A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

[wooldryxptto]

I have a an almost two year old with my ex. We were very happy, then during pregnancy he had some sort of mental breakdown. He didn’t see dd until just before her first birthday though he did pay his share financially. He has apologised, obviously means next to f all after what he did, but has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Anyway, and I know this is a controversial topic on mumsnet and the usual thing is to leave a man like this off the birth certificate… but I actually want him on it. I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it. I’m not concerned that he would want shared care of dd as he is very happy that she lives with me, but even if he did, I have the funds to face a legal battle if needed. I simply feel strongly she should have her parents both on it.

I mentioned this to him last night and to my surprise he said he wanted to ‘think about it.’ He said he knew it was right he should be on there but he needed to look into it first.

I feel like I honestly can’t be around him even with dd anymore, I have such little respect for him. He’s said he will let me know this week if he will fill the form in… but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this? I guess I was just expecting him to want to be on it and that would be that… but it’s thrown me a bit. I feel angry that he would want to evade any sense of formal responsibility towards her. I know he will always have financial responsibility so it doesn’t really matter I suppose but it does bother me. Any thoughts?! I know it’s random but I despair really that after everything he can’t even do a normal thing like this without a drama

*her call him dad!

Ah!

Got it

You can’t rely on this man, he is liable to behave erratically in the future, and has just made it clear again that he cannot be depended upon. Don’t let your guard down, don’t bother too much about the form and make sure you keep him at arm’s length, mentally if not literally.

can have the father on the birth cert married or nor

Only with his consent, presence and signature. Which OP couldn't get when she registered the birth BECAUSE DAD WAS AWOL.

She still can't add him without his participation.

It's not hard to understand.

She's trying to correct the omission now and not getting a keen response.

@LiterallyOnFire Well just as he’s being lovely to dd now… he was very lovely to me when we were together. Had I known he would do what he did I would never have been on one date with him. I guess I’m just disappointed that I’ve supported his relationship with dd and now he does this.

@LiterallyOnFire thank you, perfect summary!

But his behaviour was vile before, this is just the latest thing. It’s not news to you that he’s selfish and irresponsible. He being good with your DD over the last year understandably raised your expectations and this has brought you back down.

I think you need to summon him back for another discussion op. Be honest and say you are very disappointed he has had to think so hard about this. Also discuss the point about his responsibilities overnight.

How is his mh now? Is his reluctance something to do with that? It’s probably not about finance if he has being paying his way up to now. If his mh is still
shaky, it might be that he fears he won’t be able to follow through?

Or is he contemplating relationships with others and wanting to start “afresh”? 🤬

Maybe ask him what sort of person he wants to be for his child and how he wants to be remembered by her?

I’d be furious too op but I think you need to try and have a civilised not pressured conversation with him about his reasons.

Sounds to me as if this bloke is doing his best, but his best isn't that great.
I think he sounds genuine and he wants to be decent and do the right thing, but at the same time he's immature and unreliable.
Abandoning you both like that is unforgivable.

@GoawaySunrise thanks. Yes I have, I was quite cross about it and said exactly what you’ve said… that it’s playing with her emotional security to do something like this and she will always wonder if dad was embarrassed etc. He said he knew that but he wanted to ‘review it’ first. He knows I think it’s disgusting. I’ve text today and said to let me know if he’s filling it in this week.

@LiterallyOnFire yes i think you’re right. I do sometimes look at him with dd and think I can’t believe he’s the same man who did what he did. What would you make of this then? Would you just accept him saying he won’t fill in the form to be added and continue to be civil? I don’t know if I have it in me to be civil towards someone who can be so vile about his own child’s birth certificate

Honestly i would treat him like a slightly daffy au pair or babysitter. Good with your daughter but not to be relied on and not really a fully functioning adult. I mean, do you expect him to be an equal decision partner through medical, educational decisions etc? He's striking me as more the "fun uncle" type from your description.

Just try to mentally detach as much as you can. He will eventually do something else disappointing.

Agree

@0sm0nthus you have described him so precisely here! No doubt he is vile for what he did but (and I do still hate to admit it), he does love dd and it shows when he’s with her. He is a complex character and had a difficult upbringing himself. But I don’t feel it’s an excuse. He’s a grown man now and should do right by her

I get how you feel OP, but could you reframe it as a positive that if he were ever to behave terribly again, him not being on the BC gives him an extra barrier to overcome if he ever tried to assert his parental responsibilities in a way you didn’t agree with? Him not being on it could be beneficial to you at a later date (ie if he wants to take your DD abroad but you’re not keen etc).

and let’s him call her dad etc
It's heartbreaking that you have used this phrase. He should be proud and delighted to have a daughter, his heart should burst upon hearing her say the word daddy. But instead you and your precious daughter have to be grateful that he is willing to be acknowledged as her father 🥺

@Bassetthoundears i have asked his reasons, he literally can’t answer the question. He just repeats ‘I need to review it.’ He can’t answer because he knows that saying ‘I don’t want any formal recognition of responsibility towards her’ exposes what a vile person he can be. And I don’t know how to be around him even to talk about dd now he’s behaved like this. Weirdly even after everything, this feels like the final straw

What difference does it make to your child what is says on the birth cert at the moment? I'd be more concerned about whether he is taking an active role, which he seems to be. If he has had a genuine MH crisis then it might not necessarily have been a bad thing that he kept apart whilst he was dealing with it as it may have been quite stressful for you to have dealt with a new baby and a partner with MH difficulties. Personally, I wouldn't get hung up on this birth cert issue and would give him a chance to prove himself and revisit this issue later

@0sm0nthus I know. I was hoping their bond would grow and it has. But you’re right that the fact I even had to wait for that is deeply sad

I feel very torn, it's because he's jealous isn't it, he's jealous that a child is getting the attention that he wants.
But if he genuinely does love her then there is something to build on. It's very hard for you though OP, having to be the only grown-up😕
Maybe he will grow up in time?

But that could change any time, he may have another episode and disappear again. He may marry someone and move away, who knows what will happen in the next ten years or more. By the time she's a teenager he may be a distant memory.

I guess there are two things do you want him on the BC as a proof that he's going to stick around or do you want it so that she knows who her dad was and about his side of the family even if he's long gone by the time she grows up?

@Witsend101 i guess no difference at the moment. You’re right. I just wish he could behave normally like 90% of parents. But it makes no difference to her right now, I agree

If he is on the BC, then he also gets parental responsibility in a legal sense. Am I right in thinking this includes needing his permission for certain things, such as talking your child abroad etc? Perhaps other posters can confirm this. Would you really want this with a man who has proven himself so unreliable, and now clearly not very committed too?

@Trickabrick thank you, that’s a good point

His name should be on the birth certificate as he is the father, you should do everything on your side to facilitate that happening, so you are doing the right thing. Continue in that truck and if he wants to be on it allow him, for your child's sake.

Isn’t it better for you that he isn’t on the BC? Doesn’t that give him more “rights” like a say in medical treatment, education or you moving abroad or anything. To be that he left for a year and has been back for the same I personally wouldn’t be keen on anything that gives him more of a say in our lives. It’s lovely he’s making bonds but it’s early stages and anything could happen. He’s still her dad whether on BC or not. He’s paying maintenance and if all goes well he’ll continue to be a loving supportive father to her. I would let this BC issue drop and readdress in several years time once the longevity of him commitment to her has been proven. You’d be making your life harder if he goes on BC and hers wouldn’t change in terms of contact. She’ll always know who her dad is if he’s around and if he’s not then you’ll tell her who he was.