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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking my daughters birthday money if she doesn’t go on her trip?

295 replies

TheGreyPeer · 14/04/2024 17:12

Hi
My daughter is 13 turning 14 in May. In December her school announced a trip to France which will be activity outdoors based. She begged me to go. Initially I said no because they wanted 5 monthly instalments of £110 which would be a stretch. I am a single working mum with a huge mortgage and no child support. I work bank as a nurse.

She complained about this and said all her friends were going and she felt like the odd one out. She stopped complaining and felt genuinely upset so I told her I would pay for it but she had to be sure she would go. She was very thankful and said she was absolutely certain she wanted to go. I took on extra shifts to pay for the monthly instalments. Her passport had also expired so I had to pay for that.

Now, it’s 7 days till she is due to go and she doesn’t want to. Her reason is that she thought she wanted to go but now she’s changed her mind and just “doesn’t want to” no real reason, just doesn’t want to. I think a big part is that one of her friends can’t go anymore (due to illness) but she has 3 other close friends who are going and who are rooming together with her.

I have told her if she doesn’t want to go, she needs to pay me back as the the trip is not refundable. I’ve said that I won’t be giving her birthday money this year (I usually give £200) and that any money she gets from grandparents, aunties etc I will also be taking. I’ve said she can then do chores to work or the rest until it’s repaid.

She doesn’t agree with this and says I’m being unfair. AIBU?

OP posts:
PeaceOnThePorch · 14/04/2024 22:16

Toddlerteaplease · 14/04/2024 21:20

@PeaceOnThePorch because the daughter is fully aware that her mum has worked extra shifts to pay for it. And she was adamant she wanted to go. She good not be pandered to.

But being furious won’t help. OP needs to talk to her daughter calmly and try to get her to go if possible. Being furious will solve nothing and I’m betting you don’t have teens.

allthevitamins · 14/04/2024 22:17

I think you need to stand firm and make her go, knowing privately that you'll only capitulate if she's having a sobbing meltdown and can't physically get up the steps on the coach on the day of departure.

As PPs have said, you can talk to her about feeling as though she's missed out when her friends get back.

But I think you need to help her break it down a bit so that she can envisage how she'd cope with different parts of the trip so that she can get her head around it.

I'd definitely force a serious conversation with her, sat down with no distractions where we go through...

What will you take to wear and how will you pack?

What will the travel be like and what will your coping strategies be? Ditto food?

What will the accommodation be like? How will you get yourself showered and dressed? What would you do if you felt anxious about something?

How will you interact with other people that are there?

What will you do during the activities? Will the walk to the climbing wall be good even if you don't do it? Can you try things in a lesser way?

How do you want to remember this time in future... do you want to remember that you gave up before you started, or that you had a good go?

You can't tell her for a fact that she'll love it, no one can know that. But you can help her to find her way around it in her head.

I wouldn't be giving her any angle on not going after what has happened frankly.

millymollymoomoo · 14/04/2024 22:19

She doesn’t get to chose
she signed up
that was a commitment

so she goes. End of

TTPD · 14/04/2024 22:21

But being furious won’t help.

Well no, but we can't always have helpful emotions.
I doubt the poster who said she'd be furious was thinking that being furious would solve the problem. Just that that would be how she would feel.

Feebs450 · 14/04/2024 22:23

I would not have given her the option of reimbursing me, I would insist that she go

This. I couldn't bear the total waste of money, whether it was coming out of dc's pocket or mine.

Dc would 100% be going.

Alphabetsouplover · 14/04/2024 22:27

ClairemacL · 14/04/2024 22:03

I’m 31!

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Good for you?

do you not understand what the word average means?

rayro2 · 14/04/2024 22:31

Secondguess · 14/04/2024 17:16

Unless she actually has, and shares with you, a much more compelling reason not to go on the trip then yes, she has to repay the cost.

This

godmum56 · 14/04/2024 22:44

nobody has yet said how they would make the girl go?

Hopestreetfan · 14/04/2024 22:51

In the same way we get our dc to go to bed or go to school I suppose... the vast majority will not flat out refuse to do these things and the OP hasn't suggested her dd would either.

godmum56 · 14/04/2024 22:57

Hopestreetfan · 14/04/2024 22:51

In the same way we get our dc to go to bed or go to school I suppose... the vast majority will not flat out refuse to do these things and the OP hasn't suggested her dd would either.

and if that doesn't work?

Leafcrackle · 14/04/2024 22:59

Ds has always been very biddable. Never argued back etc, until this year. He was going on camp (think post 14 scout thing), right up until the night before. Then he wasn't. We told him he had to. He was even getting picked up the day of it ?we were both in work).

Messages started flying from about midday. By 4pm he was adamant. No real reason, other than 'I don't think I'll have anything to talk about and I'll be bored.' We gave him all the reasons. This is a kid who's been on camps since age 6.

He is impervious to punishment. He will sit and stare out of the window if all devices are taken from him. He doesn't go out, so you can't ground him. I suspect deciding not to go on camp hurt him more than us, ultimately. But it made me realise that any control we have over our kids is an illusion.

Leafcrackle · 14/04/2024 23:03

And up until that point, I thought we'd nailed parenting. Take them anywhere; well behaved; co operative; strict boundaries. But his sudden fear of going over rode everything. To the point where he won't even go on the next camp, in case he backs out. He loves camping. So he's punished himself far more harshly than I have.

godmum56 · 14/04/2024 23:04

Leafcrackle · 14/04/2024 22:59

Ds has always been very biddable. Never argued back etc, until this year. He was going on camp (think post 14 scout thing), right up until the night before. Then he wasn't. We told him he had to. He was even getting picked up the day of it ?we were both in work).

Messages started flying from about midday. By 4pm he was adamant. No real reason, other than 'I don't think I'll have anything to talk about and I'll be bored.' We gave him all the reasons. This is a kid who's been on camps since age 6.

He is impervious to punishment. He will sit and stare out of the window if all devices are taken from him. He doesn't go out, so you can't ground him. I suspect deciding not to go on camp hurt him more than us, ultimately. But it made me realise that any control we have over our kids is an illusion.

This. I am wondering how the "Oh we'd make her go" proponents would actually follow through on this? Because its my life experience that if you really are going to go to the wire then you have to have a solid plan and be prepared to take the consequences as the person doing the insisting.

godmum56 · 14/04/2024 23:06

Leafcrackle · 14/04/2024 23:03

And up until that point, I thought we'd nailed parenting. Take them anywhere; well behaved; co operative; strict boundaries. But his sudden fear of going over rode everything. To the point where he won't even go on the next camp, in case he backs out. He loves camping. So he's punished himself far more harshly than I have.

Poor boy, poor you.

Hopestreetfan · 14/04/2024 23:07

godmum56 · 14/04/2024 22:57

and if that doesn't work?

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Well why start off from that assumption? The chances are high that OP's dd will go, if told to. And if I turns out she doesn't, then plan b is she pays for it.
(This is all assuming she doesn't have any genuine reasons, like someone going who is bullying her)

godmum56 · 14/04/2024 23:13

Hopestreetfan · 14/04/2024 23:07

Well why start off from that assumption? The chances are high that OP's dd will go, if told to. And if I turns out she doesn't, then plan b is she pays for it.
(This is all assuming she doesn't have any genuine reasons, like someone going who is bullying her)

Show quote history

yup I get that, its all the folk saying "Oh I'd make her go" as I said its my life experience that if you are going down the route of I will MAKE X do Y, then you need a plan all the way to the wire and have considered the consequences and be ready to accept them. Its always as well to start off with how you'd deal with the worst case scenario no matter how unlikely.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2024 23:20

Its simple.

"You have a choice. Go or pay me back. Choose, because one of those things will be happening and its up to you right now which one it is."

Hold the stare, do not blink.

miniaturepixieonacid · 14/04/2024 23:23

Hence why it ties into the fact the most common age group on AIBU being women aged 55-75
How does mumsnet know how old we are?!

I would point out to her that it will surely be more fun to go on a trip with her friends that is not her ideal trip than it will be to have no birthday money and still owe you over £200.

The choices are basically you paying £550 for her to go on a trip or her paying £550 not to go on a trip. Does she really feel the trip will be so bad that it's worth paying that amount to avoid?

I think most 13 year olds don't have a true understanding of money and that putting it like that will make it clear to her that it's a no brainer to go on the trip.

If she still says she doesn't want to go and will pay you back then I would be assuming there is actually something far more deep rooted going on that she hasn't told you about (bullying, anxiety, homesickness) and would want to investigate further.

godmum56 · 14/04/2024 23:25

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2024 23:20

Its simple.

"You have a choice. Go or pay me back. Choose, because one of those things will be happening and its up to you right now which one it is."

Hold the stare, do not blink.

"hold the stare and do not blink" FFS!

Mnetcurious · 14/04/2024 23:33

Tell her she still has to go on the trip as she made a commitment and she has to stick to it. She’ll probably have a great time!

Copperoliverbear · 14/04/2024 23:35

Stick to your guns or make her go on the trip, make sure you get your money back if she doesn't go, it will teach her a lesson.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/04/2024 23:40

I would tell her she has to go, and that’s that. I wouldn’t be entertaining the sudden “not wanting to”.

I wouldn’t be looking to recoup the money as a first or anything but absolutely last resort if she downright refused to get on the bus (but it’s fairly extreme for a younger aged teen to do that).

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/04/2024 23:40

I wouldn’t be putting it as a choice so much as “you are going”.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2024 23:47

godmum56 · 14/04/2024 23:25

"hold the stare and do not blink" FFS!

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Have you parented teens?! I am currently on 5 of 6.....

Floralnomad · 14/04/2024 23:58

Just tell her she is going , if there are activities she doesn’t want to do I doubt they would make her do them .