AIBU to cancel on a friend's wedding after accepting the invitation

[Confusedwedding]

Hi everyone, just wanted to get a few extra opinions on this before I make decision.

About a month ago, I got a wedding invitation from a friend. She's an old university fried who I haven't seen much over the last few years as we've both moved around but we are still on good terms. At the time I accepted in invitation as I was happy for her but now I'm starting to have second thoughts.

Firstly, I am only invited to the evening reception from 7pm-12am. I'm not upset by this as we aren't that close but the venue is a good three hours from me so it's quite a long way to go for four hours.

As well as this, the venue itself is in a small village about 20 miles from the nearest town so I will need to book a hotel, train (I don't drive) and then a taxi from (and probably to) the venue back into the town I'll have to stay in. This is probably going to come to nearly £200 and that's before I've even spent anything else. On the day of the wedding there is also tube strikes (I'll be travelling through London) adding another layer of difficulty to the journey.

I'm guessing there will be other people from our social circle invited that I could split costs with, I don't want to ask them though in case they aren't and it makes things awkward. This is another thing I'm concerned about if I get there and don't know any of the other guests.

Basically I'm now second guessing if it's even worth it and letting my friend know I can't go anymore. The invitation said RSVP by late March and it's now early April but I can't imagine they will have made provisions for me (e.g. meal) if I'm only invited to the evening do.

My friend is quite laid back so don't know if she'd be that bothered but I also know if the roles were reversed she would make an effort to get to my wedding even if just an evening guest three hours away. Also a wedding is quite an important thing to skip out on last minute so she may feel differently about it.

I've asked a few friends what they think I should do and quite a few said they think I should cancel but others have said I should still attend as I said I would. I just wanted to find out from people not connected to the situation if IABU by cancelling now.

You’re an evening guest, there’s very little additional cost to the couple but a huge amount to you for a few hours of dancing. The logistics are making it difficult, it’s better to tell them now rather than wait.

I don't think you've left it too late to decline, your only a couple of weeks over and I would be surprised if she has had all of her rsvp's back even for the full day. I included ssae's with mine and still had to chase.

If she means the strikes in April/May (as she must, because they didn't announce further ahead than that) then they have already been called off

Tube Strikes Cancelled | Londonist

That's far too much hassle for an evening guest. I'd absolutely cancel. In my own experience evening guests are usually younger cousins who come for the dancing or work colleagues who come as a group. It's only on MN that I've heard of people actually travelling a distance to attend the afters of a wedding.

It is not too late to back out due to the train strike.
I would speak in person though.
Sometimes guests are catered for with a private bus to nearest town and accommodation. Your friend might offer a solution.

Go if you want to attend; the night celebration is always the most fun. It's a chance to meet trusted strangers who become special friends.
Whatever you decide, do so promptly and remember to send your friend a gift.

I would cancel. I don't agree with second tier guests at weddings and have you even factored in a gift, new outfit, extra meals out that day ?? you could have a weeks holiday for the cost , and she has not even invited you to see her get married.

OP mentions tube strikes, not train strikes.

The tube strikes have been called off so are not a factor.

An evening guest invite with no plus-one, if you don’t know anyone else going, then paying for a hotel/travel … it doesn’t seem worth it.

Ideally you should have not rsvp’d before talking about the above. If it would make a difference to you, I think you should immediately ask around your mutual friends. Even if they’re not invited, it will hardly be a secret she’s getting married.

If it truly is the case you’ll be there on your own, you should cancel. Just do it asap.

Usually I'm quite hot on going to something if you've committed to it but I'd cancel in these circs. 1 evening guest cancelling isn't going to significantly going to affect her plans or cost a fortune either way and in the nicest way possible it won't make or break her day if you can't come. I'd either say "I'm so sorry I've just looked at the logistics and realised it won't be do-able" or white lie and say you've got something in work that's come up/completely forgot you've booked a holiday that week/ etc."

Apologise, maybe send a card/bottle of something on the day or offer to treat her to a meal next time you catch up. Do it asap though so she can invite someone else if she wants.

Just cancel.

It’s too much effort for an evening appt. It doesn’t matter if she’d accept it herself if it was your wedding. Some people enjoy going to everything and don’t mind travelling. It’s a lot of effort for you, not to mention expense and time.

My guess is she didn’t really expect you to go.

Why not meet her half way either before the wedding or after it to catch up for lunch? Or if you don’t see her regularly, just send a card.

I’d ask the bride about if other people
from your social circle are going to
aee if you can split costs but if you can’t then you won’t be able to make it

I would cancel. Something along the lines of 'Regretfully, having looked more closely at the logistics of attending your reception, I fear I must now withdraw my acceptance of your invitation. Best wishes for the day, Confused.'

As you said "I can't imagine they will have made provisions for me (e.g. meal) if I'm only invited to the evening do." I can't imagine either. Your withdrawal will not inconvenience anyone. Your attendance will seriously inconvenience you.

That's why both my elder dds only had people for the whole day. Dd2 also had accommodation for 2 nights for all guests ( she originally invited 50 and they all could have stayed for free but due to covid she had to cancel and rearrange with only 30 guests).

There is often a buffet in the evening

Yep. I only had guests all day, and chose a practical venue that was very accessible by train and car, guests could leave their cars there overnight, and there were cheap hotels a short walk away. We preferred this than a venue that may be more ‘instagram worthy’ but not practical.

I'd ask the Bride / friend which other friends are going as your hoping to share a lift due to the travel issues.

Then make your final decision based on that.

Things change, circumstances change. Perfectly understandable that people will no longer be able to attend. At my wedding we didn’t have to confirm exact numbers until a few weeks before. The cost for night guests is usually lower than day guests too, so it’s a little less impact if you do cancel. I would make the decision ASAP and let her know if you’re not going, maybe suggest getting in touch after the wedding to catch up/do something nice. I really don’t think you’re being unreasonable, you don’t have to go just because you’ve agreed to something, you are entitled to change your circumstances/mind.

Cancel, it's just the evening do, its not the actual wedding

They are all valid reasons not to attend.

maybe to avoid the hurt and appearing last minute regret has reared its head, say you’ve now got to to work?

I would cancel as soon as possible with your apologies for not realising how hard the transport situation would be or alternatively a white lie saying you completely messed up with the dates.

I have a rule for myself: once I accept an invitation, I always attend (unless I am really poorly on the day or someone close has just died).
That means I always scope out logistics and travel before replying.
Can you make enquiries about lift sharing, to save travel cost?

Not always possible to scope out future transport strikes ….

Sorry but I think this is a little bit shit.

Your reason is basically “sorry I can’t come to the wedding, it involves more effort than I think it’s worth”

She won’t even notice you are not there on the night I really wouldn’t worry! Just say sorry I can’t come. It’s not that deep

It really isn't , it's the evening party not the full wedding. It's absolutely fine to cancel OP just do it soon.