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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking my daughters birthday money if she doesn’t go on her trip?

295 replies

TheGreyPeer · 14/04/2024 17:12

Hi
My daughter is 13 turning 14 in May. In December her school announced a trip to France which will be activity outdoors based. She begged me to go. Initially I said no because they wanted 5 monthly instalments of £110 which would be a stretch. I am a single working mum with a huge mortgage and no child support. I work bank as a nurse.

She complained about this and said all her friends were going and she felt like the odd one out. She stopped complaining and felt genuinely upset so I told her I would pay for it but she had to be sure she would go. She was very thankful and said she was absolutely certain she wanted to go. I took on extra shifts to pay for the monthly instalments. Her passport had also expired so I had to pay for that.

Now, it’s 7 days till she is due to go and she doesn’t want to. Her reason is that she thought she wanted to go but now she’s changed her mind and just “doesn’t want to” no real reason, just doesn’t want to. I think a big part is that one of her friends can’t go anymore (due to illness) but she has 3 other close friends who are going and who are rooming together with her.

I have told her if she doesn’t want to go, she needs to pay me back as the the trip is not refundable. I’ve said that I won’t be giving her birthday money this year (I usually give £200) and that any money she gets from grandparents, aunties etc I will also be taking. I’ve said she can then do chores to work or the rest until it’s repaid.

She doesn’t agree with this and says I’m being unfair. AIBU?

OP posts:
Thecastle1 · 15/04/2024 09:42

Anele22 · 15/04/2024 02:54

Not the point of the thread, but £200 pocket money sounds a lot. I never gave anywhere near that to mine.

Birthday gift money not pocket money

godmum56 · 15/04/2024 10:06

Mnetcurious · 15/04/2024 09:34

As I said, the threat of that consequence would be enough to make most teens go.

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we have had a Mum on here saying that it doesn't always work. I agree that its an appropriate consequence provided there aren't other issues and it is just a matter of teenage orneriness BUT that is not "making the child go" what would those "make her go-ers" do if the child prefers the consequence to going? How do they then "make her go"?

Mnetcurious · 15/04/2024 10:14

godmum56 · 15/04/2024 10:06

we have had a Mum on here saying that it doesn't always work. I agree that its an appropriate consequence provided there aren't other issues and it is just a matter of teenage orneriness BUT that is not "making the child go" what would those "make her go-ers" do if the child prefers the consequence to going? How do they then "make her go"?

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That one mum is more likely the outlier than the norm. For most kids, unpalatable consequences will be enough to “make them go”.

There’s not really much point in discussing that small percentage who still refuse, because for most people it’s n/a in this situation and the op has not indicated that her daughter would resolutely refuse, whatever the consequences. For those few, they’ll have to suck it up, deal with the consequences and learn an important life lesson.

Nicelynicelyjohnson · 15/04/2024 10:28

Mnetcurious · 15/04/2024 09:11

Well that would be my way of making them go! (After initial discussions about why they’re worried, not backing out of commitments, etc). I doubt there are many 13yo who would prefer to forfeit their phone and pocket money for months and months in preference of going on a trip they were at one point desperate to go on. So yes, for most kids laying out those consequences would be a way of making them go.
(Yes I am a parent of more than one teenager currently so very aware of how they behave).

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Well that's fair and well explained.

There were quite a lot of "I'd just make them go" posts (not you) so I was curious what that would look like.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/04/2024 10:37

If she doesn’t go you claw back the money, yes, via birthday, etc. Of course you can’t ’make her’ go, and why would you want to? If she doesn’t want to go that’s fine but she pays back the money. Done.

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2024 10:40

Alphabetsouplover · 15/04/2024 07:33

The range is 55-75. For average poster age bracket on AIBU. hence the use of the word ‘over’

Doesn’t change the fact it’s very outdated views.

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Where do those stats come from?

As I'm at the upper end of them, yet I read far more on here from current parents and parents to be I wonder how they were arrived at

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2024 10:41

Nicelynicelyjohnson · 15/04/2024 08:53

So you wouldn't actually make her go, she'd have to pay back the money or lose her phone.

If it was my child, and talking to her/school, etc. didn't lead to a change of heart, I would get them to pay back half the money if they didn't go. If I could afford it, I'd keep the money for them to have when they were a bit older.
And I'd not be signing them up to any more trips unless they paid themselves upfront!

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Why only half the money, and why give the rest back at a later time?

What does that teach now?

Anele22 · 15/04/2024 10:42

Thecastle1 · 15/04/2024 09:42

Birthday gift money not pocket money

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D’oh yes, brain fog. Seems a lot of birthday money, I meant. No judgement, just wondering what people consider normal now

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2024 10:45

Nicelynicelyjohnson · 15/04/2024 10:28

Well that's fair and well explained.

There were quite a lot of "I'd just make them go" posts (not you) so I was curious what that would look like.

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I don't know really.

My kids were within the 'normal' range of teenage defiance.

They never (and I don't think would have) defied me over something big like this.
But it's too late to test.

I don't know if it's because back then, if they'd asked for something and it had been agreed they would just never have dreamt of pulling out but today it wouldn't seem like that big a deal (to them)

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2024 10:47

Cornishclio · 15/04/2024 01:36

I am not sure how you make a teenager do anything if they are determined not to. Sure some will but not all. I certainly would talk calmly to her and remind her she begged to go on this trip and money is tight so you don't want to waste all the money paid. Ask her what her solution is. If she is really anxious about going then forcing her is not great.

I think I would find it difficult to give her nothing for her birthday but would maybe spend £50 rather than £200 and I don't think taking other birthday money from relatives without her permission is right either. You could maybe insist on her taking over some chores to repay you over time. It would also be the last school trip I would pay out for. They are ridiculously expensive now.

If you weren't going to pay for those chores in the first place there is no 'repayment'

Cornishclio · 15/04/2024 10:59

@Nanny0gg

The OP mentions chores to work off in the very first post. As her DD is only 13 her only source of income is gifts or gift of time so repaying £550 is a tall order. If it was my DD though and she would be very unhappy to go I would rather lose the money but OPs circumstances are different. For me telling her no more school trips would be the appropriate forfeit given she can't be sure it would not happen again.

zingally · 15/04/2024 11:19

At this point, it's not an option. It's all paid for - you're going.

HanaJane · 15/04/2024 11:34

Maybe she is nervous/anxious about it now that it's so close? Has anything happened with her friends like a falling out?
I would talk to her and see and reassure her that she will have a great time.
100% would be sending her on the trip though

Elebag · 15/04/2024 12:00

What restraint techniques do the 'make her go' group use to make children do things they don't want to?

It would be handy to know what I've missed over the years....

Nicelynicelyjohnson · 15/04/2024 13:31

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2024 10:41

Why only half the money, and why give the rest back at a later time?

What does that teach now?

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It teaches that if you don't follow through with something that costs you need to take a financial hit for it. This child is 13, they have no way to earn money, so getting hold of £550 will take years.
I wouldn't give it back as such, I would stick it into an account for them and use for driving lessons or whatever if I could afford to. I probably wouldn't tell them.

Asking for all the money back is fair too.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/04/2024 13:34

I came on to say yabu but changed my mind, reading the circumstances.
at her age, she’s old enough to know that decisions carry consequences.

SarahSays1 · 15/04/2024 13:41

TheGreyPeer · 14/04/2024 17:28

So some further info.
She has said she doesn’t want primarily because she’s now got the itinerary and knows everyday will be activities like rock climbing, rowing, archery etc. She knew this was an activity holiday from the start, but they only recently got the itinerary. She thought although it would be outdoors activity but thought it wouldn’t be as intense and they would be going to other places like beaches etc and mainly be relaxing. She always knew this was an adventure outdoor holiday. But now she knows that 90% of the day will be activities she just doesn’t want to go. There is no medical reason or anything preventing her from such activities or phobias, it’s just “not her thing” as she said.

She has been on residential trips before, they went to London for a few days where the activities were just museums and London dungeons etc and loved it.

sounds like an amazing opportunity. Do you have the packing list? I'd focus on that. she will probably need a few things so the sooner you figure that out the better. Especially if she needs spare shoes - "wet shoes" for watersports are always a good idea as they are relatively cheap and mean their main trainers don't get wet

Hopestreetfan · 15/04/2024 15:09

The itinerary just sounds like what you'd expect from an activity holiday. I think there'll be more downtime than she thinks - archery won't take a full afternoon etc. But this is a good example of checking what you're letting yourself in for! I would message the school. Someone dropping out could have unforeseen consequences re staff ratios, for example. She needs to go.

VickyEadieofThigh · 15/04/2024 18:15

Nicelynicelyjohnson · 15/04/2024 13:31

It teaches that if you don't follow through with something that costs you need to take a financial hit for it. This child is 13, they have no way to earn money, so getting hold of £550 will take years.
I wouldn't give it back as such, I would stick it into an account for them and use for driving lessons or whatever if I could afford to. I probably wouldn't tell them.

Asking for all the money back is fair too.

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She's been getting £200 each birthday from her mother alone, plus whatever amounts grandparents, etc hand over. I don't see the debt taking very long to repay.

Thr OP'S big mistake was not making her DD pay at least half of this trip up front.

Nicelynicelyjohnson · 15/04/2024 18:31

VickyEadieofThigh · 15/04/2024 18:15

She's been getting £200 each birthday from her mother alone, plus whatever amounts grandparents, etc hand over. I don't see the debt taking very long to repay.

Thr OP'S big mistake was not making her DD pay at least half of this trip up front.

Show quote history

Yeah, OP DD has more access to money than my DC.

TheExclusiveSandwich · 15/04/2024 18:38

So @TheGreyPeer has not been on the thread for 24 hours 😃😃

NeptuneOrion · 16/04/2024 17:53

She's 13. You're the boss. She's going on the trip.

Thistlewoman · 16/04/2024 18:06

You are not being unreasonable. Unfortunately your daughter has behaved like an entitled brat and she needs to learn that SHE is being unreasonable and unfair, expecting you to work extra shifts for something she appears to have dismissed as if it were nothing. She needs to learn the impact her decisions and choices have on others, and on her too. A bit of tough love required I think!

Billybea · 16/04/2024 18:07

Give her the option, she either goes or you have the money back by whatever means which includes taking any money she gets for birthdays or Christmas and any job she gets when she's old enough to be employed. She needs to learn the value of money and how hard you have worked to pay for it.

CatherineDurrant · 16/04/2024 18:09

What if you'd told her at the outset that you might be able to afford it with extra shifts, but you couldn't be bothered? She'd be outraged and hurt.

You've worked the extra shifts and now she's the one who can't be bothered.

Explain this to her and ask her if she now understands why her flippant change of heart is hurtful to you, and that to show respect for your extra shifts, she is absolutely going on the trip.

End of.

(Lucky girl, your DH.)

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