A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

[wooldryxptto]

I have a an almost two year old with my ex. We were very happy, then during pregnancy he had some sort of mental breakdown. He didn’t see dd until just before her first birthday though he did pay his share financially. He has apologised, obviously means next to f all after what he did, but has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Anyway, and I know this is a controversial topic on mumsnet and the usual thing is to leave a man like this off the birth certificate… but I actually want him on it. I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it. I’m not concerned that he would want shared care of dd as he is very happy that she lives with me, but even if he did, I have the funds to face a legal battle if needed. I simply feel strongly she should have her parents both on it.

I mentioned this to him last night and to my surprise he said he wanted to ‘think about it.’ He said he knew it was right he should be on there but he needed to look into it first.

I feel like I honestly can’t be around him even with dd anymore, I have such little respect for him. He’s said he will let me know this week if he will fill the form in… but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this? I guess I was just expecting him to want to be on it and that would be that… but it’s thrown me a bit. I feel angry that he would want to evade any sense of formal responsibility towards her. I know he will always have financial responsibility so it doesn’t really matter I suppose but it does bother me. Any thoughts?! I know it’s random but I despair really that after everything he can’t even do a normal thing like this without a drama

Well you could make any assumptions, Op stated he had some sort of mental breakdown.

She also said he came back, made promises, stuck to every one, did above and beyond. Has been consistent financially and physically. DD loves him.
Yet people think he wouldn't get PR, access or that OP should remove him from his DD's life....

You have thought of the positives for your daughter of adding him to the birth certificate - this is a good starting point.

Now think of the negatives also. Some are very real possibilities, so give them some serious consideration.

Suppose:
Your ex finds a new girlfriend who is unsuitable as a parent - they decide to play happy families with your daughter.
Perhaps they both have mental health issues, their house is dirty, they keep pets your daughter is scared of, cut her hair, give her piercings etc, disregard your parental values on bedtimes, food, clothing, socialising, religion. Refuse to return her at the agreed dates and times.
Nothing you can do without a lengthy legal process.

Your ex decides he wants to veto any holidays abroad including educational school trips. He hides her passport and refuses to let you have it for anything including verifying her identity.

He decides he doesn’t like your choice of school for her and re registers her elsewhere then refuses permission for you to change his choice.

He won’t give permission for immunisations or other medical treatments. He changes her GP.

He gets into legal trouble and receives a prison sentence. He applies to the court for regular fortnightly visits which you must facilitate.

He moves abroad and applies for part custody - and you must fly to his country of residence every school holiday for weeks at a time to enable it, and pay for accommodation there yourself.

In the worst case scenario you pass away and he is the sole parent. He isolates her from all of your side of the family and refuses permission for them to visit. He moves away and they never see her again.

I know this sounds like scaremongering, but in fact I have known all of these situations occur to people I know (either personally or in a professional capacity) with a difficult ex.

I agree with this wholeheartedly! My natural father is a waste of space but he is genetically my parent- so my birth certificate states that fact- it means nothing more than that

If you're not married the father has to be present at the Registrar's office to complete the forms (in Scotland)

tbh I'd withdraw the offer of adding him to the birth certificate as it will undoubtedly complicate things when you eventually decide that he's too flaky and unpredictable to be with.....

i don’t know if I have been clear but I am in no way ‘with’ this man anymore. I am not in a new relationship but definitely wouldn’t be with him again

They need to be there you can't just "put" someone on the birth certificate

How old is your child’s father, @wooldryxptto ?

Is there any prospect him of him growing more into the role?

I’m sorry this happened to you, a tough experience to go through.

@LittleGlowingOblong he’s 37 (just). I am honestly so appalled by what he’s done and this just seems so… I don’t know the word? It’s just awful isn’t it? I can’t actually believe I know someone like this let alone the fact they are my child’s father. He did NOT come across like this when we were in a relationship.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate. It’s honestly easier not to. The fact he’s having to think whether he wants to be on it or not is just confirmation that not putting him on is best.

You may have “funds for a legal battle” - that doesn’t mean you’ll win! Do you really want him to have rights over big decisions about your child, and even demand up to 50% contact time in the future?

He sounds like he just imploded psychologically.

Read the original message the man fucked off & they were unmarried.....

To me its reaction of having to "review" it. That's the absolute kicker for me

Well your daughter knows him as her father & he pays so has in that way said that yes he is the father.

In that respect it's a shame that his name can't be added just for records & for his daughter not to have a blank space.

I wonder how many children registered within a marriage aren't the husband's?

I believe both parents should be on the BC unless there are extreme circumstances like him being a flight risk.

It is not nice having ‘unknown’ on your BC.

However, in this situation I absolutely would not put him on the BC.

Its so pathetic that he doesn’t want to be officially on his own child’s documents and it just proves its because he knows that he’s not planning to be an involved parent and feels he can stop at anytime.

As soon as he said that I would have told him to forget it.
You’ve been incredibly forgiving towards him and he’s not even grateful.

FWIW I had awful MH and PND (which ultimately led to psychosis) but I still managed to get my child’s BC sorted and be 100% involved as a single parent.

I’m sure your MH also suffered by being a single parent.

He is a grown adult, the same as you.
He is a parent, the same as you.
There is absolutely no reason why he can’t step up and be a parent like you have been doing.

The BC would be off the table completely.
If in a couple of years time he has proven himself and he asks if he on the BC then I’d reconsider but I personally can’t see him even being involved that long.

He sounds shitty to me and he sounds like the kind of person that's gonna dip in and out as he pleases. Imagine having to "think about" being on your child's birth certificate. Unbelievable.

''Some dinosaurs will be along eventually to tell you it's your fault for not picking your partner more carefully''

It's true though, and one doesn't have to be a dinosaur or traditionalist to think like this.

One wonders if he wanted to be a father, or if he had no choice in the matter..In which case, he should definitely have used a condom.

Men should do this even if the woman says she is on the pill or whatever- men need to take care that they don't get landed with a child they aren't ready for, as that isn't fair on the child.

I very much doubt that unknown is put on the BC now In 1972 it was left blank. Would society really go backwards..

Yeah, it's not the case.

Beside the point I know but ‘So many dramas on TV get this wrong. If you are married, either can register the child, If not, both people have to be there, you can't add someone in absentia. I know this through personal experience.’

Well, of course. Otherwise women would just rock up and put Prince William or Simon Cowell or anyone else they thought was good for a bob or two on the BC.

OP, I think you need to reframe this option as a privilege which your ex partner needs to earn. At least five years of unchased cms payments, caring and sensible parenting sessions….then let him ask. At which point you might like to review the option.

@seekingasimplelife has given a very good summary of real situations that could happen.
I have read on MN about dc not being returned and because father was on bc, there was nothing police could do, only courts and legal avenues. Awful, just awful.
What if he fills in the form and then realises he wants 50/50 contact?

I would just leave it, OP. Don’t give it any more headspace. Wait and see what he decides he wants to do, then take a view- calmly - on whether you still want him on there.

I coparent with my ex, and have for 7 years. In some ways he is a fantastic father. In others he makes me want to scream.

There’s no history of abuse between us, so I just grit my teeth, smile and nod (9 times out of ten 😉). It’s just part of the coparenting deal, unfortunately. If they were all round fantastic chaps, we’d still be with them wouldn’t we!

My child’s says ‘unknown’ as the father refused to be on it.

This was in 2009 in England.

So many men turn out to be such crushing disappointments don’t they? They have the penis privileges to ‘opt out’ of so much, and boy oh boy do they cash them in.