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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not share DD's form

173 replies

storm89 · 15/04/2024 09:03

I'm a single parent to my DD9. She was diagnosed with autism last year and the Doctor told me about DLA. I got round to applying for it this year (I put it off for ages as the form looked awful!) and she has recently been awarded it.

My friend has a DD in the same class as mine and she has just been diagnosed with autism (she's actually very similar to my DD). I was talking to her over text last night and she's asked me to email her a copy of the DLA form so that she can basically copy and paste, as she thinks this will result in her DD also being awarded.

This doesn't sit right with me - the form was very specific to DD's needs which won't be identical to her DD's. It also took me hours to fill out!

AIBU if I say no, even if it makes things awkward? My friend does ask for an awful lot of favours so I'm not sure if that is clouding my judgement a bit.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 15/04/2024 09:12

I don't think you're being unreasonable
Could you tell her you can't find the info you filled in?

Mammma91 · 15/04/2024 09:13

There’s a lot of personal information on those forms. I wouldn’t have been comfortable sharing my DS’s (also autistic and been awarded). YANBU. Just tell her you don’t have a copy of it.

Brendabigbaps · 15/04/2024 09:13

There are loads of charities / paid services out there who will help her and who have quality examples of how to fill it in. She just needs to sleek to asd groups/charities.

if you share the form with her your sharing your daughters personal medical info, how well do you trust her? Are you giving other kids ammunition for bullying later in life? They may be friends now but things change with kids.
I’m pretty sure my daughter who receives dla wouldnt want her friends family knowing all her intimate details

MistyBean · 15/04/2024 09:13

Not being unreasonable at all. As a previous poster said, I'd be concerned that it could come back to bite you if she ends up copying it too closely. It's private information that she isn't entitled to see.

WhoKnowsWhatToDoWithThis · 15/04/2024 09:13

Definitely don't feel pressured into doing this! It's totally unreasonable for your friend to ask this.

Tell her that you're not sharing your child's confidential and highly personal information.

The Cerebra charity has a great guide on how to complete the DLA form which I've used each time I've completed my child's application/renewal.

DisforDarkChocolate · 15/04/2024 09:14

It's your daughter's private medical information, no way should you share.

Mrsjayy · 15/04/2024 09:15

If she's insisting that means she is saying the 2 children are "the same" so she's fudging the form to just get the money. Just keep saying no it doesn't matter if she's upset or whatever.

RedHelenB · 15/04/2024 09:17

BettyShagter · 15/04/2024 09:05

You don't have to send her a copy.

Offer to go round and help her fill it in.

This. It needs to be about her child not yours.

GlobalCitz · 15/04/2024 09:21

That's an horrendous breach of your daughter's privacy and probably fraudulent too.

You offered to help her fill the forms, she declined, that's it.

I remember how hideous (and personal) it was to write all that information and I wouldn't be amenable to share it with a random school mum.

Winter2020 · 15/04/2024 09:25

I definitely would not share the form. If she copies chunks of it you could both be accused of trying to cheat the system.

My son is at special school so I have discussed DLA with several parents. We have chatted about needs/given each other advice. Never shared a form and wouldn't.

I think the best advice that I could give- that you could give to your friend is to make notes as things occur/or you think of them - perhaps on your phone. So, for example, - had to stop the car as child kept taking seat belt off or child ran off in shop etc/ up til 1am then awake again at 4 fir the rest of the night etc. Then when you are doing the form examples of behaviour are ready. My other advice would be if you have handwritten the form photocopy it - just in case - as it is a lot of work.

Oh that reminds me - if your friend phones up for a paper copy of the form the claim can be backdated to the date she phoned if she returns it in the timescale given - so she isn't losing time if it takes a few weeks to fill in.

cheddercherry · 15/04/2024 09:27

No it would be awful for you to betray your daughter’s personal information that way. It’s quite simply not your information to share.

She clearly can’t be that bothered since you’ve offered to go round and help - she just wants to copy and paste which could also come back and bite you. It’s quite possible with everything in the news on clamping down on benefit fraud that they’ll be able to detect a duplicate application as it’s really quite simple software to check.

Pinkywoo · 15/04/2024 09:31

vix3rd · 15/04/2024 09:09

Do you even have a copy of it ?
Last time I filled in a Benefits form it was online & then I pressed a button & it sent away & never had a copy ?

The DLA forms are only on paper and the thickness of a magazine!

OP not sure if you know but if your DD was awarded medium or high rate care you can apply for carers allowance, and no I definitely would not be sharing the forms with her.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 15/04/2024 09:36

YANBU.

She can do it herself, there are guides online that she can use. Surely she knows her child's struggles or is she making them out worse than what they actually are?

FictionalCharacter · 15/04/2024 09:36

It would be a breach of your daughter’s privacy and I’d tell her a firm no. How dare she! She can fill in her own form like everyone else.

isthesolution · 15/04/2024 09:39

I already submitted the form so I don't have a copy?

araiwa · 15/04/2024 09:45

Send her a blank form

MILTOBE · 15/04/2024 09:45

storm89 · 15/04/2024 09:07

I've offered to go round to hers and help her fill it out but she declined - she only wants me to send her the form.

She is obviously just going to copy and paste it. All you need is for someone reading it to think, "I've read this before" and you could be in trouble.

You've offered to help her, which is good of you, but I wouldn't give her the form at all. If you help her, I wouldn't take your form along.

Dontjudgeme101 · 15/04/2024 09:45

You have offered to help her. She’s a cf. Ignore her.

MoonCircles · 15/04/2024 09:45

Just direct her to the cerebra guide online which will be much more helpful to her than someone else’s form.

Trickabrick · 15/04/2024 09:56

“Sorry it contains my daughter’s private medical information which I won’t be disclosing. My offer to come round and help you fill in your form still stands though”. Then rinse and repeat if she pushes it.

tinkerbellesslagoon · 15/04/2024 10:02

Oh wow there’s no way I’d share what I wrote on my sons forms with anyone bar professionals… so personal and intimate. It would feel like a huge breach of his privacy.

GirlMum40 · 15/04/2024 10:03

Nah I'd just tell her you can't find it or something. I can understand you wanting to help if the girls are similar but no.

I once shared a form I'd filled out about my daughter with a good friend, for what I thought was a good enough reason (she was a trusted friend, knew a lot about the condition and I wanted her opinion) I regret it to this day. Even though she is young, that is my daughter's information to share, not mine. It should only be shared with other professionals for the best interest of the child.

foxidale32 · 15/04/2024 10:07

I'd just say no it contains sensitive information about my daughter that is private and I'm not comfortable sharing it.

Sprinkles211 · 15/04/2024 10:07

You are not being unreasonable do not share the form, she would be committing fraud if she just copy and pasted and you would be complying with that. Offer guidance, tell her your uncomfortable giving out such a confidential form and you would of needed medical evidence to prove certain aspects. My daughter is on dla I agonised over it for weeks, filling it in and the emotions that Went with it and to allow someone else to use her and her disabilities to their advantage even when that person has their own is horrible.

saraclara · 15/04/2024 10:27

I'm joining the choir. This is your DD's very personal and intimate information which no-one else is entitled to. I would be extremely firm about that. You've been generous in offering your help, and she's being absolutely unreasonable in asking for your child's personal information.

Don't sugar coat it. Just say "no, this is my daughter's personal and confidential information".