To feel pissed off at DH comment

[Claphamandeggs]

Context is DH and I are on the rocks and have been on/off for just under a year. About to start marriage counselling - so my perspective may be off.

DH never remembers people's birthdays or dates really. I've been at work all day, while looking after 4 year old (inset day at school) at home (didn't book it off) and had to do a million and one things, (haircut for kid, take older one to after school class) - all while pretending to be on it with work and emails

I spotted on FB that it was FIL birthday. I messaged DH at 3pm today saying "Just FYI it's your dads birthday today".

DH got home and said "no much use doing the helpful wife thing on 3pm on the day". He said it a little light-heartend but also not so much. I said "well i thought you could at least send him a message" - he said "well, it's a bit rubbish isn't it, just made me feel bad, if you're going totry to be helpful like that try a couple of days before next time". I said "come on" and he pulled the "only messing about chill out" line.

Would this wind you something silly? I didn't say anything but feel fuming. We are meant to be trying to fix thigns and things like thist just make me feel like pulling the plug. Or am I overreacting?

Just no.

His dad, his responsibility.

Fuck him. Never remind him of anything again, his problem.

Are you having a laugh? 'They are EQUALLY as snippy/as much to blame.' WTAF?! It's 100% the OP's husband's fault. She is in no way to blame for this shit. FGS!

@YeahComeOnThen I wasn't suggesting the OP should need to remember for him, I very clearly wrote "shared", as in, they share it, they both put things on it that they want to remember.

'It's your dad, not mine. If you feel bad that should probably tell you something, because it is in fact shitty you forgot, and then you have the nerve to try and blame me.'

I wouldn't even care if it's sniping or petty. He doesn't get to make jibes at you and call it a joke, and what? He just gets away with it?

The bit that jumps out at me is

I didn't say anything but feel fuming.

Why wouldn’t you say anything? Is that a pattern or a one-off? If your partner has been out of order and upset/pissed you off you need to say so and explain why.

ExH used to do this. Note ex.

Lovely DH sorts out his own side of the family and our joint friends. Apparently I have enough to do. He does always remind me in case I want to send a personal message. And I do because his DM obviously brought him up well and I admire that. He has also trained our DC so hopefully one day I will have DILs who appreciate the same.

What a fucking dickhead.

@Janetime @ElaineMBenes
No I'm female. But in my family we don't have a "your father - your responsibility - nothing to do with me" set up. My FIL is very much a part of my family and on his birthday I will gladly be the one to wish him a happy birthday from everyone.

I would be absolutely fuming about this and would tell him that I would never be reminding him about anything ever again and I would stick to it 100%

You're not his PA!

I'm afraid this would bring out the passive aggressive in me.

I'm so sorry, DH. Really didn't mean to make you feel bad. I just thought you could have sent a message or something, it really didn't occur to me that it would make you feel guilty for being such a shit son. I should have realised, but don't worry, from now on, I will definitely ensure that I don't interfere in any of your family events, as I do recognise that they really have nothing to do with me.

Are you his Personal Assistant or something?

YANBU - he is a man child

Couldn’t agree more with this.

Life is too short for this draining crap. From the short exchange in your OP, it doesn’t sound like he’s making much effort to improve your relationship.

What an entitled arse. Who does he think you are - his PA?

Thing is. You've probably being doing this for as long as you've been together. Judging from his words. I wouldn't put up with this and don't. If my partner forgets birthdays, that's it. A few occasions where he's forgotten, he's felt like shit, bought a calendar and so remembers in future.
Just like I do. Like normal grown adults.
Put him in the bin op.

Tell him to fuck off. And grow up.

I don't take responsibility for his parents birthdays (I do 90% of everything else) and when I spotted it I did initally think "don't remind him, not your job" but I'm trying to not feel bitter about things and approach things afresh so thought I'd message him so he could call FIL and be a little helpful. I was clear I'd just spotted it on FB.

Im trying my hardest to be more like a proper partnership and not be transactional about who does what as he says he finds it upsetting.

MIL just messaged him 5 mins ago saying "it's dad's birthday". I said "do remind her to remind you 3 days in advance too" so I'm now I'm definitely being the passive aggressive one!

He will say I'm making such a big deal out of it as I'm causing issues again:(

Just don’t ever bother again.

You're not causing as many issues as I would!

Never ever give him the heads up on anyone's birthday or special occasion ever again, let him look like the bad guy.

This. And if he's like this a lot, perhaps don't waste money on marriage counselling tbh. He sounds like a dick.

DH got home and said "no much use doing the helpful wife thing on 3pm on the day". He said it a little light-heartend but also not so much. I said "well i thought you could at least send him a message" - he said "well, it's a bit rubbish isn't it, just made me feel bad, if you're going totry to be helpful like that try a couple of days before next time". I said "come on" and he pulled the "only messing about chill out" line.

Fuuuuuuucking hell. "Only messing about" me fucking hole. Do you want to salvage a relationship with someone who treats you like this?

Going to play devils advocate and say that if this is just a snapshot of you both at the end of your tethers and falling into sniping (which we all do from time to time; life happens). IF he’s actually a decent guy (maybe careless with his words and clearly forgetful) and you actually do love him and this is a case of a good relationship going through the wringer of life with kids and jobs etc etc.

Then maybe just try a clean slate tonight. When the kids are in bed just sit down and don’t talk about this tiny throwaway clash today but instead talk about why you want to keep going. For one night focus on what you like about each other instead of all the tiny things you can’t stand. Try and find that common ground again. It might give you both a new page to start fresh and do the therapy or it might make you realise you’ve grown too far apart. But either way you’ll know where you stand and you can cut through all the BS of who said what/ how they said it. This isn’t about his dads birthday, it’s about how you see one another and that’s what you need to discuss.

@Couldyounot it's actually the "only messing about" thing that winds me up the most. He uses it all the time so it always feels like me being the problem.

We haven't booked counselling actually as I said he needs to organise it because I do so much but also because he will be skeptical about the therapist if I find them! And guess what....Still nothing booked despite us agreeing 3 weeks ago we needed to if we were to stand a chance!

@cheddercherry that's what I tell myself too and I have tried to have those evenings or time together. That's why we said we'd go counselling...because we needed to try everything we could and because we owed to ourselves. So this shit feels so upsetting because I thought we were meant to be trying. But he say I need to try to be "less sensitive"