to expect host to let her party guests know that she has a no shoes policy?

[JustABitOfUncertainty]

I went to a posh party with DH on Saturday. It was a fundraising event for a wheelchair and a hospital bed, hosted by a school mum who has a child in the same year as one of mine. (The fundraised wasn't for her child btw). We NEVER go to parties, certainly not posh ones. We are both shy introverts, but we definitely wanted to show our support for this one.

Anyway, I have this beautiful halter neck top and matching trousers from Reiss from about 20 years ago, still looks brand new, as I very rarely wear it. I am only 5.2", and the trousers drag on the floor until I put my Esska platforms on, and then voila, the whole outfit comes together and I feel a million dollars.

Upon arrival to the party I saw there was a huge pile of shoes and saw the people before us removing their shoes. The host stood there almost blocking the entrance until the guests were barefoot. I am not exaggerating when I say that I really wanted to turn around and leave. Instead, I had to remove my platforms and feel like a 5 year old in her mummy's clothes, constantly pinching my trousers upwards so I wouldn't walk on them.

I know that there was an episode in sex and the city about something similar and I detest the Carrie character, but I empathise with her on this one.

It could have been worse, as I contemplated wearing a cocktail dress which would have meant putting on my toeless tights, how embarrassing would that have been!!

AIBU that there should have been a note on the invitation so that guests could have chosen their outfit accordingly?

I think it's frightfully common.

The tights tend to be extremely sheer, practically invisible. Think of them as foundation for legs that might be a bit blotchy and uneven in tone. They also hold in your stomach a bit and prevent chafing between the thighs. The toes peeking out of the toeless shoes are likely to be painted and only just visible. Finally, wearing tights stops the soles of your feet getting sweaty and sticking to the soles/sides of the shoes, causing blisters.

Poor OP would have wondered whether to then take off her toeless tights … and let the stomach come crashing loose, blotchy legs emerge …

An outfit is put together as an ensemble.

This whole arriving dressed then skimming down to your anti-thigh chafers etc is all quite undignified…

Indeed! Sniff…

If she didn’t want shoes she could have tried a different style of party: pizza and casual dress or similar. It’s much easier ( and less incongruous) to dismantle that sort of outfit.

The more I thought about this, the more awful I think it would be to be at a big formal party shoeless.
I take slippers to friends' houses if they are shoe off. We are shoe off upstairs but it's fine downstairs, we clean the house quite regularly. And we have pets (who admittedly are shoe off).

Aside from icky bathrooms, what if someone spills a drink, drops a bit of food, breaks a plate or glass? Loads of barefoot guests with sticky wet possibly bloody feet.
I think for someone to say shoe off, the place has to be clean. Large number of people in your house it's not going to be clean.

My grandmother - and parents to some extent- grew up in the (rather lovely) era when you actually got printed invitations ( rather than an email!). It was wasteful of card, but I used to love seeing them lined up on my Grandmother’s dressing table with their pretty font and formal wording. I am, however, struggling to envisage the wording towards the end when it dealt with dress code etc: “ Carriages at 11. Evening attire. Footwear must be removed on arrival.” 😆

Bad manners on their part. You cannot ask people to take their shoes off at a formal party. Tbh I don't think you can demand shoes off to a guest anyway. Most people ask and then take them off but I never tell people to remove shoes.

I agree with this. We have hard floors through our hall/kitchen/dining room and tend to stick to those rooms when having parties anyway. I have a vax cleaner for the carpets as we have a dog (and children).

I also require heels for most of my smart trousers, so tend to not wear those if going to a house party as I wouldn’t be able to walk in my long trousers without my shoes on! I learnt that lesson a long time ago.

This thread is amazing! Cannot believe the divide. Although I think majority of people are shoes on/don't care, it has brought the shoes off people in droves. There are lots of middle ground between the two views though:

• young kids take shoes off to move more easily about the house/laze on sofa
• elderly have limited mobility
• wet weather

Posh people, upper class, would never ask guests to take off shoes. The occasion OP attended was not formal/posh, just pretentious maybe?

Their floors, carpets and furniture would get dirtier quicker, judging by the people we see on Gogglebox who sit with their feet up on the coffee table and sofas? All these people with white or pale upholstery- don’t they mind their children lounging on them with their trainers? Are they constantly shampooing their sofas and carpets? Don’t they mind stilettos and the damage they can cause? To me it’s good manners to remove footwear when entering someone’s house, it’s rude not to imo!

Did the host provide flip flops or thin slippers or did everyone just wander around spread fungal infection and verruca's ?

At a posh or in any way formal party I would not expect to have to remove shoes, and if there were to be such a “policy” I would expect to be told in advance, as this is not the norm.

Honestly, I’m a bit fed up with the number of people who can’t be arsed to clean their floors or carpet these days.

Naturally you keep your socks etc on! Nothing to stop you taking your indoor shoes/slippers with you. People who like visitors to remove their shoes are not weirdos. If so, then most people are weirdos!

Your last paragraph is very much correct - posh/ upper class people would never dream of asking for shoes off, esp no downstairs. It is considered a really “common” thing to ask in those sort of circles - because it suggests you can’t afford to have your floors cleaned. It’s isn’t the virtue signal people think it is.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing nonsense. They wouldn't ASK, agreed. It's just a given.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable marching about in shoes in my own house all day, to me it’s like leaving your waterproof coat on all day.

I always take my shoes off when I visit other people for a cup of tea or whatever, and to be honest I don’t know anyone who sits around in their shoes all day, especially if they have carpets.

However, if invited to a posh do in a house, I would expect the host to leave it up to the guest.

How odd, a posh formal party with people wandering around with no shoes on. I dont think it should have been on the invite, however I wouldn't have stood there making people remove their shoes.

This is a case for "bus pants" ala Sheldon Cooper 😂
I believe he wears them over his regular pants.

People who like visitors to remove their shoes are not weirdos. If so, then most people are weirdos

You imply that most people like visitors to remove shoes, do you have any evidence or is this just your experience?

If it's the latter, I've never been asked, as an adult, to remove my shoes and I'm well into my 60s.

So is there a subset of shoes on people?

I'm shoes on for visitors. Me/dp/kids are shoes off as soon as we get in. So no risk of dirty trainers on sofas etc. We get comfy in our own home. We're not sat about from 9am to 11pm in our Nikes 🤣

Are there people who sit in shoes all day in their own house?

What is a given? The removal of shoes at a party? What rubbish!

@Megifer
I am in my trainers right now. Typing at my desk, in my office, which is just off the kitchen. I had a doctors appt this morning so have been out. I will probably take them off at some point.

We have a 'no shoes' on the furniture rule, so inevitably shoes will get taken off when we want to loll on the sofa. The DC will take their shoes off as soon as they get back from school.

All our flooring downstairs is a hard surface so is a doddle to keep clean which actually might be the crux of this whole debate. Thinking about it, I don't tend to wear shoes upstairs as that is all carpeted.

Yea its really not a given IME. Party or otherwise!

We wear shoes indoors. All the time. I take them off to tuck my feet up on the sofa.

The host clearly is a wannabe and isn’t cut out to host a posh party if she makes her guests change anything about themselves on arrival (in this case, removal of shoes). Even Buckingham Palace guests don’t take their shoes off. Can you imagine the old Queen (RIP) padding around in tights when she visited her mates??