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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not share DD's form

173 replies

storm89 · 15/04/2024 09:03

I'm a single parent to my DD9. She was diagnosed with autism last year and the Doctor told me about DLA. I got round to applying for it this year (I put it off for ages as the form looked awful!) and she has recently been awarded it.

My friend has a DD in the same class as mine and she has just been diagnosed with autism (she's actually very similar to my DD). I was talking to her over text last night and she's asked me to email her a copy of the DLA form so that she can basically copy and paste, as she thinks this will result in her DD also being awarded.

This doesn't sit right with me - the form was very specific to DD's needs which won't be identical to her DD's. It also took me hours to fill out!

AIBU if I say no, even if it makes things awkward? My friend does ask for an awful lot of favours so I'm not sure if that is clouding my judgement a bit.

OP posts:
Kittybakes89 · 15/04/2024 12:52

Regardless of the fraud aspect. If you share that data you lose all control of it.
If another mum you don't know asks her for the same favour it will be your child's form she's sends.
There's nothing stopping her sharing it with whoever she likes, she could even post it online if she felt like it or you fell out.
You're right to say no to this.

PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance · 15/04/2024 13:06

No! Definitely not. It could flag up your application.. if the same person asseses it.. they might think they have read it before and think you're both scamming..
No two people in the whole world are the same..
So how can she say 100% her daughter is exactly same as yours.
I have four Grzndsons with ASD and all different.. eldest has aspergers and now gets PIP in his own right..

DiamondArtists · 15/04/2024 13:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Codlingmoths · 15/04/2024 13:11

I would just say that it’s really personal information about your daughter, several hours worth, and you won’t be sharing it except with medical professionals, but your offer to come over stands.

honeylulu · 15/04/2024 13:17

Please don't share it.

Your daughter deserves privacy.
The facts of each individual application will be different so it won't be right for another applicant.
If she cuts and pastes chunks from yours which aren't applicable then you have unwittingly assisted her with benefits fraud.
If the text/detail is recognised as copied from yours you could both be in a lot of trouble.
She's grabby and cheeky - even turning down the very generous offer of you helping her. She wants it on a plate or nothing! (Give her nothing. )

Be firm. State your answer and don't engage with any nagging/wheedling.

As she "asks for a lot of favours" she'll still want to keep you as a friend. She knows what side her bread is buttered!

ItIsifISayItIs · 15/04/2024 13:18

Gobsmacked at the absolute cf!

My first - and only -response would be a snort of derision, a shake of my head and the words “Aw hell no! Are you mad? You have to do your own, for your own child, and it’s all private info. I’ll help you, but that’s it”

And repeat… if she doesn’t like your answer - tough - You didn’t like her question!!

AmyDudley · 15/04/2024 13:19

Absolutely don't do it. tell her it is personal information. Also it could well get flagged up and you might lose your child's award. Also can you guarantee that having used it she won;t then share it with someone else, who might hare it with someone else again and so on ?

Crazy of her to even ask (I know the forms are horrendous -probably deliberately so to put people off applying - but you can't just copy someone else's)

EmmaGrundyForPM · 15/04/2024 13:21

Trickabrick · 15/04/2024 09:56

“Sorry it contains my daughter’s private medical information which I won’t be disclosing. My offer to come round and help you fill in your form still stands though”. Then rinse and repeat if she pushes it.

This.

Whatever you do, please don't share the form. Once you've shared it you've got no control over it. Your friend could share it with someone else who could share it on again.

CrispieCake · 15/04/2024 13:21

Just say you're not sharing your DD's private medical and personal information. End of.

TeeBee · 15/04/2024 13:23

'Sorry, it contains my daughter's private medical information so I won't be sharing it'.

easylikeasundaymorn · 15/04/2024 13:23

bellezarara · 15/04/2024 12:44

Does she know this? Just say you don't have it.

Show quote history

I would personally just say no, it contains too much of your dds private info, but this is a good point if youd rather not ruffle feathers/make things awkward. Even if you have mentioned having a copy just say you spent yesterday looking for it and can't find it anyway. I think this is an occasion where a white lie is justified. Even if she doesn't believe you, so what? She'd be stupid to throw away a friendship (and what sounds like a source of a lot of help to her - not clear if it's reciprocal) for something she can't prove particularly if you're still offering to help her fill the form out herself.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/04/2024 13:26

Nope. It's your DD's private medical information, and not yours to share.

Applescruffle · 15/04/2024 13:26

You're not being unreasonable

I used to help people fill out those forms for a living so don't get me wrong - I am very aware of how hard they are to fill out and how difficult it is to get DLA, even as someone who is very much entitled. So don't think I don't feel for your friend.

But it's a very personal thing and it was rude of her to ask you to show her such intimate information. Offering to help was more than enough and it's on her if she wants to decline that offer.

socks1107 · 15/04/2024 13:27

I'd say it has lots of personal information you don't want to share on it

TeeBee · 15/04/2024 13:28

Can we stop spreading the idea that we need to cover up being honest about our feelings? The OP is not being unreasonable to not want to share her daughter's private medical information and it's perfectly okay to say so. We don't need to sugarcoat everything. She doesn't owe this (cheeky) woman anything. If she wants to take you up on the offer for help, that's up to her but this information belongs to your daughter, not to you and certainly not to this other mum. We don't exist to ease the comfort of others.

Trulyme · 15/04/2024 13:33

walkerscrispsarethenuts · 15/04/2024 09:05

Can you tell her you can't find it?

If not simply say you won't because there is a lot of personal information on it.

I would do this.

I definitely wouldn’t send her the form (say you can’t find it as the PP said).

But offer to help her fill it in.

If she doesn’t want your help filling it in, then so be it.

vincettenoir · 15/04/2024 13:33

If this doesn’t sit right with you then definitely don’t share it.

If you don’t want to get into the whys and wherefores you can say you can’t find it. I usually think it’s best to be upfront but in this case I think it’s easier and more effective to say you can’t find it than giving an essay on why you don’t want to share (even though it should be bloody obvious that you are completely entitled to want to keep your DD’s medical information (information that is not even your personal data) private).

walkerscrispsarethenuts · 15/04/2024 13:36

And if you share it with her, she could then start sharing it with other people so they can do the same.

Who knows who could end up seeing it.

It's confidential to your daughter!

PollyPut · 15/04/2024 13:36

storm89 · 15/04/2024 09:07

I've offered to go round to hers and help her fill it out but she declined - she only wants me to send her the form.

You offer to go around and fill it in with her is more than reasonable. You do not need to send her your (daughters) information and you might even get into trouble for doing so.

Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia · 15/04/2024 13:38

YANBU - if a friend asked me, I’d laugh and say something like ‘oh god of course not! It’s full of private stuff specifically about dd and yours will have to be too, you plonker! I can send you some links to help though, and the citizens advice bureau can help too’
I wouldn’t offer to help fill in the forms tbh as cheeky fuckers like her are likely to blame you if they’re not awarded what they hoped for.

ByeAgain · 15/04/2024 13:42

Are you a people-pleaser? If so, then this is the time to stop.

OzziePopPop · 15/04/2024 13:50

I wouldn’t show mine to anyone. It’s far too personal.

noonesayscheese · 15/04/2024 13:50

It's not your information to share, it's about your daughter. Don't share.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 15/04/2024 14:02

Cofaki · 15/04/2024 09:04

I think yabu. Those forms are notoriously really difficult to fill out and it would be really helpful for your friend to be able to use yours as a bit of a template that she can then personalise to her child. It makes no difference to you if she uses it, but just be clear that she needs to rewrite it and only use it as an inspiration rather than copying and pasting.

And how exactly would that condition be enforced?

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