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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

354 replies

wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:30

I have a an almost two year old with my ex. We were very happy, then during pregnancy he had some sort of mental breakdown. He didn’t see dd until just before her first birthday though he did pay his share financially. He has apologised, obviously means next to f all after what he did, but has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Anyway, and I know this is a controversial topic on mumsnet and the usual thing is to leave a man like this off the birth certificate… but I actually want him on it. I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it. I’m not concerned that he would want shared care of dd as he is very happy that she lives with me, but even if he did, I have the funds to face a legal battle if needed. I simply feel strongly she should have her parents both on it.

I mentioned this to him last night and to my surprise he said he wanted to ‘think about it.’ He said he knew it was right he should be on there but he needed to look into it first.

I feel like I honestly can’t be around him even with dd anymore, I have such little respect for him. He’s said he will let me know this week if he will fill the form in… but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this? I guess I was just expecting him to want to be on it and that would be that… but it’s thrown me a bit. I feel angry that he would want to evade any sense of formal responsibility towards her. I know he will always have financial responsibility so it doesn’t really matter I suppose but it does bother me. Any thoughts?! I know it’s random but I despair really that after everything he can’t even do a normal thing like this without a drama

OP posts:
umberelladay · 15/04/2024 16:28

He has PR without being on the birth certificate. It really makes no difference at all.
Court would order a pat test if need be, but OP has named him as the father and accepted child support.

There's no advantage keeping him off, or putting him on.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 15/04/2024 16:32

Laiste · 15/04/2024 13:39

You don't have to be married to have the father on the BC.

afaik

Show quote history

Yes but they have to be present if you’re not married and he was absent at the time.

FrenchieF · 15/04/2024 16:37

He’s shown you twice now the kind of man he is. Don’t put him on the birth certificate. Don’t even mention it again he’s had two chances.

LessonsinChemistryandLove · 15/04/2024 16:38

No he doesn’t legally have PR if not named, if he applied to court in the future, he would likely get it quite easily though.

I would also just leave it OP, I would be pissed off too but ultimately, it’s on him to deal with. If he continues to be a consistent part of your child’s life, he will have to answer those questions to her.

I am though, uncomfortable with the idea on MN that not allowing a dad to be on the BC is quite a flippant decision. Yes it does give the father legal rights but it is fair to do so, unless there are significant safeguarding risks not to, imo. I know a few adults who don’t have anyone named as it’s not nice for them.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 15/04/2024 16:40

@wooldryxptto sorry but what i cannot fathom is how he was able to contact you when he was ready to, because I would have just blocked him altogether and gone no contact when he was behaving shittily or having his "breakdown" when he disappeared off the planet!! why the hell would you want anyone who has to think twice to have his name on your baby's birth certificate??

Katbum · 15/04/2024 16:42

There’s a phrase ‘trust that he sucks’. He already showed you he is a bad person with no loyalty when he left you and your daughter for the first year of her life. It’s not even bare minimum to pay his obligations and be kind to his child. In a way, it’s good he has done this because it shows you he in fact hasn’t changed and is still a terrible person. He sucks. Trust it. Do what you need to protect yourself and your DD from this man while maintaining a cordial relationship for her sake.

LessonsinChemistryandLove · 15/04/2024 16:42

And also, if he genuinely had a MH crisis, it’s hardly his fault. It’s seems a bit unfair to punish him for that if he is trying now to be the parent he needs to be. Obviously, if he’s just shit then that’s different. I’m very mindful of the high risk of suicide in men, it’s not helpful to dismiss crisis, even if it creates shitty behaviour.

Op I would feel exactly as you do though, and totally get why you’re upset. But overall, it sounds like your doing the right thing for your daughter and putting her first, that’s really all you can do.

BirthdayRainbow · 15/04/2024 16:45

I've only read the OP so far as want to focus on what you originally said.

My father is not on my birth certificate, parents not married so couldn't go on as not there, but I was given his surname. I felt shame but I realise now I shouldn't. So I understand your feeling.

However, the minute he said he would think about it I'd say nothing to him but in my head I'd take back the offer. If he has to think about it he must have thought he had a reason not to trust you.

SanctusInDistress · 15/04/2024 16:46

I would question his reason for not wanting to be named on tbe certificate.

i suspect he’s thinking he may not always want to be around and he doesn’t want a legal paper saying he’s legally tbe father therefore he needs to contribute etc.

i think your daughter is going to have her heart broken by him so you need to ensure you prepare her for it. Ie, don’t expect anything from him so anything he gives is a bonus. It could stop at any moment.

grinandslothit · 15/04/2024 16:47

I think the main problem here is that you're still expecting this plonker and arsehole to act like a normal human being. That is just fantasy and wishful thinking.

This is never going to be a happy family or happy co parenting situation. I think you're going to have to accept that.

Have you thought that maybe a relationship with her idiotic father is not in her best interest?

Of course she likes him she's going to like anybody who plays with her on a regular basis. This could be a dog, a cat, a kid at the playground, etc. That doesn't mean there's any type of true relationship or bonding going on it's just a little kid being a little kid.

I think you're making far too many excuses for him and accepting and excusing his horrible behavior . It was horrible, and it is horrible because he is not a nice person. He is a selfish arsehole.

He doesn't want to be on the birth certificate. He thinks he should be cajoled in convinced to do it, which means he is an arsehole.

Focus on your child instead of accommodating and coddling this idiot.

Topsyturvy78 · 15/04/2024 16:50

AnnetteKurtan · 15/04/2024 13:35

You didn’t put him on the first place

what if he has another breakdown

he hasn’t even jumped at the chance to get his name in the certificate

I think you’ve put on some rose tinted glasses and should have left the genie in the bottle.

also he’s only been playing good dad for less than he has going AWOL. Tread carefully.

Edited

The father has to be present when registering the birth for them to be on it.

Blueocean18 · 15/04/2024 17:03

Createausername1970 · 15/04/2024 15:00

It is odd, but your DD will benefit more from actually having him present in her life. So as much as this might annoy me, I think it might be best to let it lie for the time being, and keep on doing what you are doing to encourage the relationship between them.

Things may change naturally rather than by being forced.

I agree with what everyone here is posting but ultimately my thoughts concur with Createusername. This man obviously has mental health issues having had some sort of breakdown in the past. It's not an excuse but certainly something to consider in the bigger picture going forward. His feelings about the birth certificate could change the more his relationship with his daughter develops, especially when she is old enough to ask him about it herself if he hasn't already addressed it by signing.

BirthdayRainbow · 15/04/2024 17:04

ExcitedButNervous0424 · 15/04/2024 14:04

Personally I’d be worrying that he isn’t seeing being in his daughter’s life as a long term plan for himself.

If he doesn’t even want to commit to being on her birth certificate then I doubt he’s committed to being a permanent fixture in her life.

I would be very wary about how well you let your daughter bond with her dad as I have a feeling he’ll scarper again at some point and she’ll be heartbroken 😢

You can't quantify or control a bond.

GlitchStitch · 15/04/2024 17:10

He has PR without being on the birth certificate. It really makes no difference at all.

No he doesn't.

OP it's understandable that you are upset but as others have said try to think of the positives. He has already shown himself to be unstable, flaky and behaving in ways you couldn't have previously imagined. This way you don't have to answer to him on decisions and have the full say on issues related to your daughter.

If he were to prove himself consistent over a very long period of time the subject could always be revisited but at the moment I think it's far better for him not be on there.

neverendingcold · 15/04/2024 17:14

I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it why?

Andthereyougo · 15/04/2024 17:24

First thought is he thinks it’ll make it easier for him to disappear and not be traced if his name’s not on it.
Sadly I don’t think he’ll ever be anything but a Disney dad.
Acid test is to ask yourself how he’d step up, or not, if you or dd were seriously ill. Would he? Or would he run?

DrJoanAllenby · 15/04/2024 17:25

He had a breakdown but has now recovered and made good with seeing his daughter, providing for her and being a decent father albeit no longer with you or living as a family.

Can you really not see that he may have been surprised at what you said and taken by surprise said he would have to think about it given that he obviously has previously suffered a troubled mind perhaps unable to cope with responsibility.

His actions speak louder than words and you have now rocked the boat.

neverendingcold · 15/04/2024 17:27

DrJoanAllenby · 15/04/2024 17:25

He had a breakdown but has now recovered and made good with seeing his daughter, providing for her and being a decent father albeit no longer with you or living as a family.

Can you really not see that he may have been surprised at what you said and taken by surprise said he would have to think about it given that he obviously has previously suffered a troubled mind perhaps unable to cope with responsibility.

His actions speak louder than words and you have now rocked the boat.

Mum didn't get a choice

umberelladay · 15/04/2024 17:28

GlitchStitch · 15/04/2024 17:10

He has PR without being on the birth certificate. It really makes no difference at all.

No he doesn't.

OP it's understandable that you are upset but as others have said try to think of the positives. He has already shown himself to be unstable, flaky and behaving in ways you couldn't have previously imagined. This way you don't have to answer to him on decisions and have the full say on issues related to your daughter.

If he were to prove himself consistent over a very long period of time the subject could always be revisited but at the moment I think it's far better for him not be on there.

He would need a trip to court, would be seen very fast if Op decided to block access. So yes he does really.
She takes the money, she's admitted he is the dad.

It's all but in name.

Blocking access to a child or thinking you can withhold PR is foolish and will not look good in court.

You don't get to set parameters for what you decide is best! He is her dad, op chose him, he has rights, he doesn't need to be consistent for a long period if time. He is her dad. PR granted...even dangerous people get access to children.

grinandslothit · 15/04/2024 17:37

umberelladay · 15/04/2024 17:28

He would need a trip to court, would be seen very fast if Op decided to block access. So yes he does really.
She takes the money, she's admitted he is the dad.

It's all but in name.

Blocking access to a child or thinking you can withhold PR is foolish and will not look good in court.

You don't get to set parameters for what you decide is best! He is her dad, op chose him, he has rights, he doesn't need to be consistent for a long period if time. He is her dad. PR granted...even dangerous people get access to children.

Show quote history

No, the courts are used to dealing with these dropkicks. He abandoned his child, and that doesn't look good in the courts . He doesn't strike me as the type to do anything on his own it would just be too much effort and money to go to court.

So many are like this, and then they just slink off, and they pop up periodically for a photo op or a disney dad experience.

TruthorDie · 15/04/2024 17:41

He wants to “think about it”?! Nah, retract the idea. You have been very understanding of him (more than l would have been) but he’s still taking the piss. He sounds very avoidant and immature, it’s a good thing you stepped up as he sounds like a nightmare to me. Him playing the mental health card is super convenient

takemeawayagain · 15/04/2024 17:44

I disagree with others here. If he had a mental breakdown where he lost pretty much everything then that's not his fault is it? No one chooses to have a mental breakdown. It's not something he could help. It sounds like he maybe terrified of failing as a father due to his own childhood, although he desperately wants to be a good one. Maybe that's why he is scared of being on the birth certificate, because he doesn't feel good enough to be her dad and he's terrified of letting her down. It seems to me that you're putting words in his mouth that may or may not be correct.

It's sad, unfortunate and unfair that everything fell to you - but the guy had a mental breakdown. He didn't just get bored and run off with someone else. I understand you're resentful but I think you're letting it really impact your view of everything.

umberelladay · 15/04/2024 17:48

grinandslothit · 15/04/2024 17:37

No, the courts are used to dealing with these dropkicks. He abandoned his child, and that doesn't look good in the courts . He doesn't strike me as the type to do anything on his own it would just be too much effort and money to go to court.

So many are like this, and then they just slink off, and they pop up periodically for a photo op or a disney dad experience.

Show quote history

NO! I have a family member who specialises in this. The court will side with access for a parent. Especially one who has suffered a mental health breakdown, sought help and re established consistent contact, paid his way.
Don't give advice when you are clearly uninformed and biased.

The man had a mental health issue, he has done the right thing since.

category12 · 15/04/2024 17:53

umberelladay · 15/04/2024 17:48

NO! I have a family member who specialises in this. The court will side with access for a parent. Especially one who has suffered a mental health breakdown, sought help and re established consistent contact, paid his way.
Don't give advice when you are clearly uninformed and biased.

The man had a mental health issue, he has done the right thing since.

Show quote history

We don't know he had a mental breakdown - OP said that's what she assumed it was.

"to answer some questions, I have assumed some sort of mental breakdown as he just went off the rails really. He lost a very very well paid job (luckily he’s since found another) and just went dark on me so I gave birth alone and he only paid once I went to cms. "

It could have been he didn't like the direction his life was going in, got fed up of responsibilities, his job etc and chucked it all in.

Jabbawocki · 15/04/2024 18:00

Fuck that guy. Weak, weak man.