AIBU to cancel on a friend's wedding after accepting the invitation

[Confusedwedding]

Hi everyone, just wanted to get a few extra opinions on this before I make decision.

About a month ago, I got a wedding invitation from a friend. She's an old university fried who I haven't seen much over the last few years as we've both moved around but we are still on good terms. At the time I accepted in invitation as I was happy for her but now I'm starting to have second thoughts.

Firstly, I am only invited to the evening reception from 7pm-12am. I'm not upset by this as we aren't that close but the venue is a good three hours from me so it's quite a long way to go for four hours.

As well as this, the venue itself is in a small village about 20 miles from the nearest town so I will need to book a hotel, train (I don't drive) and then a taxi from (and probably to) the venue back into the town I'll have to stay in. This is probably going to come to nearly £200 and that's before I've even spent anything else. On the day of the wedding there is also tube strikes (I'll be travelling through London) adding another layer of difficulty to the journey.

I'm guessing there will be other people from our social circle invited that I could split costs with, I don't want to ask them though in case they aren't and it makes things awkward. This is another thing I'm concerned about if I get there and don't know any of the other guests.

Basically I'm now second guessing if it's even worth it and letting my friend know I can't go anymore. The invitation said RSVP by late March and it's now early April but I can't imagine they will have made provisions for me (e.g. meal) if I'm only invited to the evening do.

My friend is quite laid back so don't know if she'd be that bothered but I also know if the roles were reversed she would make an effort to get to my wedding even if just an evening guest three hours away. Also a wedding is quite an important thing to skip out on last minute so she may feel differently about it.

I've asked a few friends what they think I should do and quite a few said they think I should cancel but others have said I should still attend as I said I would. I just wanted to find out from people not connected to the situation if IABU by cancelling now.

I always treat these events as part of a mini holiday for me, so I’d personally make a weekend out of it. I book a nice b&b in a nearby village, plan to visit a nearby town/other villages, go for an afternoon country walk, book lunch in a nice pub for the next day. This way it doesn’t feel like you are spending money just to get to a wedding.

This is your friend right you should just talk to her see if you can sort something out she will be able to give you details on who else is going, if I was your friend I would appreciate the honesty after all friendship is based on loads of things and one is understanding 😊

Is it ok if someone can explain only invited to the evening part of the wedding? I thought if you get an invite to a wedding you go for the whole thing! I'm from Australia so might be different, usally there is a wedding ceremony where anyone can go to watch the couple get married invite or not, then following this usally a few hours later is the reception for those that are invited. So is this done a little different?

I most likely wouldn't go in those circumstances

@Sootyb, I'll explain from a Scottish perspective.
A 'full wedding' would be an invite to the 1-2pm service, usually in church, registry office, or hotel. Canapés, Meal at the reception venue. And the dancing 🕺 party 🥳 after the meal usually finishing at 12pm.

And Evening Invite is an invite to the Dancing / Party after the meal. Usually they'll be a small evening buffet sometimes rolls n sausage / bacon. Served around 9.30pm while the band / dj have a break.

Evening invites are a thing, for people like work colleagues or old friends who you aren't particularly close to any more. And it avoids the cost of a meal.
Meals at weddings are pricy so it's a way of trying to keep a cap on costs.

Cancel. If she's laid back and hopefully quite reasonable and a good friend, she'll understand. The journey sounds back breaking! And you're only invited to the evening do. I would have to politely cancel.

Not sure why you agreed to it to begin with @Confusedweddingas most of your reservations were relevant before the tube strike? (distance / cost etc)

Just make your excuses and put it out of your mind.

(although the OP seems to have gone AWOL)

I think you should at least try and reach out to the other people in your social circle who may be able to split costs with you. Then cancel if not possible. It shows you did at least care enough to try and avoids "well, so-and-so made the effot so you could have too"

I don't think cancelling as an evening guest will make a massive difference to her planning.

I think it's rude to invite people just for the evening celebration who are travelling from far away. To me, evening only invites are for local friendly acquaintances like work colleagues or people from your sports team. People who would enjoy popping in for a few drinks and being part of it but won't have to go to much trouble.

Don't go - it seems like too much hassle. Nobody bothers much about a late cancellation on an evening-only invite, the catering for that is usually fairly generalised (buffet/barbecue/etc)

Either cancel or ask her which of your social circle is attending so you can split costs without worrying about asking people if their invited.

A lot of my evening guests didn't turn up (which was actually a bit hurtful) but it doesn't really matter because there's normally no catering required or place on a seating plan. Do let her know though because we had factored the numbers (and paid) for an open bar and evening snacks, so for every evening guest that didn't show it cost us about £30 (not loads in the scheme but enough to annoy me!) I think an evening invite is more of a "join us for a drink" invite than a formal wedding invite, so people will be less bothered. Why not arrange a meet up after her wedding to see her for lunch somewhere more convenient and she can tell you how it went

That's a great response. Also, if you do decide not to go let her know ASAP.

I would cancel. Point at the train strikes and the logistical nightmare it will be for you to go to just the C list evening portion.

Send them a card wishing them well and a token gift. They certainly didn't think of your side of things when they invited you to just the evening, tbh.

You often don’t need to confirm evening guests until close to the wedding so it might not matter anyway. You could ask in conversation whether any other friends will be attending then you can work out if you can car share/taxi share with people
if you were wanting to go.

Just cancel, they won't be that put out for an evening do. It doesn't sound like you are busting to go. I flew from Ireland to England for a friend's wedding in a village in the middle of Cheshire and wasn't given a plus one (this was explicitly stated). I had to fly, train then taxi. I felt like a bit of a spare part and tried to last for a few hours after the meal then quietly departed (in a taxi). It cost me a fortune back when I didn't really have much money to spare, and honestly wish I had just declined and sent a gift. And that is not a reflection on the couple getting married who were lovely.

Its ruder not to cancel and then not show. It's only an evening invite but it still has costs involved.

Pretty shitty of you to cancel because you failed to plan the first time!

i think there is even a meme about this.

if this friend isn’t even worth GETTING to their wedding then you shouldn’t have said yes in the first place. And if you don’t go, don’t anticipate keeping this person as a friend.

giant heartfelt gifts can make a difference for some people.

and please cancel sooner than later.

It is a thing, but it’s a rude thing nonetheless .

Brides need to learn to cut their cloth. It’s a faff to dress up etc for a wedding if you don’t even “count “ as ranking in the first tranche of guests.

I’d only go to an afterthought invitation event if it suited me. I certainly wouldn’t bother if it were going to cost me dearly - after all you’re on the overflow list because she was trying to avoid you costing her.

It's an evening invitation, feel free to cancel it for whatever reason. Better that than just not turning up.

For some reason, some posters think that evening invitations have the same gravitas as a wedding invitation, they don't.

Not unreasonable at all, I didn’t expect all my evening invite guests to come, and people did let me down on the day but I over invited for the evening knowing this would happen, I honestly didn’t even notice who wasn’t there until the next day, too busy enjoying the happiest day of my life

send a card with a gift voucher and your apologies

I wouldn't say it's rude.
It's a way of having a big celebration without a wild price tag.
15 years ago we were £70 a head for food and drink. Not everyone can afford to wine and dine 100 people but still want a party to celebrate.

I've been at a few weddings where its been immediate family only for the full day - big party in the evening.

But I will say Evening Invites only really work where the guests are reasonably local, I wouldn't travel much more than an hour to an evening Invite.

Oof. Very surprised by the general consensus here.

I'd completely understand your reasons for declining from the get-go, but you've already accepted and the RSVP date has passed. Where was all this sensible thinking before you said yes?

My opinion is that it is basic good manners to abide by your word once you've RSVP'd, particularly after the deadline. See also "a better offer has come up after I accepted the first invitation: what should I do?"

I detest this modern trend towards flakiness and disregard of the host's (bride's!) feelings.

If you back out now, don't count on your friendship surviving - weddings can be very emotionally sensitive, even for the most laid-back people, and the fact you're having to ask says, to me, that you're aware of this.

Just bow out gracefully. The earlier the better. You have several good reasons for not going.

Depends of course on the time frame.

If there hasn't been so long since the invitation and some time before the event, shouldn't be problem.

But if days, weeks before, then perhaps unreasonable, as may be dif to fill yr place.

It's my feeling also that it's good manners to attend once you've accepted an invitation. Were this an all-day event that would still be my view.

But this is simply too large an outlay of inconvenience, time and expenditure to justify for an evening-only event, not least one OP is expected to attend on her own. This common expectation re. 'evening only' isn't particularly reasonable, which is why I suspect a good few such invitations are issued on a perceived courtesy basis.

I say perceived, because in those circumstances they're really not all that courteous.

Ideally OP should have declined in the first place, but the reality is life sometimes gets in the way of things. Hurray for the transport unions!-she can hardly be blamed for not having the hindsight to know when they would ballot for strike action.

Common sense should tell the bride why this clearly isn't a practical option and in your shoes, OP, I'd simply tell her the truth about my reasons. They are sound reasons: it's not as though you've flaked on her because a better offer came up.

Weddings are only weddings. They really don't merit this amount of angst, lost friendships or family rifts. I wasn't asked to be bridesmaid for my oldest friend and couldn't have cared less - not my 'thing', I don't even like weddings although of course I went, and I don't need a grand, public gesture to know how we feel about each other. As for me, we eloped. Friend and I are still very much in each other's lives to this day and every bit as close.

The whole level of expectation surrounding weddings these days is ridiculous and disproportionate.