AIBU to cancel on a friend's wedding after accepting the invitation

[Confusedwedding]

Hi everyone, just wanted to get a few extra opinions on this before I make decision.

About a month ago, I got a wedding invitation from a friend. She's an old university fried who I haven't seen much over the last few years as we've both moved around but we are still on good terms. At the time I accepted in invitation as I was happy for her but now I'm starting to have second thoughts.

Firstly, I am only invited to the evening reception from 7pm-12am. I'm not upset by this as we aren't that close but the venue is a good three hours from me so it's quite a long way to go for four hours.

As well as this, the venue itself is in a small village about 20 miles from the nearest town so I will need to book a hotel, train (I don't drive) and then a taxi from (and probably to) the venue back into the town I'll have to stay in. This is probably going to come to nearly £200 and that's before I've even spent anything else. On the day of the wedding there is also tube strikes (I'll be travelling through London) adding another layer of difficulty to the journey.

I'm guessing there will be other people from our social circle invited that I could split costs with, I don't want to ask them though in case they aren't and it makes things awkward. This is another thing I'm concerned about if I get there and don't know any of the other guests.

Basically I'm now second guessing if it's even worth it and letting my friend know I can't go anymore. The invitation said RSVP by late March and it's now early April but I can't imagine they will have made provisions for me (e.g. meal) if I'm only invited to the evening do.

My friend is quite laid back so don't know if she'd be that bothered but I also know if the roles were reversed she would make an effort to get to my wedding even if just an evening guest three hours away. Also a wedding is quite an important thing to skip out on last minute so she may feel differently about it.

I've asked a few friends what they think I should do and quite a few said they think I should cancel but others have said I should still attend as I said I would. I just wanted to find out from people not connected to the situation if IABU by cancelling now.

Cancel ASAP. Better she knows now. I think it's fine to cancel - things happen. But it's a dick move to cancel short notice or just not show up.

I'd speak to her and ask her who else is coming you would know as you're now looking at pricing up accomodation and travel. If no one, and it's too expensive, be honest and cancel.

When is the wedding?

I agree re the “ perceived courtesy “ ( as to why they are issued) and also that they are not that courteous.

We don’t get married all that often- even if it runs to several times - and if the guest doesn’t “warrant” the per head outlay at the venue you have chosen you either need to to rethink your guest list or your venue. It isn’t really fair to expect guests to travel and offer a wedding gift for a glass of bubbly and a half a dozen salmon blini, as well as about four minutes tops with the host. If at a proper reception/ wedding breakfast seating arrangements etc allow for easier integration with the other guests.

It might be good manners to attend, but it’s also good manners to recognise the spend/reward aspect for guests.
Expecting someone to travel for hours for only a night do, and possibly spend hundreds of pounds on a hotel, AND probably bringing a gift, is rude in itself.

She's laid back so early April will be fine. It's hardly the dame as simply not turning up or giving 5 mins notice.

It may be worth ringing her but otherwise judt day you won't be able to make it.

Can you take a plus 1 who does drive?
Can you afford the added expense?

If you’re not going, let them know as soon as possible so they can make adjustments .

It's the worst possible response.

Tube strikes were called off a fortnight ago.

Also OP did not say her route was affected by train strikes.

So blaming strikes which don't affect the journey or don't exist at all carries a high risk of looking really shitty (in an "any old excuse, even when blatantly not true" sort of way)

As a recent bride even I say cancel. It’s just too much & you’re not booked in for the main meal.

Oops. I live a long way from London so believe any rumours of tube strikes! Still a good idea to rescind the acceptance ASAP.

I was in this exact situation a few years back now. Although I had seen the bride in the run up to the wedding.

The wedding was about 1.5 hours drive away or about 3.5 hrs on public transport. The area itself too is expensive and popular so no cheap hotels etc.

I had initially said I would go but then logistics of travel + hotel stay + taxis to and from the venue it was turning into an expensive night away. My DH was invited too and we thought about making a weekend of it but decided against it due to costs (we were saving for our own wedding). We also had to factor in dog care then with a gift and possible outfits the money was building up.

I just called her up and explained that due to distance and costs we couldn't make it work. She was very understanding about the whole thing, also said that a couple of other mutual friends had pulled out for the same reasons. We actually did end up going as we managed to car share and then got an air b&b with another couple.

I was glad I had explained why I wasn't going as it actually helped and allowed us to go.

Maybe worth mentioning in brief why you can't make it. Tube strikes etc and ask if anyone else is travelling the same direction and or other uni mates are going to share costs with

This

Yabu 7pm to 12pm is 5 hours

@Needanewname42
Thank you for explaining, I have never heard of this type of wedding.
Does seem a bit rude, don't think I would be wanting to go as an afterthought really!
A friend of mine got married recently, but I wasn't invited she was only having a very small wedding, I still went to the wedding ceremony to see her be married and congratulate the couple.

I think it's fine to say you are unable to get there and just say the truth that it's down to the tube strike and wish her a lovely day

Except that's not the reality

The tube strikes have been called off - something that was announced a fortnight ago. The April one did not happen and nor will the one in May. And it can't be reinstated as it was cancelled following resolution of the dispute (not suspended) so further action would need a new ballot and 14 days notice, which cannot happen in time for the date in question.

Could you message the bride saying "I'm having a nightmare trying to sort out travel etc for your wedding as I don't drive and there's strikes that day. Is anyone else I know coming from this direction who I could ask for a lift from?"

If there's really no accommodation in the village you should certainly be able to share transport to and from the nearest town with other guests too - you just need to be put in touch with appropriate people.

If you don't get any help in making such arrangements then withdrawing your acceptance because the logistical challenges of actually getting there have proved overwhelming is a just-about-acceptable reason to not show up but it will damage the friendship a bit.

The opening post only mentions the Tube strike, and as that was called off a fortnight ago, then referring to it at all is going to look a bit shitty.

OP knew the journey would be difficult at time of acceptance, but there has been no change to that. It would have been much better if she'd declined the invitation in the first place, rather than pulling out a smidge over 2 weeks beforehand. But if that's what she really wants to do, then non-specific personal circumstances would surely be preferable to blaming a cancelled strike?

This thread prompted me to look up Tube strikes and it still has one listed for 26 April, argh.

OP I wouldn't go either but I'd have said no initially. Better to say some change in circumstance rather than blame the journey.

🙄 at posters berating op for wanting to cancel after confirming. It's the evening doo. I'm sure the bride wouldn't actually want her to go if it's a massive stress for her

Don't go, I'm sure the couple will understand your reason (not in my mind an excuse).

I think it’s really sad that some people can’t be arsed to attend weddings anymore.
Having 2 daughters get married in the last 5 yrs I’ve seen ALL the shenanigans regarding invites and I can tell you it doesn’t go unnoticed.
Firstly, being invited to the evening reception is not some sort of downgrade. Weddings are eye wateringly expensive and family will take up the majority of the day spaces, so obviously friends are invited to the evening do. I know both my daughters were really excited to see their evening guests and looked forward to their arrival.
Secondly, many weddings have an evening buffet and in our case a free bar so a lot of thought goes into the evening. And both brides created a What’s App group for anyone wanting to share travel and accomodation costs and ideas.
What’s happened here is you thought it might be nice to go then after totting up the cost you felt it wasn’t worth your time and effort.
I think it is an honour to be invited to someone’s wedding and am utterly dismayed at the current trend on MN to make up all sorts of excuses why you can’t go and then bleat about it to garner sympathy.
Please let the bride know you’re not attending as soon as possible so she can give the invite to someone more appreciative as there will be many more waiting in line!

You're overlaying your own situation onto OP's and it's not the same, is it?

Evening invitations can be well thought out and a genuine wish to involve friends/colleagues OR they can be a cynical grab event where guests are ignored but expected to attend to provide cards/presents. I've been to both.

I no longer accept evening invitations but do happily attend weddings if I'm free.

Same. I went to an evening do of a very good friend (not anymore) where she ignored us, I never even saw the groom. No drinks and basically no food. Some of the evening guests had travelled half way across the country.
And I’ve been to evening dos where we’ve been greeted by bride and groom at the entrance to welcome us with a drink. Makes such a difference.

Don’t accept evening invitations? How entitled. Be interested to know if you had a wedding and an evening reception?

I cut back my guest list and took out the soup course from the menu because I wanted to avoid having to deliver an “evening only” invitation to anyone. So while I don’t deny some brides would put thought into it, it was definitely something I worked to find a way of avoiding. I think this thread is evidence enough that some people really do feel like a second rate guest. My mum was asked to evening only for her goddaughter’s wedding; but there were lots of connections from the bride’s father’s new ( and relatively important) post that he had held about 18 months invited to the meal and the message was very clear. My mum was very hurt.