Taking my daughters birthday money if she doesn’t go on her trip?

[TheGreyPeer]

Hi
My daughter is 13 turning 14 in May. In December her school announced a trip to France which will be activity outdoors based. She begged me to go. Initially I said no because they wanted 5 monthly instalments of £110 which would be a stretch. I am a single working mum with a huge mortgage and no child support. I work bank as a nurse.

She complained about this and said all her friends were going and she felt like the odd one out. She stopped complaining and felt genuinely upset so I told her I would pay for it but she had to be sure she would go. She was very thankful and said she was absolutely certain she wanted to go. I took on extra shifts to pay for the monthly instalments. Her passport had also expired so I had to pay for that.

Now, it’s 7 days till she is due to go and she doesn’t want to. Her reason is that she thought she wanted to go but now she’s changed her mind and just “doesn’t want to” no real reason, just doesn’t want to. I think a big part is that one of her friends can’t go anymore (due to illness) but she has 3 other close friends who are going and who are rooming together with her.

I have told her if she doesn’t want to go, she needs to pay me back as the the trip is not refundable. I’ve said that I won’t be giving her birthday money this year (I usually give £200) and that any money she gets from grandparents, aunties etc I will also be taking. I’ve said she can then do chores to work or the rest until it’s repaid.

She doesn’t agree with this and says I’m being unfair. AIBU?

You have sacrificed to pay for this. She must go,
Last year my daughter auditioned for a place in a thing! Got a place and then didn’t want to go. I made her go. Residential situation she cried at going and then cried leaving her new friends the week later. Said it was the best week of her life.

Tough shit, if she were mine, she'd be going!

My eldest threw a massive strop once because I said no to a sports trip to Spain. DC is not the slightest bit sporty, and it was over £1000 15/16 years ago!!

Did admit later that they were full of shit!!

As another poster suggested up thread, I would be contacting the school to find out if there is a waiting list. It's better for someone else who actually wants to go than the place to be wasted. Hopefully you might be able to get your money back also.
I don't know if it's the same poster asking repeatedly how you would force your DD to go but I agree with them, there's no way that I could force my DD to go if she was adamant that she didn't want to.
I would be making myself very clear though that there would be no repeat of this, I would not be funding any other trips in future.

Have the school really left it so late though with regards the itinerary? That is poor communication on their part.

Edited as decided post was too long. But ultimately consequences that fit the actions, which you’re prepared to follow through with. Eg docking pocket money/phone until cost of trip is repaid.

I grew up in a very authoritarian household. It’s not done me well in life so maybe that makes me more reluctant to insist on compliance if she really dreads going for a reason she feels strongly about. But, I do think she owes you a reasonable explanation for why she’s willing to throw away so much of your money.

Under the financial circumstances you describe I would have made this trip her birthday gift from the outset, agreeing that she’d receive a token gift to commemorate the day. That way she’d have been more invested and you might have a clearer sense of her sincerity in not wanting to go.

Suddenly just ‘not fancying it’ doesn’t make much sense to me, as you say she’s enjoyed other residential trips in the past, and she knew from the outset that it was an outdoorsy adventure holiday not a city break (I wouldn’t want to go myself, lol). Could you try to stay calm and empathetic and have an honest heart to heart with her? She’s just young and schoolgirls can be strange creatures - is someone causing her trouble? Is she worried about some aspect of the trip, like maybe her period will be due the week of? Does she have self esteem issues around her body or fitness or food issues that the newly announced activities might be triggering? Does the language barrier worry her?

Being that age was really REALLY hard, and I doubt she just doesn’t care about going anymore … if she can open up to you maybe you can help put her mind at ease, or maybe her concerns are realistic and you’ll understand her perspective if she explains it better. If her reasons are silly (like the trip is now considered ‘cringe’ or her crush isn’t going or some other nonsense) hopefully she’ll listen to reason and appreciate the financial hit you have taken to pay for her holiday.

I hope you can get to the bottom of it and find a way to make it right without it turning into a memorable family drama that causes ongoing resentment. If you do decide she will stay home & reimburse you, I’d be matter of fact about it instead of dragging it out like a dramatic punishment - just be like, kid, I’m not wasting £500+ for no good reason, so you need to repay me (in some form.)

I hope it’s just jitters and she ends up going and having a nice time. Best wishes to you both xx

… orrr…. 😈 if all else fails you could be a naggy annoying mum from hell this week until she’s counting the minutes until getting on that bus! 🤣

I’d make her go. She’ll probably love it

It's like you didn't read the full OP 🤔

I’m astonished at the harshness of a lot of the replies.

is there any chance that your dd is undiagnosed neurodivergent?

There may be aspects of the trip that are frightening her, that she is afraid to voice. It could be a toilet issue, a friendship or bullying issue or anything really.

I think that a calm conversation to understand her worries/reservations is necessary.

If she won’t give any reason, I’d be more concerned about her MH than the loss of money. Because the money is lost/spent whether she goes or not. If she is really upset and worried about something and can’t tell you, to be financially hammered as a consequence (ie giving up bday money etc) is just going to damage your relationship.

you do need to understand exactly what’s gone on before applying harsh sanctions imo.

OP’s daughter is almost 14, @Alphabetsouplover. Based on birth stats, 20% of 14 year olds will have a DM over the age of 50. The mean average age of the mother of a 14 year old is 44. Many of those age 50+ posters were parents of teenagers fairly recently if not currently 😂 Which would make their teenage parenting style the status quo rather than old fashioned.

I would make her go.
I would recognize her fear, Remind her of when she has successfully done other things she was scared of and explain that she can't pull out.
If she goes and hates it she won't need to do another.
The treatment for anxiety in dc is acknowledgement of their fear, encouragement and support and pushing through the anxiety hump.

You can’t be sure what life lesson it will be. Perhaps the lesson that she learns will be that her mum does not always have her back. Perhaps the lesson will be that her mental health has a monetary value of £550.

As I have said above, the situation needs to be fully understood by OP before she applies harsh sanctions or attempts to force her dd to go.

Yeah I am 51 next month, the next day DD turns 13 (worst birthday I ever had btw!) so no "old fashioned" parenting views here.

Just how fucking old do you think we are?! In our early 50's we are not drawing our pensions and shuffling around the tea shop with our zimmers.

I am not sure how you make a teenager do anything if they are determined not to. Sure some will but not all. I certainly would talk calmly to her and remind her she begged to go on this trip and money is tight so you don't want to waste all the money paid. Ask her what her solution is. If she is really anxious about going then forcing her is not great.

I think I would find it difficult to give her nothing for her birthday but would maybe spend £50 rather than £200 and I don't think taking other birthday money from relatives without her permission is right either. You could maybe insist on her taking over some chores to repay you over time. It would also be the last school trip I would pay out for. They are ridiculously expensive now.

I think you have given her a reasonable compromise.

I think I personally would more come from the angle of 'you're going, do something outside of your comfort and if you hate it, you've at least gained an experience and a lesson of not agreeing to these activities in future'.

Agree with other posts about seeing if there is a waiting list, if not and she is concerned about the level of activity: can she just opt out of some of them?
I wonder if there are some other kids feeling like your DD at the level of activity, especially as the itinerary has just been released.
Also agreed she should go just for the experience of travel, to have shared memories with her friends.
And think it's remiss of the school not to let people have some idea of what they were signing up for, and I bet not every kid does every activity (eg if scared of heights): though having said that, pushing through fears is a good life lesson, as is keeping her end of a bargain: she wanted to go, put you under pressure to fund it so you had to work even harder (and nurses work bloody hard!), she can't just scamper off without a second thought about her actions

This! Plus it won't be as exhausting as she thinks- probably one activity in the morning and one in the afternoon then fun thing in the evening plus lots of time in between to eat, get showered and ready, go on coach to activities, briefings, watching mates take their turns etc. lots of chatting giggling bonding with mates time.
Big life experience- she'll love it!

Not the point of the thread, but £200 pocket money sounds a lot. I never gave anywhere near that to mine.

YANBU, she needs to know that you will follow through on that.

Validate her fears and concerns, there's probably some low self esteem and anxiety undelying the nonchalence. Ask her to come up the things she's worried about and some strategies to deal with them. E.g. rest stops

The range is 55-75. For average poster age bracket on AIBU. hence the use of the word ‘over’

Doesn’t change the fact it’s very outdated views.

You couldn't teach a child there are consequences to their actions?!

Or that they have been so ungrateful not to acknowledge the OP has taken on additional work and costs to ensure they could go on the trip, only to say she "doesn't want to"

I would give 2 options:
Go
Pay you back

There’s a difference between forcing someone to do something and refusing to make it easy for them to back out.

Yes it’s pretty difficult to drag someone on a bus kicking and screaming but I imagine the kids that would get to that place are in a minority. OP hasn’t indicated her child is one of them. I know both of mine would get on the bus if I had ascertained there were no genuine reasons behind their sudden refusal (eg bullying) and told them they weren’t wasting the money and had to go. Both would also sit at home in their jama’s and miss out if I agreed that they didn’t have to go as soon as they expressed doubt.

So you wouldn't actually make her go, she'd have to pay back the money or lose her phone.

If it was my child, and talking to her/school, etc. didn't lead to a change of heart, I would get them to pay back half the money if they didn't go. If I could afford it, I'd keep the money for them to have when they were a bit older.
And I'd not be signing them up to any more trips unless they paid themselves upfront!

Well that would be my way of making them go! (After initial discussions about why they’re worried, not backing out of commitments, etc). I doubt there are many 13yo who would prefer to forfeit their phone and pocket money for months and months in preference of going on a trip they were at one point desperate to go on. So yes, for most kids laying out those consequences would be a way of making them go.
(Yes I am a parent of more than one teenager currently so very aware of how they behave).

but that's not making her go! That's saying that if she doesn't go there will be a consequence.

As I said, the threat of that consequence would be enough to make most teens go.