to expect host to let her party guests know that she has a no shoes policy?

[JustABitOfUncertainty]

I went to a posh party with DH on Saturday. It was a fundraising event for a wheelchair and a hospital bed, hosted by a school mum who has a child in the same year as one of mine. (The fundraised wasn't for her child btw). We NEVER go to parties, certainly not posh ones. We are both shy introverts, but we definitely wanted to show our support for this one.

Anyway, I have this beautiful halter neck top and matching trousers from Reiss from about 20 years ago, still looks brand new, as I very rarely wear it. I am only 5.2", and the trousers drag on the floor until I put my Esska platforms on, and then voila, the whole outfit comes together and I feel a million dollars.

Upon arrival to the party I saw there was a huge pile of shoes and saw the people before us removing their shoes. The host stood there almost blocking the entrance until the guests were barefoot. I am not exaggerating when I say that I really wanted to turn around and leave. Instead, I had to remove my platforms and feel like a 5 year old in her mummy's clothes, constantly pinching my trousers upwards so I wouldn't walk on them.

I know that there was an episode in sex and the city about something similar and I detest the Carrie character, but I empathise with her on this one.

It could have been worse, as I contemplated wearing a cocktail dress which would have meant putting on my toeless tights, how embarrassing would that have been!!

AIBU that there should have been a note on the invitation so that guests could have chosen their outfit accordingly?

Thank god I don't know you I'd combust if you just took your shoes off without asking if its ok to get your flippers out in my home 🤢 🤣

So she has a house full of people with bare sweaty feet?! Sounds like a lovely evening! Shoes would be preferable to that surely.

I am shoes on, always have been although have slippers at home. I only know one person who is shoes off at home and she is a clean freak who grabs your cup to wash it the second you finish, even part way through a conversation. Although she is lovely I never feel relaxed or welcome there.

It's a tricky one.
I understand your annoyance at not knowing beforehand, but when going to someone's house I also always consider how my outfit will look without shoes as many folk don't like shoes to be worn indoors.

Shoes defo off when you're going to someone's house. No question. However, hosting a formal party where people are expected to wear a suit then it is shoes on.

I hate the expectation that I'm supposed to just have cold feet all evening (or wear those shitty hotel slippers that don't fit and don't keep your feet warm).
I want to wear shoes that insulate my feet from the floor! Even carpets are draughty at floor level.

I don't wear shoes in my house but would never ask someone to remove theirs. I wouldn't really expect to be asked to remove mine either. If my trainers or shoes were filthy for some unexpected reason I'd insist on leaving them outside on the doorstep at someone else's house.

But where do all these shoes go, there could be 30 pairs or even more

I agree that it’s a bit rude for a formal party, but I always choose my outfit for someone else’s house based on the expectation that it might be shoes off. That generally means trousers or a jumpsuit and nice trainers. That puts an upper limit on how formal you can go (although less so in the last couple of years) but I don’t move in circles that host formal events at home. And actually I’d say it’s a good principle of etiquette that if you specify a dress code which needs your guests to dress up, you can’t then ask them to undress again. Even if only their feet.

This may be true. However numerous studies have shown that the average mobile phone harbours many more germs than the average loo. Unless babies are eating off the floor, this comparison quells my worries

You could be walking barefoot on someone's floor where their smelly hound had been walking or scotched their arse along the floor

But it's clearly not no question because many of us are saying we're not shoes off 😃

I cannot stress this enough - come to my house and get your feet out and I WILL instruct you to put your shoes back on immediately 😂

It used to be extremely bad manners to remove your shoes in other people's houses. My mum had a shoeless house and I remember as a teenager walking into a conversation where I was being referred to as The Shoeless Contessa by a friend's parents.

I wouldn't want someone's horrible bare feet in my house, they could have athletes foot or worse.

You would rather dog shit shoes than human feet? I also wear socks 90% of the time so not even bare feet.

In the summer people often wear no socks

It's rude to tell guests to remove shoes.

First rule of good manners is that you make other people feel comfortable.

If it's in her house then I would assume shoe removal and prepare for that as I think it's rude to not offer to take shoes off in someone's home even if they then say it's fine to keep them on and therefore I think yabu

If I had dog shit on my shoes I would not wear them in someone's house. Most people do not have dog shit on their shoes most of the time

But where do all these shoes go.

I find all the it's rude to tell guests to remove shoes comments so weird as I think it's really rude to not take your shoes off in someone's house unless they say it's fine. Completely rude to just think it's acceptable to trail outside dirt from the streets through someone's home. Gross

Absolutely absurd to have people dressed up and shoeless. You host a party in your house, you clean the floors afterwards. If you have a carpet that can’t take it you don’t host a party in your house.

Alot of people do not nessiccarily realise they have dog shit on their shoes though. Or mud. Or other grime from the street.

I think it incredibly rude to have a formal party and demand people remove their shoes.

I'm ok with it on an informal visit (and over time have come to expect it generally) but hosting is about making your guests feel comfortable and clearly demanding people remove their shoes unexpectedly falls short of that standard.

We’re in Scotland and everyone we know is shoes off.

I’m from SE Asia and we are firmly shoes off. I’ve never had to tell anyone in advance.