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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel on a friend's wedding after accepting the invitation

160 replies

Confusedwedding · 15/04/2024 14:01

Hi everyone, just wanted to get a few extra opinions on this before I make decision.

About a month ago, I got a wedding invitation from a friend. She's an old university fried who I haven't seen much over the last few years as we've both moved around but we are still on good terms. At the time I accepted in invitation as I was happy for her but now I'm starting to have second thoughts.

Firstly, I am only invited to the evening reception from 7pm-12am. I'm not upset by this as we aren't that close but the venue is a good three hours from me so it's quite a long way to go for four hours.

As well as this, the venue itself is in a small village about 20 miles from the nearest town so I will need to book a hotel, train (I don't drive) and then a taxi from (and probably to) the venue back into the town I'll have to stay in. This is probably going to come to nearly £200 and that's before I've even spent anything else. On the day of the wedding there is also tube strikes (I'll be travelling through London) adding another layer of difficulty to the journey.

I'm guessing there will be other people from our social circle invited that I could split costs with, I don't want to ask them though in case they aren't and it makes things awkward. This is another thing I'm concerned about if I get there and don't know any of the other guests.

Basically I'm now second guessing if it's even worth it and letting my friend know I can't go anymore. The invitation said RSVP by late March and it's now early April but I can't imagine they will have made provisions for me (e.g. meal) if I'm only invited to the evening do.

My friend is quite laid back so don't know if she'd be that bothered but I also know if the roles were reversed she would make an effort to get to my wedding even if just an evening guest three hours away. Also a wedding is quite an important thing to skip out on last minute so she may feel differently about it.

I've asked a few friends what they think I should do and quite a few said they think I should cancel but others have said I should still attend as I said I would. I just wanted to find out from people not connected to the situation if IABU by cancelling now.

OP posts:
lap90 · 16/04/2024 06:16

It's not worth it for an evening invite.

Send regrets ASAP. Ideally you would have done so at the start.

neverendingcold · 16/04/2024 06:33

I had people pull out after the date for mine. I wasn't upset they weren't there but I was annoyed they'd left it too late so that I still had to pay for them and couldn't see if anyone else wanted their place. I didn't mind for those who genuinely could no longer make it but some of the excuses I got were flimsy

neverendingcold · 16/04/2024 06:34

raspberryberet7 · 15/04/2024 16:40

Why didn't you check all this before accepting?

Exactly

susiedaisy1912 · 16/04/2024 06:37

Just cancel op. It's miles away, the accommodation is difficult, it's going to cost you a lot of money to say hi to the bride and then spend the rest of the evening sat making small talk with strangers. Cancel now and she will probably have other people to invite. You can still send a card and gift.

MariaVT65 · 16/04/2024 06:42

Yanbu. This is what happens when you have your wedding in a stupid location and only invite people to night dos.

pictoosh · 16/04/2024 06:45

I probably wouldn't travel three hours for an evening reception.
Let her know asap, then rest on your laurels.

ZenNudist · 16/04/2024 07:00

Nonentitynumpty · 15/04/2024 14:04

You have your excuse reason right there - it's in a difficult to get to village, you don't drive, and there's going to be a train strike on the day you travel ...

This. Cancel.

Justus6 · 16/04/2024 08:00

I think your overthinking everything. Ask the friend if others you know will attend and make arrangements with them to split cost.. who knows someone may even drive and you could pay for a lift etc. You could also explain your situation to her and see of you could bring a friend.

Though if you really don't want to go it's a really good reason not to, I'm sure you won't be the only guest affected by the strike.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 16/04/2024 08:09

id personally just say “hi friend, so sorry there have been train strikes announced on the day and I have no means of getting there. Have a lovely day and catch up soon” and send a nice card.

MzHz · 16/04/2024 08:15

Honestly, it’s only an evening invitation so just drop her a line and say that due to the rail strike it’s no longer feasible to come

CecilyP · 16/04/2024 08:16

You’re overthinking it! The evening do is really just a party. It doesn’t affect the numbers that they have to cater for the main reception. While she’d like you there, and thought you might like to attend, I’m sure she won’t be too put out if you apologise and say you can’t come after all.

toni6994 · 16/04/2024 08:41

6 hours travel for 4 hours of event would be an absolute no no for my ND brain 😂

just say you’ve been checking costs and it’s too expensive for you to warrant for 4 hours. It’s not in any way unreasonable to not want to spend that amount of money on it x

RoseAndRose · 16/04/2024 09:05

GRex · 15/04/2024 17:39

It's best to cancel early. Hopefully she won't be too fussed as it's just an evening guest invite and you're still within cancellation timing if there is extra evening catering for you.

The Tube strikes planned for April and May were called off on 4 April.

The remaining transport issues were known to OP at the time she accepted.

She can't cancel "early" as even if the strikes were going ahead, the only date is less than 3 weeks away now.

I think OP should honour her original choice. But if she's really not going to, then don't blame a cancelled strike as that will all too easily be taken badly

TomeTome · 16/04/2024 09:10

You’ve been invited to a party to celebrate your friends wedding. She told you when and where if you didn’t want to go why didn’t you just refuse? Yes it’s shitty to say you’re coming and then cancel. Your travel expenses and inconvenience are yours, not a favour to your host.

nononocontact · 16/04/2024 09:20

From the title I was ready to say don’t cancel, but an evening do is a different ballgame! As you say, it’s not like she’s providing food for you. I would just contact her and say you were sorting travel arrangements to come and realised it will be more difficult and expensive than you initially realised and you’re really sorry but you won’t be able to come.
I don’t think she will be annoyed as it was only an evening invitation. If you want to stay friends I would send a card and a small gift.

godmum56 · 16/04/2024 09:57

DanceMove · 15/04/2024 14:17

Honestly, I don't think anyone ever expects someone to travel a long distance and pay for overnight accommodation for an evening invitation. I think it's a nice way of saying 'I still value your friendship and would love, if you're able to do it without endless faff or expense, you to be there, but don't worry if not'.

this

Maddy70 · 16/04/2024 09:59

Its ok but do it now ...they had a deadline for catering

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 16/04/2024 10:04

Fine to cancel, but don’t prevaricate further, give as much notice as possible.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 16/04/2024 10:12

It's an awful lot of investment emotionally in terms of time, energy and cost for someone who's just an acquaintance now. I would cancel 'due to the strikes' but say you'd like to catch up afterwards sometime.

Didimum · 16/04/2024 10:14

It's not a wedding, it's a wedding reception. Kindly, I don't think she'll care that much if you come or not!

viques · 16/04/2024 10:18

shams05 · 15/04/2024 16:16

You knew all the other factors when you accepted so don't mention those but the tube strike is a new obstacle so message her as soon as possible and let her know the tube strike means you can't get there.

Don’t mention the tube strike! They have form for changing their minds at the last minute. Say that you regret having to pull out at this late date but circumstances have changed. Wish her and her fiancé a fabulous day and say you can’t wait to see the photos.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 16/04/2024 10:21

I'd go. I love the opportunity to catch up with people and a wedding is fun.

MyspecialMug · 16/04/2024 10:23

I wouldn't attend either.
I'd let her know now asap, just say work/appointment on the same day. I won't be able to make it.
Thank her, apologise and wish her the best of luck on her big day and you'll be thinking of them.
Closer to the day post a nice card maybe a small gift voucher.

You'll save, stress, time and money.

Megifer · 16/04/2024 10:26

Absolutely fine to cancel its only a couple of weeks after the deadline and its a night do so they wouldn't have gone to a huge amount of expense. Anyone planning a wedding usually assumes a few drop outs because things crop up etc.

mindutopia · 16/04/2024 10:37

It's fine, just let her know asap that you realised it won't be possible to travel now that you've fully looked into the logistics and cost, and then send a card/small gift.

It's only rude if you can't be bother responding or showing up after you've rsvped. We had one guest who just didn't turn up on the day (he is a bit of an arse who has form for such things), but we had two other guests who came only for the ceremony and drinks after but had to leave before the meal to return home to care for a family member who was on end of life care. Completely understandable and no big deal. It was kind of them to even turn up. A normal sensible person will understand.

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