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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

354 replies

wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:30

I have a an almost two year old with my ex. We were very happy, then during pregnancy he had some sort of mental breakdown. He didn’t see dd until just before her first birthday though he did pay his share financially. He has apologised, obviously means next to f all after what he did, but has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Anyway, and I know this is a controversial topic on mumsnet and the usual thing is to leave a man like this off the birth certificate… but I actually want him on it. I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it. I’m not concerned that he would want shared care of dd as he is very happy that she lives with me, but even if he did, I have the funds to face a legal battle if needed. I simply feel strongly she should have her parents both on it.

I mentioned this to him last night and to my surprise he said he wanted to ‘think about it.’ He said he knew it was right he should be on there but he needed to look into it first.

I feel like I honestly can’t be around him even with dd anymore, I have such little respect for him. He’s said he will let me know this week if he will fill the form in… but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this? I guess I was just expecting him to want to be on it and that would be that… but it’s thrown me a bit. I feel angry that he would want to evade any sense of formal responsibility towards her. I know he will always have financial responsibility so it doesn’t really matter I suppose but it does bother me. Any thoughts?! I know it’s random but I despair really that after everything he can’t even do a normal thing like this without a drama

OP posts:
Trixiefirecracker · 15/04/2024 15:13

He is showing you who he is, take notice.

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2024 15:15

MILTOBE · 15/04/2024 13:32

But didn't you put him on the birth certificate at the time?

IMO any person who said they didn't want to be on their own child's birth certificate doesn't deserve anything to do with their child.

How could she?

He'd gone AWOL

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2024 15:16

Painauraison · 15/04/2024 13:38

The birth certificate and him being a decent father are 2 separate things.

He is her biological father so his name on the certificate is compulsory in my opinion, you shouldn't mess around with things like this. His name not being on there doesn't make him not the father.

She can only put him on if he's in agreement though?

They're not married

Sharptonguedwoman · 15/04/2024 15:17

MILTOBE · 15/04/2024 13:32

But didn't you put him on the birth certificate at the time?

IMO any person who said they didn't want to be on their own child's birth certificate doesn't deserve anything to do with their child.

You can't. So many dramas on TV get this wrong. If you are married, either can register the child, If not, both people have to be there, you can't add someone in absentia. I know this through personal experience.

Greywitch2 · 15/04/2024 15:20

I think you need to take a step back from him, OP. I agree that he's weak and unreliable so just grey rock him. Don't be particularly friendly and don't ever have any expectations of being able to depend upon him. You can't.

Be civil for the sake of your dd, but reserved. He's not a great father, even if he's managing the basics for the moment. He's always looking for a 'get out clause' in the back of his mind if he doesn't want the responsibility or gets bored with parenthood.

Tcateh · 15/04/2024 15:23

Ime that final nail is your gut telling you that everything he was is still true.
Don't let your child's present delight colour sensibility op.

Honestly I speak from long experience of thinking a father has stepped up and I envisage that it you may regret being so generous in the future.

His reaction has not surprisingly shocked you. It stinks really and to be honest it will very likely be that he'll let her down again.

I know i probably sound very cynical but I'm still in utter disbelief 20 yrs on at how my wonderful ex husband has behaved towards our dc.

I was far too kindly for the 'good' of my dc and my goodness I learnt.

ByeAgain · 15/04/2024 15:42

I think he is looking to see if there will be any financial ramifications for himself this way. I bet that’s the thing he is wanting to ‘review’.

Leave him off. Don’t let the temptation of having a ‘nuclear’ family on paper affect your decision.

Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 15:44

@Tcateh thanks and I am sorry you’ve had similar experiences of being let down. I suppose ive found it almost like a break to see him in a different light to how I saw him for that first year. I couldn’t believe what a monster he was and since he’s stepped it up I’ve wanted to believe in a sense of normality. I’ve never known anyone so dysfunctional and I genuinely feel nauseous even reading these replies because he is disgusting isn’t he? That’s the reality. He’s not replied to my message confirming he’s sending the signed form back. Just so sick of it all and i know after this I absolutely can’t make small talk with him in the way I have been doing the last year

OP posts:
Lindalove · 15/04/2024 15:52

What was the cause of his breakdown? Is he really a monster or someone who has mental health issues which may have been made worse at the prospect of becoming a dad (unbeknown to you or him?). Feels like there are a lot of unknowns or details missing here which may explain if not exonerate his ‘ghosting’ of you both in your child’s first year. It may also explain his attitude to the birth certificate.

ijustneedtokeepbreathing · 15/04/2024 15:57

StopStartStop · 15/04/2024 13:43

Don't do it.
Life is (hopefully) long and (hopefully not) complicated.
People can be nice one day and shits the next.
Keep your life, and your child's life, as simple as possible.

eta: Be glad he won't sign. Continue being civil, as long as he is civil to you and your child. Don't expect him to be the man/father you would like, just appreciate the bits he can do and forge ahead without much consideration of him at all.

Edited

This is excellent advice from @StopStartStop .

pikkumyy77 · 15/04/2024 16:00

Take back control in any way you can. I think the whole process of offering to let him be on the birth certificate and him delaying/refusing is like another kind of death of hope for you. It must have been devastating to go through this abandonment the first time! Now he is doing it again! But this time you can see that he is functional when he wants to be.

I k ow this is unpopular but I would cut him off sooner rather than later. You can’t let your innocent dd develop deep feelings of reliance on him because he will always put his convenience or his whim above her.

He may be able to play with her now but when she gets old enough to make demands he will back off or excuse himself at the psychological moment: the moment of greatest need and most harm.

Tell him he can pay child support and make her the heir of his life insurance but that is it. You don’t choose to put him on the BC or call him her father in any but the most formal sense.

Doingmybest12 · 15/04/2024 16:08

I would find this hard to move on from.Sounds like you've been really accommodating and doing all you can to foster a good relationship. But I would now be neutral with him, polite and do the minimum. Agree set times for contact and leave him to sort out his priorities. Sadly you can't make him be another person and his name on the certificate won't change that but it has been a timely reminder.

Singleandproud · 15/04/2024 16:14

Did he actually have a proper mental breakdown? does he have a history of poor MH? Has he fully recovered? Or was it an excuse to leave? If he has poor MH then I wouldn't be in any rush to add him right now, you can always do it in the future.

Him financially supporting and turning up is enough for now if his MH is poor. The additionally 'stress' of perceived responsibility might just be too much. If anything were to happen to you she would goto him ashe has PR opposed to someone you nominate/ grandparent who might be in a better position.

Or of course, he could just be a dick who runs from his responsibilities and doesn't want to 'officially' be a dad as it would mess with his dating game.

My DD has a good relationship with her dad, sees him frequently but only on a Sunday, that's all she's ever known and she describes it like visiting an Uncle. He cares for her and it's nice to see him but she doesn't view him in any sort of parental role. Whilst his name is on her BC he has never asserted any input other than a bit of posturing when she was younger about everything he was going to do.

category12 · 15/04/2024 16:17

Leave the ball in his court at this point.

It's probably better for you and your child, if this unreliable man doesn't have the power to put a spoke in your wheel about decisions you might make for her.

Yes it's shit that he isn't leaping at the opportunity, but it reveals that he hasn't changed and you can't trust him to do the right thing, but only what suits him.

MumblesParty · 15/04/2024 16:17

I would point out to him that if he’s not on the BC, then he has no say in anything relating to his daughter’s life while she’s young. That means you can move to Australia with her, change her school without telling him, make any health related decisions without his involvement. You could even prevent him seeing her if she was in hospital. Without that legal document he has no rights at all. He could come to visit one day and you could be gone, moved to the other side of the world, and there’s nothing he could do about it.

With lack of obligation comes lack of rights. He needs to understand that.

On the flip side, it may be better for you if he’s not on the BC. He sounds flakey at best, and down right vile at worst. So maybe it’s better if you don’t have to take his opinion into consideration when making decisions for your daughter.

category12 · 15/04/2024 16:20

MumblesParty · 15/04/2024 16:17

I would point out to him that if he’s not on the BC, then he has no say in anything relating to his daughter’s life while she’s young. That means you can move to Australia with her, change her school without telling him, make any health related decisions without his involvement. You could even prevent him seeing her if she was in hospital. Without that legal document he has no rights at all. He could come to visit one day and you could be gone, moved to the other side of the world, and there’s nothing he could do about it.

With lack of obligation comes lack of rights. He needs to understand that.

On the flip side, it may be better for you if he’s not on the BC. He sounds flakey at best, and down right vile at worst. So maybe it’s better if you don’t have to take his opinion into consideration when making decisions for your daughter.

Edited

I think she should leave him to work that out for himself. After all, he's said he's going to "look into it".

He's a grown man, he doesn't need spoon-feeding.

LavenderPup · 15/04/2024 16:21

If he had a serious MH breakdown then him not being around for a year is understandable…..not nice for you both of course but I would try not to take it personally. MH is such a tricky thing. He is trying his best now by what you’re saying.

Forget the BC a signed one doesn’t make him a good or bad parent. He isn’t someone you can rely upon to be there 100% but if he’s good for your daughter then that’s a positive thing. Not what you expected from the relationship and that’s understandably painful.

Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 16:22

Thanks for the advice.

to answer some questions, I have assumed some sort of mental breakdown as he just went off the rails really. He lost a very very well paid job (luckily he’s since found another) and just went dark on me so I gave birth alone and he only paid once I went to cms. It took another 8 months for him to get in contact about meeting her. I just wanted dd to have some sort of normal life where she sees her dad and that is what has now happened, he does see her regularly and is very attentive with her. But this has just made me so furious. I’ve told him is absolute disgusting to leave you child’s birth certificate blank and to not be man enough to say why that is. He can’t explain is as he knows it is shitty.

I feel like I’ve been walked all over for so long. I’ve put up with so much just so she has her dad in her life. I know he makes her happy, I can see it clearly when they’re together. I can’t take that away from her but also don’t know how I can even so much as look at him when this is who he truly is. I despise him so much and all this has done has reminded me of what a monster he was to leave me carrying his child and all I went through totally alone for so long.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 15/04/2024 16:23

I'd give it a few years and see how he shapes up before putting his name on the BC (otherwise you might regret it).

umberelladay · 15/04/2024 16:23

It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.
I think the problem is you still haven't forgiven him (understandable) Therefore you have made what you thought is a kind and grand gesture.
He panicked, didn't understand what it all means and said he needed to think..

You got kicked again. You're smarting that you feel you offered him the moon and he was reluctant.. But it's good to remember it's you who has pondered over the decision and you who has researched it..for him it was a bit of a bolt out of the blue.

I'd take a step back, just allow access, don't get involved and be careful of offering anything he might be freaked out by or not understand. In short softly softly.

BTW I'd hold a grudge also.

Singleandproud · 15/04/2024 16:25

@wooldryxptto Take it as a good thing, you won't ever be tempted to get back together with him which often happens and then it becomes an on/off relationship which is far more damaging for all involved.
Be there to facilitate contact and think of him as an invested babysitter so you can get some jobs done or take a nap as being a single parent from the off is hard.

Changeusernameseeusernamehistory · 15/04/2024 16:26

Another one voting keep him off the BC as he can’t be relied on or trusted and is volatile. It is better that someone like this doesn’t have parental responsibility.

I have MH problems aplenty and I sought help rather than run away from my responsibilities so I don’t believe it is a get out of jail free card.

W0rkerBee · 15/04/2024 16:26

For both your sakes, do nothing.
It sounds like however much he"s got to give parenting, it will be more if its not formalised, or legally.
Also for your sake, keep control. Imagine you gave him rights and then he got a new woman and she was up for a blended family

JennyForeigner · 15/04/2024 16:28

Act on how you feel. It feels like a last straw to you, so see it as such.

Withdraw any emotional component of the ask without withdrawing the ask. Simply repeat over and over again like an automaton that he is x's father and should be recorded as such on her birth certificate. If he will not agree to that then you may have to explain his choice to your daughter at the appropriate time and in an appropriate manner. Any hurt that is not your responsibility and not something you can protect her from.

But... you are not asking this of him. You are telling him it the right thing to do. There is no emotional pressure or component for which you are responsible and his response gives him no power over you. Withdraw your emotional labour and any pain, he hasn't deserved that from you.

pikkumyy77 · 15/04/2024 16:28

Move on with your life. More important than her sperm donor is the next partner in your life—if any. That person will show her what romantic love and parental love and care look like. That person will hopefully show your dd what good, solid, reliable parenting is. He absolutely won’t and if he is the only father figure available she will end up chasing unavailable men her whole life and thinking it is normal.