To feel pissed off at DH comment

[Claphamandeggs]

Context is DH and I are on the rocks and have been on/off for just under a year. About to start marriage counselling - so my perspective may be off.

DH never remembers people's birthdays or dates really. I've been at work all day, while looking after 4 year old (inset day at school) at home (didn't book it off) and had to do a million and one things, (haircut for kid, take older one to after school class) - all while pretending to be on it with work and emails

I spotted on FB that it was FIL birthday. I messaged DH at 3pm today saying "Just FYI it's your dads birthday today".

DH got home and said "no much use doing the helpful wife thing on 3pm on the day". He said it a little light-heartend but also not so much. I said "well i thought you could at least send him a message" - he said "well, it's a bit rubbish isn't it, just made me feel bad, if you're going totry to be helpful like that try a couple of days before next time". I said "come on" and he pulled the "only messing about chill out" line.

Would this wind you something silly? I didn't say anything but feel fuming. We are meant to be trying to fix thigns and things like thist just make me feel like pulling the plug. Or am I overreacting?

That is good advice from @Newestname002 . Knowing where you stand will give you some much needed inner strength @Claphamandeggs .

Please be careful what you share with him now, knowledge is power for him too. And, as you have learned, he just manipulates any situation back to suit him.

What does he do every day to make your life easier? You do absolutely everything child and housework wise yes? So what does he bring?
Do not bring up children in a home where they see dad living his best life on the back of an overworked mule/mum.
This is him. No amount of counselling or come to Jesus talks will make a jot of difference. He was sobbing weeks ago because you rightly had had enough, now he's telling you you aren't even doing his thinking properly for him. Come on now OP.

Haha what a cheeky fucker. How rude and ungrateful. I hope you told jim you aren't his secretary

OP I could not be more on your side. I don’t think he will ever change. Sorry. I would love you to leave him if you can.

Thanks everyone. I feel like such an idiot.

When we had the big talk, he was sobbing, put his ring on the table, so much emotion and pain - saying 'fine, we should split' and then the next day - he said 'please don't give up on us, you're my person, my life blah blah' and he held me so tightly and it really felt like we had overcome something.

now 3 weeks later we are arguing over petty stuff again, he is being off with me because i half stuck up for myself about the birthday thing. such a lack of kindness - no communication. little things like when bedtime gets challenging, he will snap at the kids and then go downstairs in a huff - it's not even that i'm left to do it by myself, it's that i don't feel able to talk to him afterwards about it - as he will just go mad. he's so so defensive. defensive about being defensive.

I will follow the kind & practical advice here about sorting out the info about a split. but i feel so sad.

Oh OP, it IS sad. Of course it is. And it's perfectly okay to feel sad. There's always someone who will tell you that you're crazy for feeling sad because he's such a user etc etc, but you've invested a lot of time and effort and love and shared a home and a family. Leaving isn't supposed to be easy.

I wish that you COULD sort it out. But it just sounds like nothing will ever change because he doesn't really understand why you're upset in the first place. Which actually is another challenge with a possible narcissist - it's so frustrating because you never feel like you get any closure. Yuo don't get that sense that you both agree that there were problems . You don't get that mutual sense of sadness.

I'm afraid I must warn you that if you do split I'd say there's a good chance he'll turn pretty nasty. so be prepared for that.

Of course it’s sad, and you’re absolutely not an idiot. My friend went through a similar sort of split, there was no big drama of cheating or violence etc but it was just over time an erosion of respect and kindness. Basically they just fell out of love. She said something that stuck which was that she was in love with the idea of loving him, but not really anymore more. She missed the person he used to be but not actually who he was when they split.

It’s going to be hard but to be honest if you’re sad everyday now then a couple more months of hard days splitting up to make an overall happier life is worth it I think for you and your kids.

that is why i refuse to find a therapist because he will blame me if she/he says something he disagrees with.

There's no point in counselling if he won't accept a challenge from the therapist. If he's going to blame you for something the therapist says, the whole thing is pointless.

It is really sad, OP. You will grieve for what's lost and grieve for the relationship you'd hoped for. It's a massive change and I'm sure it will be hard in many ways. But life sounds very hard now, and very sad. So maybe it's just a matter of stepping forward, at your own pace, to make this change.

Really don’t bother trying to fix things. He’ll only go on treating you like his social secretary while having a shitty manner. Imagine what a peaceful, happy life you can have without him.

You sent him a helpful reminder and he reacted like that? No more reminders then!! What a prick!!