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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

354 replies

wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:30

I have a an almost two year old with my ex. We were very happy, then during pregnancy he had some sort of mental breakdown. He didn’t see dd until just before her first birthday though he did pay his share financially. He has apologised, obviously means next to f all after what he did, but has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Anyway, and I know this is a controversial topic on mumsnet and the usual thing is to leave a man like this off the birth certificate… but I actually want him on it. I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it. I’m not concerned that he would want shared care of dd as he is very happy that she lives with me, but even if he did, I have the funds to face a legal battle if needed. I simply feel strongly she should have her parents both on it.

I mentioned this to him last night and to my surprise he said he wanted to ‘think about it.’ He said he knew it was right he should be on there but he needed to look into it first.

I feel like I honestly can’t be around him even with dd anymore, I have such little respect for him. He’s said he will let me know this week if he will fill the form in… but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this? I guess I was just expecting him to want to be on it and that would be that… but it’s thrown me a bit. I feel angry that he would want to evade any sense of formal responsibility towards her. I know he will always have financial responsibility so it doesn’t really matter I suppose but it does bother me. Any thoughts?! I know it’s random but I despair really that after everything he can’t even do a normal thing like this without a drama

OP posts:
Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:31

Oh also, I feel weird if he was to ever have her for a night without me there, then he should be on it for my own peace of mind that he has responsibility? I know that’s not necessary for her to spend a night with him in future etc but it just makes me feel a bit sick that he can declare he cares for her and loves her so much but wants her birth certificate blank?!

OP posts:
LiterallyOnFire · 15/04/2024 13:32

He sounds scared of responsibility.

If you can forgive him for going AWOL for the baby's first year, surely you can grit your teeth through this?

Why do you need to be around him anyway? Does he not have unsupervised contact?

MILTOBE · 15/04/2024 13:32

But didn't you put him on the birth certificate at the time?

IMO any person who said they didn't want to be on their own child's birth certificate doesn't deserve anything to do with their child.

Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:34

LiterallyOnFire · 15/04/2024 13:32

He sounds scared of responsibility.

If you can forgive him for going AWOL for the baby's first year, surely you can grit your teeth through this?

Why do you need to be around him anyway? Does he not have unsupervised contact?

@LiterallyOnFire yes I know I said the same to myself earlier… this is nothing compared with what he did to me and her for the first year of her life.

I do wonder if I should just leave it but I feel so angry he could be such a disgraceful person to leave his own child’s certificate blank. He is definitely scared of the ‘responsibility’ reference. Women have no choice but to be on it but men can do what they like? It’s disgusting.

OP posts:
AnnetteKurtan · 15/04/2024 13:35

You didn’t put him on the first place

what if he has another breakdown

he hasn’t even jumped at the chance to get his name in the certificate

I think you’ve put on some rose tinted glasses and should have left the genie in the bottle.

also he’s only been playing good dad for less than he has going AWOL. Tread carefully.

IfIwasrude · 15/04/2024 13:35

I would just be glad you're rid of him and he's doing what he needs to do as a dad. He sounds awful.

Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:35

@LiterallyOnFire no he can have any contact he wants with her, I just tend to be around sometimes as he’s new to parenting and I do all her care so want to ensure she’s ok. I’m slowly leaving them more time alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:36

@AnnetteKurtan @MILTOBE we weren’t married so I couldn’t add him at the time, otherwise I would have

OP posts:
Fulshaw · 15/04/2024 13:37

I think your mistake is thinking he had changed or perhaps ‘recovered’ from his shitty behaviour. This is a reminder to you that he is still that person who did all those things.

LiterallyOnFire · 15/04/2024 13:38

I do wonder if I should just leave it but I feel so angry he could be such a disgraceful person to leave his own child’s certificate blank. He is definitely scared of the ‘responsibility’ reference. Women have no choice but to be on it but men can do what they like? It’s disgusting.

It's the ovary penalty. Women just don't abandon or let down their children in the numbers men do.

Some dinosaurs will be along eventually to tell you it's your fault for not picking your partner more carefully, but the fact is pregnancy is the trigger for many behaviours, including DV.

Painauraison · 15/04/2024 13:38

The birth certificate and him being a decent father are 2 separate things.

He is her biological father so his name on the certificate is compulsory in my opinion, you shouldn't mess around with things like this. His name not being on there doesn't make him not the father.

AnnetteKurtan · 15/04/2024 13:39

wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:36

@AnnetteKurtan @MILTOBE we weren’t married so I couldn’t add him at the time, otherwise I would have

Just as well you couldn’t, because you had to pick up the slack bringing up a newborn for a whole first year.
And now he doesn’t seem to care less.

TimeandMotion · 15/04/2024 13:39

Having a breakdown and disappearing is pretty extreme. It’s great that he’s back and making an effort but you just need to accept that this relationship is never going to be straightforward.

Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:39

Fulshaw · 15/04/2024 13:37

I think your mistake is thinking he had changed or perhaps ‘recovered’ from his shitty behaviour. This is a reminder to you that he is still that person who did all those things.

@Fulshaw i agree but it’s difficult now because dd loves seeing him, she has a lot of fun and he is brilliant with her. I despise him and always will for what he did but I can’t just break off their bond now, that wouldn’t be fair on her.

I just can’t move past it if he won’t go on her certificate. I just think that’s the final nail for me in being able to be amicable with him.

OP posts:
LiterallyOnFire · 15/04/2024 13:39

wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:35

@LiterallyOnFire no he can have any contact he wants with her, I just tend to be around sometimes as he’s new to parenting and I do all her care so want to ensure she’s ok. I’m slowly leaving them more time alone.

I don't think you've fully absorbed it all. Understandable since you've had a turbulent year or so.

You just haven't really accepted that he can't be relied on.

It'll get easier as she gets older and needs you less constantly.

Laiste · 15/04/2024 13:39

wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:36

@AnnetteKurtan @MILTOBE we weren’t married so I couldn’t add him at the time, otherwise I would have

You don't have to be married to have the father on the BC.

afaik

Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:40

Painauraison · 15/04/2024 13:38

The birth certificate and him being a decent father are 2 separate things.

He is her biological father so his name on the certificate is compulsory in my opinion, you shouldn't mess around with things like this. His name not being on there doesn't make him not the father.

@Painauraison did you even read my OP

OP posts:
Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:41

Laiste · 15/04/2024 13:39

You don't have to be married to have the father on the BC.

afaik

Show quote history

@Laiste you do if registering it alone which I had to do as he had disappeared at the time

OP posts:
Fulshaw · 15/04/2024 13:41

Laiste · 15/04/2024 13:39

You don't have to be married to have the father on the BC.

afaik

Show quote history

You don’t but he has to be present when you register the birth. If you’re married, he doesn’t.

GoawaySunrise · 15/04/2024 13:41

Yanbu. I would be disgusted as well, but not surprised considering his history. Have you mentioned to him to think on how dd will feel when she eventually sees he's not on her bc and questions why? He does seem to care about her, maybe it would help break him out of his self-centered stewing

Rebusmyfire · 15/04/2024 13:42

wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:36

@AnnetteKurtan @MILTOBE we weren’t married so I couldn’t add him at the time, otherwise I would have

You can have the father on the birth cert married or nor

Bumblebeeinatree · 15/04/2024 13:42

Can you get a DNA test to prove paternity and put his name on the BC whether he wants to or not?

At the very least do a family tree for her (for when she's older) clearly showing her father's line, so she is in no doubt who her biological father was.

Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:42

LiterallyOnFire · 15/04/2024 13:39

I don't think you've fully absorbed it all. Understandable since you've had a turbulent year or so.

You just haven't really accepted that he can't be relied on.

It'll get easier as she gets older and needs you less constantly.

Show quote history

@LiterallyOnFire yes i think you’re right. I do sometimes look at him with dd and think I can’t believe he’s the same man who did what he did. What would you make of this then? Would you just accept him saying he won’t fill in the form to be added and continue to be civil? I don’t know if I have it in me to be civil towards someone who can be so vile about his own child’s birth certificate

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 15/04/2024 13:43

Don't do it.
Life is (hopefully) long and (hopefully not) complicated.
People can be nice one day and shits the next.
Keep your life, and your child's life, as simple as possible.

eta: Be glad he won't sign. Continue being civil, as long as he is civil to you and your child. Don't expect him to be the man/father you would like, just appreciate the bits he can do and forge ahead without much consideration of him at all.

Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:43

Bumblebeeinatree · 15/04/2024 13:42

Can you get a DNA test to prove paternity and put his name on the BC whether he wants to or not?

At the very least do a family tree for her (for when she's older) clearly showing her father's line, so she is in no doubt who her biological father was.

@Bumblebeeinatree he pays cms and let’s him call her dad etc. He’s not trying to hide from her that he’s her dad. It’s just the certificate he’s being weird about

OP posts:
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