled him up on his unreasonable behaviour. It left my confidence in tatters and I constantly doubted myself.

In the end he slept with someone else so I didn’t have to make the decision to walk away but I often wonder why I put up with it for so long. Looking back it’s because of the subtle way he kept making the comments. It was definitely gaslighting (before that word was around).

Now married to a man who is quite straight forward! Says what he thinks and isn’t afraid to apologise if he gets it wrong. You don’t have to put up with this.

he doesnt want us to split. He was sobbing and sobbing a few weeks back when I said it felt like only option

He sounds very manipulative.

I’m really sorry to hear this - it must be so frustrating and heartbreaking for you. To be honest for me in your position it would be cards on the table and I’d be saying I’m calling one of two people in the morning: a therapist or a solicitor.

If you both have something to fight for; for each other, not just the kids or house, actually because you love each other then maybe short term therapy can break through. But if you know deep down this isn’t going to get better then I’d tend to agree with the other posters and say you deserve to be happy and not second guessing yourself and how your mood is taken and frazzling out over petty stuff everyday. You’re allowed to be sensitive about your own life and you’re allowed to be upset about thing without shouldering all the blame.

Entitled Twat Syndrome sums it up nicely.

What a dickhead.

Sorry OP but I think it's a lost cause!

He's sobbing about splitting up the family, but in three weeks hasn't bothered to make an appointment with a marriage counsellor to try and fix it?

What HAS he done to fix the marriage?

You are both snapping at each other, overreacting, over-sensitively reading more than is there. Hopefully the upcoming counselling will help you both communicate with each other better

@HoHoHoliday you are completely wrong. you do realise that sometimes things are just one persons fault? He's completely in the wrong here. Unequivocally. She is not overreacting, or being over sensitive. So far she hasn't reacted at all. What's your agenda to make this her fault too? And this

Your message to him could have said something like "Just FYI I've just seen on facebook it's your dad's birthday today, have you got time to call him or shall I call from both of us?

While she is working, looking after children, doing drop offs, haircuts, life admin, are you for real? Maybe she should have offered to wipe his arse as well?

Fuck that!!! Who does he think he is!

Do not remind him of anything. Natural consequences of being a fuck faced douche wagon.

Yes I'd be very annoyed. When DH says annoying things like this, I like to just not reply - so that the stupid thing he said are the last words spoken, hanging in the air. Perhaps a sceptical, mildly questioning look on my face as I watch him realise he's been a pratt. Doesn't happen often.

Well, I'd say this is a sign of the much bigger problems. He can say he's "just messing about" all he likes. But even in this short bit of info you've provided, it's clear that the issue here is that he expects you to do everythig from both a practical, mental and emotional level and is pissed off when he is asked to step up. And you are naturally exhuasted by that because let's face it, when we get married we don't expect that to mean we're now a 24/7 mum and PA to a perfectly capable adult.

To give you some context, if DH forgot his dads birthday and I reminded him at 3pm, his response would be, "Oh shit, I forgot. thank you sooo much for the reminder. Calling him right now. Shall i suggest we take him out for dinner next week as a belated celebration?"

@GingerIsBest I can't ever imagine him saying something like that. Ever

MIL reminds him it's FIL birthday. FIL reminds him it's MIL birthday. He still never buys a card or has ever taken anyone out for dinner. Instead he seems grumpy and annoyed but somehow with everyone else! They spend a ton on us and our kids (and they're pretty skint pensioners)

I booked an anniversary meal for us in this fancy pub near us in a couple of weeks and he started going on about how pubs can't be fancy and what a waste of money. Just feel totally glum about it all.

I don't blame you for being completely worn down by it. Lack of respect. Lack of care and concern. I think these are things that cause relationships to fail miserably.

He’s a knob - but I get it as I always send the cards for both families and buy presents - wish I’d never started as it’s just expected now.

Tell him you've cancelled the fancy meal and you're going to spend the money on the divorce instead.

You are asking for sooooooo little from this man and he's still not giving anything to your relationship; what's the point?

I hope you're going to cancel the anniversary booking; let him find an alternative. If he doesn't, you'll at least know where you stand.

@GingerIsBest he said in our big heart to heart 3 weeks ago "I just can't believe you're thinking about calling it quits over things like admin and cleaning". I explained its exactly that - lack of respect and care. He said he understood and then bam...here we are again with a telling off I'm not reminding him of things with enough notice!

Yes I'd be annoyed and upset. It's up to him to remember his dads birthday

He's a twat and he only said that because he felt guilty.
But you're not helping yourself by reminding him because you're setting the expectation in him that its "your" job.
Stop reminding him. Not your problem at all.

I like my FIL, he's never been anything but lovely to me, welcoming me into the family, introducing other (obscure) relatives and so on. Been married to his son c30 years.

Haven't a fucking clue when his birthday is, not a scooby. Why would I need to? DH knows it and arranges card/present accordingly. And gives me some warning if he is planning to arrange a lunch/dinner etc.

First step, tell him you don’t know how your relationship can survive when you’re more of a mother than a lover to him because you end up parenting him. Second step make a massive list of all the tasks you do, then a teeny tiny list of the tasks he does, and ask him to take half of your list and add it to his. Maybe then he’ll start realising how much you do and how unsexy this parent child dynamic is.

Well, then I hope he gets his act together and books some counselling. Because from the outside, it looks like he just can't be bothered. And yes, as PP said: manipulative.

He even has you basically now agreeing that you should be less sensitive.

I haven’t read all the comments so someone may have posted this already but this blog post sprang to mind…
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

yanbu about his comment. He sounds insufferable. I’d be telling him no more reminding full stop.