AIBU to cancel on a friend's wedding after accepting the invitation

[Confusedwedding]

Hi everyone, just wanted to get a few extra opinions on this before I make decision.

About a month ago, I got a wedding invitation from a friend. She's an old university fried who I haven't seen much over the last few years as we've both moved around but we are still on good terms. At the time I accepted in invitation as I was happy for her but now I'm starting to have second thoughts.

Firstly, I am only invited to the evening reception from 7pm-12am. I'm not upset by this as we aren't that close but the venue is a good three hours from me so it's quite a long way to go for four hours.

As well as this, the venue itself is in a small village about 20 miles from the nearest town so I will need to book a hotel, train (I don't drive) and then a taxi from (and probably to) the venue back into the town I'll have to stay in. This is probably going to come to nearly £200 and that's before I've even spent anything else. On the day of the wedding there is also tube strikes (I'll be travelling through London) adding another layer of difficulty to the journey.

I'm guessing there will be other people from our social circle invited that I could split costs with, I don't want to ask them though in case they aren't and it makes things awkward. This is another thing I'm concerned about if I get there and don't know any of the other guests.

Basically I'm now second guessing if it's even worth it and letting my friend know I can't go anymore. The invitation said RSVP by late March and it's now early April but I can't imagine they will have made provisions for me (e.g. meal) if I'm only invited to the evening do.

My friend is quite laid back so don't know if she'd be that bothered but I also know if the roles were reversed she would make an effort to get to my wedding even if just an evening guest three hours away. Also a wedding is quite an important thing to skip out on last minute so she may feel differently about it.

I've asked a few friends what they think I should do and quite a few said they think I should cancel but others have said I should still attend as I said I would. I just wanted to find out from people not connected to the situation if IABU by cancelling now.

We had a wedding and invited our guests to all of it. No subs-list, just people we cared about, there for the whole thing, fully paid for.

It's not 'entitled' to refuse invitations I don't want to attend. The word 'entitled' is so overused here, it's losing any kind of impact.

Soooooooo many words have lost impact through overuse on MN I don’t know where to start .

What's 'entitled' about declining an invitation? I'd have thought the reverse to be true.

Evening parties are a large outlay and a lot of hassle, particularly if they are some distance away or there are stipulations such as no children. Various factors may make it difficult for some people to attend for just an evening. Of course some people will deduce that this is not a priority for them. A wedding might be an important day for the bride and groom, but it just doesn't have the same significance to other people.

IMO it's senseless to let simple wedding regrets cause family rifts or destroy friendships, unless a clear message has been sent (ie. all close friends receiving a 'day' invitation but you) signalling your inferior place in the hierarchy. This is going to sting if it's a person to whom you previously thought you were close.

We eloped and were married in a beautiful, romantic European city. No reception, no gifts, no theatrics. If we could go back and have our time over again, we'd do exactly the same thing.

Your post is rambling and the middle paragraph makes no sense.
Its entitled to decline a wedding invitation just because you weren’t on the day list -in fact its churlish 🙄

If practicalities dictate this, of course it isn't 'churlish'. But if this is how some people interpret a simple wedding regret, it's clear to see how unnecessary family and friendship rifts occur.

In my world, mere weddings don't merit this amount of angst.

I think either cancel now, or ask the bride who else is going that you know and see if you could reach out to someone you know to share transport. Don't leave it though. Cancelling with plenty of notice, says "I would have liked to be there, but can't justify the expense/time/hassle." Unless the bride is much more fond of you than you are of her, it's not going to upset her. Cancelling near the time says "you never were important to me and I can't be bothered to plan for you".

I kind of see where you are coming from ; but then another part of me keeps piping up that cancelling with notice says “ I’ve thought on it, weighed it up and it’s not worth it” and cancelling closer to the time says “ something has genuinely come up.” ( or “I’ve got the runs…”)

This isn't fair to bride and groom. We kept numbers down to keep the celebration small. Particularly DH didn't want to invite many, so I reduced friends to match. For a few who aren't able to come, I had replacements to invite, so early notice was great.

It's just an evening invite, let them know early and a few more mates might be invited.

If you don't want to risk offending friends by asking if they're going just ask the bride who is going from your friend group? That will also answer your question of if you'll know anyone when you get there. Then you can make your decision

If the tube strikes are really swinging it for you fair enough to cancel. Everything else you've mentioned hasn't changed from when you decided to accept, so if it was ok to have accepted then, it's ok to have accepted now.