To feel pissed off at DH comment

[Claphamandeggs]

Context is DH and I are on the rocks and have been on/off for just under a year. About to start marriage counselling - so my perspective may be off.

DH never remembers people's birthdays or dates really. I've been at work all day, while looking after 4 year old (inset day at school) at home (didn't book it off) and had to do a million and one things, (haircut for kid, take older one to after school class) - all while pretending to be on it with work and emails

I spotted on FB that it was FIL birthday. I messaged DH at 3pm today saying "Just FYI it's your dads birthday today".

DH got home and said "no much use doing the helpful wife thing on 3pm on the day". He said it a little light-heartend but also not so much. I said "well i thought you could at least send him a message" - he said "well, it's a bit rubbish isn't it, just made me feel bad, if you're going totry to be helpful like that try a couple of days before next time". I said "come on" and he pulled the "only messing about chill out" line.

Would this wind you something silly? I didn't say anything but feel fuming. We are meant to be trying to fix thigns and things like thist just make me feel like pulling the plug. Or am I overreacting?

Yanbu to feel annoyed but yabu to be his personal assistant unless you like doing that. He's an adult he can sort out presents and cards for his family. They don't get them? Not your problem.

I'm so sorry.

You sound run ragged trying to do the right thing, second guessing every move and he sounds like whatever you du is not good enough.

He reminds me of my ex husband who was "just joking" - but actually gas lighting, who accused me of being "transactional" when I was just trying to be fair, and then always saw the bad in what I was trying to do instead of the good.

I remember watching a YouTube video about Love and the psychologist said that love was always assuming the best about the other person (including their intentions).

What you say about your husband makes me think he is always blaming others (you) and being the victim and never assuming the best of you.

Good luck... And hugs... It's exhausting...

Sorry actually commenting again because he has wound me right the fuck up. Babe you’re asking a man to change his personality. yes he understaaaands when you threaten to leave - of course he does! If you walk away from him what does that say about him? He’s not going to let that happen so he appeases you. Temporarily. Because nobody can change their personality.

can I hazard a guess? During the first bit of your relationship he was great. Then over the years he’s become lazy and complacent. But if you actually think about it and allow yourself to admit it he’s manipulative. He does something wrong, and when you react you’re the one starting the argument? He says something rude and when you get upset he tells you you’re always too sensitive. When he lets you down, somehow it always gets turned back to how you’re making him feel bad. he’s gaslighting you and you’re going to waste your time hoping therapy is going to somehow make him see the light and make him stop gaslighting you because it should and could be so easy! But he won’t. It’s a personality. Honestly just go do better. Being by yourself is better than being lonely while youre walking on eggshells in your own home.

Urgh he sounds awful. Time to call it a day. Actions speak louder than words and he's failed to book a restaurant for your anniversary, failed to sort out counselling and his answer to you helpfully pointing out his dads birthday is to berate you. No thanks!

I've only read the OP.

I would've chosen violence.

The poster who said that he sounds like a nightmare, is spot on.

Wtf?

Shall she call? Is she his secretary?

I promise I'm not laughing at you OP but this really made me laugh.

And I completely agree. Time to start getting things in order x

I don't even feel defensive or upset at the comments about him being a twat. I agree! It was bad for a long time but then it really felt we had turned a corner. I get it @Devonshiregal though you're right I'm not sure he's going to change. He wasn't like this at the start no. Splitting is totally totally shit though. Feel so sad.

It sounds like you need to be 100% clear. As in, "DH, we are breaking up, because your lack of kindness and respect has worn me down. I no longer see you as a husband, but as a child who I have to look after. This is not attractive to me and it does not feel like a partnership. When I raised this before, you said you would like to try counselling to see if we can resolve things, and I agreed to this. However, weeks have passed and you've done nothing towards this. Therefore, I can only conclude that it is not important to you. So we're done."

Don't back down. If he wanted to try to save the marriage, he would have organised counselling and made an effort to show you he cares. Instead he just cried and decided that would be just enough to keep you ticking over.

It's possible that he will suddenly decide to step up and do what you've asked. Then it's up to you whether you're willing to try again.

God he sounds unbearable. Just tell the selfish arsehole to leave.

^^this

I'm not trying to say you have to end your marriage if you don't want to, OP. Just that your needs and boundaries are very basic and not things you can compromise on. Being respected, being treated as an equal partner etc - those are non-negotiables in any relationship. So you need to be 100% clear on that. If he hears that and wants to make some big changes in his behaviour then it's up to you how willing you are to let him try. If you decide to stay with him when nothing changes, it might keep you married, but again, that depends on what you are willing to tolerate.

That is so pathetic of him. I think it’s time to call it. ‘You know how we talked about calling it a day since I don’t feel respected or valued? I don’t think I have it in me to wait for you to make any kind of effort, it’s been weeks already. I am never going to remind you about your parents birthdays again to be told I didn’t try hard enough, i am never going to take you out to dinner again so you can shit all over my efforts, I am going to see a solicitor and dream about being free of the endless criticism.’

He isn't being a team. I messaged dh he forgot his dad birthday and he was like oh crap I will grab something after work and nip over then messaged again asking if I could pick up x and he would pick up z.

He shouldn't be apportioning blame for his own failings

Hes starting to sound like a narcissist now. No responsibility or accountability, permanent victim mentality, total lack of.empathy in respect of how you feel/what you need.

I am sorry . This is really reminding me of those , "what was the straw that broke the camels back" threads. If and when you end it he's going to be totally bemused that you "over reacted massively" to him forgetting his father's birthday.... but its not. That's just the final straw.

Even supposing it was your* responsibility to remind him, the fact he doesn't buy gifts or cards mean he only needs to know on the day sometime before bed on the day so he can text or call. So he just used this as a way of taking out his nasty mood out on you. There's absolutely no reason for him to behave this way and as I say to my kids it's only a joke or only messing about if the person who's the subject joke/messing about finds it funny/is fine with it. Otherwise its just a BS excuse for bullies and people behaving inappropriately.

*its not of course

Simple truth is that he doesn't want to change anything, he just wants you to change and put up with him. The sobbing is textbook emotional manipulation, he does it because it works. You need to state your demands and stick to your guns. Empty threats to leave won't work if you're not willing to go through with it - he'll see right through it.

Feel like crap this morning. He was up until 1am on youtube next to me in bed so couldn't get to sleep. He did call his dad last night and wish him happy birthday. His dad even reminds me him 2 days before when it's mothers day - a day that has ads on the TV for weeks on end - and he still doesn't send anything. He's 45.

You're all right probably he isn't goign to change - he doesn't see anything wrong with his parents reminding him of things.

He said yesterday "I've sorted counselling" (he could sense me being pissed off) and then turned out he'd just found some website in america. Hadn't emailed or called anyone. Just found a website.

I wouldn't mind doing stuff for him if he finds this stuff so hard. But he is so grumpy and difficult about it all. If i do stuff i get blamed anyway. that is why i refuse to find a therapist because he will blame me if she/he says something he disagrees with.

This man fucks me right off, and I don't even know him. Imagine the selfishness of keeping your wife up because you're a grown man fucking around on YT. Ugh.

I'll stop commenting. But I hope you decide you deserve more.

Would you consider a trial separation, whilst you go through counselling? Will show him how serious you are / or make you realise there is more to life than being this mans PA / skivvy etc,.

@Claphamandeggs

Context is DH and I are on the rocks and have been on/off for just under a year. About to start marriage counselling - so my perspective may be off.

To be honest, given this first sentence of your OP, followed the narky, hurtful way he says things to you, I would start discreetly researching how you'd cope, financially, without this carbuncle in your daily life, AKA get your ducks in a row.

You don't have to instantly act on getting separated/divorced but getting your facts together may make you feel less hopeless, more in control than you are currently feeling. Having that knowledge of

• what equity you have in the home,
• cash in the bank and long term investments (both your pensions, not just yours),
• what accommodation you could afford to buy/mortgage
• whether or not you'd be entitled to benefits (check www.entitled to.co.uk), rebate from your council tax (25% single occupier discount).
• what child maintenance you'd be entitled to (check calculator online CMS or gov.uk websites)

Also speak to Citizens Advice or have a session with a family law solicitor so you have the facts.

He's really not serious, as you've seen, in sorting out the disconnect between how your relationship is and what it should be. He barely pays lip service, only half heartedly going through the motions if he sees you getting upset or withdrawn so he can maintain the status quo.

You deserve better than you've got. 🌹

He said yesterday "I've sorted counselling" (he could sense me being pissed off) and then turned out he'd just found some website in america. Hadn't emailed or called anyone. Just found a website.

what did he say when you pointed out it was just a website?

Pointless American website. What a fool.

I would be putting the money you've earmarked for counselling towards a divorce.

You might be trying hard to not be pass agg etc but he certainly isn't! The fact that you're seemingly afraid to speak up about his behaviour says it all to me.

As a PP said, ducks in a row. He will never change.