A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

[wooldryxptto]

I have a an almost two year old with my ex. We were very happy, then during pregnancy he had some sort of mental breakdown. He didn’t see dd until just before her first birthday though he did pay his share financially. He has apologised, obviously means next to f all after what he did, but has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Anyway, and I know this is a controversial topic on mumsnet and the usual thing is to leave a man like this off the birth certificate… but I actually want him on it. I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it. I’m not concerned that he would want shared care of dd as he is very happy that she lives with me, but even if he did, I have the funds to face a legal battle if needed. I simply feel strongly she should have her parents both on it.

I mentioned this to him last night and to my surprise he said he wanted to ‘think about it.’ He said he knew it was right he should be on there but he needed to look into it first.

I feel like I honestly can’t be around him even with dd anymore, I have such little respect for him. He’s said he will let me know this week if he will fill the form in… but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this? I guess I was just expecting him to want to be on it and that would be that… but it’s thrown me a bit. I feel angry that he would want to evade any sense of formal responsibility towards her. I know he will always have financial responsibility so it doesn’t really matter I suppose but it does bother me. Any thoughts?! I know it’s random but I despair really that after everything he can’t even do a normal thing like this without a drama

Personally I’d be worrying that he isn’t seeing being in his daughter’s life as a long term plan for himself.

If he doesn’t even want to commit to being on her birth certificate then I doubt he’s committed to being a permanent fixture in her life.

I would be very wary about how well you let your daughter bond with her dad as I have a feeling he’ll scarper again at some point and she’ll be heartbroken 😢

You know what this is, he wants to look at the legal implications of it, and see if he wishes the responsibility. He’s not changed. He’s a piece of shit.

This is just the straw that breaks the camel’s back. He is profoundly frightened and selfish. He can only accept responsibility in tiny bites. He does not have the emotional intelligence to recognize how damaging his stance is to his daughter or the symbolic gift you are trying to give him. Its an honor to be in her life. But ti him its just an option.

I think you have had a lucky escape. Don't push him, it will almost certainly be better in the long term for you and your DD not having him named on the birth certificate.

If she ever queries it then he isn't on because he was too poorly to go to the appointment.

View it as protection you are the one with the legal power while you are the only parent on the birth certificate. That is more important than any sense of what is "correct" or "proper".

To be perfectly honest op in your situation I'd rather he not be on the birth certificate. As it stands now you are the one with 100% control over decisions relating to your child. Want to move 200 miles across country ? Off you go, want to apply to this school instead of that school ? Done. Want to go abroad for a month? No problem. As soon as he's on the birth certificate he gets equal parental responsibility and gets a say in all that and more. Him being on the certificate doesn't alter his link to your child, he will always be her bio father, it also doesn't alter his responsibilities financially, so you need to ask yourself what the actual benefit of him being on there would be.

Although I have suggested discussing this more fully with him in pp, it has occurred to me that this could be a red flag about control. So he contributes freely when HE wants but not if the demands are external? Maybe?

I still think you need to find out why or at least challenge his reasoning.

What a disappointment he is though. If his reasoning doesn’t add up you have every right to cool relations op.

Sorry to ask and, obviously, you don't have to answer - you've said you were happy until part way through your pregnancy - was he onboard with TTC in the first place, or was this an unplanned pregnancy that he initially accepted but then got cold feet?

I can sympathise with your frustration over his instability. But don't agree that he is causing a drama by asking for some time to think about having his name on the birth cert. By your own account his mental health is in a precarious state. It's very possible he will say yes but maybe you took him by surprise with the suggestion. That said I do recognise that this js a shitty situation for you and you would rather have a dad for your lo that isn't taking baby steps towards responsibility.

It's not really about being proper though is it? It's a formal claim from both parents that states "this is my child". To me, that would be important. I first saw my bc at 14 and would very much care if my fathers name was not on it. "Is he really my father? Is he embarrassed of me?"(as op has stated) I would never have believed that "he was poorly and couldn't go", even at that age.

It sort of makes me laugh that in a world in which sites like Ancestry are huge etc, so many men are no longer on birth certificates.

I'm assuming his issue here is about actual responsibility. I can't say I've ever looked into it but instinctively my thinking is that an unmarried couple where the dad is on the birth certificate means the father has parental respponsibility, which he maybe doesn't have if he's not even if he's paying maintenance? I'm not sure though but if he's anything like me, that could be his assumption.

It's pretty dire though. I don't blame you for being pissed off about it.

God, it pisses me off when people write stuff like 'You should be doing everything to facilitate this'.

Even putting a father on a birth certificate is seen as a mother's responsibility. It's the same, harmful language that courts and society uses about (usually women) victims: 'Why didn't you leave him?' 'You (the victim) of DV need to ensure that the DC have a relationship with their violent parent' 'Why didn't you take a safer route home'. We shouldn't allow this passive, victim blaming language to stand anymore. We should be asking useless parents, violent rapists and violent partners and attackers 'Why are you behaving like this?'.

The only person responsible for this issue OP is him - he's a dick to treat this situation and his own flesh and bloods existence as 'something that needs reviewing'. YANBU.

I think the lack of an immediate and enthusiastic yes in response to 'do you want to be on the birth certificate' means that the window has closed and he doesn't get to be on it.
It's not something that he gets to think about at his leisure.

Thanks for the replies. Have to admit I am in tears of sadness and anger. I think this has proven to me that even if he does the right thing here, that he will continually behave in a poor manner as this is who he is

100% what @IhateSPSS says. this is not on the mother to do anything about

Also why would you want to give an adult who can't act responsibly, legal and medical responsibility over your child?

If you can allow you ex to Foster a relationship with you daughter great. She will grow up knowing he had some presence in her life. His actions will be what matters...not whether his name is on a BC. one won't make up for the other.

a family member had a very similar situation to you - abandoned during pregnancy. the fsther had a very infrequent relationship with child all through their childhood, but as adults they have some relationship now, and the BC was amended after they turned 18.

God, it pisses me off when people write stuff like 'You should be doing everything to facilitate this'

I said you should do everything on your side to facilitate it, big difference to what you quoted.

Even putting a father on a birth certificate is seen as a mother's responsibility. It's the same, harmful language that courts and society uses about (usually women) victims: 'Why didn't you leave him?' 'You (the victim) of DV need to ensure that the DC have a relationship with their violent parent' 'Why didn't you take a safer route home'. We shouldn't allow this passive, victim blaming language to stand anymore. We should be asking useless parents, violent rapists and violent partners and attackers 'Why are you behaving like this?'.

No one has said it's the OPS responsibility 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ what a wild jump to victim blaming for rape.

The only person responsible for this issue OP is him - he's a dick to treat this situation and his own flesh and bloods existence as 'something that needs reviewing'. YANBU

But he can't do it on his own, it needs both of them.

But legally he can only be in the certificate if the parents are married or he agrees to it.

I think there are a whole load of additional emotions to this.

You are thinking this is his chance to make up for what he did, to demonstrate he’s changed. You are also assuming it relates to his future reliability, which it may well have no bearing on. Many men disappear from their child’s life regardless of NC status.

For him, he may be afraid it is connected, afraid of going back to the place he was at when he abandoned you both. For him, discussing the birth certificate reminds him of his appalling behaviour at the time. He needs to work through that, so in a way it’s responsible of him to pause and think about it first. ‘Things are going well right now, what if it triggers me to panic and run again? No, that won’t happen, but what if it does?’, etc.

He did what he did.
This is separate.

OP you've had some good opinions on what to do so I won't add to that but I do want to suggest that your feelings about this are so normal, and this is a real heartbreak moment for you. In your OP you described it as strange that this should hit you so hard as it seems like a small matter compared with his initial huge betrayal and abandonment. But actually, it must have seemed to you recently that you got the 'original' good kind man back as he's been so good with your daughter, and that may have made the behaviour in the pregnancy/her early days seem like an anomaly stemming from the breakdown. But this reaction over the BC is showing you that it's just fundamentally who he is, which is really devastating. So I think it's normal this has hit you like a tonne of bricks - please be really kind to yourself as you grieve this all over again. Hugs to you

It sounds to me like he wants to leave the door firmly open so that he can walk back out through it again. Sorry op.

My father's name is on my birth certificate as my parents were "just" married. In my opinion it is meaningless as I never had any relationship with him. I also suspect (as did he I believe) that his first child probably wasn't his although his name was on her bc, because he was married to her mother at the time of her birth.

Only if the unmarried father is present to register or consents and he wasn't around!

It is odd, but your DD will benefit more from actually having him present in her life. So as much as this might annoy me, I think it might be best to let it lie for the time being, and keep on doing what you are doing to encourage the relationship between them.

Things may change naturally rather than by being forced.

The father needs to be present at the signing of the birth certificate and acknowledge the child as his if you are not married. If you are married, the mother can go alone and simply present the marriage certificate. This is because in UK law, any man married to a woman is the legal father regardless of biology or paternal acknowledgment.

This 100% ^^

But that's exactly what happened here, he was having a mental health issue and was AWOL. The level of detail can charge depending upon the age and understanding of the child.

It may well be less than ideal for the child but probably better to have to carefully deal with a sensitive conversation in future than risk a potentially unreliable father having full unquestionable parental responsibility.