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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel irritated by DH asking me to cover up when I don't want sex?

433 replies

RaspberryRippleDuvet · 14/04/2024 19:18

There are times of the month when I really don't want sex but my DH will still be really horny.

At these times he will tell me not to sit in a certain way that shows my curves, or he'll cover my legs with a blanket if I'm showing any part of them. When I seem irritated by this he says he finds it too hard to see me in any way he deems sexy as he knows he won't be having sex with me.

To be clear, I'm not attempting to 'tease' him in any way; I'm just going about my life.

AIBU to find this behaviour of his annoying and controlling? Or should I be more sensitive?

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 15/04/2024 09:47

@RaspberryRippleDuvet We've been married 25 years. Sex has always been the only problem in our relationship because he has a much higher sex drive than me. I was abused as a child by a family member so I have some issues around sex which hasn't always been easy for him.

He doesn't cover me up in a nasty way, or get violent or anything, he just makes comments such as "Are you sitting like that on purpose?".

We have to sleep in separate beds because he was always touching me in his sleep which I hated. He said he didn't know he was doing it but I still don't know if that's true really.

He is very very protective of me, his worst fear is losing me. We have a tracker app so he always knows where I am, and once he left a recording device in our living room because he was worried I was cheating on him. I have NEVER cheated on him. This was years ago though and he confessed he'd done it, I had no idea.

If we don't have sex for a while he gets very anxious and panicky. He starts thinking I'm cheating.

You're in an abusive relationship OP and like all abusers he's quite paranoid, very insecure, sees you as his property and thinks you're trying to "provoke him" because "everything spins around him". Like all abused women you're walking on eggshells around this man OP. As someone said on this thread boiled frog theory comes to mind.

TakeOnFlea · 15/04/2024 09:49

"Man here. His behaviour is NOT normal...."

Phew, thank fuck you came along man. There we were thinking this was normal. Our silly little heads just couldn't work it out

Koptforitagain · 15/04/2024 09:53

RaspberryRippleDuvet · 15/04/2024 04:14

Thank you for the replies everyone.

We've been married 25 years. Sex has always been the only problem in our relationship because he has a much higher sex drive than me. I was abused as a child by a family member so I have some issues around sex which hasn't always been easy for him.

He doesn't cover me up in a nasty way, or get violent or anything, he just makes comments such as "Are you sitting like that on purpose?".

We have to sleep in separate beds because he was always touching me in his sleep which I hated. He said he didn't know he was doing it but I still don't know if that's true really.

He is very very protective of me, his worst fear is losing me. We have a tracker app so he always knows where I am, and once he left a recording device in our living room because he was worried I was cheating on him. I have NEVER cheated on him. This was years ago though and he confessed he'd done it, I had no idea.

If we don't have sex for a while he gets very anxious and panicky. He starts thinking I'm cheating.

I'll be honest, when he's like this I feel like a trapped animal. I just want to run away and have my body left alone.

But in every other way he really IS a wonderful husband. I know that sounds trite but he really is. I love him.

Gosh 😳

You are worth so much more than this crap @RaspberryRippleDuvet .

Combattingthemoaners · 15/04/2024 10:01

Urgh!! Is that meant to be flattering you? Vile behaviour. You are not his sex object.

zingally · 15/04/2024 10:12

Ew!

That's so gross. Honestly, if my DH ever said anything like that to me, my vagina would be CLAMPED shut for a LONG OLD TIME.

Ellie56 · 15/04/2024 10:15

RaspberryRippleDuvet · 14/04/2024 19:28

It's like he becomes a different person when he's sexually frustrated. He's normally a wonderful husband but if he's horny and I'm not then he gets really strange. It's like a personality change.

He doesn't sound normal or wonderful to me. WTAF?

ReadtheReviews · 15/04/2024 10:22

Very worried about you op and furious on your behalf.
You deserve better. By which I mean getting free from him entirely and living for yourself not for anyone else while you get stronger.

diddl · 15/04/2024 10:27

But in every other way he really IS a wonderful husband. I know that sounds trite but he really is. I love him.

There is absolutely nothing wonderful about him at all!

Do you really love him or has he convinced you that no one else would want you & you can't do better than him, no one would love you like he does blah, blah, blah bollocks.

KreedKafer · 15/04/2024 10:31

RaspberryRippleDuvet · 15/04/2024 04:14

Thank you for the replies everyone.

We've been married 25 years. Sex has always been the only problem in our relationship because he has a much higher sex drive than me. I was abused as a child by a family member so I have some issues around sex which hasn't always been easy for him.

He doesn't cover me up in a nasty way, or get violent or anything, he just makes comments such as "Are you sitting like that on purpose?".

We have to sleep in separate beds because he was always touching me in his sleep which I hated. He said he didn't know he was doing it but I still don't know if that's true really.

He is very very protective of me, his worst fear is losing me. We have a tracker app so he always knows where I am, and once he left a recording device in our living room because he was worried I was cheating on him. I have NEVER cheated on him. This was years ago though and he confessed he'd done it, I had no idea.

If we don't have sex for a while he gets very anxious and panicky. He starts thinking I'm cheating.

I'll be honest, when he's like this I feel like a trapped animal. I just want to run away and have my body left alone.

But in every other way he really IS a wonderful husband. I know that sounds trite but he really is. I love him.

He isn't a wonderful husband and I think perhaps your previous experiences of abuse as a child have badly skewed your idea of what's normal in a relationship.

We have to sleep in separate beds because he was always touching me in his sleep which I hated. He said he didn't know he was doing it but I still don't know if that's true really.

He was not asleep. He was touching without your consent, in the full knowledge that you have been sexually abused before. This is absolutely shocking behaviour on his part.

he just makes comments such as "Are you sitting like that on purpose?"

He's blaming you for 'tempting' and 'teasing' him, acting as if you're responsible for HIS behaviour. You are not. Again, he is being abusive. He is accusing you of inviting his objectification/abuse. You are doing nothing wrong.

We have a tracker app so he always knows where I am, and once he left a recording device in our living room because he was worried I was cheating on him.

He is controlling you and invading your privacy in the worst of ways. Please seek some help. This is incredibly unhealthy.

You are essentially living with a sexual predator.

80smonster · 15/04/2024 10:31

RaspberryRippleDuvet · 14/04/2024 19:18

There are times of the month when I really don't want sex but my DH will still be really horny.

At these times he will tell me not to sit in a certain way that shows my curves, or he'll cover my legs with a blanket if I'm showing any part of them. When I seem irritated by this he says he finds it too hard to see me in any way he deems sexy as he knows he won't be having sex with me.

To be clear, I'm not attempting to 'tease' him in any way; I'm just going about my life.

AIBU to find this behaviour of his annoying and controlling? Or should I be more sensitive?

Covering up makes it seem as though you’re at fault. Would it be easier to blindfold DH. You don’t want a stolen glimpse of ankle to send the horny little monkey into meltdown.

KreedKafer · 15/04/2024 10:32

I'll be honest, when he's like this I feel like a trapped animal. I just want to run away and have my body left alone

He knows this and he gets a thrill out of it. As I said - he is a predator.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 15/04/2024 10:32

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding

This is why you think you love this horrific, abusive man. Please stay safe and chat with Women's Aid for help. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to?

https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/?_gl=1qy98es_upMQ.._gaMTA2NDEzNzA2MC4xNzEzMTczNTA3_ga_C8H9JGBD77*MTcxMzE3MzUwNS4xLjAuMTcxMzE3MzUwNS4wLjAuMA..

Traumatic bonding - Wikipedia

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding

AutumnFroglets · 15/04/2024 10:33

he was always touching me in his sleep

We have a tracker app so he always knows where I am

he left a recording device in our living room

If we don't have sex for a while he gets very anxious and panicky.

He starts thinking I'm cheating.

I have to cover myself up if I don't want sex

^ Your words. What a list OP, what a horrifying list. Absolutely horrifying.

I'll be honest, when he's like this I feel like a trapped animal.
I just want to run away and have my body left alone.
You are trapped but there is a way out. Talk to your GP who can signpost you to various things such as counselling and local support groups. But I think the biggest help will come from talking to those who know, and work with, many abused women. You can chat or email them. I suggest you go to your local library, create a new email, and contact them this way. Your H will be monitoring your phone and laptop. I guarantee it.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

BogRollBOGOF · 15/04/2024 10:36

OP, your update was chilling.

Please be very careful and discreetly seek specialist support for what to do next. He is already extremely controlling and won't let you end the relationship lightly. You can't spend another 25 years existing like this with a controlling, sexual abuser who treats you as chattel, but you need to manage this situation safely.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 15/04/2024 10:41

Just to repeat OP, if you can buy a phone with cash and keep it hidden from him. A PP had a good idea of using the library, you can chat with Women's Aid there.

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2024 10:49

@RaspberryRippleDuvet

Boiled frog syndrome: The premise is simple: if a frog is suddenly put into a pot of boiling water, it will jump out and save itself from impending death. But, if the frog is put in lukewarm water, with the temperature rising slowly, it will not perceive any danger to itself and will be cooked to death

That's what he's done to you

SwordToFlamethrower · 15/04/2024 10:49

I've been raped 5 times over the course of my life OP.

My husband initiates sex with me, maybe twice a year. The rest of the time, it is me who initiates it. Right from day one. He says he isn't horny unless I am because he says feeling wanted is the most arousing for him!

We cuddle, we kiss, we hold hands, we have sex on my terms and it makes me feel loved, safe and in control.

He understands I have triggers and makes damned sure they never happen.

We have a great sex life and I feel valued, loved and safe with my loving husband.

That is wonderful! Your husband IS NOT WONDERFUL. He treats you like an object that he can't resist and makes it your fault that he has these urges.

Surely you don't feel safe with this sex pest? You must be so used to being treated like a thing that you actually don't notice it anymore.

This is not ok!

DriftingDora · 15/04/2024 11:01

He's normally a wonderful husband

😂😂😂 Sure he is, OP (if you like a letch out of a Carry On film!)! 🙄

Rec0veringAcademic · 15/04/2024 11:20

RaspberryRippleDuvet · 15/04/2024 04:14

Thank you for the replies everyone.

We've been married 25 years. Sex has always been the only problem in our relationship because he has a much higher sex drive than me. I was abused as a child by a family member so I have some issues around sex which hasn't always been easy for him.

He doesn't cover me up in a nasty way, or get violent or anything, he just makes comments such as "Are you sitting like that on purpose?".

We have to sleep in separate beds because he was always touching me in his sleep which I hated. He said he didn't know he was doing it but I still don't know if that's true really.

He is very very protective of me, his worst fear is losing me. We have a tracker app so he always knows where I am, and once he left a recording device in our living room because he was worried I was cheating on him. I have NEVER cheated on him. This was years ago though and he confessed he'd done it, I had no idea.

If we don't have sex for a while he gets very anxious and panicky. He starts thinking I'm cheating.

I'll be honest, when he's like this I feel like a trapped animal. I just want to run away and have my body left alone.

But in every other way he really IS a wonderful husband. I know that sounds trite but he really is. I love him.

He is not lovely. He is committing a crime: coercive control. Tracking your movements??? Recording you???

He is not your master, you are not a slave or a possession. Please contact women's aid and the police, this is criminal.

amusedbush · 15/04/2024 11:24

OP, it's concerning that you describe his behaviour as protective when, in reality, it's deeply controlling, manipulative and psychologically abusive.

He polices what you wear and how you sit in your own home. He tracks your location. He secretly records you. He accuses you of cheating on him.

His "interest" in you is not flattering or sweet, it's abusive - not to mention he's likely paranoid and projecting because he is cheating. Nothing about him is wonderful.

ememem84 · 15/04/2024 11:27

RaspberryRippleDuvet · 15/04/2024 04:14

Thank you for the replies everyone.

We've been married 25 years. Sex has always been the only problem in our relationship because he has a much higher sex drive than me. I was abused as a child by a family member so I have some issues around sex which hasn't always been easy for him.

He doesn't cover me up in a nasty way, or get violent or anything, he just makes comments such as "Are you sitting like that on purpose?".

We have to sleep in separate beds because he was always touching me in his sleep which I hated. He said he didn't know he was doing it but I still don't know if that's true really.

He is very very protective of me, his worst fear is losing me. We have a tracker app so he always knows where I am, and once he left a recording device in our living room because he was worried I was cheating on him. I have NEVER cheated on him. This was years ago though and he confessed he'd done it, I had no idea.

If we don't have sex for a while he gets very anxious and panicky. He starts thinking I'm cheating.

I'll be honest, when he's like this I feel like a trapped animal. I just want to run away and have my body left alone.

But in every other way he really IS a wonderful husband. I know that sounds trite but he really is. I love him.

oh lord.
he is not a wonderful husband. he is controlling and a sex pest.

leave now.

pinkyredrose · 15/04/2024 11:28

Jeez considering your updates he sounds fucking horrific! Do you want to stay with someone who doesn't trust you?

Mulhollandmagoo · 15/04/2024 11:31

He is very very protective of me, his worst fear is losing me. We have a tracker app so he always knows where I am, and once he left a recording device in our living room because he was worried I was cheating on him. I have NEVER cheated on him. This was years ago though and he confessed he'd done it, I had no idea.

This isn't 'protective' its controlling!

pinkyredrose · 15/04/2024 11:35

What would happen if you took the tracker off your phone?

You can't enjoy being tracked surely?

Ellie56 · 15/04/2024 11:39

The more you post the worse he sounds. You are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out. None of what you describe is remotely normal.