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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking my daughters birthday money if she doesn’t go on her trip?

295 replies

TheGreyPeer · 14/04/2024 17:12

Hi
My daughter is 13 turning 14 in May. In December her school announced a trip to France which will be activity outdoors based. She begged me to go. Initially I said no because they wanted 5 monthly instalments of £110 which would be a stretch. I am a single working mum with a huge mortgage and no child support. I work bank as a nurse.

She complained about this and said all her friends were going and she felt like the odd one out. She stopped complaining and felt genuinely upset so I told her I would pay for it but she had to be sure she would go. She was very thankful and said she was absolutely certain she wanted to go. I took on extra shifts to pay for the monthly instalments. Her passport had also expired so I had to pay for that.

Now, it’s 7 days till she is due to go and she doesn’t want to. Her reason is that she thought she wanted to go but now she’s changed her mind and just “doesn’t want to” no real reason, just doesn’t want to. I think a big part is that one of her friends can’t go anymore (due to illness) but she has 3 other close friends who are going and who are rooming together with her.

I have told her if she doesn’t want to go, she needs to pay me back as the the trip is not refundable. I’ve said that I won’t be giving her birthday money this year (I usually give £200) and that any money she gets from grandparents, aunties etc I will also be taking. I’ve said she can then do chores to work or the rest until it’s repaid.

She doesn’t agree with this and says I’m being unfair. AIBU?

OP posts:
CLTR82 · 16/04/2024 18:11

Honestly your consequences sound reasonable and as long as she is fully aware of them she is old enough to decide. Make sure you follow through tho if she doesn't go.

CLTR82 · 16/04/2024 18:16

Elebag · 15/04/2024 12:00

What restraint techniques do the 'make her go' group use to make children do things they don't want to?

It would be handy to know what I've missed over the years....

Spot on.

Mum0fb0yz · 16/04/2024 18:28

The options are she goes or pays you back the full amount. I'd be fuming, that's a lot of money and you have made sacrifices for her to go and for her to just turn round and say 'nah, don't fancy it anymore'. Not on. Would be full birthday money going straight to you and Christmas money plus chores!

Macaronichee · 16/04/2024 18:36

LisaD1 · 14/04/2024 17:15

I’d be making her go. My DD did similar for a ski trip and we said point blank it was tough shit, it was paid for and she was going.

she absolutely loved it!

This! Going is non-negotiable. You can express sympathy for the fact that she might be feeling anxious but tell her that you felt pretty anxious at the prospect of how hard you had to work to get the money together. She assured you that she was keen so you got on with the task, despite its difficulty. How hard can going on a school trip be?
Don’t bother the school/lead teacher. If you don’t know why your daughter has changed her mind she chances are the school won’t, either.

Julimia · 16/04/2024 18:36

Doesn't want to go? Shes committed to it and so have you..big style. Not going is not even an option.

Reluctantgarderner · 16/04/2024 18:41

I don’t think yabu but I would try and get to the bottom of why she doesn’t want to go all of a sudden. Îd just want to be sure nothing had happened at school or between her and her friends to trigger this.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 16/04/2024 18:43

Make the money tangible, I have worked xx extra hours to earn that money, that's on my feet, night shifts after already doing full time hours etc, it's x months electric, X weeks food shopping for the whole family, the cost of 50 trips for you to go to the cinema with your friends, you do not get to decide that I run myself ragged for nothing, I have done this to support you and what you told me you so desperately wanted, now you show some gratitude and go and make the most of it.
Guaranteed OP she'll enjoy it once she's there. She also needs to learn responsibility and not backing out of commitments. For those saying so you plan to manhandle her, I would hope that with an ounce of decency she wouldn't put her mother in that position.

Investinmyself · 16/04/2024 18:46

It sounds like a wobble and a push outside her comfort zone would do her good.
She’s signed up for it. You’ve paid for her to go, she can’t be flaky and let people don’t eg staffing will be based on ratio, groups and rooms already sorted.
I’d not be entertaining it.
We are seeing more of this in Guides and Brownies..x isn’t coming as her friend isn’t, y had changed her mind and wants to go to a party instead. We have had to revamp forms to say be sure you want to come before booking on and if you change your mind you still pay.

Nonewclothes2024 · 16/04/2024 18:48

Elebag · 15/04/2024 12:00

What restraint techniques do the 'make her go' group use to make children do things they don't want to?

It would be handy to know what I've missed over the years....

Exactly what I asked.

Jg65 · 16/04/2024 18:55

At this age my daughter went off with guides to Kenya for almost a month, she had an amazing time and learned lots of life lessons, they lived with a group of girls in Mombasa who were given sewing machines and taught to use them to take a trade back to their villages, they lived on the same food and had a bucket of water a day to wash / cook so had to decide how to use it ! So 5 days in France ? I’d bloody make her go !

Nicelynicelyjohnson · 16/04/2024 18:59

Jg65 · 16/04/2024 18:55

At this age my daughter went off with guides to Kenya for almost a month, she had an amazing time and learned lots of life lessons, they lived with a group of girls in Mombasa who were given sewing machines and taught to use them to take a trade back to their villages, they lived on the same food and had a bucket of water a day to wash / cook so had to decide how to use it ! So 5 days in France ? I’d bloody make her go !

How would you make her go? This has been asked a few times and no one has answered.
It's getting like the benefits of brexit.

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 16/04/2024 19:13

She’s taken the place of someone that may have wanted to go. I’d make her go

LaDamaDeElche · 16/04/2024 19:43

Kids today are a different breed than we were, so for people saying that they'd make her go - how exactly? It really depends on how compliant she is. If she's the type of kid that will go, but grumpily if you put your foot down, then fine, she goes. If she flat out refuses and won't leave the house that day, how exactly can the OP make her? If she's the non compliant type of child (much more common these days than in our generation) then she pays you back. I also wouldn't be agreeing to any other future trips. It's a tough age OP. I sympathise.

GoldEagle · 16/04/2024 19:45

Give your DD two choices, she either goes on the trip to France or she doesn't, in which case she pays you back.

Primmyhill · 16/04/2024 19:45

This is non negotiable as far as I’m concerned. Would she be so wasteful if it was her own money at stake? So what there’s activities she doesn’t like, go and do something new and get stuck in! Sounds like she just wanted a jolly lounging around with her mates for a few days. She knew it was an ‘activity’ holiday and it sounds like it’s just that!

anon666 · 16/04/2024 19:47

Being compassionate, it sounds like anxiety.

See if you can talk her down nicely, but then yes YANBU to insist on the money.

glowfrog · 16/04/2024 20:01

It's not just the money, OP. It's the fact you took on extra work to pay for it. You made a huge effort to make it happen. She has to understand it and it's her turn to make a huge effort.

Mamasperspective · 16/04/2024 20:14

She's 13, don't let her dictate. Just tell her she's going. She committed to going and that was the deal so now she has to go. Teaches her to follow through on her commitments as she grows up.

EarthlyNightshade · 16/04/2024 20:42

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 16/04/2024 19:13

She’s taken the place of someone that may have wanted to go. I’d make her go

How? How would you make her?

cremebrulait · 16/04/2024 21:05

Tell her when you make commitments in life you keep them and she WILL indeed be going and learning how to make the best of it.

TheExclusiveSandwich · 16/04/2024 21:07

THE OP HASNT POSTED IN DAYS

RichinVitaminR · 16/04/2024 21:12

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 16/04/2024 18:43

Make the money tangible, I have worked xx extra hours to earn that money, that's on my feet, night shifts after already doing full time hours etc, it's x months electric, X weeks food shopping for the whole family, the cost of 50 trips for you to go to the cinema with your friends, you do not get to decide that I run myself ragged for nothing, I have done this to support you and what you told me you so desperately wanted, now you show some gratitude and go and make the most of it.
Guaranteed OP she'll enjoy it once she's there. She also needs to learn responsibility and not backing out of commitments. For those saying so you plan to manhandle her, I would hope that with an ounce of decency she wouldn't put her mother in that position.

Edited

Completely agree with this. She needs to understand how hard you have worked so that she can go on this trip. YANBU OP, but I’d say I vote for send her on the trip anyway. She should have asked about the itinerary prior to going and asked questions like will there be time to go to beaches etc. I’ve never really known a school trip to be like that though, it isn’t like a family holiday!

Chocolatepeanutbuttercupsandicecream · 16/04/2024 21:49

Is there any chance that there is a wait list? I’m not saying that your dd shouldn’t go / make recompense, but sometimes if another child can take the place then the original payment is at least partly refunded.

TheCheekyKob · 16/04/2024 22:04

I’d make her go but if she didn’t I don’t agree with taking her birthday money from her nan/aunties etc.

Fine to not give her yours but I would think you are taking the piss if I gave money to my niece for her birthday and her parent kept it for themselves because they didn’t bother making her go on a trip.

HelloWorldItsNiceToMeetYou · 16/04/2024 22:10

Alphabetsouplover · 14/04/2024 21:41

It’s not a difficult sentence to understand is it?

Show quote history

It's not the sentence that is difficult to understand. It's the assumption that everyone of a certain age parents the same way.
I'm in my 40s and my mum is nearly 70.
If I had been the daughter in this scenario, she would have encouraged me to go, checked if I was worried and calmly talked about the sacrifices she had made. But there would definitely have been no shouting, threats or name calling (lazy, ungrateful etc).
I think the calm approach is also the most likely to be successful in getting her to go.
If she only got cold feet when she saw the itinerary, it's very likely she's nervous about being able to keep up with the activities.