To feel pissed off at DH comment

[Claphamandeggs]

Context is DH and I are on the rocks and have been on/off for just under a year. About to start marriage counselling - so my perspective may be off.

DH never remembers people's birthdays or dates really. I've been at work all day, while looking after 4 year old (inset day at school) at home (didn't book it off) and had to do a million and one things, (haircut for kid, take older one to after school class) - all while pretending to be on it with work and emails

I spotted on FB that it was FIL birthday. I messaged DH at 3pm today saying "Just FYI it's your dads birthday today".

DH got home and said "no much use doing the helpful wife thing on 3pm on the day". He said it a little light-heartend but also not so much. I said "well i thought you could at least send him a message" - he said "well, it's a bit rubbish isn't it, just made me feel bad, if you're going totry to be helpful like that try a couple of days before next time". I said "come on" and he pulled the "only messing about chill out" line.

Would this wind you something silly? I didn't say anything but feel fuming. We are meant to be trying to fix thigns and things like thist just make me feel like pulling the plug. Or am I overreacting?

I had conversations like this with my ex for 3 years. Three extra years of my life wasted trying to save something with someone who was never going to change and ultimately just made all the right noises to prevent me calling it a day.

I am so much happier on my own and he still doesn't think of anyone but himself, but now I don't have to live with it.

I'd be so fucked off with "I'm only joking, chill out" I think I'd have lost it at that point..

He didn't bother remember his own father's birthday and he's pissed off that you've made him feel bad by reminding him of it - but NOT EARLY ENOUGH?

If you ever get to your first session, bring this up, plus all the other life admin stuff which always falls to you because he can’t be arsed, including not getting round to booking counselling!

No way I’d be pussy footing round asking a grown man ‘if they have time’ to phone their Dad on his birthday!

No wonder he is annoyed with you - you failed in your marital duty!

I used to remind my OH about his family's birthdays etc. and gently nudge him when he had not contacted them for a long time. Then I thought - fuck it - why am I doing this? So I stopped.

He sounds awful! I would never remind him of anything ever again

@Octomama Yes, to answer your question, I do realise sometimes things are just one person's fault. But I also realise sometimes things are no one's "fault", and in this case, as I explained in my post, I think this is two people not communicating well with each other, and I encouraged the counselling to help with that. I gave an example of how each of them could have phrased their comments differently, though you've chosen to only quote one of them.
The OP asked for opinions and I gave mine. You don't need to argue with comments on a thread because you don't agree with them. That's the purpose of these threads - to get different views.

I couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t even buy his parents a birthday card. They sound so lovely too.
He’s a selfish, thoughtless miserly tightwad.

Well you definitely need counselling because this relationship has soured for sure.

Is it possible for you to try to not get dragged into the small things like this and keep the pressure on to get a therapist.

This all sounds horrible and a deeply unpleasant way to live. I hope counselling shows you a way through either together or by agreeing to separate.

I can relate though. Myself and DH were like this years ago. We got a lot of help and came through it and have a strong happy marriage. I look back now though and know that if we had split I would have been happier than I was with him when we were so unhappy together.

Good luck, I hope things get better.

Yeah just don't remind him next time

As demonstrated, it's not worth it

He’s absolutely pathetic and blaming you simply because it deflects attention from him being a really shitty son who can’t even remember his father’s birthday. Not your job. Next time, let him forget.

A man wrote a piece called She left me over the washing up. I suggest he reads that. Then you leave him anyway.

Causing issues isn’t a thing. The issues are there because he makes them. Noticing them isn’t causing them.

@Claphamandeggs "Dh I am giving you 3 days notice that I am going to consult with a lawyer. I see I am wasting my life trying to be in a partnership."

So, passive-aggressive, making digs that he can then deny were digs.

"he doesnt want us to split. He was sobbing and sobbing a few weeks back when I said it felt like only option"
And manipulative to boot. If he genuinely doesn't want you to split, he'd have booked the counselling session by now.

I'd be giving him a time-limit. If he still hasn't booked counselling in two weeks time, you will accept that actually he is not interested in saving your marriage at all and you will start divorce proceedings.

In the meantime, every claim of "only messing about" would be responded to with "No. You weren't. Have you booked the counselling yet?"

He sounds exhausting. And a twat. In fact, I'd be scouting for a good divorce lawyer ASAP - it looks inevitable.

What @BirthdayRainbow said. It's not that he doesn't do the dishes, the "little thing"; it's the constant disregard for her request for him to do something.

It's like when men say "urgh stop nagging me"

Well, I wouldn't have to fucking nag if you just copped the fuck on and did it the first time, would I?!

“and that dear reader, was the last time anyone in my husband’s family every received a card, message or gift for any occasion.”

No more reminders. It’s not your job to maintain his relationships because he can’t be bothered to keep a diary.

This is what I thought of, too.

Sorry, OP. He sounds like a twat. No one wants to be married to someone who acts like an entitled child.

I won't be reminding him again. But feel sad it's come to this. That I can spot its FIL birthday and I deliberately won't mention it. Doesn't feel much like a partnership.

I booked anniversary dinner because I've always said I wanted him to make more effort...a night out or dinner...and he said "well I could flip it round and ask why don't you take me out" so I thought OK, sure, ill be positive and book something a bit special and he seems so negative about it.

But he sobs and clings to me...I love you I love you, you're my whole life and so on every time we get close to calling it a day.

He's clearly in a mood tonight. Often when he feels rubbish about himself he gets mad. He stormed off downstairs as DS wouldn't get out the bath!

"Well I could flip it around..."

Oh fuck off, DH. What a poor response. In the time it took him to be defensive and pass agg and unhelpful, he could have gone on OpenTable.

He wants to blame, not fix.

Helpful wife? Motivation coming from being a commiserating Daughter-In-Law, instead. This reaction looks like he's centring himself even when it should be about his Dad.

Oh gosh, this hit home for me:

'But he sobs and clings to me...I love you I love you, you're my whole life and so on every time we get close to calling it a day.'

My ex was the same, when I tried to break up with him the first time. He never wanted to spend any time with me, resented any effort he had to put into the relationship, but seemed genuinely heartbroken when I tried to call it off. I let it drag on for another couple of months, them finally split with him, got the same response again. I asked him 'what do you love about me' and got a confused face with 'I just love you'. When I pressed him, his answers were all about him, or other people. 'I love how well you get on with my mum' 'I love how you look after me and encourage me' - he couldn't give me one thing that was about just me - my ambition, my humour, nothing like that.

He went round for months telling everyone how heartbroken he was. I later discovered he'd texted an ex 3 days after we broke up and they'd started shagging, while he was still crying to his friends about me.

I honestly think he was only upset because society has trained us that breakups are upsetting. I really don't understand how he could be upset to lose me - he didn't want to spend any time with me! He wasn't nice to me!

Sorry, your story has just hit a chord. If he can't even take half an hour to sort out therapy, you clearly aren't, even though you've been clear it's at crisis point, even on his priority list. You deserve better.

It’s his dad’s birthday

he should be ashamed of himself

@Claphamandeggs dont you dare “help” him again.

stupid prick that he is.

Not just for making him look like a bad son because she didn’t inform him early enough for him to contact his dad, but also for being horrible enough to point out it was his father’s birthday AT ALL when she realised it was already 3pm because obviously that would just make him feel bad. Poor sod having such an inconsiderate wife. Honestly I think I’d advise him to take a pass on the marriage counselling and spend the money on a secretary who actually does her job properly.

He’s a prick. Maybe instead of relying on you to be the ‘helpful wife’ he could be the ‘helpful son’ and remember his own dad’s birthday. He sounds completely useless