Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel irritated by DH asking me to cover up when I don't want sex?

433 replies

RaspberryRippleDuvet · 14/04/2024 19:18

There are times of the month when I really don't want sex but my DH will still be really horny.

At these times he will tell me not to sit in a certain way that shows my curves, or he'll cover my legs with a blanket if I'm showing any part of them. When I seem irritated by this he says he finds it too hard to see me in any way he deems sexy as he knows he won't be having sex with me.

To be clear, I'm not attempting to 'tease' him in any way; I'm just going about my life.

AIBU to find this behaviour of his annoying and controlling? Or should I be more sensitive?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2024 13:27

Fuck me, your update makes this 1,000x worse.

In fact he idolises me. He is so scared of losing me it torments him, he has nightmares where I've cheated on him or been raped and then he's off-colour for days as it makes him so anxious.

If the tracker doesn't update properly then he calls me or texts me to check I'm okay. He drives me everywhere as he doesn't want me to be anywhere on my own in case I get attacked.

This. Is. Not. Normal. Or healthy. None of it. It's fucking terrifying.

RainIsCosy · 15/04/2024 13:31

RaspberryRippleDuvet · 15/04/2024 13:23

I just want to thank everyone for their posts.

I am genuinely shocked at the responses as I thought I was being unfair to be annoyed by his behaviour.

None of you know him so I totally understand why you don't believe me when I say in every other way he's a wonderful husband. He's never violent, never cheats, not weird with other women at all. In fact he idolises me. He is so scared of losing me it torments him, he has nightmares where I've cheated on him or been raped and then he's off-colour for days as it makes him so anxious.

If the tracker doesn't update properly then he calls me or texts me to check I'm okay. He drives me everywhere as he doesn't want me to be anywhere on my own in case I get attacked.

I'll confess that I'd happily go the rest of my life without sex as I really don't enjoy it but I make myself do it for him, as the longer he goes without, the more weird he gets. Years ago I woke up to him masturbating over me.

Thing is, I really really love him, and he's given me a good life. Our children are grown up and out of the home now but he lets me work part-time so I can look after the house and our pets, and look after my parents.

Anyway, you've all given me a lot to think about - I feel a bit shellshocked actually.

It's possible he's reading this as he's an I.T. professional and it wouldn't surprise me. I suppose a part of me wants him to read it, and see how wrong it is. Maybe he doesn't know it's bad because I've always allowed it?

Thanks again. As much as I'm tempted to delete this as it hurts so much, I'm going to leave this thread up so other women with similar situations will know they're not alone.

Goodbye xx

I'm concerned that the 'I'm so scared of losing you' is a cover for 'I need to know your every move' in a more controlling way. If it really is about anxiety about losing you this severely, he needs professional help.

MissingMoominMamma · 15/04/2024 13:31

Fraaahnces · 15/04/2024 03:39

Tell him to cover his face because you don’t want to look at him anymore…

Because the urge to punch it might be too much for your self control…

Penguinfeet24 · 15/04/2024 13:32

I don't expect you will read this OP but I cannot, in good conscience, read this and not comment. None of this behaviour is normal, NONE. This isn't love in any description, its control and none of this is him caring about your wellbeing, its all that he doesn't want anyone else to play with his things. You're a belonging to him, that's all. You probably don't see it because you've been so conditioned into it for so long but good lord, this is nowhere near normal.

cheddercherry · 15/04/2024 13:32

It’s really sad to read your update just to see how warped your perspective of a healthy, loving relationship is.

Tracking you, not wanting you to be alone anywhere, “letting” you work, masturbating over you sleeping, being “weird” when you don’t have sex with him, covering you up, the fact you don’t even enjoy sex with him. I’m sure the list is endless. None of this is ok.

TakeOnFlea · 15/04/2024 13:35

I half hope the dirty fucker is reading this because he's not normal, not nice in any way.

Only half because I'm worried for you if he does read it. Please call women's aid

NewBrightonEel · 15/04/2024 13:35

This is one of the most shocking posts I've ever read on here. I am genuinely worried for you. Please get some help 💐

FinallyHere · 15/04/2024 13:38

RaspberryRippleDuvet · 14/04/2024 19:28

It's like he becomes a different person when he's sexually frustrated. He's normally a wonderful husband but if he's horny and I'm not then he gets really strange. It's like a personality change.

The real test of a person is how they deal with things why you say 'no'.

This really isn't good, is it ?

Trixiefirecracker · 15/04/2024 13:40

Wow. Just wow. I have read some posts on MN but honestly this is right up there with some of the worst. A tracker? ‘Allows’ you to work? The control is unreal.

betterangels · 15/04/2024 13:40

Penguinfeet24 · 15/04/2024 13:32

I don't expect you will read this OP but I cannot, in good conscience, read this and not comment. None of this behaviour is normal, NONE. This isn't love in any description, its control and none of this is him caring about your wellbeing, its all that he doesn't want anyone else to play with his things. You're a belonging to him, that's all. You probably don't see it because you've been so conditioned into it for so long but good lord, this is nowhere near normal.

Absolutely every word of this. You're his possession. It's so incredibly unsettling to read.

gimmegimmegimmeagin · 15/04/2024 13:41

Quite simply.... you need to leave. Phone woman's aid and get support and a plan of how to get out asap.

SauronsArsehole · 15/04/2024 13:43

RainIsCosy · 15/04/2024 13:31

I'm concerned that the 'I'm so scared of losing you' is a cover for 'I need to know your every move' in a more controlling way. If it really is about anxiety about losing you this severely, he needs professional help.

Show quote history

God and equating the cheating and being raped as similar things. Basically he only wants her for his use. The thought of any man, for whatever reason using her body … he is a terrifying individual.

Planesmistakenforstars · 15/04/2024 13:43

I hope he doesn't read the thread. If he thinks you are aware of how abusive he is then you are probably in danger.

beatrix1234 · 15/04/2024 13:44

“He’s a great husband because he doesn’t hit me”. the bar is really really low on MN. I feel a bit sorry for the OP, it’s like someone burst her bubble .

Sparklfairy · 15/04/2024 13:44

RainIsCosy · 15/04/2024 13:31

I'm concerned that the 'I'm so scared of losing you' is a cover for 'I need to know your every move' in a more controlling way. If it really is about anxiety about losing you this severely, he needs professional help.

Show quote history

Me too. He's just framed it that he's 'anxious' so that OP feels sorry for him, and judging by her posts she's completely fallen for it. Doesn't sound as insidious if he 'can't help it', right?

My gut reaction was to tell her to push back, stop allowing herself to be tracked, ferried everywhere, tell her to grab back some independence. But I've been in a similar relationship and once you start to resist this unhealthy dynamic, the accusations start, his 'anxiety' will get worse, he'll threaten suicide, possibly start stalking her... You can't escape this by digging your heels in, OP will come off worse.

OP needs to leave but I have a horrible feeling she won't. Is he medicated for his 'anxiety'? Maybe start there. If he refuses to get help for this supposed MH issue, choosing instead to inflict the consequences of it on you, maybe you'll start to realise he hasn't got anxiety at all...

DriftingDora · 15/04/2024 13:45

TakeOnFlea · 15/04/2024 13:35

I half hope the dirty fucker is reading this because he's not normal, not nice in any way.

Only half because I'm worried for you if he does read it. Please call women's aid

Hear, hear - vile excuse for a man.

OP, for goodness sake, do you think his behaviour is a sign he loves and worships you? It isn't - his behaviour is so peculiar it's off the wall and actually he doesn't trust you one little bit.

pinkyredrose · 15/04/2024 13:47

None of you know him so I totally understand why you don't believe me when I say in every other way he's a wonderful husband. He's never violent, never cheats, not weird with other women at all. In fact he idolises me. He is so scared of losing me it torments him, he has nightmares where I've cheated on him or been raped and then he's off-colour for days as it makes him so anxious.

Fucking hell. Just . . . Fucking hell.

Your 'wonderful' husband thinks he owns you.

ImTheFemmeOne · 15/04/2024 13:47

Caththegreat · 15/04/2024 12:26

Before u leave him u need to chat with him seriously.give him a chance

Are you the husband?

Nicebloomers · 15/04/2024 13:49

What a terrifying update.

RollyPol · 15/04/2024 13:52

I think it is a clumsy attempt at boasting about being irresistible. I might be wrong though.

WittiestUsernameEver · 15/04/2024 13:52

RaspberryRippleDuvet · 15/04/2024 13:23

I just want to thank everyone for their posts.

I am genuinely shocked at the responses as I thought I was being unfair to be annoyed by his behaviour.

None of you know him so I totally understand why you don't believe me when I say in every other way he's a wonderful husband. He's never violent, never cheats, not weird with other women at all. In fact he idolises me. He is so scared of losing me it torments him, he has nightmares where I've cheated on him or been raped and then he's off-colour for days as it makes him so anxious.

If the tracker doesn't update properly then he calls me or texts me to check I'm okay. He drives me everywhere as he doesn't want me to be anywhere on my own in case I get attacked.

I'll confess that I'd happily go the rest of my life without sex as I really don't enjoy it but I make myself do it for him, as the longer he goes without, the more weird he gets. Years ago I woke up to him masturbating over me.

Thing is, I really really love him, and he's given me a good life. Our children are grown up and out of the home now but he lets me work part-time so I can look after the house and our pets, and look after my parents.

Anyway, you've all given me a lot to think about - I feel a bit shellshocked actually.

It's possible he's reading this as he's an I.T. professional and it wouldn't surprise me. I suppose a part of me wants him to read it, and see how wrong it is. Maybe he doesn't know it's bad because I've always allowed it?

Thanks again. As much as I'm tempted to delete this as it hurts so much, I'm going to leave this thread up so other women with similar situations will know they're not alone.

Goodbye xx

My DH is never violent, has never cheated not leered at other women.
He's also never

  • SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME
  • TRACKED MY WHEREABOUTS SECRETLY
  • CAUSED ME TO FEEL SO UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY OWN HOUSE THAT I WANT TO LEAVE
  • NEVER ONCE TOLD ME TO COVER UP JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT SEX
  • Also doesn't coerce me /control me.

Worst he does is leave the teabag in the bloody draining board...

FollowTheFuckingInstructions · 15/04/2024 13:54

Why doesn't he put a blanket over his head instead?

Nanaof1 · 15/04/2024 13:55

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 14/04/2024 21:14

“Cover yourself up you selfish bitch, otherwise I might be forced to rape you..”

That is basically how I’m reading this. Absolutely fucking horrified.

That is exactly the vibe I got. Read the OP's post to my DH, and he said pretty much the same as you. We both have major ick, WTAF and red flags whipping in the wind reading this.

ImTheFemmeOne · 15/04/2024 13:56

RaspberryRippleDuvet · 15/04/2024 13:23

I just want to thank everyone for their posts.

I am genuinely shocked at the responses as I thought I was being unfair to be annoyed by his behaviour.

None of you know him so I totally understand why you don't believe me when I say in every other way he's a wonderful husband. He's never violent, never cheats, not weird with other women at all. In fact he idolises me. He is so scared of losing me it torments him, he has nightmares where I've cheated on him or been raped and then he's off-colour for days as it makes him so anxious.

If the tracker doesn't update properly then he calls me or texts me to check I'm okay. He drives me everywhere as he doesn't want me to be anywhere on my own in case I get attacked.

I'll confess that I'd happily go the rest of my life without sex as I really don't enjoy it but I make myself do it for him, as the longer he goes without, the more weird he gets. Years ago I woke up to him masturbating over me.

Thing is, I really really love him, and he's given me a good life. Our children are grown up and out of the home now but he lets me work part-time so I can look after the house and our pets, and look after my parents.

Anyway, you've all given me a lot to think about - I feel a bit shellshocked actually.

It's possible he's reading this as he's an I.T. professional and it wouldn't surprise me. I suppose a part of me wants him to read it, and see how wrong it is. Maybe he doesn't know it's bad because I've always allowed it?

Thanks again. As much as I'm tempted to delete this as it hurts so much, I'm going to leave this thread up so other women with similar situations will know they're not alone.

Goodbye xx

I was married to an IT professional.
He put a keylogger on my computer so that he could look up everything I typed. He knew every website I clicked on. If your H is tracking your every movement he is also capable of doing this and may be reading the thread.
Wonderful husbands don't do that

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 15/04/2024 14:00

He doesn't actually have those nightmares, he's just saying that to control you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread